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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I just jealous?

231 replies

tinkersmelly · 01/08/2012 16:53

My ex's girlfriend keeps calling our children her step children. As far as I am concerned she is dating him but my our children are nothing really to do with her yet as they have only been together 5 months.

They actually had an affair when my ex and I were married (and I was pregnant) and now, a year later, they are back together again. I will admit I am jealous of their relationship as I am nowhere near ready to move on yet.

I took our children to meet her as she will be in their lives to some extent, and she patted them on the head and introduced herself as their stepmum. I corrected her right away (they aren't even engaged let alone married) She also posts pictures on facebook of them in an album entitled 'My Family'. Which annoys me because they aren't her family, and she shouldn't be posting pictures of my children. I have asked my ex to have a word, but he sees it as harmless and doesn't want to cause friction.

Does anyone have any experience of this? AIBU to not want my children to call someone stepmum after 5 months?

OP posts:
TubbyDuffs · 02/08/2012 13:12

Wow just read the thread, and I think (although it opened a can of worms) sending your original text was the best thing you could have done. As previously stated it did get her to show her true colours and may have given ExH a kick up the arse as to the calibre of partner he is willing to introduce his children to.

Well done OP, you have nothing to feel bad about.

Lizzylou · 02/08/2012 13:17
Shock I totally agree with headfairy, Op you are a star. What an evil little cow she is, she sounds totally unhinged.

No bubble bursting here, you are amazing!

BandersnatchCummerbund · 02/08/2012 13:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Subarashii · 02/08/2012 13:33

Agree with Bandersnatch, you need to have a long conversation with your ex about boundaries.

Angelico · 02/08/2012 13:37

OP although I think you have behaved brilliantly throughout have to say I am totally unimpressed with your ex - he sounds more and more like an utter cock Hmm

For a 48 year old man to go out with such a young girl always makes me Hmm, especially when she seems to lack any kind of maturity. She is coming across like a total lunatic but so much so that I'm starting to think she may have real problems / be very vulnerable / have a very troubled background and is looking for a happy family life. I'm actually starting to feel more sorry for her and wonder what fairy stories your ex has spun her. That's not to take away from what she has done to you and you are handling things perfectly but I think your ex is getting a much easier ride than he deserves.

It's tricky when you need to maintain a positive relationship with him - but you are quite right to call him on his behaviour and demand some boundaries for the sake of your children - otherwise he will simply move on to the next young girl who's stupid enough to see him as a catch. He has a few issues of his own.

porcamiseria · 02/08/2012 13:41

I think OP knows that

Its so cool that you have asserted yourself, and in such a dignfied fashion too

I also agree you need words with EX, but I can imagine for all the reasons you have stated here it will be hard, get a script, and gently assert yourself

you go OP

50shadesofslapntickle · 02/08/2012 13:56

Do you know what? Be glad you sent that text as she has shown what an unbalanced loon she is and you have saved your kids from having to be around her. I am soooo glad you called the police - she will crap her pants when they contact her.

At least now she has ro stay away from you and your children.

You are fabulous op - and look, at 34 you are young and gorgeous and have a whole new life ahead of you without the tosser.

Please please please keep us updated on what happens!

cocolepew · 02/08/2012 14:13

Well done for contacting a solicitor and the police, definitely the best thing to do.

I agree that you need to tell your DH that he can't introduce every girlfriend without a suitable waiting time.

Hope its finally resolved Smile

Original poster
tinkersmelly · 02/08/2012 14:29

The community officer has been and is going to have a word with her, if she does it again after she has spoken to her then she will see about a harrassment order.

However I think it may not be an issue as they must officially be split up, her FB thing has changed to single (is this really how people announce splits etc these days?) and I am to blame according to the comments under it.

He is a good dad, he made a very very poor choice (I make mistakes on a daily basis maybe not to that scale though) but he is there for them and I know I could call him at any hour of the day or night and he would be here in a heartbeat for them. He is a shocking partner and his morals leave a lot to be desired and yes he is a total and utter cock, but I need to maintain a civil relationship with him so I have to deal with him being a twat I guess (I don't want to sound like I'm taking all my negative feelings out on her).

I may have been outwardly dignified but I have been plotting allsorts in my head, good job a tank full of piranahs isn't an easy thing to get a hold of or this could have turned out a lot differently lol.

Thank you everyone for your support and advice I really really appreciate it. I honestly don't think I would have had the bottle to do anything without it. My friends are great but they aren't really impartial and the general feeling is a smack in the mouth would be the only solution.

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 02/08/2012 14:35

Jesus, from "My Family" to single in 24 hours. What a ridiculous little bitch.

headfairy · 02/08/2012 14:38

Your friends are just being friends.... I'd want to lamp anyone who behaved like that to a friend of mine.

