I would like my 3 year old grand-daughter to stay with me for one night, but my daughter in law says NO, AIBU?

[redyam]

I bit of background, this is not me, but I will write as though it is, for a friend.

I sea my grand-daughter every few weeks, we live about 100 miles away from each other. We either go down to my sons house or they come up to stay for the weekend.

We all get on really well, my grand-daughter is delightful, and behaves as good as gold whenever we spend time with her or go out for trips.

I would like to take my 3 year old grand-daughter on an overnight outing nearby. We will take her out for the evening (not late) without the parents, spend the night with her, then bring her back to her parents the next day.

I think it will do her the world of good, give me some quality time with her, and give her parents a night off to do what they want. I'm sure my GD would love it.

However my daughter-in-law says NO! No reason given, to flat out refusal. I'm a little hurt really, as though I can't be trusted with my grand-daughter.

Am I being unreasonable to want to do this, or to feel hurt?

Oh x-post.

"Anyway, when you´re 50 they´ll be 7 & capable of looking after themselves"

I have said to my mum that the overnight ban is not forever, just not when he's 3 , hopefully when he's a little bit older, his independance will compensate for her limitations and they'll be fine together. We'll just have to judge that when the time comes!

Yes when you start going deaf, cannot be trusted to cross the road. Cannot hear the smoke alarm in 5 years time the 7 year old will l

Look after you

Is Country File on yet?

Nice posts, spirited and thunk.

Unfortunately there are so many people here who seem to have no imagination and assume everyone either is, or should be, just like them.

Now we have mortally offended fiftysomethings who think they have all been labelled decrepit, and are busily out crossing roads all over the country just to prove they can .

It's all got a bit silly.

It's up to the parents, they are the primary carers - it's up to them to say yes or no, whatever their reasons, or for no reason at all - everyone else has to live with that.

Moaning on about it will only damage relationships - as the OP herself acknowledged wisely, way back on Friday evening.

Exactly Raspberrysorbet, it is not wrong to judge someone too old for certain tasks at 50 because that person may well be past being able to do that task safely!

Telling me that you or your mother didn't start to age till much later doesn't make my mother or mother in law (or aunties or uncles etc) more capable or youthful, and it doesn't make us or others in our situation unreasonable or posessive or over-protective for finding alternative ways to give them and DS their GP-GC relationship

Damn right I'm fucking offended.

I won't be patronised by someone telling me that 50 year olds are incapable of looking after a 3 year old.

Right sat in a taxi, but, my age brackets where in reply to someone stating 50-60 year olds do slow down. I was saying it is more likely to be 60-70 if you are going to put an age on it.

I have Osteoarthritis which is wear and tear, which mainly affects the old. I am 24, and have 2 kids and cope fine. I just use my common sense.

Unless it is something seriously bad rendering you incapable, then no matter what your age, you are perfectly capable of at least pushing a pram.

RaspberySorbet

ssuming someone is being patronising because of the way they (from the inside of a probably very upsetting family dynamic) choose to care for their mum is wrong.

Unfortunately, that seems par for the course on MN. Particularly on this thread.

"I won't be patronised by someone telling me that 50 year olds are incapable of looking after a 3 year old."

It would be stupid to say that all 50 year olds are capable of looking after a 3 year old, some 50 year olds ARE already too affected by their age to do so, and it would be irresponsible to not make individual assessments before packing your kids off to anyone before judging if their limitations can be mitigated against

I find you patronising that you write parents like me off as patronising because we are in the unfortunate position to NOT have parents that can do as much as EVERYONE would like due to their age getting to them

SilkySmith Sun 29-Jul-12 11:59:45

most GPs I know are in their 50s or 60s and slowing down but don't realise it yet

You said most GPs you knew.

Not just yours.

so do we only do a risk assessment for GPs who are over 70 or 80? or maybe 90? if we're not allowed to consider issues a 50 or 60 year old might have?

Usual, my grandmother started a childminding job at the age of 60 (having finally left my grandfather, who had abused her horrifically physically and mentally all their married life) and continued working until she was 72. She is 90 now and still very hale and hearty.

That fact really isn't going to make it easier for my mother or MIL who both have restricted mobility in their 50's and 60's, though..

I'm saying that most GPs in their 50s are not too old.

"most GPs I know are in their 50s or 60s and slowing down but don't realise it yet

You said most GPs you knew.

Not just yours"

yes, most I know are, I never said all 50 year old, all 60 year old etc
it was in response to someone who said that most GPs they know are 40.

I'm including our aunts and uncles who are also GPs in that and whose hearing and mobility and reactions ARE reduced but they do offer to do too much quite often!

I would hazard a guess that we know more people in their 50s and beyond than you do, So Silky.

Can you not see the hypocrisy in your accusing us of making judgements based on limited experience?

MN is full of ageism, always has been.

Silky is allowed to have a different circle of friends and relations, and thus different experiences, to you, usual!

Just as another poster, who only knew grandparents in their mid-forties, had different experiences.

(those that are still alive, the oldest any men in my family have made it to so far is 70s, same for DH, so obviously they were "too old" for a lot of things in ther 60s but often in denial e.g. driving)

Assess risk, but to not even allow anyone to push the pram because they are old and slightly deaf for example is taking the p a bit considering they could have working eyes and good judgement compared to someone young who has no common sense with regards to road safety.

All people are saying is to those who do use every slight excuse they can to say no, is that that attitude is selfish. I don't think anyone is saying that you are making a mountain out of a molehill in your predicament, but more people do than don't.

"Can you not see the hypocrisy in your accusing us of making judgements based on limited experience?"

no because I am not saying that a parent who assesses a particular 50 or 60 yr old GP to be capable to mind a 3YO is wrong

but I am being told I am wrong to judge some 50 or 60 yr old GPs too old to have a 3yo over night

so no it doesn't really translate

If your kids GP are as far as you can tell capable to do so, great, If otherd asses theirs as not they are NOT ageist or unreasonable or overprotective

it depends on the pram, it depends on the level of deafness and AWARENESS of that deafness (so whether they compensate with more visual checks), it depends on the environment etc