To tell my DP things friends tell me?

[CharlieMouseWillDoIt]

One of my closest friends told me that her and her DP are going to start trying for another baby soon. She didn't tell me not to tell anyone, but it obviously was implicit that I wasn't going to start shouting it from the rooftops. I did, however, tell my DP.

This got me thinking - my husband and I tell each other pretty much everything, including things our friends say and do. DP and I keep what we say between ourselves and don't spread gossip between friends.

Are we being unreasonable??

Ok. So you have separate friends. One of yours comes over for a chat. If they want to discuss something with you they have to do it in the kitchen in the presence of your dp?

Squoosh - you are funny and I now blame you that I'm going to be singing Spice Girls songs all afternoon.

Bluegrass - I don't actually know that many secrets as my friends and families lifes aren't like soap operas but recently my mother told me something which she specifically asked me not to share with my DH. Its absolutely nothing to do with him and I will keep her confidence.

No, oh wow, how have I given that impression, that is funny,

if it nice we usually sit in the gardens, summer house(annex), sometime the sitting room,

I only mentioned the kitchen table as that is where everyone hangs out, open plan place,

nope do not have any control issues here, slightly in danger of wetting my pants laughing at the thought that DH would be like that, we very even in how we do things,

we do have on going debates as we often have different ideas how to tackle work or family stuff, certainly don't agree on everything, we have very different ideas on a lot of things,

we have polar opposite personalities also, which creates a nice balance.

we very rarely argue, as we usually understand what the other person is up to, but we never leave anything unsaid, so we never have any time bomb moments, no straw that breaks the bactrian back moments.

The thing is, I could say most of tha about my dp and me- with the added perspective that neither of us would consider keeping a friend's confidence a potential time bomb moment!

DH sometimes tells me things he's not supposed to from work. Not confidential actual work things but gossip about ministers and so on.

"I assume there is some sort of backstory that makes it difficult for you to accept that for some people their relationship with their DP is qualitatively different and has a greater level of trust, intimacy and openness than any other relationship they might have?"

Now that did make me snort. Am now wondering if DH and I do indeed have lower levels of trust, openness and intimacy than the norm. A qualitatively lower level of existence if you like.

Or if, like, I simply respect my mates' confidences.

I tell my dp pretty much everything. But my best friend told me (in a devastated state) that her dh was cross-dressing, and that it was massively affecting their relationship.

I didn't tell that to my dp for several reasons:

• friend was in anguished state and may react differently in a few days time;
• friend told me in strict confidence;
• my dp knows her dh and it may affect their interaction;
• I couldn't be certain that if passed on the information that I would do it in a an impartial way (because I saw the impact it was having on my friend)

But then, life's not an easy set of rules. Each situation require its own judgement.

I have a marriage based on trust and openness but it doesn't include betraying confidences. No wonder people need to see counsellors when they can't trust friends.

I have an acquaintance who tells me all sorts of things about other people. I make sure that I never tell her anything personal.

That's Interesting about the Quaker upbringing "quote" because I have been a Quaker for almost 25 yrs and the concept of confidentiality is strongly held and practiced, indeed the notion of confidentiality is built into our guidelines in "Quaker faith and practice". Confidentiality is at the heart of a trusting relationship and if people cannot maintain each others confidences then there is no trust.

I think you need to distinguish this from the notion of 'secrets'. We (Quakers) are expected to be honest at all times, so it is right to say "I'm quiet because I'm a bit worried about something a friend told me" rather than "nothing's wrong" but it's not ok to break confidentiality. A Quaker who did that, even to a spouse, and tried to justify it would not be thought well of in the meetings I've been associated with.

Sometimes keeping a confidence for a friend is a burden, but it's a part of the Friendship "package" IMO.

between my friends and I its assumed that "don't tell anyone" doesn't include their DH, I know that their DH's know if I tell them I'm pregnant before 12 weeks and don't want it to be public etc..

Sometimes you need support in order to stay strong enough to support a friend, particularly if they are going through DV or MH or health issues, it can really drain you and then it is difficult to be a good friend if you don't have support too

"I have an acquaintance who tells me all sorts of things about other people. I make sure that I never tell her anything personal"

those people can be SO useful! sometimes there's thing you want out there (thinking of a time I had a problem at work with management and told the nosey gossip and finally got somewhere), also I have been known to feed them "gossip" that everyone else knows is untrue (about myself obv, if they're really getting on my nerves and fishing for personal info!)

I think it depends - I tell me husband a lot, but not everything. TBH he's generally not that interested anyway so it's a bit pointless.

I have a friend who is having problems in her marriage at the moment - DH is aware that things are tricky between them, but not of any of the details.

DH has known a lot of my friend's DH's since primary school (I have met and become friends with the wives since we all met and got married etc iykwim). If they confided in me about anything to do with their husbands I wouldn't dream of repeating it to my DH as it would put us in a horrible position. Similarly I have confided in some of them in the past and know I can trust them not to repeat anything if I don't want them to.

