to lock DH out tonight and consider asking him to move out permanently

[binrel]

This afternoon me and the dds and my brother who is visiting because he is on holiday from university were in the garden just playing football. DH came home early from work and he was clearly already in a bad mood and joined in. My brother then started teasing him whilst they were playing football against each other and he started doing these twists and turns with the ball whilst goading him. He then gave the ball to dd, the next time he got the ball DH charged towards him and leapt off the ground before tackling him. DH's feet went into my brothers leg just above the ankle and my brother's ankle bent in a horrible looking way.

My brother's was in agony on the floor and DH got up and shouted there you go you little twat before storming off into the car and away. I had to call an ambulance as my brother was in so much pain, the dds were also very distressed (they adore my brother). He got taken to hospital and he has suffered partial tear to his ankle ligaments. It's going to take 2-3 months for him to recover. I'm so furious with him for what he has done and the way that he charged over to him with such malice and viscousness, it was obviously not an accident. He went without his house keys I feel like locking the door so he can't come in tonight and I'm really questioning our relationship after this. He has deliberately hurt my brother who I love and so do the dds and they were both hysterical after it. Also we can't afford to go on holiday this year I thought having him stay for 10 days would at least give them something to look forward to this summer and he's done this.

You're right Tiggytape, I guess wrongly I was trying to metaphorically shake some sense into her out of frustration. This is such a horrific situation, I lost sight of OP.

OP, I hope you and your children are safe and unafraid. :( I hope your family forgives your husband and yourself. If you are reading, best of luck.

So what happens now then OP? Your brother will never feel welcome, or safe in your house. He will stop visiting and will always remember that you allowed your husband to do this and then welcomed him back into your house, with no consequences.

Meanwhile your husband has got what he wants, hasn't he - he's got rid of the annoying little brother. Result!

Honestly OP, get a grip. Wine and takeaway indeed!

How are you this morning OP? I guess you must have been through the wringer emotionally last night?

So now the OP has to choose between her brother and her marriage. Is that what we are saying?

And we STILL don't know the full story. Either there has been other instances,or this is an out of character, out-of-the-blue instance where things got completely out of control.
Yes it was very,very wrong, yes,very scary for all, especially the children. Nothing will ever make it better, I am certain,...but marriage ending???
There has to be more to this.

If the husband was immediately horrified at what he'd done, apologetic and desperate to put things right, then I would say it wouldn't be marriage ending. But that's not the case is it?

I don't see how the OP can reconcile her husband doing this to her little brother (and 19 is still a kid imo).

I think it sounds more like op's dh has had or is having some sort of breakdown - could be enormous work stress or similar. To do that and then not be remorseful is odd, particularly if it's the first time he's ever been violent. Something isn't right, his actions are out of character which suggests to me that he's not well.

i dont think the OP has "had a roasting" but i think people are a bit shocked with stance that started with the questin shall i lock him out and not let him back in to ive shipped brother hom to mum and hubby is coming round with wine and a chinese so we can have a chat about him hospitalising my brother in fromt of my screaming children.....

im not saying end the marriage.
im saying dont sweep it under the rug.

the OPs one line responses lead me to feel that she wasnt reeally reading anyway - more venting what she felt at the time and probably posted in panic.....now the dust has settled i also feel she may not be back, but my advice would depend totally on the dynamics of the relationship - so far nothing much has been openly revealed, but i feel that many have probably read between the lines on this one, who knows.....op did not say this was out of character, she did not say if there had been any previous incidents.

when none of these types of questions get answered, people reach their own conclusions. On the face of it, and from the OP and subsequent posts, her husband sounds like a powder keg waiting to go off., (i may be wrong) and certainly does not sound like a terribly stable or nice person (again - i may be wrong) ...and she sounds bewildered and confused, and it s probably much easier to let him come home with is wine and chinese than stay angry.

if OP doesnt want to come back, then thats totally her perogative, but i do hope she is safe, and i hope she has the strength to do whats needed (even if thats posting here or picking up a phone) if he ever gets nasty with her or her girls. If it was totally out of character then something else was going on which she needs to work out, but i suspect a man who can do what he did, while sober and in front of 2 children either has some major issues, or has the ability to do something similar again. FWIW, any incident between in laws/siblings is still classed as domestic abuse for police stats.
make no mistake - this was a domestic.

Well I doubt we´ll find out.

From some of the comments you would think that it was OP who had done the tackle!

Sorry I haven't been back for so long I've had some problems with my internet this morning.

We had a really long chat which I'll try to summarise:

DH has made a really big mistake at work and it could potentially have lost the company he works for a big deal, he had come home early because his boss had sent home to "consider his position". He is going to have a meeting with his boss on Friday where there is a decent chance he could be sacked. This is extremely bad news as I was made redundent just before Christmas and we are only just scraping by as it is. My brother's goading just sent him over the edge and he openly admits this and is very remorseful and apolegetic for the harm he has caused to my brother, me and the children.

He intends to go over (Me and the girls may or may not go with him, we haven't decided yet) and see my brother this weekend so he can apoligise and hope to go some way to repairing the damage that has been done, although he accepts that this incident can never be totally forgotten about. He also apoligised to the girls this morning for what he did and the upset that he may have caused them, although again he knows that it will take time for them to fully come to terms with what happened.

Reading some of the comments from other posters I would just say that the decisions to get his girlfriend to pick him up before DH got home was purely my own. Secondly having a bottle of wine and a take-away to discuss the incident and the surrounding situation just seemed to create an atmosphere where we could discuss everything in its entirety.

I thought your dh must have something going on for him to do something so out of character, as you said.

Hopefully his position at work can be salvaged and his apology will be accepted. His actions won't ever totally be forgiven or forgotten I would imagine, but if he accepts full responsibility then I imagine your family may understand.
Wish you well OP.

OP, I did suspect that something bad had happened to him at work as you said this was a first offence.

I think since he is remorseful and keen to make amends, then you can probably work through this. Looks like you will have a bit of a rocky path ahead both personally and financially so I wish you nothing but the best.

It's all too easy to tell someone to end a marriage but when you have children it's a gigantic step that affects them every day until their adult life and beyond.

Hopefully this is a one off and in time you can eventually move on, although the family politics will go on for a long time I suspect.

StewisGriffinsMom- There is no excuse for violence, but the job thing may explain it without excusing it. Prior to this, the OP said he has never been violent.

It doesn't make his actions OK but if it is one off and he can make amends and show deep remorse and responsibility, then I think the OP has some material she can work with. Nobody has said what he did was OK.

Everyone can snap if they're under enough stress. It's not excusable, but there are mitigating circumstances.

Sounds like some progress - just hope your brother will listen to dh. You can't demand that he does, or that he forgives dh. Dh has to accept he may have damaged that relationship for ever - and that his actions may cause a rift which would be very painful for you and the kids.

I'm sorry to hear dh is in trouble at work but agree with other posters that there's no excuse for assaulting someone. Lots of people are stressed and don't lash out at others, especially not in front of children.

Hope dh can retrieve the situation at work and is able to persuade your brother he is genuinely remorseful.

I agree with SGM, there may be some reasons for what he did but certainly no excuse

I am glad that OP seems to not be in any danger and that a plan has been put in place in an attempt to resolve this awful situation, however

Like several of us said upthread, there had to be more to this than the very brief one-liners that OP was giving. In some ways, the "more" revealed is better than some of the scenarios I had in my head, but still an enormous worry for her

Take care OP, and if you feel completely unthreatened by your husband, you must push him to accept any and all responsibilty of the damage he has done to your family. Don't let him off the hook, no matter what the provocation. That could have been one of your precious daughters at the end of an out-of-control foot/fist.

oh, I wish your H all the luck and best wishes he might need to salvage things at work. It must be terrible in these challenging days to have that cloud hanging over him and you

advise him to disclose fully there too and accept any sanctions they may impose

I truly hope he gets to keep his livelihood x

have namechanged again, sorry, if it wasn't obvious

Sorry to be harsh but I still don't think that's an excuse, and I think he should be at your brothers positively grovelling.

My friend was killed at work. I had to see her blood splattered up the wall, we were stalked by reporters, and we thought we would have to close down. I was left to deal with a lot of the backlash. I still didn't physically attack anyone and I think it should be made clear to him that a bad day at work does not excuse this, only his sincere apologies and remorse can earn firgiveness.

I do not believe there is any excuse for violence. The reaction was extreme, and unjustified.

However, I am amazed at the number of MNetters who speak as though they are infallable angels.

The OP needs constructive, uncritical advice and support. There are no winners in this situation.

OP, I just want you to be prepared for the fact your brother may very well not forgive you as well as your husband. I know if this happened to me and my DB stayed with my SIL if she had done this to me, I'd never forgive him.

I wish you luck, but I do not see this ending well for anyone except perhaps your husband.

I agree Lurking. I don't think I would ever be able to forgive a sibling of mine of they let someone get away with hurting me to that extent.

Binrel

What a horrendous time you're having. I really feel for you. I do hope DH's meeting with boss goes OK and he doesn't lose his job. Your DH was an arse after a horrible day at work.

Maybe your DB can even forgive and their relationship might even improve as a result.

Good luck.

I wonder how the reaction would have been if the op's dh had done this to a woman or her. Horrible situation for op to be in. I'm not sure I could ever move on from this.