How odd to announce her split like that, but then people are funny. It does sound like she has ishoooos, I think that people who comment about every fart on FB are desperately seeking attention, which in a roundabout way makes me feel a bit sorry for them. What she did was unforgiveable and she's the only one to blame for her break up. That said, maybe when she's old and grey she'll be grateful, because it's not often relationships like this (big age difference) that start in that way (as an affair) end up well. My sister did it - I didn't approve at all. She's married to him now and does have kids but I would say their relationship is far from ideal. There are massive trust issues. When you marry a man you had an affair with, all you do is create a vacancy.

50shadesofslapntickle · 02/08/2012 14:39

Well if she keeps up with the Facebook insults she is going to be in big trouble isn't she as she has had a warning so don't delay in letting the police know if she keeps it up!

At least your partner has done one decent thing if he has split with her. Has he seen the other 23 messages?! Show him so he is I'm no doubt as to what a twat she is.

Keep us updates op!

StuntGirl · 02/08/2012 15:35

I am in awe at your dignified attitude to all of this OP. You should be so proud of yourself for not letting her drag you down with her pettiness, and for having the strength to take concrete steps to address her behaviour.

I hope she is no longer going to be a part of your children's lives because she doesn't sound like someone with the emotional maturity to deal with the responsibilities being a step mum brings. And I hope you and your ex can have a frank discussion about those boundaries and how to best protect your children.

I'm glad you see he is no good for you and won't be tempted to go back with him; you sound AMAZING and he sounds like he was punching way above his weight to end up with a fab woman like you.

Icelollycraving · 02/08/2012 16:52

Seriously,you have acted with such decorum I am seriously in awe.

PicklesThePottyMouthedParrot · 02/08/2012 18:17

You have kept the higher moral ground this is karma in action isn't it!

It's good you know what she is like sooner rather than later. (and your ex before and bbbyzzzz)

Olympicnmix · 02/08/2012 18:38

Would have loved to have been a fly on the wall to watch karma in action Grin. Hope he doesn't drift back to the vilechile

You have been magnificent, tinkermelly

PicklesThePottyMouthedParrot · 02/08/2012 18:40

I hope he does actually shit on her foot as he leaves. Looks like she's the one going to be having a lonely old weekend. Sad boo hoo.

shesariver · 02/08/2012 21:48

tinker you are my hero Smile

Clytaemnestra · 02/08/2012 23:13

Send her a friendly text. Ask her if she fancies a few of your TV dinners as a peace offering as she'll probably be needing them now. :D

50shadesofslapntickle · 02/08/2012 23:32

Any news op?

Original poster
tinkersmelly · 03/08/2012 00:20

I have just had the most satisfying afternoon/night I have ever had in 15 years with my ex. He was so upset he took the day off work and he has been in tears for hours, telling me how badly he has fucked up, how much it pains him that he has hurt me so, how insensitive he has been, how he kicks himself every day blah blah blah and asked, no, begged, me to take him back.

Some part of me felt sorry for him and wanted to say yes and get back to life as it was. The bigger, more sensible part of me actually said these words - 'You have made your bed, now you can lie in it' (I have always wanted to say that) I wish I had got in 'the grass isn't always greener on the other side' but I'll try that at a later date lol.

It is weird its like a weight has been lifted off me now. Maybe this is the beginning of moving on (watch out Gerard Butler).

I haven't heard from little miss tweeniebopper since the police went round there, I haven't heard any rumours of anything more on facebook, and I did tell my kids they wouldn't be seeing her anymore and they pretty much just shrugged and asked what was for tea.

Haha Clyta that is just so so tempting, the thought of her sobbing into her micro meal for one will keep me warm just now (I am such a bitch to revel in her misery).

I can't belive the change in 24 hours, I have gone from really being a walkover and being so unhappy to this person who stands up for herself and has actually knocked back the man she loves and the shitty situation I was in has totally gone.

Thank you so much all you lovely lovely people who helped me through this I will buy you all a drink (sadly I will have to drink them all myself as I don't know where you all live, sorry ;) )

OP posts:
PorkyandBess · 03/08/2012 00:24

Blimey Tinkers! What a turnaround.

Well done for being dignified and emerging victorious, not that that was your aim, but -yay!

LordOfThe5Rings · 03/08/2012 00:25

send me the drink then :)

Glad things are on track. Keep strong and if you do give him another chance don't give him the answer straight away. He may be remorseful but he needs to stew a bit.

Original poster
tinkersmelly · 03/08/2012 00:35

I know it is a bit of a turnaround. I now wish I had done this months ago.

I couldn't get back with him, I think I could probably have forgiven a one night stand but they had an affair for at least 7 or 8 months as far as I can tell. Sadly for me I am still in love with him, although seeing the total and utter dickwad he has become I am at a loss as to why, I'm sure its only because we were together for so long though.

I may go out this weekend and take my friends advice - get over him by getting under someone else - Ok I probably won't do that but I do need a good drink and a boogie.

OP posts:
IvanaNap · 03/08/2012 00:37

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This has been withdrawn as this poster has privacy concerns.