I would like my 3 year old grand-daughter to stay with me for one night, but my daughter in law says NO, AIBU?

[redyam]

I bit of background, this is not me, but I will write as though it is, for a friend.

I sea my grand-daughter every few weeks, we live about 100 miles away from each other. We either go down to my sons house or they come up to stay for the weekend.

We all get on really well, my grand-daughter is delightful, and behaves as good as gold whenever we spend time with her or go out for trips.

I would like to take my 3 year old grand-daughter on an overnight outing nearby. We will take her out for the evening (not late) without the parents, spend the night with her, then bring her back to her parents the next day.

I think it will do her the world of good, give me some quality time with her, and give her parents a night off to do what they want. I'm sure my GD would love it.

However my daughter-in-law says NO! No reason given, to flat out refusal. I'm a little hurt really, as though I can't be trusted with my grand-daughter.

Am I being unreasonable to want to do this, or to feel hurt?

"I don't get the desperate desire of older relatives to have little kids "all to ourselves""

Yes! Me neither! Is there some kind of course I can send mine and DH parents on?

My SIL (DP's sis) had my DS for nearly a week last October when he was 2.9. He absolutely loved it! She and her teenage children loved it! I keep hinting about when it'll next happen!

OP, your friend's DiL is mad not to accept the offer of a night and day off imo, but not everyone is take them away easy-going as me when it comes to parenting.

Some people do need to let go slightly. Children are not possesions wether you birthed them or not, they are there own people you know. Your MIL must have done a good enough job since you decided to have a baby with her offspring.

My nan is the best nan in the world, even when I was a complete teenage cow my nans door was always open, she even took me in 14 to 16 and thats my dads mum. Never realised what bitches woman can be to other woman, well evil keep my child away from grandparents remember karma when your dc give you dgc!

both my dds stayed with grandparents well before 3 years old and dd1 before three months old. I have a friends baby come and stay overnight as she is single mum and wants the very odd night out and has no other parent to assist with this.

Op why does this friends need to take the grandchild away from her parents for the night? That is the bit I don't really understand - the parents travel to the grandparent and stay over so why is this not enough?

I reckon leave it a year or two, maybe offer to stay at their house and pay for them to go to a hotel, or at GP house if GD familiar with it, and parents stay at hotel near GP, maybe near their wedding anniversary, then much more likely. Wish someone would take my 3 for the night, as long as they were from the right village!

well it depends on the child doesnt it, some will be fine with this at 3yrs old, some wouldnt sardine gave a good list of reasons, many of which would apply to my just 4 yr old (ie nappy at night) and they also applied to my elder 3, 2 of them were still bfeeding at that age.

my mil has my elder 3 now, but not all at the same time, she has done for a year or so? but only one at a time and they are 12, 10 and 7, i dont think they stayed overnight before they were 6yrs old? my parents do the same have one, maybe two of them overnight, but again did NOT want to do it whilst they were still in nappies etc.

its not something that happens very often, family live too far away, maybe if they were more local then it would do?

anyway its lovely that gma wants to have the dgd, but wait for a bit and see, she is still very little :)

YANBU if you have a good relationship and are a hands on gran in the day etc.

My DD1 is 3.5 and loves going to my parents'. They have also had DD2 11m here for a night. They will have them for 3 nights later in the year. We wouldn't trust anyone more than my parents with them as besides us, the girls know them best.

My ILs on the otherhand won't be having them to stay ever. This is v sad for MIL (who has stayed here once with DD1 & SIL) but FIL has significant MH problems and couldn't cope. She knows this. TBH she isn't hands on with the baby (has never done a nappy for her or a bottle for example) so I wouldn't want her to suddenly have to. She's more of a few hours nice playing type of gran.

OP you deserve an explanation at least.

I (and my DH) get to decide. And no I don't think I do have to say why.

Well actually I would explain why, especially if the issue isn't with the PIL/GP but with the parents (who don't want their dcs away) or the dcs (who find it difficult etc...).
It just helps ensuring that no one is taking things the wrong way.

I have to say, I have never seen an issue with any GP looking after the dcs overnight. Simply because I trust them entirely, the dcs were happy about it and it is important for them to build a relationship with their GPs.
I can say that now they are older, my dcs are much closer to my parents than PIL, mainly because they have spent more time with them.
However, parents do get to decide, do what they are most comfortable with.

It's just that making an effort to communicate helps unless there are some other issue that the OP hasn't talked about, which could explain the flat refusal wo explanation

Folkgirl I agree with you and I'd also add to that, that lots of women also have very close relationships with their own mothers, my mum is my best friend now, not just my mum. I like my mil but Ive known her for less than 2 years (whereas my mum has been there for 24 years!) and my husband isn't even close to his family in the same way I am, not at all! I think its only natural that girls will involve their own mum's a bit more, and tbh, trust them more (unless they don't have a good relationship anyway). I just think that's how it is.

My inlaws are 250 miles away and i wouldn't let them take my 2 and nearly 5 yr old for an overnighter. Its mainly about the distance and I think they are too young to be so far away at this age. But when they are older, maybe when the youngest is 6, i would definitely consider it. But not at this age i wouldn't.

There can be a bit of competition grannying going on. Mil has friends who boast about having their own carseat for their dgc etc..!

So basically you are saying that the final decision would still be yours Cabrinha?

Not taking a pop, honestly, just interested.

DH and I usually came to mutual agreements on most child-rearing stuff. If we disagreed strongly about something we tried to reach a compromise.
So, for example, in the OPs scenario we would have maybe agreed to a whole day out for the DC with the GPs if one of us had said a flat NO to a stay-over.

ivy I have to say, my experience is that GPs do build a different type of relationship when they see their gc wo the parents.

Probably because they won't feel as self concious and also because there is less 'interference' eg if child is upset, he will see mummy and daddy rather than GP (which is completely normal) whereas wo the parent, the child gets to expreince the support & help of the GP.

fact dil won't let you suggests strained relationship
in a harmonious relationship it wouldn't be an issue
in harmonious relationship dil would openly discuss reasons and offer compromise

I don't get the "poor mothers of sons" self pitying whining. I have a son and don't believe that if he has kids i'll be desperate to take his 3 year old away from him and have a night in a b&b somewhere that none of us know, where the kid gets homesick and cries or won't sleep and I er get what exactly out of it? Why not spend the evening with my son and his wife, stay with them or in b&b whichever there is room for and come back and see my grandchild in the morning with her having had a comfy night in her own bed and being well rested.
I really don't get the "special night ALONE with granny" thing. This isn't an affair, it's your grandchild. Why do some people want to stop seeing their kids when they become adults?

igglepiggle as a mum of 4 boys i dont get why this is bothering you so much, if my sons have children when they are older, i wont be expecting to have them overnight, esp not when they are little! if my son and his partner (whoever that may be) want me to have them then yes i will do so (as long as i am not busy i have many plans for when my children grow up!) but i would respect their choice and understand they they know their child best and if they didnt think their child was old enough or ready for a sleepover then that would be fine.

i do agree an explanation would be nice, a simple i dont think she is old enough or she wakes in the night etc.

Remember that at 3 the child will be voicing opinions too. My 3yo was offered a sleepover with a friend tomorrow night. She said no. Apparently, it would be 'boring' - a bit more investigation and I discovered that is because I previous used a sleepover there as a carrot, if she slept through; "it will be boring because I'll have to sleep quietly and not talk to Oscar in the night" :0)

Massively slow typist!

When I won't give reasons for a decision made, it is to avoid a lot of pointless argument or causing hurt by saying things out loud that would be kindest left unsaid. If the DIL gave reasons, wouldn't you just try to persuade her the reasons weren't good enough? What is the background here about how much she feels listened to?

FWIW, I'd be less happy having my child stay in some kind of hotel, b&b, whatever the plan is than have her stay in grandparents' home that she knows (and I know). I'm not sure it is rational but I am very sure I don't want anyone telling me I am wrong in an instinctive decision about my child. As mum, it's my job to work through my instincts and evaluate them in my own time, not be forced into a discussion or justification to suit overbearing others. Hmph and bah humbug.

So YANBU to want it but YABU to feel you are owed any kind of explanation.

grr my strike through didnt work! and waht 2rebecca said!

LID - I have had the opposite with all three sets of grandparents and great grandparents - when staying I was ignored and they went to which ever grandparent was there. I was very laid back though so possibly it was a different dynamic.

Well, I can see why you'd want to and but also see that not all parents are going to be comfortable with overnights at such a young age. No reason to push it and make it a big issue IMO - sounds like you get to see your grandchildren lots.

I disagree that you should push your son on the point - his wife, the child's mother, already said no. It would do no good for anyones relationship for you to pester him for a yes. I might quietly and nonchalantly check in with him as to why though to make sure they have no concerns that are a barrier.

I wouldn't have been ready for this when my DD1 was 3 yrs old.

We had our first and only night away when DD1 was 4 and DD2 was 2 and stayed in a hotel an hour away while my parents looked after them at our home.

I don't know what your family situation is, OP, but neither my family or DH's live nearby and we've got through the hardest of times together e.g. swine flu - me pregnant, DH and DD1 all struck down with it, in quarrantine, no family help (no offer of family help) and I, personally, would find it really patronising if someone in the family suddenly decided they wanted to take our now, much older and easier toddlers overnight, now that they aren't so difficult to look after.

No thanks, chum. We managed just fine without you when the going was tough, what makes you think we need you now?

YABU if the mum isn't happy. My 3 year old hasn't slept at GP although he has been on local trips out at least once a month alone with my parents. My older ones all slept over at my parents age 4ish maybe younger. But I couldn't have let ILs as they are so toxic.

Dcs 6 & 8 off for a week's hols with exILs and 2yr dc3 going to have a few days with them at their home in the Autumn, as they all have done at some point - they live about 90 mins away. I miss them lots but they have a great time.