I would like my 3 year old grand-daughter to stay with me for one night, but my daughter in law says NO, AIBU?

[redyam]

I bit of background, this is not me, but I will write as though it is, for a friend.

I sea my grand-daughter every few weeks, we live about 100 miles away from each other. We either go down to my sons house or they come up to stay for the weekend.

We all get on really well, my grand-daughter is delightful, and behaves as good as gold whenever we spend time with her or go out for trips.

I would like to take my 3 year old grand-daughter on an overnight outing nearby. We will take her out for the evening (not late) without the parents, spend the night with her, then bring her back to her parents the next day.

I think it will do her the world of good, give me some quality time with her, and give her parents a night off to do what they want. I'm sure my GD would love it.

However my daughter-in-law says NO! No reason given, to flat out refusal. I'm a little hurt really, as though I can't be trusted with my grand-daughter.

Am I being unreasonable to want to do this, or to feel hurt?

Oh - and for mothers of boys. I think if you are a lovely person, and a lovely MIL, you'll be fine. My dsis is very close to her PIL's as they are great and very kind, loving people and similar to our own parents in many ways. I think cross cultural it becomes a bit harder though as the kids may have similar values/ interests/ ways of doing things, but the parents generations are very different.

lovebunny - it's not "Mum's child". It's Mum and Dad's child actually.

But, the point is that Mum has said no (and Dad has said nothing or is neutral) so there is nothing to be gained by the Gran having a battle about it.

I agree with Dowager's post wholeheartedly.

The grandparents all live 5 mins away from us and have any of the buggers offered to have the children in 5 years? No. And Forget offering I have asked and the answer is thanks but no thanks.

The idea that people have GPs who are gagging to take the children off your hands for a night is incredible to me! And what you could do! Sleep! Lie in! Morning sex! Aahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Still hopefully they'll both move out after the next 20 years or so maybe.

I'm not AGAINST sleepovers. Have had 3 of my daughter's friends sleepover with me at 2 & 3 years - two weren't sleepers. They loved it! Thing is, there is nothing I love more in the morning than waking up nose to nose (we cosleep) with my wonderful girl. So why would I give that up? Neither she nor I are clingy - I just like being with her, and these previous days won't last. I don't, as MrsD said, need a break.

sardine Queen - other than the bf, nne of the other reasons are shows toppers. My dd2 didn't sleep through until she was 3 bu both sets of GPs would look fte her overnight. Although a PITA, sleep issues are not so big a deal if you're only looking after child for night or two. We always found th she woul bloody sleep until 9am when stayed elsewhere!!

I never realised before MN how many people never let their children go out for sleepovers at grandparents aunties and uncles. It is good for a child to have different experiences and build close relationships with other family members apart from mum and dad. My mum has mine for a weekend once a month and my lovely lovely nan has them every thursday overnight and dd dad has both children regular at his or his mums. what IKilledIgglePiggle said, making me think when my sons old enough and married thats going to be it isnt it, after all my turn of being a mother would have passed.

none of my girls would have been staying overnight with anyone except my mum at 3

sorry

maybenow yes my younger one is just 3.

Why specifically overnight? DiL is obviously not comfortable with it, so why get worked up about it? There are other ways to spend time alone with your grand-daughter without having her overnight. Would DiL be happy for you to take her for a day out somewhere nice?

I would also think carefully about whether you have any habits etc that are affecting DiL's decision. Do you smoke, drink, have big dogs etc?

If DiL does have any concerns, you could discuss them and put DiL's mind at rest. At the end of the day though, if DiL doesn't want her DD to stay away overnight, thats her choice and an understandable one too.

scutler peeing in the bed? crapping in a corner? not show stoppers?

they bloody are around here!

IgglePiggle - I agree with you too.

I fear for what might happen if my DS has kids in the future.

Although I am a good MIL to my SIL - a DIL is different.

That said - I have a difficult MIL but I trusted her to care for and look after my children when she babysat.

(apart from when she interfered about ridiculous things that is, like what constituted good career choices when they were older )

You lucky, lucky sod, inneedof brandy

My mum and my inlaws have wonderful relationships with my children. They don't need to have them overnight.

There is no reason to criticise the DIL in this case. She is not happy with the suggestion, so that is that. Grandmother should back off and not pressurise, as it will only upset and damage the relationship with her DIL.

But ikilledigglepiggle, we don't KNOW exactly what was said?
"would you like me to have x overnight this weekend so you can go out?"
"oh that's kind, but it's OK thanks"
That could be quite a light conversation.

