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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To TTC even though it is going to really annoy BIL and SIL?

126 replies

curiousgeorgie · 26/07/2012 09:24

My DD is almost 22 months. Since she was about 9 months old I've been TTC, have managed to conceive a few times but all have ended in miscarriage.

I had such a plan for perfect age gaps, the month my baby would be born etc, but now I realise how stupid that all was and just so desperately want a baby.

My DH's brother and his girlfriend are currently expecting, and have a wedding booked abroad for next year where my DD is bridesmaid and my DH best man. When I conceived 7 months ago, it was a very similar due date to future SIL so we told them we were also expecting... And obviously when I miscarried had to share that as well, so they are aware we are ttc.

We're in the sort of time zone now where if I get pregnant in the next couple of months I'll either be too pregnant to fly, or have a very new newborn when we're due to go abroad for the wedding.

They've asked us to stop trying for a couple of months so that this doesn't happen, but I really don't want to. I've already had a year plus of hell and heartbreak and it could take me years more to conceive again. (if I ever do.)

AIBU to risk that we wouldn't be at the wedding?

OP posts:
SunflowersSmile · 26/07/2012 09:27

You have to do what is right for you. You don't have to tell them you are TTC.
Do you need a break from TTC? Your decision completely.

firawla · 26/07/2012 09:27

no, I think they are BU to ask. The wedding is important but obviously can't be more important to you than your own children and circumstances, so I would just carry on and if you end up not able to go then you end up not able to go, and they should understand

squeakytoy · 26/07/2012 09:28

That is a bit of a tricky one.. I was thinking at first you were not being unreasonable, but then if your DH has agreed to be best man, and you have said that your daughter can be bridesmaid, then it would muck up their wedding plans a bit if you are going to be unable to get there.. so I dont know.. sorry, I know thats not much help.

Trills · 26/07/2012 09:29

YANBU

If having a baby as soon as possible is more important to you than being at their wedding, then go for it.

They would be selfish and unreasonable to expect otherwise.

justpaddling · 26/07/2012 09:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hideschocolateinthesofa · 26/07/2012 09:32

Sorry to hear about your miscarriages, that must be very hard to deal with.

The world doesn't revolve around them, if they have booked a wedding abroad they have to expect some people won't be able to make it, yes you have agreed but your family comes first. Totally rude of them to ask you not to ttc so you can be at their wedding.

You should go ahead with your ttc plans and deal with the situation when it arises

Original poster
curiousgeorgie · 26/07/2012 09:33

I've had 21 day bloods, just waiting for results.

I feel really selfish to do this but I know that when they have the baby in a few weeks it's going to actually kill me. More so if I'm not even trying myself.

OP posts:
Sallyingforth · 26/07/2012 09:39

Of course you are not bu. They are, to think their one-off performance is more important than the possible existence of a child. Carry on TTC and good luck!

NotAnotherNewNappy · 26/07/2012 09:40

YANBU. Yes it would be annoying if you couldn't make their wedding.... But it would be heartbreaking if you never had another baby. Best of luck xx

TooManyDaisies · 26/07/2012 09:41

Oh op, that's really tough. One of my best friends has just had her first baby after many, many mc's. I've seen how painful it has been for her.

I would follow your heart. Keep ttc if that's what feels right. If you were too pregnant to fly that would be a shame but not the end of the world. Ditto if you have a new baby who's too tiny.

I can see your bil's point of view but I don't think he has any right to ask you to stop ttc for the sake of his wedding.

Dprince · 26/07/2012 09:42

Its quite a difficult one. If you were to get pg in the window that means you can't go, it would mean a loss of money and, since you dh and dd are involved, letting them down.
I don't think they should ask you, but i would stop ttc. But only because it includes goimg abroad.
I was in this situation. Dbro got engaged to my best friend and i was ask to be bridesmaid. 4 day later i found out i was pg. Ds was 6 months at the wedding.
Sils mum made loads of nasty comments and even persuaded another bridesmaid to stop ttv until after the wedding. These comments about 'people not caring about the wedding' carried on until dbro heard and pointed out i was actually already pg when they asked me.
I had said to sil that i would like to be a brides maid, but as we were ttc i thought we should wait til nearer the time. Sil completely understood.
Had it have got to the point we were ordering dresses i would have either stopped ttc or declined being a bridesmaid.
Sorry for the ramble just trying to explain what I did. I wouldn't have wanted to cancel at last minute.

