Mother stalking me on MN. AIBU to be fucking furious?

[MyDogShitsMoney]

That's it basically.

Back in Dec when stbXh and I separated I started a thread on here in an old NN.

It was full of details I would never dream of sharing in RL. That's why I chose an anonymous forum to off-load it all.

Turns out she knows I come on here so she had a good look around on the off-chance I'd talked about it. She found my thread and her and my father had a good read.

Apparently I have no right to be upset as it's only because they love me and because I'm "so private".

My reply was that yes I am a very private person and I'm perfectly entitled to be. As an adult I feel that should be respected. We've never been particularly close (have had a couple threads about various issues) but seriously? This is ok?

I feel so violated, it's just a complete breach of trust IMO. Worse is that they didn't say anything for 8 bloody months, looked me in the eye and acted totally innocent.

Initially I was literally shaking with anger, now I'm just sort of resigned. Fuck all I can do about it now anyway.

Yes I know that the internet is never completely safe but it just never occurred to me that she would actively look. Just a total invasion of privacy. To me it's like finding out someone keeps a diary and going to look for it.

I'm just pissed off that there is no one in the fucking world that doesn't lie to you.

So AIBU? Genuinely interested in any other perspectives because to me it's just inexcusable.

FWIW, I do think it's a shocking invasion of privacy. One of the reasons we come on this forum is because it's anonymous. It's public, but anonymous. We get shocked and horrified when people get outed in rl, or stalked on here. Why is this different?

I would be furious with anyone who refused to respect me need for privacy in this way. I know there are a couple of people on here who know who I am in Rl, but as soon as it's been clear they've closed off that bit of their brains and so have I.

Well I always assume I'm invisible on here

Sorry but your Mum seems really odd to do that, so will she be contrite now having been outed ?

I think it's just a complete lack of self-awareness tbh.

I mean we all say twatty things but most of us at least have the decency to cringe afterwards.

My usual MO, on here at least, is to get all het up, start a thread littered with angst/rage/worry *(delete as appropriate), read it back 10 minutes later, realise I sound a bit of a cunt and tone it down accordingly!

She actually said once, out loud, with no hint of irony, that she has decided she wants to move house because their's now has too many memories

WAVES TO GRANDMA DOGSHIT

Oi luv blinkin, Oi do

your mother cannot by definition be your stalker

How do you get to that conclusion carycach?

Contrition? no, sadly not, I haven't even heard from her yet!

If she does broach the subject I'll have to cut it off with a short sharp "it's happened now, there's nothing to say" otherwise I'll be subjected to interminable hours of keening and wailing about the injustice of it all, how she's being made out to be the villain when it was all just born out of love etc, etc, etc....

I disagree cary....

'Stalking is a term commonly used to refer to unwanted or obsessive attention by an individual or group toward another person.'

a mother can be a stalker, abuse, controller, manipulator if she is unhinged or unbalanced enough. The role of Mother (or Father) doesn't exclude them from unreasonable bonkers and deranged behaviour.

My Mum's lovely so I'm just saying like.....

Ivana I think you may actually be my sister!

My grandmother was a fearful snooper (most of it directed towards my mother) and I honestly believe that it is difficult to imagine how infuriating and downright wearisome this can be unless you've experienced it. Thankfully the Internet had yet to be invented but for sure, she'd have seen it as a glorious opportunity.

YANBU. This might be a public forum but the anonymity of usernames means that you should have some protection on those occasions that a good vent is essential therapy. Your mother has no justification for snooping but it is all the worse to discover her actions so long after the event. I'd also be inclined to leave her a false trail to follow! The more outrageous the better.

PS- if you are reading this OP's mother please feel free to be very ashamed of yourself.

OP - Sounds like you have unresolved issues with your mother as an underlying current of affairs. We all expose ourselves of identification to a small degree by writing on a public forum accessible to the world. That is a risk.

However, it seems unclear whether you expected your mother to take action from reading your threads? What did you expect your mother to do? I'm not saying you are being unreasonable but my guidance would be to adjust your reactions to your mum appropriately. Your mum came here for a reason and she must have been genuinely concerned about you..

I'd like to think the OP's mother was genuinely concerned about her but it is difficult to see how snooping on her is the right way to tackle her concerns.

I'm afraid that my experience of family snoopers has left me convinced that it is control, not concern, that is the agenda.

Pandemoniaa - Good point , OP knows her mother best (and her intentions).

TBH what clinches it for me about it not being about concern is the fact that they kept it secret. If they didn't think they'd done wrong there'd be no reason to hide it.

Even so, people make mistakes, it happens. If she'd come to me straight after and said anything along the lines of "DogShit, I fucked up. I was upset, I hated not knowing everything and I looked at your MN thread. I know it was wrong and I'm sorry." I would have accepted it. I'd have still been mightily pissed off but I'd have got over it pretty quickly.

I'm a simple gal, just give it to me straight, I'll have a quick fume then it's done.

OP, YANBU. It's an anonymous public forum and as such posters often find it less embarrassing to post intimate details to strangers than to people they know in RL. If you'd felt able to confide such things to her then you would've done, and she should have respected that. I would take it as a massive breach of trust IIWY.

BTW, how did she know your username, or did she just recognise you from the content of your posts?

From what I can gather she basically stalked the boards looking for a story that sounded similar.

Then YA100%NBU!!!

my mum did this too - she must have searched me out, and then either read all of my posts (under an earlier nn) or searched ones that mentioned her. I had posted about my issues with her and her narcissism. anyway, it caused a huge fallout because (of course) she was very upset and angry with me. Like you I thought it similar to reading a diary. We haven't recovered from the fallout 2 years later. No idea if she reads what I say under this or other nns - I am easily identifiable if you can be bothered to put the pieces together.

I agree it's an invasion of privacy, even if it is on the public www.

and she just found me on Twitter too (I didn't tell her my nn) - you'd have thought she'd have learned her lesson!

Now that's properly shit sneaking around your twitter as well on your behalf.

I'm only on there in my MN name from the "IBelieveHer" campaign so nothing juicy there thank god!

I never bothered with hiding things because I genuinely don't know anyone who MN's at all. I've mentioned it in passing with friends a couple of times but tbh non of them have even heard of it. They all have real lives and shit (bastards).

The whole point of my keeping MN and RL so totally separate is so I don't have to hide stuff, so I can actually discuss things I'd prefer to keep private.

My mum knows I'm on here but it honestly never occurred to me that she'd actually seek me out. I know that makes me sound naive but it's just not something I ever considered.

(Feel even more of a tit because in the last couple of days I've said the bit about my keeping MN and RL being separate on 2 different threads. Egg all over my sadface over here)

It is a total invasion of your privacy and completely unacceptable.

If it was me my mum wouldn't be waiting 8 months to let me know - it would be, ''right why didn't you tell me XYZ straight away? I will kill your ex help you sort out your problems.''

Luckily my Mum can't use the internet... yet...
& i don't think she'd snoop even if she did (unless she had a real, genuine cause for concern, eg. thought i was in mortal danger).

I'd like to think that your mum spied on your posts because she worries about you. (IMO it's still wrong to invade your privacy like that.)

But if that was the case then surely she'd have discussed your posts with you straight away & asked how she could help you?

I like the idea of making stuff up under the same name to confuse her. So you are going to move to Guatemala and set up a llama colony? Is that right?