As long as mothers don't bring their sons up to abdicate all child related issues to their partners, I don't see why this means sons are hard done by.

FWIW, it'll be a cold day in hell before my mother sees my daughter - MIL has her once a week, and one day - just not yet - could have a sleepover if she wanted it.

It's nice that you love your DGD. It's a nice thing you've offered to do But your DIL is not unreasonable for saying no.

My children (a bit older than you DGD) have stayed overnight with my folks (in their house) twice. My DC are very close to my parents but my wee boy cried his heart out the night before each sleepover even though he enjoyed the actual experience itself. He loves his DGPs very much but really isn't that comfortable being away from us overnight yet.

They have never stayed over with my PIL. I love my PILs and so do the children but in addition to the fact that DS doesn't really like sleepovers there are other good reasons not to let them stay over there.

They are valid reasons but I wouldn't share them with PIL because it would really hurt their feelings and that's just unnecessary frankly.

My concerns will reduce as the children get older so they will get to have them overnight eventually but not just now.

I wouldn't want either set of GPs taking them away to a hotel.

Quite frankly it doesn't matter whether I'm being unreasonable, they're my children and I (and my DH) get to decide. And no I don't think I do have to say why.

Ps if the son is staying 'out of it' it's probably because he agrees with his wife and doesn't want to upset his Mum.

I think three is a bit young.

Sounds like it's more about what Gran wants than what her gd wants.

Yabu.

Don't understand why the 3yo has to stay away from the mum/dad. They should be invited too IMO. I would not have let either of mine stay with anyone at that age. Fine to ask, but have to accept the answer is no, regardless of reason.

not grandma's child. mum's child. not the village's child. mum's child. that's how it is

Lovebunny you do make me laugh

Sometimes when I look at the front page with all the thread titles, if it shows that you've posted on a thread, I just have to open it to see what you're going to come out with next!

My kids didn't stay overnight with relatives age 3 just for the hell of it. In general if we were all visiting distant relatives we spent time together. If my parents or inlaws had suggested they wanted the kids over but not us we'd have felt a bit
I don't get the desperate desire of older relatives to have little kids "all to ourselves"

I have two DSs and thank god I also have a DD because according to this thread and many many others on MN I will become defunct once my wonderful little boys get married......in fact I'm going to go and give them a kiss right now and pray that they are either gay, confirmed bachelors or that they marry an orphan.

I think I need an MN break, the MIL threads really get to me.

what's the rapport between you all like?
I wouldn't do a sleepover at 3yo at that distance
but you should be given a definitive reason

Please tell me why several of you have such low expectations of your sons!! If my husband thought out daughter should stay with his mother, he'd state his case. And I'd listen. He might change my mind. He might not.

Ikilled - Maybe, it's because many men are quite happy to sit back and let the mum make the majority of the decisions about the children. My husband is a great hands on dad, but our parenting style is essentially my parenting style. Our dietary preferences for the children are essentially my dietary preferences for the children, etc.

That's not to suggest he's disengaged, just that he's generally happy to let me make those sorts of decisions. Which means that when someone 'contravenes the rules' (for want of a better expression) it's generally me who identifies it. He'd happily put up with anything for a quiet life!

I think the reasons there are problems between MILs and DILs in the way that there isn't between women and their own mothers is that you feel more confident in challenging your own mother than you do someone else's. I was quite happy to challenge mine, but I don't want to upset MIL so rely on my husband to talk to her if we're I'm not happy with something. Which he does, and we generally rub along nicely. She just has very different views on parenting to me and openly states that in her house, it's her rules. And I don't like her rules.

If the husband refuses to 'get involved' or wants to play the 'peacekeeper' like the OP's son, then that is where the problems arise. That is when it looks like the DIL has a problem with the MIL.

Everyone's different and everyone's different about night time parenting. I wouldn't have let my 3 year olds sleep over anywhere without a parent. I am not, in general, a clingy parent as my kids are quite feral during the day. I read on here about kids who can't play out alone, go to the shops alone, be left alone, and I see I am very relaxed with my parenting style during the day. But at night they stay where I or dh can be in earshot, at least when little.
Wrt my own mil, I trust her less than my mother but that's an individual thing ie she is less trustworthy on safety issues than my mum - open bedroom windows, unfenced pond, lax attitude to car safety etc. So maybe there are issues there for mil to think about. Also alcohol consumption/smoking

Wrt op - just chill, ask for an afternoon out maybe and ask again for a sleepover next year

Igglepiggle, I have the same (2 ds's and a dd). I am going to do my very best to be a lovely MIL!