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AIBU?

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Original poster

to lock DH out tonight and consider asking him to move out permanently

694 replies

binrel · 30/07/2012 20:42

This afternoon me and the dds and my brother who is visiting because he is on holiday from university were in the garden just playing football. DH came home early from work and he was clearly already in a bad mood and joined in. My brother then started teasing him whilst they were playing football against each other and he started doing these twists and turns with the ball whilst goading him. He then gave the ball to dd, the next time he got the ball DH charged towards him and leapt off the ground before tackling him. DH's feet went into my brothers leg just above the ankle and my brother's ankle bent in a horrible looking way.

My brother's was in agony on the floor and DH got up and shouted there you go you little twat before storming off into the car and away. I had to call an ambulance as my brother was in so much pain, the dds were also very distressed (they adore my brother). He got taken to hospital and he has suffered partial tear to his ankle ligaments. It's going to take 2-3 months for him to recover. I'm so furious with him for what he has done and the way that he charged over to him with such malice and viscousness, it was obviously not an accident. He went without his house keys I feel like locking the door so he can't come in tonight and I'm really questioning our relationship after this. He has deliberately hurt my brother who I love and so do the dds and they were both hysterical after it. Also we can't afford to go on holiday this year I thought having him stay for 10 days would at least give them something to look forward to this summer and he's done this.

OP posts:
LurkingAndLearningLovesCats · 01/08/2012 17:22

To all the eye rollers at the mention of police and them not taking it seriously because it was just soccer...Again, would that be your response if this was a sister?

Yeah, doubt it.

geegee888 · 01/08/2012 17:31

Is your DB in plaster, OP? I ask because when I went over on my ankle while running and tore my ankle ligaments, they were disinterested in me, despite the agony, and just told me to keep my weight off it. I am tough and was able to run, limpingly, a week later, and complete an Ironman triathlon 3 weeks later (was fine on the flat and in a straight line) though it was weak for about a year afterwards. The weight bearing exercise helped it return to its strength. Ankle and leg ligament injuries are deceptively painful and do take a long time to heal but are often not as serious as they first seem, and are easily done.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 01/08/2012 17:36

Conversely GeeGee, when my ex went over on his ankle he was in plaster for a week, which he probably shouldn't have been because it didn't allow for swelling and was extremely painful, and then had a removable cast for six weeks. It was a long time ago now so I can't remember the details, but he was off work for nearly three months and had to have a lot of physio for a year afterwards. Even now about 15 years later he still gets pain, and has a very limited range of mobility on it.

I'm glad your injury wasn't too bad, but ligament injuries can be horrendous. Worse than breaking a bone in many cases.

geegee888 · 01/08/2012 17:41

Outraged I must admit I'm wondering whether the severity of the injury was over-estimated in the heat of the moment. I was basically told to man up by A&E, despite being non-weight bearing, and refused an x ray because it was so common. And they were right. I was fine. So if the OP's DB were that badly injured, A&E would have x-rayed and put him in plaster. ps they try to keep swelling to a minimum, because it impedes healing.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 01/08/2012 17:50

I know that about swelling, but plaster isn't the best way to go about it in the first few days. Its just cheaper for the NHS. Swelling can be reduced in other ways and if plaster is used, cryotherapy can't be. I'm fairly certain that my ex's injury was a particularly nasty one as they go though.

Either way though, for the purpose of this thread, an injury is an injury. It doesn't make it any better if the DB is able to weight bear after two hours or two months. The fact is that OPs dh viciously attacked and injured her brother.

The dh should be sacrificing whatever he enjoys to pay for physio. At the very least the db should have an assesment by a physio that specialises in sports injuries, but physio will help any injury, big or small, and the DB is entitled to that. It wasn't an accident and he didn't do it to himself.

GoldenFucker · 01/08/2012 18:11

ankle ligament injuries are not usually put in plaster, that has no bearing on this discussion at all

the advice would be Rest Ice Compression Elevation at this point, but am not sure why we are debating how the treatment provided could mitigate anything at all

LurkingAndLearningLovesCats · 01/08/2012 18:13

When I stuffed my ligaments I was in a giant boot thing for three months, then another month of learning to put weight on it again. (I still walk funny.)

LurkingAndLearningLovesCats · 01/08/2012 18:21

Should add they think I may have fractured a bone in there too so maybe that's why mine was so bad? I had a stupid paramedic who actually took off my shoe, so by the time I got to the hospital my ankle was so distorted and swollen they couldn't x-ray it properly.

Still, the long term effects are from the ligament damage.

But this is all off topic, sorry Blush

eslteacher · 01/08/2012 18:24

Well add me to those who don't necessarily feel that this is a clear cut go-straight-to-divorce-and-dont-pass-go situation.

I think violence is awful and should never be accepted, but if the guy has never done this before and is truly sorry...surely its not crazy to say maybe there is a way forward, if the OP has come to that conclusion herself? He needs to atone big time though. I'd want to be sure he truly regretted it and that he would be aware of the need to master and stay on top of any such impulses in the future. And that he had a strategy for doing so. And any sign of repeat behaviour would have me seriously requestioning the whole thing.

