Mother stalking me on MN. AIBU to be fucking furious?

[MyDogShitsMoney]

That's it basically.

Back in Dec when stbXh and I separated I started a thread on here in an old NN.

It was full of details I would never dream of sharing in RL. That's why I chose an anonymous forum to off-load it all.

Turns out she knows I come on here so she had a good look around on the off-chance I'd talked about it. She found my thread and her and my father had a good read.

Apparently I have no right to be upset as it's only because they love me and because I'm "so private".

My reply was that yes I am a very private person and I'm perfectly entitled to be. As an adult I feel that should be respected. We've never been particularly close (have had a couple threads about various issues) but seriously? This is ok?

I feel so violated, it's just a complete breach of trust IMO. Worse is that they didn't say anything for 8 bloody months, looked me in the eye and acted totally innocent.

Initially I was literally shaking with anger, now I'm just sort of resigned. Fuck all I can do about it now anyway.

Yes I know that the internet is never completely safe but it just never occurred to me that she would actively look. Just a total invasion of privacy. To me it's like finding out someone keeps a diary and going to look for it.

I'm just pissed off that there is no one in the fucking world that doesn't lie to you.

So AIBU? Genuinely interested in any other perspectives because to me it's just inexcusable.

No, I agree it's wrong of her to do that.

To me, secrecy is something you would like to have for yourself, but privacy is something others afford you.

She has not allowed you to have privacy.

Just because it's a public forum, doesn't mean it's fair game for anyone in RL to stalk you, because you have posted anonymously.

And if you don't have the kind of relationship with your parents where you want to just tell them everything that's going on in your life, they should respect that.

YADefinitelyNBU.

I think this person actively seeking to find you and read things...is manipulative and does not have good intent towards you.....more to gather ammunition and cause you emotional harm....

I'd be very hurt and angry...YANBU to feel violated...disgusting behaviour from someone you probably thought you could trust prior to this...horrible for you

I do accept that anyone could find it accidentally. I know the internet is there for all to see but other than having a son and splitting with my husband because he cheated, no one in RL knows anything so even if someone had stumbled across it accidentally it's hardly a unique stand-out story.

Plus non of my friends have even heard of MN never mind been on here.

Naively I just presumed someone, especially your mum, who knew you came here would purposefully not snoop IYSWIM.

I'm a dick, I agree.

Tell her you have now left MN and are now all over netmums, put up a few posts on there to convince her - nice and juicy but completely misleading- then come back to us and tell us all about it

This would infuriate me too, I use a NN because I wish to remain anonymous so that I can be open about things that are bothering me, if I thought I was being watched by my mum it would ruin it

Tempting, she'd bloody love NetMums, the swear filter would be right up her street

So, did she actually help you or improve her support of you after she actively snooped on you ?

No ? She waited 8 months and then creeped you out.

Nice.

It was my dad that told me today. Clearly she would never have said anything.

I'm pissed off with him too but in his slight defense he has no clue about the internet so didn't really understand the anonymity part.

It just feels very deceitful to find out someone's secrets and then not even tell them you know.

To try and be fair (to her) do you think she used the information she discovered to better support you ?

Or do you think she was simply being nosey. It would make a difference to me, I think.

I can sympathise OP.

My mother also thinks that I am 'too private' and 'too secretive'. What this actually means is that I don't feel the need to broadcast every tiny detail of my life to those around me, whereas if my mother takes a shit the whole world knows how big it was (well not really but you get the idea).

Sounds like your parents are similar. They feel some wierd entitlement to know everything you do and say, whether it is their business or not.

Nope, just nosy sadly.

She's a proper drama llama so the whole thing has been a massive exercise in how upset she is and how hard it is for her.

The main reason I poured it all out on here was because I really don't like drama, I'd rather just quietly get on with it.

I got to rant and rave and pour out all my woe on here so I could concentrate on the normal stuff in RL if that makes any sense!

Cake, nail on head!

It's the sense of entitlement that's so bloody annoying.

No one is entitled to know anything you don't want to tell them.

weird entitlement

nail on head

But - and I agree with you that it's really unfair to hunt you down like that - why on on earth did you use a heading for this thread that will give her somewhere else to look?

