I would like my 3 year old grand-daughter to stay with me for one night, but my daughter in law says NO, AIBU?

[redyam]

I bit of background, this is not me, but I will write as though it is, for a friend.

I sea my grand-daughter every few weeks, we live about 100 miles away from each other. We either go down to my sons house or they come up to stay for the weekend.

We all get on really well, my grand-daughter is delightful, and behaves as good as gold whenever we spend time with her or go out for trips.

I would like to take my 3 year old grand-daughter on an overnight outing nearby. We will take her out for the evening (not late) without the parents, spend the night with her, then bring her back to her parents the next day.

I think it will do her the world of good, give me some quality time with her, and give her parents a night off to do what they want. I'm sure my GD would love it.

However my daughter-in-law says NO! No reason given, to flat out refusal. I'm a little hurt really, as though I can't be trusted with my grand-daughter.

Am I being unreasonable to want to do this, or to feel hurt?

I don't like to swear unless I'm really upset. I'm getting there, but not quite there yet.

I'd rather be sworn at than spoke to like a 3 year old TBH.

And I have to go and see how I go about putting my children into care. I'm over 50- they obviously aren't safe with me. So glad I've had that explained to me- something awful could have happened. And we were going tithe beach tomorrow- and mubds was having some friends for a sleepover- this thread came just in time.

Going to the beach?
Having sleepovers?

What can you be thinking seeker? - you must stay at home knitting. Really.

Well, how about you read my preceding posts properly, eh? Then I won't feel condescending. No-one said over fifties had to put their children in care. No-one said that all over fifties were incompetent.

Would you like it if I had replied to your posts by saying that obviously you thought all under 70s should be banned from having cataract operations? It's similarly unreasonable.

Oh FGS - where are you off to Seeker in my marvellous home county. Somewhere nice with rockpools and sand for crabbing I hope. Let me know and I'll send my mum down to help you if it's to somewhere-on-Sea - she's ace with a persil net and a bit of bacon fat; the dc once caught over a 100 crabs in an afternoon.

They actually have a mobility shop there now - you can try them out and everything for a small deposit - thankfully dsd is having his first knee replaced this week and should be off the stick in a jiffy.

Seriouzzzzzzzzzzz (can we end the thread now?)

bye then

Hmm

sorry couldnt resist will let myself be dragged off now...

Lots of people seem to be implying that a mum is being selfish by 'not allowing' her young child to stay at a relatives house. I would love to be able to leave my DS at relatives houses for long weekends so I could go on mini breaks. I don't because I know that my son would find it distressing to be without us for that long, not because I'm selfishly trying to keep him to myself!

YANBU to want to do this, there's no harm in offering at all, but it depends HOW you asked. if you were trying to insist or being forceful or stroppy about it, behaving as if it's your right to have your GD overnight then i imagine your DIL felt pressured and defensive.

FWIW, i personally would say yes. my daughter (who's nearly 3) first stayed with my parents overnight when she was 11 months old. i was away for a few days and my husband was working so she had 3 nights at her grandparents (who also live 100 miles away) and that was the first time she was away from me. she was absolutely fine! she also stayed with them for 3 days last year (when she was 2) when we were moving house, and my parents have also come to pick her up and taken her to another relatives house overnight and we joined them the next day (once at xmas and once at easter).

it depends entirely on the family dynamics and relationship between parents/inlsaw/kids and grandkids, and what the child's parents are comfortable with and agree to. no-one else has rights to that child, and even if the mother says no and even if it's for 'no reason', that's her perogative.

I have not read all 36 pages of this, so apologies if I have missed something...

If your friend is really keen on the idea of a sleepover, then it might be a good idea for her to offer to look after her DGD for the night at the DGD's house first (while her parents go away for the evening). At least then the DGD will be in a familiar environment with all her things around her. I have left my DS (now 2.5) overnight with my PIL twice, but always at our house where I know he is happy and secure. I'd be reluctant to let my PIL 'take him away' somewhere for the night as I know that he can be a bit of a handful settling to sleep in a new environment. He has had mini-sleepovers at my PILs' house - i.e. they have bathed him and put him to bed while DH and I have been out at a wedding (for example) but we have always been there in the morning to see to him.

For the record, I'd be the same with my parents (in fact, DS has never stayed overnight with them at either my house or theirs! But that's more to do with distance than anything else)

If your friend's DIL has let her DD have sleepovers with her own parents, then I can see why your friend would be hurt by her refusal. But it might be a simple case of the DIL being more comfortable leaving instructions with her own parents. I am fairly neurotic when it comes to DS, but I know I can leave my mum a list of instructions 5 miles long and she will follow them, because she understands what I'm like. With my ILs I try to appear more 'reasonable' and let them do things their way, but that then makes me more tense as I worry about what is happening!

Anyway, hth a bit and that you've come back and made it this far!

Dear Grandma
The sheer volume of responses to this post should give you an idea that it is a touchy and very personal subject.
My Daughter is nearly 2.
My mum lives five mins up the road and my mother in law 40 mins away.
My Daughter has stayed at my mums for a sleep once and I cried when she left.
Ridiculous I know but as a new mum or a first time Mum you spend your life focused on your child and everyone adapts in a different way to being parted from their Children. I love being with my child and I do not feel that is a bad thing there is plenty of time for her to grow up and spend time away from me in the future.
My Daughter has not stayed over at my mother in laws and my mother in law has not asked.
I am pleased because I know the answer would be no.
My mother in law would be more than welcome to come and stay with us if she felt the need to spend a night under the same roof as her grand daughter but for now the distance is too far and I would be worried and uncomfortable as my daughter is difficult to put to bed and sometimes becomes distressed when she wants Mummy. Also my mother in law is not with her first husband and her new husband has never had children and is not great/ natural about being around young children he does not appear to see the warning signs around upsets and temper tantrums.
Also before my child was born my mother in law did not spend any time with us as a family so it has been a difficult relationship anyway which is becoming a lot better due to more tolerance on both sides and spending time together once a week.
In my opinion it would be silly to become upset that your daughter in law does not want to leave her three year old overnight with you.
Don't be precious all you will achieve by doing that is to put up barriers and create difficulty's in your relationship with your Sons Famiyl.
Your Daughter in law calls the shots in that little family because it is her own.
Be reasonable be patient and above all be supportive.
It sounds to me very much like you need to learn to like your daughter in law.
Only then will she learn to like you....
I would not leave my child with anyone who I felt did not have an affinity with me or felt my parenting was wrong.
In fact I would go out of my way to avoid doing so.
As it is my husband had a word with my mother in law who was being pushy when my child was six months old and as a result we now have a semi good relationship I feel she is learning to respect me and I have learnt to understand her better.
This could not have happened if she had continued to put pressure on me.
Its not forever!

Also why not have the whole family to stay and spend quality time with all.... Can you not be yourself with them as a family? After they have stayed a few times and feel comfortable maybe mumm will relax and consent to a sleepover xx