BTW, no it wouldn't be the same if he attacked the OPs sister, to me anyway. But he didn't attack a woman, he attacked a man. Its different. Still not acceptable, but different IMO.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 01/08/2012 18:28

It wouldn't mitigate anything, but if the dh was that sorry about what he has done then he would be ensuring that his brother in law got the best possible treatment, and that unfortunately will mean paying privately.

rainbowinthesky · 01/08/2012 18:33

riverboat - genuine question - why is it different that he attacked a man rather than a woman?

GoldenFucker · 01/08/2012 18:42

Freddos, I don't agree that you get the best treatment by paying privately, but that is definitely a debate for another thread Smile

eslteacher · 01/08/2012 18:42

Well I have no succinct answer to that, to me it just feels like it would invoke an inherently deeper level of contempt in me if it was a case of a man attacking a woman.

I guess its linked to men being physically more powerful than women. To social conditioning too.

LurkingAndLearningLovesCats · 01/08/2012 18:44

If he's so sorry..Why did he wait until after work the next day talk to his wife at dinner, and say he'd go around and apologise on the weekend?

If I was DB, that kind of half assed 'apology' would be met with a earful akin to a pissed off sailor.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 01/08/2012 18:47

So many men are not more physically powerful than so many women though.

It sounds like you know that's quite sexist really. For all we know the db could be 11 stone and 5'4 while the dh is 18 sone and 6'4. Or vice versa. Size could arguably make a difference although personally I don't think so, violence is violence.

oliup · 01/08/2012 18:49

Did the OP not say the brother was smaller than her so I get the impression that her husband is much bigger than the brother.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 01/08/2012 18:50

Oh maybe oliup. It's a long thread!

oliup · 01/08/2012 18:53

Outraged- She did here:

My brother is a lot smaller than DH (he's actually smaller than me) so even if he didn't mean to cause the level of harm he has, going in the way he did it was always going to hurt him

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 01/08/2012 18:54

Well remembered oliup! Smile

geegee888 · 01/08/2012 18:55

I admit I haven't read the whole thread. But I must admit the impression I'm getting (and I so apologise if its wrong, its just this internet thing and not being there in person) is that football is a rough and tumble game, the OP's DH maybe has got the impression that her DB is a bit of a wuss and was trying to toughen him up a bit, and the injury is possibly not all that serious or life changing after all.

As I say, only an impression, which might well be wrong.

jamdonut · 01/08/2012 18:58

And I have said he was in the wrong.
And he didn't beat the shit out of his wife....he did a really stupid,petulant thing which ended in disaster.
I am not excusing that. I just don't think he needs completely hanging ,drawing and quartering.

And it sounds a lot more than your average "bad day at the office". NOT that that makes it OK, I keep saying this.

Ok...if it had happened to me...I would find out what the hell had happened to my husband to make him do such a thing,as it would be totally out of character for MY husband (I'm talking hypothetically, in case you're wondering). Mine has a bad temper, and can be petulant, but I have never felt frightened or in fear of mine or my children's lives from him. And by the sound of it neither has the OP.

I would be worried for my (hypothetical) brother, I would be worried what my parents would think, but I don't think I would be thinking about locking him out and ending my marriage on this incident. I would be worried about what had made him do this...and if he stormed out and didn't come back...that would be extremely out of character! Would I not be entitled to be worried about him as well as my "brother"? And I would definitely want to sit down and talk to him about what had happened. I would expect apologies to be forthcoming. I would expect relations between me and my brother, and my parents and my husband to be strained for some time.
But I wouldn't expect to be immediately ending my marriage.

Maybe I have always been lucky in my relationships, and never been treated really badly by a man before, and therefore my judgement may not be the same as those of you who have been treated like shit.

GoldenFucker · 01/08/2012 19:12

I haven't been treated like shit by a man for 20 years

but I wouldn't be casting around for reasons to let this go, either

CuriousMama · 01/08/2012 19:14

Good luck and I hope your db heals quickly?

eslteacher · 01/08/2012 19:16

I don't agree that I know it's sexist. But, I haven't deeply pondered this issue before so I am pretty much thinking out loud. It just seems like it's a much bigger transgression and flounting of even more social codes and rules if a man is violent towards a woman as opposed to a man. I agree that violence is violence (obviously) I'm not saying that it is ever acceptable. But it seems like there are degrees - a sustained, pre-meditated beating is worse than a single slap after being verbally provoked, for instance. And somewhere in that scale, to me it figures in whether a man is being violent towards a woman or another man. It's really difficult to express why. Women and men should be equal, but they are not the same and physicality is one part of that. Male on male violence is not shocking in lots of contexts - we see images of it everywhere, especially in mainstream action films, but male on female violence is much, much less normalised. So men have to cross a bigger threshold to get to the point where their desire to attack is stronger than all that conditioning that men do not hit women.

I'm not specifically talking about the OP's predicament any more, though I think it still has a bearing.

clam · 01/08/2012 19:16

Oh, right! A bad day at the office. So fair enough then, that he comes home and damn' near breaks this lad's leg.

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