You could have put it on a more private thread eg OTBT and with a title that didn't give the game away.

I understand how you feel, but I think the problem lies further back than MN. It's their attitude that your private life and feelings are something within their domain and that they have a right to know them.

I think that is your problem. I would go right past MN and try to grasp that particular nettle and sort it out, however you can.

I had a best friend who found one or two of my posts by accident, then went and looked for the rest, and got very upset that I had posted a few things about her. She then joined MN and started a thread about me/the situation, which I found, and I felt like you - but then I can see why she felt like she did, too.

We did sort it out in the end, but I was far more careful what I posted after that. I do think if you feel the need to read or search for someone's threads on here, it is probably best to not say anything to them, but to withdraw somewhat from the relationship as it probably cannot be sustained with that level of deception involved...the choice is personal.

As someone 'recognised' a few times by RL friends I would certainly rather not know, it allows me to keep the required suspension of disbelief as I do find this place somewhat necessary at times.

Not deception perhaps so much as intrusion. I think that's what I mean.

To maintain a close relationship with someone when you are stalking their posts on here would be weird and horrible. You need some element of distance to do that - or passive anger - anything that enables your sense of entitlement. It's not a pleasant thing to do.

Agree it's a public forum but as narked says, there's a reason we all use screen names and don't tell everyone personally identifiable details. In fact it's Internet Safety 101.

Deliberately seeking out someones posts because you want to know what they say in private/away from you is weird. My twin brother posts on several online forums, I know the names of every forum he uses and what his user name is. I'd never dream of searching his posts just to have a nosey. (Of course he can't escape me on the ones we both post on )

TBH if she is still here the idea is that she can read the same opinions as I am so can draw her own conclusions.

God knows nothing I say will go in, she has this way of just completely ignoring anything she doesn't want to hear.

I don't expect everyone to agree with me and am happy to listen if anyone thinks I'm being a twat. I may or may not agree with what they say but I will always listen and am happy to keep my mind open.

(If you're never open to having your opinions challenged and refuse to ever even consider changing or evolving as a person what's the point in anything? What kind of blinkered existence is that?)

She has a natural persecution complex so if anyone dares to disagree with her she immediately tells you to stop attacking her. It's truly exhausting.

my mother is always like this...she wants to dig around and know everything but once she knows...it's all woe is me...I will be so stressed now...or oh I just feel so depressed now....and I'm sitting there ...thinking well you bloody shouldn't push to know then ffs...

unhelpful and just makes you feel bloody worse!!

She went into my chest of drawers the last time she was here...why? I have no idea (just nosey) anyway she was caught out because the middle drawer is broken and it made 2 of the drawer's collapse (there is a knack to them)...hahahaha.....she did blush at least!!!...whilst I bit my tongue yet again ....she tries to check out my post too!!!

YANBU

Your mum is VVVVV U and I would be raging in your position as well.

Yes it is a public forum, but it is a public forum on which you chose to post anonymously. It is completely out of order for her to be snooping like that - I agree with the poster who said it is akin to reading a diary.

Also it does not sound like she has done it out of concern, based on what you've said, but even if it is out of concern she needs to learn boundaries.

My mum has read people's diaries before "out of concern" and I think that was not on at all.

I am also quite a private person in many ways so I sympathise with you.

Eurgh. Eurgh. Not Nice. Searching across the internet to see if someone you know has a forum account, and what they've posted is cyber-stalking! I wouldn't do that to anyone!

I've spotted friends before, and I deliberately never look at the past posts, even.

MDSM's mum fuck off

and have a nice day

That's exactly it. I just don't buy the "out of concern" part.

If I was concerned about someone I would talk to them, not bloody snoop on them!

My dad told me today that I shouldn't be too hard on her because she's finding all of this so hard. (because obviously it's a walk in the park for me) She apparently "still cries every day" .

I'm not being cruel but it's been 8 bloody months, the only reason to "still cry every day" is if you're reveling in it.

The worst part for me is that she is impossible to reason with. I hate all this sneaking around being pa crap.

If you have something to say, say it, discuss it, move on.

AF

I'm not naming her daily read, it's way too cliché!