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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mother stalking me on MN. AIBU to be fucking furious?

150 replies

MyDogShitsMoney · 01/08/2012 15:15

That's it basically.

Back in Dec when stbXh and I separated I started a thread on here in an old NN.

It was full of details I would never dream of sharing in RL. That's why I chose an anonymous forum to off-load it all.

Turns out she knows I come on here so she had a good look around on the off-chance I'd talked about it. She found my thread and her and my father had a good read.

Apparently I have no right to be upset as it's only because they love me and because I'm "so private".

My reply was that yes I am a very private person and I'm perfectly entitled to be. As an adult I feel that should be respected. We've never been particularly close (have had a couple threads about various issues) but seriously? This is ok?

I feel so violated, it's just a complete breach of trust IMO. Worse is that they didn't say anything for 8 bloody months, looked me in the eye and acted totally innocent.

Initially I was literally shaking with anger, now I'm just sort of resigned. Fuck all I can do about it now anyway.

Yes I know that the internet is never completely safe but it just never occurred to me that she would actively look. Just a total invasion of privacy. To me it's like finding out someone keeps a diary and going to look for it.

I'm just pissed off that there is no one in the fucking world that doesn't lie to you. Angry

So AIBU? Genuinely interested in any other perspectives because to me it's just inexcusable.

OP posts:
OfMiceandCats · 01/08/2012 15:18

Mumsnet is a public forum. Anyone can view it. I think that, if you are a private person, you don't post anything identifiable because your neighbour could see or your ex or, as you found out, your parents. YOu either find a totally private forum or make your story as anonymous as possible so it is impossible to identify you from it.

KeemaNaanAndCurryOn · 01/08/2012 15:19

You posted on a public forum. How on earth is it an invasion of privacy for someone to read something posted on a public forum?

lurkedtoolong · 01/08/2012 15:20

Well, if she's still stalking you she'll definitely get the message you aren't happy about it now

SamanthaSingsTheBlues · 01/08/2012 15:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

maples · 01/08/2012 15:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DancesWithSockPuppets · 01/08/2012 15:23

I can see where you're coming from... I think it depends how it was done, though. Sounds to me like there may have been an element of concern for your wellbeing, albeit misplaced.

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 01/08/2012 15:24

You wrote it for millions of total strangers to read, but because your mother read it you're "shaking with anger"? Hmm I expect your mother will be the only person who read it actually gives a flying fuck about you and your problems in anything other than a fairly superficial "oh I am sorry" way. We read stuff on here, and are sorry for the other person, and want to help, and some people even go to great lengths to help each other and it's lovely, but when you get right down to it, your mother will care more than any of them ever could because she is your mother. Presumably she was worried about you and wanted to help.
My mother didn't know various things about my split from my X, so much so that when I emerged from the women's refuge and went to her house for a batj and a nap, I woke to find him standing over me because she'd called him up to "come and talk some sense into me" because she thought I was being silly and needed to go home where I was well off. Sometimes your mother needs to know stuff, if only to stop her putting her foot in it...
If you don't want her to know something, then don't tell anyone YABU

FeakAndTheWeebleWorm · 01/08/2012 15:26

Who cares if it's a public forum? And it's only public in the sense that anyone can read what you write - it is private in the sense that you pick a nickname and post anonymously. That's the whole bloody point of it.

OP if I were you I would be absolutely fuming. If she'd stumbled accross it by chance then fair do's, all you could do then would be to kick yourself for letting out too much detail and making yourself recognisable. But to actively look for it? Not on.

Not sure that there's much you can do about it now though other than let your mum know how it's made you feel. Only you know her well enough to know if she did it out of a genuine concern for your wellbeing or if she was just being nosey.

Am Angry on your behalf though.

usualsuspect · 01/08/2012 15:28

I would be pissed off too OP. Searching you out on the internet is just wrong.

Nosey fuckers.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 01/08/2012 15:29

I can sympathise, I wouldn't want my mum - or any of my family - to go deliberately looking for me on the net. And I wouldn't be thrilled if they started posting.

But you are overreacting. Ask MN to delete your posts and namechange, I would.

