I would like my 3 year old grand-daughter to stay with me for one night, but my daughter in law says NO, AIBU?

[redyam]

I bit of background, this is not me, but I will write as though it is, for a friend.

I sea my grand-daughter every few weeks, we live about 100 miles away from each other. We either go down to my sons house or they come up to stay for the weekend.

We all get on really well, my grand-daughter is delightful, and behaves as good as gold whenever we spend time with her or go out for trips.

I would like to take my 3 year old grand-daughter on an overnight outing nearby. We will take her out for the evening (not late) without the parents, spend the night with her, then bring her back to her parents the next day.

I think it will do her the world of good, give me some quality time with her, and give her parents a night off to do what they want. I'm sure my GD would love it.

However my daughter-in-law says NO! No reason given, to flat out refusal. I'm a little hurt really, as though I can't be trusted with my grand-daughter.

Am I being unreasonable to want to do this, or to feel hurt?

*if the child's mum does not want her away from home, that's it, she stays at home.
your wishes don't come into it. you had your go at being a mum, now it's someone else's turn. this isn't about you, it's about the child, and if the mum isn't happy with the arrangement, the child won't be happy either.

you don't have a 'right' to the child - stop feeling so entitled. try to support the mum instead.*

A bit harsh maybe?

And think about the number of folk on here who moan about never being offered any babysitting by MIL

Lovebunny, I have to disagree that if the mum isn't happy, the child won't be happy. But other than that, I agree!

It's hard to judge without hearing the conversation. But when she said no, she may have thought you were offering to be kind, rather than because it was actually for you. If so, she may but have realised that a 'no' would be softer with a reason.

No, YANBU.

But...Have they ever been to the 'friends' to stay overnight with dgd and they've been able to see how well she cares for her? Does dgd sleep over at maternal grandparents house? The blank refusal might mean mother is clingy/possessive and isn't willing for anyone to have dgd overnight OR there are issues regarding 'friend' looking after the dgd that are a complete 'no no' for the DIL but neither does she want to raise them with her MIL to avoid a row/hurt/family rupture.

i agree 3 is a bit too young for a sleep over.

3 yearss old is too young if she isn't used to it.

You have every right to ask.

They have every right to say no without an explanation.

Would the DIL let her own mother have her, would all the posters saying no let their own mothers have the granddaughter.

I have said "no" to my MIL when she has made similar requests. I have quite specific reasons for doing so.

Why do you think it would do her "the world of good"?

What is it you think your DIL is doing wrong?

Why does she need the time away from her parents (as suggested by it doing her the world of good)?

If your DH is staying quiet to play the peacekeeper, I'd suggest he is supporting her and just doesn't want to upset you by doing so verbally. He clearly thinks his wife has it under control.

YANBU for wanting the night and you have clearly thought it through to make it as painless as possible for all involved. However, the parents get to make the final decision.

Having said that, assuming dgd doesn't have any huge sleep issues etc and that you are genuinely a responsible person with a good relationship with your dil, I simply can't understand why your ds and dil refuse this. Ds does have sleep issues and us only 14 months so I wouldn't let just anyone have him but the two people I would consider letting him stay with overnight are my mum and mil, if we lived nearer and they and him were more used to each other. As it is, last time we saw them at Christmas, both dmum and mil had him for afternoons and put him down for naps etc.

The person who wouldn't even let their lo stay with dp?! Really?! I don't understand that.

I was wondering about the DIL's Mum too ...

And I completely disagree that 3 is too young for a sleepover with a grandparent.
But if the mum feels that way it's obviously her perogative.

Well I'd jump at the chance personally, but the offer isn't on the table

But sorry Yabu it is up to the parents what happens and in the case where one or the other feels strongly not, and the child is quite young, you need to just accept it.

IKilled - I'd let my next door neighbour's dead dog take my children for the night before I allowed my own mother to, so no, I wouldn't let my own mother have the granddaughter.

I would trust my MIL with my children over my own mother. But I wouldn't let them stop the night.

