Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To TTC even though it is going to really annoy BIL and SIL?

126 replies

curiousgeorgie · 26/07/2012 09:24

My DD is almost 22 months. Since she was about 9 months old I've been TTC, have managed to conceive a few times but all have ended in miscarriage.

I had such a plan for perfect age gaps, the month my baby would be born etc, but now I realise how stupid that all was and just so desperately want a baby.

My DH's brother and his girlfriend are currently expecting, and have a wedding booked abroad for next year where my DD is bridesmaid and my DH best man. When I conceived 7 months ago, it was a very similar due date to future SIL so we told them we were also expecting... And obviously when I miscarried had to share that as well, so they are aware we are ttc.

We're in the sort of time zone now where if I get pregnant in the next couple of months I'll either be too pregnant to fly, or have a very new newborn when we're due to go abroad for the wedding.

They've asked us to stop trying for a couple of months so that this doesn't happen, but I really don't want to. I've already had a year plus of hell and heartbreak and it could take me years more to conceive again. (if I ever do.)

AIBU to risk that we wouldn't be at the wedding?

OP posts:
MysteriousHamster · 27/07/2012 09:51

They're nuts. They might love you but TTC is a personal decision and I am surprised they are not more aware of what you are going through.

Have a break if it's right for you, but they shouldn't dictate it. You will never know if those months could have been 'the one'.

lambethlil · 27/07/2012 09:55

They're very unfair.

Just smile and say OK and shag away hope for the best.

AThingInYourLife · 27/07/2012 10:06

"If they have no difficulty ttc and if SIL has had an easy pregnancy, they might just be clueless."

Is it really that hard to work out that miscarriages might be upsetting?

Answer: no, it is not

"i would assure BIL and SIL that your husband and daughter will still go to the wedding regardless if you are heavily pregnant or have a newborn."

Assure them of nothing of the kind.

Your family will have to prioritise important life events such as the arrival of a new baby, and if that should coincide with their wedding, then tough.

Engelsmeisje · 27/07/2012 10:08

I think it's very unfair of them to expect you to put their wedding ahead of ttc. Take a break if that's what YOU want, but I've been in your situation of ttc after a miscarriage and surrounded by pregnant friends and it's heartbreaking. I would have been distraught at the time if anyone had asked me to stop ttc for their own benefit, especially if that person was pg themselves and in the way they chose to do it.

Utterly unfair. If SIL has never had a mc then she cannot understand what you're going through, but you would hope that she would be able to sympathise and be sensitive to your situation.

In the grand scheme of things I really don't think that a wedding is "the most important day of your life". It's basically a big party and yes, it is great if everyone you love can be there, but if they can't it's really not the end of the world. (my Dsis couldn't come to my wedding which was held at quite short notice while she was in Oz. I didn't expect her to fly back for what was essentially a dinner party!).

Yeahthatsnotgonnahappen · 27/07/2012 10:14

Oh. my. word.

Gosh that is just breathtakingly rude - I can't imagine ever being so self self-absorbed as to ask someone to hold off TTC so that it would fit in with an arbitrarily chosen date. if you were my family I'd be nothing but chuffed for you if you were due around the wedding. Especially if I knew about what had happened before. I wouldn't give two hoots if noone else could go because they were ehlping you. A wedding is one day, a child is a whole new person to welcome into the world.

Just so incredibly rude.

DontEatTheVolesKids · 27/07/2012 10:32

I feel YAB a little Unreasonable. But then there's never anything rational about wanting a baby, anyway.

It would seem better to me if you would at least warn-tell them that you are TTC anyway, so may be unable to fit you or your family in with their plans. Make it very politely clear. Of course you can't put your life on hold for their plans.

I've said this before (been flamed for it before, too)... my mother had several miscarriages which she literally laughed off. I never knew m/c was a big deal until I read about other people's experiences online.

TheHappyHissy · 27/07/2012 11:02

OP, do what YOU want to do, WHEN you want to do it. This is YOUR life, your family and your choice.

I can't even fathom how anyone could do what they did, to ask you to stop TTC for their wedding is just utterly beyond belief.

Lambzig · 27/07/2012 11:51

AThingInYourLife - my 'might just be clueless' comment came from personal experience. Some people just are.

My sister's DS2's christening was the day after I had miscarried at 9 weeks after fourth IVF was finally positive. My (normally lovely) sister fell out with me for a while for not attending and my father told me I was selfish for not going. Sometimes people just dont get it if they haven't had that experience.

AThingInYourLife · 27/07/2012 12:10

Lambzig - you can call that cluelessness, I call it dickishness

RumpleStiltzkin · 27/07/2012 14:24

Sorry to hear about your loses OP.

The issue of brides/couples asking their bridesmaids/guests not to ttc comes up every so often and I'm flabberghasted every time. In your circumstances it is particularly insensitive and self absorbed of them to make this astonishingly rude request.

How is one couple's wedding more important than another couple's family plans?

The equivalent would be for you to ask them to delay their wedding because you are TTC at the moment. Try it and see how that goes down!

Seriously though, politely explain that it would not be right for you to stop ttc right now, offer to withdraw from the wedding roles, and leave it at that.

Emo76 · 27/07/2012 14:25

YANBU OP. I cannot believe they have asked that - how selfish

TheBigJessie · 27/07/2012 17:20

That's hideously rude. You can't tell other couples to organise trying for a baby around your own wedding. Especially when, ironically enough, the engaged couple have chosen to organise the wedding around their fertility!

OP, do what is best for you.

Liketochat1 · 27/07/2012 17:22

I haven't read all the thread but in response to your op, I'm gobsmacked! That is soooooo selfish. I wouldn't change your plans at all. Good luck with ttc.

Original poster
curiousgeorgie · 27/07/2012 23:07

Thanks everyone for all your advice...

I think I'm going to just carry on, but with less seriousness. