To tell my DP things friends tell me?

[CharlieMouseWillDoIt]

One of my closest friends told me that her and her DP are going to start trying for another baby soon. She didn't tell me not to tell anyone, but it obviously was implicit that I wasn't going to start shouting it from the rooftops. I did, however, tell my DP.

This got me thinking - my husband and I tell each other pretty much everything, including things our friends say and do. DP and I keep what we say between ourselves and don't spread gossip between friends.

Are we being unreasonable??

I find it funny that people are skim reading and responding without reading properly,

no where have I said I would break a confidence,

I was surprised earlier that Quakers would refuse to keep a secret

so would I be, where did you get that idea from?

I would have though a Quaker of all people would understand the importance of confidentiality

they do, interested to why you are implying that it has been indicated other wise?

Quoteunquote- it was you, I think, that said that keeping a confidence from your husband would be introducing deceit into your relationship-that sort of implies that you wouldn't keep a secret!

She said she wouldn't accept a secret though, that's a slightly different thing. Making it clear beforehand that you won't keep a secret from your husband gives the other person a choice. Having someone say "don't tell your husband but.." and you stopping them there and saying "actually, I don't keep secrets from my husband..." isn't the same as letting someone talk and not saying anything. I didn't get from her posts that she isn't totally upfront about it.

I'm(as is DH) very clear with anyone I come into contact with, Do Not tell me anything if you don't want me to share with my husband,

I'm not watching what I say in my relationship for anyone, I wouldn't introduce duplicity into my relationship, why an earth would I allow anyone else to.

It's never caused any problems as we operate as a unit anyway, so anyone we have interaction with wouldn't expect us to deceive each other

Ok I see where the problem is, I haven't made myself clear, I should of been clearer, I wouldn't allow myself to be put in a position where I would be expected to keep a confidence from my husband, as I don't want to not be able to interact with him with any limitations,

which is quite different from accepting a confidential conversation and then going onto share the information with someone else.

one of the reasons we have this in place is because MiL who has MH issues, would try to inform one of us about something important and ask us not to tell the other, we have always been very strict,and always told her before she lays something down, that we will not do that,

She would do something like take out a huge loan against her home and hand over tens of thousands of pounds, to coke addicted BiL, then try and tell me, to alleviate guilt, but not want husband to know, yet husband would be the one picking up all the pieces,

if you read my last post on this thread, you might have a little insight as to where some of our ways of doing things comes from, we read each other like a book, so concealment isn't really an option , and neither of us find allowing something to rest in our heads sensible

I find your position a strange one to be honest quote - in the course of my work I deal with all sorts of things which are confidential, and should not be discussed even with partners. In all of the jobs I have had there have been things which have been sensitive, either commercially or relating to individuals and should not be discussed outside the workplace.

No-one in a work-based situation has "bought into" the belief that "what you know he knows". Would you argue that you should be free to discuss even things like this with a partner? Is this is a different scenario to telling him what friends have told you?

How can you be sure that everyone who communicates with you understands that this is what you do?

I am not one of the posters who have said that DH and I are "one", but our lives are entwined - we have a child together, a joint mortgage, our career choices affect one another - in short we know each other in and out. We are interested in each other and that extends to our friends (both mutual and our individual friends).

But surely there are things your OH just doesn't need to know. As i said in my post, If we were friends and i confided in you about a relationship problem and asked you not to say anything, Provided your OH is trustworthy, I wouldn't actually have a problem with you telling him, Because that could be helpful to you, as he may give you thoughts/advice on how best to offer support IYSWIM?

However, If i were pregnant for example and i had raging thrush, And told you because, as a woman, you may have had it before and be able to offer tips to ease it, Why would you tell your OH that? He can't sympathize, And i can't see why he would even want to know. In fact i would find it weird if a man who was not my OH would even sit and listen to it tbh!

How can you be sure that everyone who communicates with you understands that this is what you do?

Because of the way I communicate, I am very pedantic in my articulation, because of the way that friends speak to me, the way that they would phrase a query,

It's abundantly clear that they understand and enjoy the relationship we have, they perceive it as an advantage which is often utilised . It is something I reiterate should I perceive there is any misunderstanding, It has never been an issue, and we have a very extended social and work life.

We run a company together, part of our responsibility entails looking after quite intimate parts of our clients lives, if we couldn't keep secrets the daily mail would have a field day.

sorry Thequeenofdiamonds

I missed your post, the thing is if you knew my husband you would probable ask him, I certainly know friends have discussed far more intimate things in conversations than that, You would be hard pressed to find something with regards to complications in pregnancy that he hasn't had previous experience of, see link in 2nd post up,

I'm not sure why anyone would worry about discussing thrush in pregnancy with anyone, only a very wet man would find that difficult.

It's not whether or not your dp,who I am sure is an admirable man, would be bothered by hearing about somebody's thrush. It's whether the person with thrush would want him to know about it!

What if one of you were on jury service and the judge told you keep certain bits of evidence confidential? Would you tell your dp? if not, how come that wouldn't bring dishonesty into your relationship?

Another point. Do you have older children? What if one of them wanted to tell you something but asks you not to tell thir dad- maybe because they wanted to tell him themselves at some point, or maybe because they had chosen you as their confidant for whatever reason.

I haven't been called for jury service but I thought that you were not allowed to discuss it with anyone-is that not correct?

What do you do if someone will only confide if you promise not to tell anyone? Bearing in mind that it might be a child.

There are quite a few professions where you can't just go home and tell things to your partner.

Exotic you are quite correct. While serving on a jury you are not allowed to discuss the case with anyone other than your fellow jurors.

I thought so-or do people break that because 'they are a unit'?