I think it would depend. My partner is friends with some of my friends and I don't think I'd go into details of a very sensitive subject, likewise if they swore me to secrecy.

Not much I don't tell him though.

Catrus

*That's Interesting about the Quaker upbringing "quote" because I have been a Quaker for almost 25 yrs and the concept of confidentiality is strongly held and practiced, indeed the notion of confidentiality is built into our guidelines in "Quaker faith and practice". Confidentiality is at the heart of a trusting relationship and if people cannot maintain each others confidences then there is no trust.

I think you need to distinguish this from the notion of 'secrets'. We (Quakers) are expected to be honest at all times, so it is right to say "I'm quiet because I'm a bit worried about something a friend told me" rather than "nothing's wrong" but it's not ok to break confidentiality. A Quaker who did that, even to a spouse, and tried to justify it would not be thought well of in the meetings I've been associated with.

Sometimes keeping a confidence for a friend is a burden, but it's a part of the Friendship "package" IMO*

I think if you read my previous post catrus you might see that is how I would consider my actions, I have never broken a confidence, the way I conduct myself is completely transparent, I would never put myself in the situation where I compromise the way I behave, I am completely open about how I interact, as is my husband, which means we correctly perceived by friends as honest,

quite a few times on this thread the response has been with the assumption that I would discuss something with my husband, without the person who had spoken to me knowing, That would never happen, never has, never will,

my personal experience is that because I am open and honest people tend to seek me out to share.

the thing about betraying trust is subjective though, as me and many others on the thread have said that we expect our friends to tell there dps and dont view it as a betrayal of trust, so no matter how you make it look like a betrayal of trust to a lot of people it isnt.

And a lot of people have also said that when people dont want us to tell our dps they specify, and we dont.

What is the big deal?

As for would my friends say it with dh in the room, some would, some wouldnt, that doesnt mean they mind if I tell him!

In my circle we'll chat freely about secrets with our OHs in the room so I know I'm not betraying their trust

so its subjective to how your friends feel about it, if you know they wouldn't want your DH to know (say your DH is their DH's best friend or something) then of course it is betraying trust, but mostly, for me and mine anyway, it isn't!

I used to tell my husband everything. I thought that anything said to me was said to him and even though I would never betray a confidence to anyone else, somehow he was an exception.

Until I told him something rather shocking and he judged the person for it and has never felt the same way about them since.

Now I think about it. Does he need to know. And often the answer is no.

naila how come most of your friends expect u to tell things to ur dp, i would have thought especially in our community its kept womens and mens things seperate? eg most the time when u see a sisters husband, u wouldnt even look at them, dont even refer to most my friends husbands by their name etc etc
so would have thought the default is that people dont think u would tell things 2 husband??

i know some people are more open but just suprised its the default with u and ur friends cos would have thought we would have been similar

any of my friends husband is like nothing to me, they are not mahram, they are a stranger.. so if i spoke to friend about something personal, or women type things etc - just dont understand how that can be seen not a betrayal of trust for people to think its okay to tell husbands

you cant even describe any women to ur husband, in terms of looks etc - so to me personal issues is the same, if ur describing their thoughts feelings etc?! if its very brief and facts orientated just like what u might say theres a sister having such and such problems needs this help, could u ask around if so&so can help out with this or that - thats really different if u mean that..

its more empowering for women if we keep our stuff to our self i think, why should we have men knowing all our personal stuff, if everyone lets their husband in to everything. what about having strong female support network among women only, i find that so important.

not criticising btw, just surprised because i normally agree with u on most things on here

This why i don't tell my friends everything, because clearly some people have no idea how to keep their mouths shut. My mother and my siblings confide in me and my friends confide in me and they don't need to specifically ask me not to tell my partner or other friends. Whats the point of confiding in someone if your distressed just so they can blab to their partner or someone else. If I wanted my friends partners to know my business I would confide in both of them. A quality of a good friend is someone who can keep a confidence, if not then that person is not a friend just a gossip with a big mouth.

YABU if you are willing to betray a friend's confidence to DP.

YANBU on this occasion.

Have read part but not all of this, do find it interesting. I've certainly moderated what i say to an old, very good friend, since I realised that she applies very little discretion to what she shares with her DH. I know him less well and don't like him or value his opinion as much a I do hers, I also feel he's quite judgemental from a pov I don't share.

I once had a long, very personal discussion with her, on a car journey. When she called him that evening to confirm safe arrival etc, she plunged straight into saying 'lottiegb has been...' I was shocked. I'd shared this with her, partly because I value her perspective, also because I thought I could entrust one of my oldest friends with my secrets.

I can see why people tell me things now-they trust me not to tell anyone else. I thought it was just normal-this has been quite an eye opener.

I would have though a Quaker of all people would understand the importance of confidentiality.

I was surprised earlier that Quakers would refuse to keep a secret, but I didn't know enough about them to challenge it. I thought they were all discretion and the conscience featured heavily. If I had been told something in confidence my conscience would feel very guilty if I manipulated it to mean everyone except......... Unless I had specifically said 'don't tell me unless you want my DH to know'.