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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to lock DH out tonight and consider asking him to move out permanently

694 replies

binrel · 30/07/2012 20:42

This afternoon me and the dds and my brother who is visiting because he is on holiday from university were in the garden just playing football. DH came home early from work and he was clearly already in a bad mood and joined in. My brother then started teasing him whilst they were playing football against each other and he started doing these twists and turns with the ball whilst goading him. He then gave the ball to dd, the next time he got the ball DH charged towards him and leapt off the ground before tackling him. DH's feet went into my brothers leg just above the ankle and my brother's ankle bent in a horrible looking way.

My brother's was in agony on the floor and DH got up and shouted there you go you little twat before storming off into the car and away. I had to call an ambulance as my brother was in so much pain, the dds were also very distressed (they adore my brother). He got taken to hospital and he has suffered partial tear to his ankle ligaments. It's going to take 2-3 months for him to recover. I'm so furious with him for what he has done and the way that he charged over to him with such malice and viscousness, it was obviously not an accident. He went without his house keys I feel like locking the door so he can't come in tonight and I'm really questioning our relationship after this. He has deliberately hurt my brother who I love and so do the dds and they were both hysterical after it. Also we can't afford to go on holiday this year I thought having him stay for 10 days would at least give them something to look forward to this summer and he's done this.

OP posts:
GlassofRose · 30/07/2012 22:10

What your husband did was wrong and excuses should not be made for him... however seeing as he has never done this before and was clearly very angry when he got home it would seem that something is troubling your partner. Please don't act on the cries of "leave the bastard" and ask him to move out permanently until you actually understand the full situation - He's you DH and you have DD's.

StuntGirl · 30/07/2012 22:10

Sounds like your husband is massively at fault here. I hope he's going to grovel to you, your brother and his children when he returns. What a twat.

Viviennemary · 30/07/2012 22:10

Husband should not have acted the way he did. But the brother does sound like a bit of a pain in the neck TBH. Sorry if I've got this wrong. And a 10 day visit does sound excessive if it's somebody you're not keen on. Not that I rugby tackle visitors who outstay their welcome.

edam · 30/07/2012 22:12

eek, I tore my ankle ligaments (was run over) and they took months to heal. Not a trivial injury. Your poor brother!

As for your husband... good grief. If this is hugely out of character and he is shame-faced and apologetic then perhaps it can be put right. If not, he's not fit to be a husband or a parent. If your dh had done this to a stranger, he'd be up on a charge of assault. In fact your brother could go to the police, if he were so inclined.

DozyDuck · 30/07/2012 22:12

When I play football with my DS after a bit of playing I do the 'come on, get it, get it' now granted my DS doesn't really understand language (ASD) but he understands that I'm playing and usually laughs. The worst I've had is a shove so he can get the ball, and he's a small child, a small child who can be very aggressive a lot of the time, but he seems to know.

DS goes to a special school, a lot of the older lads have ADHD and play football during the last ten minutes of school. They do the 'come on, get it, hurry up, you can do better' to each other. Bear in mind these are CHILDREN that find it hard to control their actions... Not once have I ever seen one attack another for this, they usually fling another remark right back (sometimes very unpleasant) but even these CHILDREN with SN know they don't react violently to a bit of banter!

when I'm with my sister there is usually a lot of banter too about different things. It isn't goading, it's playing, a bit of wind up. I've never felt the urge to whack my sister let alone stamp on her ankle!

LingDiLong · 30/07/2012 22:12

OP, you do right to want him out of the way for the night. You need some space and to gather your thoughts. Something major must be going on with him if this is as out of character as you say it is. No idea where you go from here tomorrow though...good luck.

edam · 30/07/2012 22:13

What message does it send to your kids if your dh does anything other than apologise profusely and beg forgiveness?

VicarGoingForGoldInKungFu · 30/07/2012 22:13

Op, what are your brothers thoughts/feelings and where does he want to be?
would it perhaps be better to take your DB home tomorrow? i think you have some serious talking to do with your partner.

if you think your husband has gone to a friends then i would forget him for the night and if he has one iota of sense he will stay away.

has he ever been violent to anyone before?

he needs to understand the consequences of his actions - but i would tackle that tomorrow.
for now, sort your brother out. does your brother realise he has the option of reporting your partner for assault?

your husband is a lucky man if he doesnt.

pictish · 30/07/2012 22:13

I am trying to imagine what kind of experiences some people have where they think being a wind up merchant is reason enough for a member of your extended family to put you in hospital with a sickening and deliberate attack in front of little kids?