I'm in the shocked camp. And frankly, I find the idea of relationships where you are so co-dependent that you are incapable of keeping any information to yourself a bit weird.

Mr Inferior is an admirable man with many lovely qualities. There are also things I would never tell him (including the times when he gets profoundly on my wick and I have to grumble to my mates).

Although obviously the day when he finally succeeds in placing that Magic Ring upon my finger I shall find myself telling him all, as we will Merge Into One....

Being some kind of co-dependent unit is weird: agreed.

I'm the wrong person to tell a secret to. They weigh on my mind, affect my mood and distract me. Usually when I feel like that the person I turn to is my husband. The more emphasis that is placed on the need for total secrecy, the greater the impact.

Some people use secrets as a way to manipulate others. My late step-MIL managed to create a constant atmosphere of tension using secrets and secrecy.

My solution is to just not do secrets. If there's something a friend wants to discuss without it becoming a general topic of conversation, I'm happy to listen and not discuss the topic with other friends, but I decline the role of keeper of secrets.

Secrets are a burden rather than a privilege to me and I think it's important to ask before you share them. I hate it when someone tells you something and then says it's a secret and think it's pretty high handed to put anyone in the position of carrying your secrets without clarifying things first.

I'm in the shocked camp. And frankly, I find the idea of relationships where you are so co-dependent that you are incapable of keeping any information to yourself a bit weird

Where did I say that I am so co dependent that I am incapable of keeping information to myself?

yet another interpretation possible from skim reading and bandwagon jumping,forgive me if I am wrong, but I'm not sure how you decided I have such a relationship, nor any ability to not keep information to myself.

I just choose not to, as I don't want to, or am I not allowed to choose how I conduct myself?

Seeker I already answered that up thread, the answer hasn't changed.

Clearly if in the event I was on a jury, I would either decide to keep information to myself, or be clear in the selection process that I was not prepared to do so,

Why did you think I would agree to be on a jury and agree to the terms and then break them? There seems to be a determination to demonstrate that I mislead people, or trap them into a false sense of security.

I play things straight that means I don't have to keep track of any discrepancies, it makes for an easy life.

I also think that (a) friendship is enormously important, not just secondary to one's Main Partner Relationship (b) it's entirely unjustified to assume that just because you think your partner is a sterling chap who can be confided in, your friends share your opinion. It is entirely possible that they secretly think he is a bit of a twerp and are just being nice.

I wasn't necessarily talking about you, I was talking about the number of people who have referred to themselves as 'a unit' and 'as one'.

Late to the party but just want to add a question to the supersolos. Do you realise that if you make it clear you will tell your dhs everything that you won't be told as much?

I ask because my dsis has morphed into a "I tell my dh everything" which became obvious when I had a miscarriage. It's not that my dbil isn't a friend, he is, but I just wasn't ready for other people to know and was upset when I realised what she'd done.

There was no drama it just means now that we are in the adoption process I stop myself when I instinctively pick up the phone to ring and chat about "stuff".
She hears it when I want everyone to hear which has definitely changed our relationship which is sad.

This thread is a big eye opener for me.

I actually find the whole 'we are one' thing quite depressing. hope that's not what is 'expected' when I get married, I don't want that!!! I'm not some half human wandering the earth looking for someone to complete me...I'm me. Surely a partner/husband is a joyful addition who you love very much and have a special relationship and bond with and adds a lot to your life. Not your friend's life. That's why she didn't marry him. Someone who should understand and respect that you have a life of your own. Still have your own friends, mutual friends etc.

I rarely tell people my private issues as it is, this thread has just confirmed my fears that people are completely delusional about friendship. Too many marriages where my friends are 100% convinced their husbands walks on water end, I never wanted them knowing my private issues. Which is, y'know, why I didn't tell him. And now he's gone, friend wanders off finds someone else to be 'one' with...Well I'm sure as fuck not going to trust them, am I?

Unless you preface your friendship and personal conversations very clearly with this 'we are one' rubbish, then you are a lousy friend and actually kinda cruel IMO. A friend tells you in tears she's had an abortion/been raped/her husband is having an affair and you are the person she trusts with this info, isn't ready for anyone else to know...Even if she never finds out you told, you have humiliated and betrayed her to the highest degree possible.

So YANBU if your friend knows you have a loudmouth, they have no right to be upset if they tell you something hugely personal and know you'll tell, YABVVVVU if they don't.

I think people are mistaking general banter for serious or personal issues. That's why they're called secrets. A friend who pops a blood vessel because you told your husband they're getting a puppy is probably someone you want to back away from veeeeery slowly.

Oh and if I found out a friend told their DH I had thrush, I would think they were probably the weirdest person to walk the earth and wonder why they married someone where that is what they discuss.

thanks for that Motherinferior,

we really are not a blended pair,

no one thinks secretly DH is a twerp, they would say openly, I have intelligent friends, who are more than capable of telling him he's a twerp to his face, he would on occasion agree, he's a big boy he can take it.

Mr Inferior is an admirable man with many lovely qualities. There are also things I would never tell him (including the times when he gets profoundly on my wick and I have to grumble to my mates)

now that's where we differ, there is nothing I wouldn't tell DH, we don't have secrets, I will quite happily grumble to my friends about his failings usually in front of him, but if I happen to do so and he's not there, I will of either already told him what I think, or inform him I have been off loading about his incompetence,

HesterBurnitall Thanks, I feel things deeply also,If someone is going through something It is not something I can hear and then put aside,I always feel that it is my responsibility to support people when they are suffering, another reason why I would not be prepared to not be able to discuss with my husband.

I would never ask someone to keep something to themselves, certainly not tell them something without checking first they are comfortable with that first, it would be a liberty to do so.