Dowagers, I agree with you. I let my Mum have ds1 overnight as soon as he stopped bfing. I think it does take a village to raise a child. However, I do like picking the village! I would not be comfortable with my kids staying over at my in laws. They are really, really different. They have different values from me and my dh, gossip a lot, seem to enjoy saying very cruel things to each other and winding kids up, are a bit critical of me. I would worry the kids would say something 'incriminating', or witness/ hear nastiness about others, be exposed to conversation that I don't want them hearing and have the mick ripped out of them when they are too little to understand. So I guess it depends on the history of the relationship between the DIL and her MIL.

My mum was like this with DD. I was just not ready to let her stay away at that age.
I didnt want a 'break' from her.
It wasnt because I didnt trust my mum

I felt she was too young and I wanted her with me. The more my mum went on about it the more upset I became.
It became a bit obessesive which made me even more wary IYSWIM.

I think you should back off for a while and your time will come.

not harsh, true.

not grandma's child. mum's child. not the village's child. mum's child. that's how it is.

so many people (usually relatives but not always) seem to think they have rights over children. all the decisions have to be taken by the parents, and everyone else needs to support them.

my point about the mum being unhappy - i'm not thinking of the one night, maybe grandma could keep the child happy. i'm thinking of longer term. the mum should not be undermined. it's hard enough being a mum (though wonderful too) without having other people trying to bend you to their will... and unhappy mum can't be good for the child.

Just another fucking depressing thread for the mothers of boys

three is very small... is she definitely dry at night? if she's out of nappies does she have accidents? Does she sleep through? do you know she doesn't wake up needing her mum or dad in the night?

there could be all sorts of reasons that your DIL doesn't want to share with you.

not to mention that your DIL might want to spend every night with her DD. does she work? If so, evenings are precious.. and even if she is a SAHM evenings can be precious for daddy time. Not every parent wants 'a break'.

Reasons for not having 3yo overnight =

still nappies at night
maybe not entirely trained in daytime
maybe takes nappy off at night and pees in the bed
or gets up out of bed and craps in a corner
maybe wants 82 stories and is still being a PITA at 9pm
maybe gets up at 5am without fail
maybe is still having a BF last thing at night
etc etc etc

or maybe the mum just thinks she is too young or doesn't like the idea for some other reason

Really it's down to the parents and these parents have decided no
So the answer is no.

Ha X-posts~!

I personally wouldn't have a problem with it - I allowed my dc to stay at both my dm and mil when they were young.

Call me irresponsible I even went away for a weekend to Dublin with DH and left my ds then aged 3 y.o. for 3 nights with mil. When we came back he had learnt to recognise numbers up to ten in books and had simply loved the time away from us.

I'm confident enough in my relationship with my dc to know they won't forget me over a long weekend and never understood why some parents feel the need to be so controlling.

Our two DDs (now 9 and 4)have been left with grandparents and other family members on occasions since they were few months old for dd1 and 14months for dd2. They are currently with Pil this week and my parents week after next so we can work. Both live over 100 miles away . They ave a blast doing different things to what thy do at hoe (lots of visiting beach, swimming etc). Everybody benefits.

I KilledIgglePiggle - why?
If anything, I feel sorry for mums of girls, seeing that as future DILs they'll get the blame whilst son gets to say nothing ;0)

Oh I absolutely agree with you lovebunny that it shouldn't be about undermining a mum (or parents, as most children have both).

My mum has never had to ask to look after DS overnight - she has since he was 5 months old when I went to a work function - she had a big supply of EBM and they were both very happy. She co-sleeps with him in a bed with just the two of them. When my parents come and visit/when we visit them, DS will often want to sleep with her rather than me because she is 'cuddlier' than I am.

I'm delighted they have such a close relationship - I'm glad he brings them such joy and it makes my heart sing to see them together. The more people who love him, the better as far as I can see.

Like others, DIL has every right to say no and you shouldn't push it(although DD shouldn't be staying out of it really - what's his actual opinion?) However I do think it's a strange viewpoint at 3 - does she articulate reasons?

sardine - we've obviously known the same 3 yr olds

One night, one night at grandmas house, that's it, not a week, not interfering with precious mummy time, one night.

If DIL thinks she is too young then why not say so, why a blanket NO.......why not say maybe in a few months, I don't get it at all.