Where has anyone said they think it's reason enough, Tiggy?

DozyDuck · 30/07/2012 22:13

Bare in mind. I can't even blame autocorrect I'm just tired.

EugenesAxe · 30/07/2012 22:14

He was out of order... but I do know a few men with fiery tempers who can't cope with taunting and even less if they are already wound up, as it seems yours was.

I think your DH needs a bit of an ear TBH, and love. He will know he's done wrong. He should apologise to you both though; if he can't do that, that's when I would start questioning the relationship.

LingDiLong · 30/07/2012 22:16

A bit of an ear and love??? No wonder those men continue to be enslaved to their 'fiery tempers' then. Perhaps a few more people showing them that it isn't acceptable to give in to your temper and they'd have made more effort to control them.

AGiraffeOnTheDivingBoard · 30/07/2012 22:17

But if DH came back in a bad mood it sounds like DB bore the brunt of something else that had happened. Might not just be anything to do with long term impact of an awful relationship between the two of them but transferring terrible mood from work onto silly football game.

Does seem as though DB was just being a bit of a silly arse not a total nightmare.

What does DB say? Does he want to go home to your parents?

tiggytape · 30/07/2012 22:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
binrel · 30/07/2012 22:18

I haven't asked my brother has he's been given a lot of painkillers and wasn't really with it and he's now asleep.

OP posts:
GlassofRose · 30/07/2012 22:19

Ling - OP said he other half has never done anything of the sort before. It's hardly like forgiving an abusive partner. His actions were extremely wrong and no matter what the reason the OP's partner was in the wrong... can hardly call him one of "those men" when we have no background on situation.

Noqontrol · 30/07/2012 22:20

Agree tiggytape

LingDiLong · 30/07/2012 22:21

GlassofRose, I was responding to EugenesAxe. I didn't say anything about abusive partners.

solidgoldbrass · 30/07/2012 22:22

I would imagine that the children are now terrified of their father. They saw him deliberately hurt their beloved uncle so badly he had to be taken to hospital, and instead of apologising, storm off in a rage.
For their sake, the H has got to suffer some consequences for his behaviour such as being told not to come home for a few nights.

tiggytape · 30/07/2012 22:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pictish · 30/07/2012 22:23

I said the brother was a wind up merchant - but I don't think that excuses the dh in any way. At all.

I don't think anyone has taken the dh's side...but some people, myself included, are imagining the events that took place in the lead up to such a terrible event.

If you read again, you will see that we are all reading from the same page. What the OP's dh did was wrong.

Don't get too hung up on being annoyed at other posters. We all agree with you.

Socknickingpixie · 30/07/2012 22:23

op are there other things about your relationship that make you go hummmm?

thebody · 30/07/2012 22:24

An adult should be able to take teasing without carrying out a vicious assault... What if he has a bad day in the future and his then teenage dd pushing his buttons, ( she will) what then??

I said 19 was a lad and that's probably because to me I have Dcs older than that so to me he is ..

BUT,,,, it's quite normal to tease and 'goade' in a game,

I was teasing dh today as bearing him on x box sports..

He didn't feel need to break my leg though!!!

GnomeDePlume · 30/07/2012 22:25

I will be guessing that the OP has painted her baby of the family DB in the best possible light and her DH in the worst possible light. If that is the case then the truth as ever probably lies somewhere in the middle:

DH was already in a bad mood. His annoying BiL is showing off in the back garden when DH comes home. BiL starts winding up DH, quite possibly OP is also laughing along. DH puts in a clumsy tackle. BiL collapses to the ground screaming. DH says what he says and storms off.

DH doesnt know what he has done. OP doesnt know why DH was already upset. For all she knows he has gone off because of what he was already upset about.

nuilt · 30/07/2012 22:26

YANBU He needs to make the apology of his life to the brother for his thuggish behaviour.