MammyToMany · 01/08/2012 15:29

A similar thing happened to me, I had a horrific time 18 months ago and came in mn to ask advice (I'd been on mn for years) started a thread an immediately people posted asking if it was a piss take.... As there was another very long thread running about the same thing. It was my mother and my sister posting about me (knowing I used mn) and was very painful to read. Comments such as them saying my exH was a better parent etc I had to get all my posts deleted and haven't felt comfortable posting anything personal again.

Original poster
MyDogShitsMoney · 01/08/2012 15:31

Believe me, it isn't concern. It's very hard to put how she is into words but basically it's - well if you won't tell me I'll find out for myself. Not I understand you don't want to tell me but I wish you would. I know that doesn't make any sense but I find it really hard to describe.

I know I made a mistake putting it on here but it wasn't exactly the first thing on my mind at the time. I just needed to talk and this is where I came.

It's the fact that she actively looked for it. Is that really normal and ok?

I know I certainly wouldn't do it but if I'm the exception I'll happily take it on the chin.

(I'm aware they may read this too but not a lot I can do about that now other than trust when they say they won't)

OP posts:
SophieLeGiraffe · 01/08/2012 15:33

YANBU.

It may be a public forum but it is entirely anonymous. Coming across it is one thing, going looking for stuff you know someone doesn't want to tell you is really not on.

If the OP had written a private diary and left it in public view, would it also have been right for her Mum to have read that?

usualsuspect · 01/08/2012 15:33

I don't think it's ok to actively look for you on the net, no.

I think it's a rotten thing to do.

ElephantsCanRemember · 01/08/2012 15:35

No I don't think you are BU. To search you out, not out of concern or to be able to help, but purely so they know what is going on with you, is awful.

missymoomoomee · 01/08/2012 15:35

I would be raging. If she accidently stumbled across it then thats one thing, to actively go looking is totally another.

NarkedRaspberry · 01/08/2012 15:36

'It's a public forum'

Yes. An anonymous public forum. I don't post as Sarah Howard of 43 Sunblest Lane, Leamington Spa complete with pictures of me and my twin DDs and links to my friends. I post as NarkedRaspberry.

It's creepy and a deliberate invasion of privacy. My DH keeps a diary and I know where it is and it's completely unsecured but I never look at it because it's not for me.

ElephantsCanRemember · 01/08/2012 15:38

The fact they didn't bring it up for 8 months is awful too. What made them tell you?

Moominsarescary · 01/08/2012 15:39

Id be upset too if my family were actively looking for me on the Internet yanbu

MrsRhettButler · 01/08/2012 15:39

Totally agree with feek, its unacceptable imo and I would be fuming too

Original poster
MyDogShitsMoney · 01/08/2012 15:39

It was in an old NN and I have had a couple of others since but if she's stalking round looking for posts that may be me there's fuck all I can do about it, changing names isn't going to make a difference.

As I said in my op I was shaking with anger, a gut reaction. I'm resigned to it now.

It's not something I would ever dream of doing in a million years.

I mentioned Gransnet to her when I was pregnant, maybe she uses it maybe she doesn't, it would never occur to me to find out.

OP posts:
NarkedRaspberry · 01/08/2012 15:40

Obviously I'm not Sarah Howard etc. And I don't have twins unless one is hiding in the ironing pile. Though Sunblest Lane sounds nice.

holyfishnets · 01/08/2012 15:42

For that very reason, it's best to change a few details

NarkedRaspberry · 01/08/2012 15:42

She has boundary issues.

STOP SNOOPING ON YOUR DAUGHTER.

Original poster
MyDogShitsMoney · 01/08/2012 15:46

I totally agree with the diary comparisons.

If someone told me they kept a diary I wouldn't then go looking for it the moment something bad happened.

Supporting someone through something horrible is just that, supporting. You listen you nod along and you hug if and when required. You don't go searching for as many details as you can find because you think they aren't telling you every detail.

To me it's plain disrespectful. If someone told me they used any kind of anonymous forum or group for help and support I would actively avoid it unless they told me otherwise.

OP posts: