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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I would like my 3 year old grand-daughter to stay with me for one night, but my daughter in law says NO, AIBU?

892 replies

redyam · 26/07/2012 21:47

I bit of background, this is not me, but I will write as though it is, for a friend.

I sea my grand-daughter every few weeks, we live about 100 miles away from each other. We either go down to my sons house or they come up to stay for the weekend.

We all get on really well, my grand-daughter is delightful, and behaves as good as gold whenever we spend time with her or go out for trips.

I would like to take my 3 year old grand-daughter on an overnight outing nearby. We will take her out for the evening (not late) without the parents, spend the night with her, then bring her back to her parents the next day.

I think it will do her the world of good, give me some quality time with her, and give her parents a night off to do what they want. I'm sure my GD would love it.

However my daughter-in-law says NO! No reason given, to flat out refusal. I'm a little hurt really, as though I can't be trusted with my grand-daughter.

Am I being unreasonable to want to do this, or to feel hurt?

OP posts:
c4rnsi1lk · 26/07/2012 22:38

Grandma is being unreasonable here. She already sees her granddaughter quite a bit.
Also unreasonable to be gossiping about her dil to her mates because she's not happy about her choices.
I see that the dh is the'peacekeeper' here- or is he just not able to stand up to his mother?

babyboomersrock · 26/07/2012 22:38

I can't get past this "I think it will do her the world of good" thing.

Is there a hint of criticism there? Does granny think she knows best?

I'm a granny. My lovely daughter-in-law and I get on very well, we live a few miles away from them and I mind my grandson two days a week at our house, plus occasional overnights. At their request, always.

He's their baby, and I'm flattered they trust me enough to leave him with me, but I have no "right" to him. I can love him just as well by seeing him during the day, in their house, or at the park.

(In fact, sometimes it would be lovely to be that kind of granny...)

Oh, and I wouldn't have considered leaving any of my four children with anyone overnight at the age of 3.

MummyWithMenaces · 26/07/2012 22:39

If my PIL pushed the issue (which they haven't being lovely) I furnish them with a reason but it wouldn't be the real reason

BTW I have a DS and a DD. I'm very lucky with both my DM and DMIL but I'm already making notes of 'how to be a good MIL' for the future based on our experiences so far! I'm planning to be really, really nice to future SILs and DILs.

phlebas · 26/07/2012 22:39

"Your MIL must have done a good enough job since you decided to have a baby with her offspring.

I never understand this - plenty of people grow into decent adults despite their parents rather than because of them.

My ILs have four children - two are absolute tossers, one is estranged from them & one is my dh. Have they done a good enough job? Or is my dh the lucky one who was blessed with more robust mental health & a greater ability to withstand his parents' dysfunction?

Inneedofbrandy · 26/07/2012 22:40

Well my nan and mum have carseats for my children alot less faffing about after school runs, nursery runs, if theres a emergency and you cant get to them ect.

Babysitting why wouldnt daughter inlaws want a break. I love my nights off or afternoons. Nice to sit outside and share a bottle of wine with friends without kids around, feel back to you again and get a lie in next morning. You do not have to martyr yourself you will not get a award from your kids when there older for never of slept out. What will you do when they want sleepovers with their friends later on in life when you will not even let family have them.

LadyInDisguise · 26/07/2012 22:40

God both of mines stayed at GP when they were much much younger (between 1~2 yo??).
And they have been left with GP alone when they were... 4~5months old (In that case, dc1 was at nursery, MIL was coming to pick him up, spending the afternoon with him until I was coming back home).
I have always regretted that she could not do that with dc2 as she has a much closer relationship with dc1 than dc2.

2rebecca · 26/07/2012 22:42

My kids now as teenagers regularly stay with grandparents without us. Neither set of grandparents pushed to see them without us though and seemed to enjoy our company (although we are now divorced!) and not just see us as tedious people who got in the way of them seeing more of their grandchildren "alone". If you get on well with your kids and their partners then you'll get to see more of the grandchildren. Push for your own way and they'll push you away.

Inneedofbrandy · 26/07/2012 22:42

I never understand this - plenty of people grow into decent adults despite their parents rather than because of them.

plenty of people also grow into decent nice adults because of how their parent/s raised them and lessons they taught them to.

diddl · 26/07/2012 22:43

Mine never slept at GPs without us & I wouldn´t have wanted it.

But they never had trouble sleeping over at friends.

scottishmummy · 26/07/2012 22:43

do her world of good does imply criticism
even if unintended, inference is something is amiss
maybe the unspoken thing is some tension exists

phlebas · 26/07/2012 22:43

"I don't get the "poor mothers of sons" self pitying whining"

Nope me neither - I have two sons & two daughters. I have no reason to worry that my sons' future partners will be evil bitches or I'll be poor second class grandma. Why would I?

Cabrinha · 26/07/2012 22:44

Salmotrutta, no I didn't say final decision would be mine! I said we'd talk and he might change my mind or he might not.

In all honesty, and specific to our relationship personally, I would have the final say. But I am the more hands on parent by far, and he's quite passive. I'm not saying I SHOULD have final say as the mother - but it how it's worked out with us.

In fact, almost every time MIL sees our daughter, it's instigated by me. I suggested and set up a weekly afternoon for her to have GD alone. and pop in once a week on top of that, regularly invite her on things like theatre trips, and even instigated a week long holiday with them.

All far more than we see my (cow of a) mother!

If anything is to 'blame' for me usually having the last word, it's my H's personality and choices. Quite sim

lovebunny · 26/07/2012 22:45

^WorraLiberty Thu 26-Jul-12 22:22:02
Lovebunny you do make me laugh

Sometimes when I look at the front page with all the thread titles, if it shows that you've posted on a thread, I just have to open it to see what you're going to come out with next!^

goodness! do you post here a lot?

TroublesomeEx · 26/07/2012 22:45

phlebas totally agree. It is because I have known my DH since we were 17 and am well aware of what sort of childhood he had, and seen how she behaves towards/regarding/around BIL's children that is exactly why I won't let mine stop over.

DH has told her what is and isn't acceptable regarding our children. She isn't prepared to play our game so she doesn't get to have them overnight.

Cabrinha · 26/07/2012 22:46

quite simply, I know our daughter better. Evidenced by her father calling me when I was abroad to say 'she's been crying for 10 mins, what shall I do?'

Perhaps that makes MIL unhappy - but it's either his fault or just the way it is. Certainly not mine!

phlebas · 26/07/2012 22:46

"plenty of people also grow into decent nice adults because of how their parent/s raised them and lessons they taught them to."

Yup & I assume that those parents would become nice decent grandparents who don't push it or throw toddler strops when they are told no.

MrFunnytheEasterBunny · 26/07/2012 22:47

YABU to keep pushing.
You have asked, and one of the parents has told you that they are unhappy with the idea. That's the end of it.
If you keep punching, you will only end up damaging the relationship with your DS and DIL.
It doesn't matter what the reasons are for them not wanting to send the GC to stay over, they don't feel comfortable with it, and that's enough.

You would not like to feel pushed into doing something that you felt uncomfortable with, so why expect other people to do so.

I am sure that your DS and DIL value the relationship that you all have, so why spoil it with demanding to be allowed an overnighter. Just enjoy the quality time you have in the day.

I speak from experience, my DH did not want our DS to stay unsupervised with his parents nutters as they have various safety issues that he was concerned about, as well as some issues with them undermining my DH and I with parenting which made us both very unhappy. At the time DS was born we lived about 25 miles away and before we had DS we would pop down or have them up to visit for a weekend about once every week or two. We had intended to continue this pattern when DS came along, but they constantly chipped away at my DH to send our DS overnight and my DH was adamant that there was no way that he was staying overnight (plus I was ebf), and the combination of my mil throwing tantrums about it, and their attitude to my DH meant that he finally told them he had had enough and didn't want them to keep undermining his parenting and pressurising him, so told them to get lost. I know how much pain this has caused him, and I would hate for it to happen to anyone else, so please think carefully before you continue to push.

Salmotrutta · 26/07/2012 22:47

Fair do's Cabrinha Grin

Thanks for the reply - I really was just interested and not being contrary!

TroublesomeEx · 26/07/2012 22:48

Oh I've just spent ages getting myself tied up in knots trying to say what phlebas just said!

It's clearly getting late!

TandB · 26/07/2012 22:48

Obviously the DIL doesn't have to give any reason and it is ultimately the parents' decisio, but I can understand you being hurt. I am surprised how many people think 3 is too young to stay overnight.

DS1 has been staying over with my PIL since he was a few months old and absolutely loves it. DS2 will stay over for the first time just short of 7 months next week as we have Olympic tickets and an insanely early start. I don't anticipate any difficulties, although I wouldn't put it past him to demand a feed at about 4am, so not sure how much fun it will be for PIL!

purplesprouting · 26/07/2012 22:48

Mine haven't been invited by the ils although I think they may well suggest it one day. I wouldn't be inclined to say yes as they rarely visit, do bugger all with the children on a practical or emotional level but like us to go to them so they can lavish presents, chocolates on the kids before wheeling them out to show off their marvellousness.

I would like them to be more involved, be nice if the children had more time with them and if just sometimes it was 'normal' time not some expensive indulgent overcompensation theatre piece. The b and b thing sounds similar...what is the point?

firawla · 26/07/2012 22:48

yabu - 3 years is very young. its not uncommon not to want them staying away at that age so the grandma should not be taking it personally.

my oldest is 4 and never had him staying away from home yet and don't see it happening any time soon (if either my parents or inlaws asked it would be a definite no)

dont see this as a mum of boys issue at all? im a mum of only boys myself, and its not like i would happily send them to my mums house but not to inlaws - if anyone it would more likely be inlaws, but i just dont want them going anywhere. even 4 year old would be very upset to be away

i dont get the need for it.

those families who are very close and the children enjoy it and grandparents enjoy it, then good for them - that is lovely, but not every relationship is like that and if its not then the grandparents should not just keep pushing it

and yes 'do her the world of good' does sound a bit of a snidey critisim

TroublesomeEx · 26/07/2012 22:51

Some grandparents (and probably people in general) would do well to remember the story of the sun and the wind.

Or failing that, the wise words of Cinderella in the classic Cinderella 3 - "You catch more flies with honey than vinegar."

Cabrinha · 26/07/2012 22:51

inneedofbrandy I don't see that not sending your kids on sleepovers is martyring yourself? I don't suffer for not arranging sleepovers, I don't complain about it or think it makes me a better mother. It's just a choice, that's all. I get plenty of evenings off - away with work, leaving child with husband, babysitter or yes! - MIL! Just not overnight. Don't be critical saying that's martyrdom. It isn't.

Inneedofbrandy · 26/07/2012 22:53

SardineQueen Yes I am and the children are very lucky with everyone they have around them, also a very hands on auntie who takes them on lots of day trips and spoils them silly. Grin

phlebas We are not talking about toxic familys though are we, am not assuming OP friend is a tantrum throwing granny since she is obviously coming on MN to canvas views on why a DIL would say no. A very sensible granny to think outside of the box and hear what other people have to say about this problem.