I would like my 3 year old grand-daughter to stay with me for one night, but my daughter in law says NO, AIBU?

[redyam]

I bit of background, this is not me, but I will write as though it is, for a friend.

I sea my grand-daughter every few weeks, we live about 100 miles away from each other. We either go down to my sons house or they come up to stay for the weekend.

We all get on really well, my grand-daughter is delightful, and behaves as good as gold whenever we spend time with her or go out for trips.

I would like to take my 3 year old grand-daughter on an overnight outing nearby. We will take her out for the evening (not late) without the parents, spend the night with her, then bring her back to her parents the next day.

I think it will do her the world of good, give me some quality time with her, and give her parents a night off to do what they want. I'm sure my GD would love it.

However my daughter-in-law says NO! No reason given, to flat out refusal. I'm a little hurt really, as though I can't be trusted with my grand-daughter.

Am I being unreasonable to want to do this, or to feel hurt?

The way it was initially written it did sound patronising. Just because someone is losing their hearing they need to be shown how to cross a road and look both ways? Surely just a gentle reminder would do?

To me I said it sounded patronising, not that it definitely was. It still does sound that way to me and I wasn't taking anything away from the fact you worry for your mother

Usual you do make me giggle, even when you're cross!
My best mate is 50 (looks about 35) and is out partying most weekends!
All this talk of 50 year older slowing down is silly. Yes some are but most aren't in my experience!

Why if someone dies at 70 they must have been too old to drive at 60? this is getting more confusing

I'm menopausal as well as cross , not a good combination

Very different assumptions about what a grandparent to a 3 year old is on this thread - some might be 43 and actually fully young enough to be the child's mother! If the mum had her own child at 40 and the child had their child at 40, the grandmother could conceivably be 83! However the OP is still working - that doesn't actually tell us her age of course, but implies she is more likely under 65...

Still the age related physical slowing down can start at different points for different people - my mother is grandmother to 5 children aged between 1 and 8, and she is in her mid 60s, but she is not a sprightly mid 60s - some people haven't slowed down at all at that age, but my mum can't lift my youngest, my dad can't walk 100 meters and neither of them can keep up with the normal speed my 4 and 6 year olds walk down the road at, and have to call them back; my mum has always been slightly deaf in one ear but doesn't acknowledge that this has got significantly worse in recent years, and she just is off in her own world a lot, without it being dementia or anything she honestly will stand and fiddle with the settings on her camera, absorbed in the idea of taking the perfect photo of her grandchild, while the child rolls off down the hill in the push chair or toddles off into the road - luckily somebody always stays near by to make a grab, she doesn't even accept it happens...

Maybe My DD doesn't want me sweating all over my DGSs either.

What about if they're a bit forgetful, and keep collapsing the pushchair, by pressing the buttons you told them not to hold down? And that's something any age group can do, ime.

But that's my point, and where common sense comes into it. You (general you) should not write off anyone straight away based on disabilities, health issues, or age as you can get an equally rubbish youthful person who shouldn't be left in sole care of children. But the fact is, many do use their age, or what not against them as an excuse which is unfair.

Hey usual, Mrs Devere and Diddl am about to take the hoover up three flights of stairs, spring clean the spare room and bathroom, bring it back down and do a pile of ironing - when I've finished we'll have a gin together - the four of us - just before I dish up a Sunday roast. Then I'll be walking to the shops to buy a few bits and staggering back. Will try to remember to take off my hairnet and slippers before I go out.

FFS - the only option is to ROFL - no point getting cross, children just aren't worth it. But wouldn't it be good if they were ours and on their way round hoping for a tenner as a treat

I am laughing now, Married

I'm going to shuffle off and have a nap on the sofa.

I´ve also got ironing to do-should I nap before or after?

Diddl you must wait for someone to show you how to do it so you might as well nap now

Shullbit I don't think anyone has been arguing that people should be written off solely on age, etc. Some people pointed out that the conditions we've been discussing affect some grandparents. And incidentally, ageism goes both ways. My mother has various conditions. Some she acknowledges. Some she doesn't. One of the ones she acknowledges is the osteoporosis. She's 53. She has the "bones of an eighty year old" according to scans. My mother says she has a constant problem with other people refusing to believe she can't do things because she's "only 53". Like fit and able fifty year olds, for example.

Her osteoporosis has no effect on any other fifty-year-old's ability to parent/grandparent, and nor does their health render her magically more healthy.

My mum is a pensioner and far fitter than I am which is good seeing as I trust her to look after my child while I am at work. I have looked after people in their 20's, 30's and 40's who can't even look after themselves let alone a child. I really don't consider age important when it comes to looking after kids more their own capabilities to do it safely and with a whole heap of fun.

My mum gives my DS far more sugary things than I do, he watches more TV as well but as she does all my childcare while I am work for free I don't care. She also has the time to play with him, takes him for long walks with the dog (sometimes this is with 3 GC and 2 dogs!), takes him to see Great Grandma, does a lot more art and craft stuff. Plus she is able to get him up, dressed, had breakfast and doing the first walk with the dog before 8am!! I never manage that as I am too busy catching up on the washing, cleaning, usual phone calls etc etc or just too damn tired from nightshifts on no sleep. My DS loves his Nanny and does have a really good bond with her because she is allowed to have him without me hovering nearby.

i really hope that I will be able to take care of my GC if I ever had any and would be very upset if I was considered trusted enough to look after them overnight.

not trusted enough!! that should say...still bad grammer though!

Why are people taking it so personally that some people in their fifties are deteriorating?

My mum has just turned 53 and she is much, much much healthier than I am. Always on the go! I didn't inherit her genes unfortunately.

However I did inherit her shocking eyesight..Age 20 and I'm halfway as bad as her!

However my mate's dad is three years (? Maybe four, around that) older than mum and he has a carer.

Everybody is different.

i know plenty of people i wouldnt leave my dc's with unsupervised or overnight,i also know plenty of people i would but may not at different times,several who my dc's love seeing and do so unsupervised but wouldnt overnight.
i also know several people who my dc's would stay overnight with.and several that i trust compleatly but wouldnt leave dc's with when their partners are around.
i know many people that i wouldnt want my dc's around at all,

sometimes these reasons are just because of minor things or things that i may feel are very important but other people might not.it may be because i dont like the ways they parent or did,it may just be because of things that make me go hmmm. if your a parent its your job to decide this.

why does it matter if some of these people also happen to be related to me or not?

it may just be because i do things differently to how you do them,when it comes to different lifestyles or different standerds or any such other difference we have to be compleatly accepting of that quite rightly.because after all people are perfectly ok to bring up their children how they see fit (providing abuse is not an issue) because different people have different lifestyles.

so how come we dont have to accept that some parents may not wish to leave their dc's overnight with gp's surely thats just a difference.

i had a indepth talk with dp's last night about this because i was a bit surprised about how with somethings if you dont accept them,then your judgemental and wrong but apparently when it comes to gp's all cards are off the table if you dont allow overnights your wrong but thats not being judgy or unkind.

acording to one of my parents (who is as far as im concerned the font of all knowledge) this actually is just a lifestyle/background issue just the same as the more obvious ones (that your unkind and wrong if you dont understand) some people from one type of background will tend to have different more involved relationships with extended family whilst some people from another type of background wont. neither is wrong they are just different.

i just realised dp is dear partner not dear parents i ment parents not partner i dont have one of those because he was far to annoying, expensive,loud,shouty and effectivly useless.i do have parents and i rather like those

I think it was because someone said most 50 year olds at one point and we have all started to have fun about it

Most 50 year olds that she knew.

Well I just searched the thread for "most 50 year olds" and the only post that included those words was yours, Kayano!

No-one said it was about age, except all those who decided to be deeply affronted about something which was said which didn't actually apply to them personally.

It's about capability. I don't recall anyone making assumptions based on age. We are all just sharing our own experiences here.

What does apply, to everyone, is that the parent's decision is final. The OP herself said she was going to "let things lie", wisely in my view. Any grandparent who tries to wheedle and whine or manipulate their own adult children to get what they want is guaranteed sour relationships and probably end up with the opposite result to the one they want. It's simply not their place to decide these things, and they have to live with the parent's decision without constantly raising the matter and making it a big issue. Just as OP has acknowledged.

I've no doubt that these same grandparents would have expected to do things their way when they were parents, and not have their decisions in relation to childcare questioned, undermined or disrespected by parents or other family members.

As people often say here on MN - "No is a complete sentence".

I think the quote from silky was:

most GPs I know are in their 50s or 60s and slowing down but don't realise it yet

Which is not the same at all as saying "most 50 year olds".

But who cares, when you're that thin skinned?

I'm 52 by the way, and if my daughter leaves it as late as I did I'll no doubt be pushing up daisies by the time I become a grandparent. So what? I only had one grandparent and she had MS - for the short time I knew her she wasn't capable of looking after herself let alone anyone else. She was in her fifties. I still loved her, knew I was part of her, still remember her face and her Darlington accent.

Thanks to a lot of luck I'm having my time as a parent. That's the important thing, in my view - the starring role, which all grandparents have already had and hopefully enjoyed without the need to "recreate" it with their grandchildren.

I would say however often you see your grandchildren, for however long those occasions last, be grateful for that. Some people never get to enjoy it at all. Don't whatever you do be bitter that you don't see more of them, or needy about seeing more of them.

Life's way too short.

As my dd is 14 and presently wants to be a doctor I doubt she'll be having any babies before she's 30. If I become a grandma I'm likely to be at least late 60s when it happens (DS is 17). I am hoping that I will be fit enough and young enough in mind to be of some help. I appreciate I will be an "elderly grandma" but I will do my best for them and I shall enjoy them. FWIW the dc's grandma's were younger than I will be (60ish) and I got no help at all even though they were fit and well.

You know what, I'm not going to fall to me knees in gratitude because my DD allows me to have a relationship with my grandchildren.

If that makes me overbearing, entitled, thin skinned, manipulative and all the other insults that some mnetters like to chuck about towards Grandparents on MN then so be it.

Oh and NO is not a complete sentence either.