LaurieFairyCake · 26/07/2012 09:42

I think you should consider giving yourself a break, nothing to do with their wedding/baby of course, just that you have had miscarriage after miscarriage and you might be better giving it a while - it sounds like you really need a break from trying at the moment. Sad

foodtech · 26/07/2012 09:43

I would keep on trying. We've been TTC for over 3 years are know how difficult it is. There is no guarantee you'll fall anyway and even if you do it's more important than someone else's wedding. If your pregnant but not near due date surely your husband and daughter could still go but just for the wedding then home? FT x

ChasedByBees · 26/07/2012 09:43

Definitely NBU. Don't risk always wondering 'would that have been the month I could have conceived?'

You have to continue and they are being unreasonable to ask you to stop TTC.

KenLeeeeeee · 26/07/2012 09:43

YANBU. My SIL had her baby a few days before my wedding and although we didn't know if she would be able to come along, it never occurred to us to be annoyed about the timing. Weddings are a big deal to the couple but the world doesn't revolve around them.

albertswearengen · 26/07/2012 09:45

Cheeky bastards. Their fancy wedding does not top trump a pregnancy especially if you have had to suffer the pain of miscarriages. They need to get over themselves. They should be thrilled for you if you can't come because a baby is due.
Good luck with TTC!

foodtech · 26/07/2012 09:46

Remember it's easy for people to say wait then they have managed to fall pregnant so easily. If I had waited for my sisters wedding we would have been 6 months later down the line which would have made a difference due to issues I have with egg quality etc... Sorry don't want to scare you. FT x

GoEasyPudding · 26/07/2012 09:47

Carry on as you were soldier! Keep on TTC!
Don't you dare feel selfish, feel proud and good that you understand what you want and need.

Willowme · 26/07/2012 09:52

How very dare they!! YANBU your future pregnancy/baby is far more Important than their wedding, especially in your circumstances, a wedding is one day I think they will just have to get over your family possibly not being there.

I'm actually in shock that they asked you to stop TTC!!!

honeytea · 26/07/2012 09:52

I'm sorry you have had mc's it must have been really hard for you, especially with your sil expecting.

YANBU regarding ttc and possibly missing the wedding, I think they ABVU to even consider asking you to stop ttc for the sake of their wedding.

I think foodtech said it, but could your DP and DD go and you stay at home if it wasn't too close to your due date?

Good luck with ttc I hope you have a sibling for your DD soon.

AKMD · 26/07/2012 09:53

YANBU, as albert said they should be thrilled for you if you do have to miss it because of a new baby :)

Just my opinion but I think newborn time is the best time ever to go on holiday anyway (obviously not 7-9 months pg though!). Tiny enough that they don't mind where they are, don't need entertaining on the flight etc. and so, so cute. If it's a famiyl wedding too then there will be lots of people to help with DC1. If I could re-run the time after we had DS I would go on holiday in the first 4 weeks after he was born.

ethelb · 26/07/2012 09:53

why is the wedding abroad?

If it is because there are family links, ok but they still shoudln't ask you to stop ttc, if it is because they want hot weather/beach etc then they are being vv unreasonable.

They would really rather a slightly simpler wedding than a new neice/nephew?

BerthaTheBogBurglar · 26/07/2012 09:56

Ok, supposing you are pregnant/just had a baby by the time of the wedding. Would dh get pressurised to go to the wedding anyway? Who would he support, you or his DB?

When we were ttc our first, SIL announced her wedding and asked me to be bridesmaid. I said no, and we told her why. My due date turned out to be just before the wedding. SIL, BIL, MIL, everyone were completely understanding that we might not get to the wedding. But not DH. I spent my entire pg trying to get him to understand that we weren't travelling to the other end of the country when I was 41 weeks pg, or just given birth, and that he wasn't going to leave me alone at that time either!

Obv this will be your second child so your dh will have more of an idea of the realities of it all than mine did, but still. This is his decision too - how does he feel about potentially missing DB's wedding?

SaraBellumHertz · 26/07/2012 10:02

They are being v unreasonable to ask such an enormous thing from you.

I second what AKMD said about traveling with a new born. I was a BM at an overseas wedding when DC2 was 4 weeks and actually it was manageable.

Best of luck

eurochick · 26/07/2012 10:03

YANBU. If a pregnancy ends up clshing with the wedding, deal with that down the line. Having a baby is too important to put on hold for a family celebration. I cannot believe they had the gall to ask you, frankly!

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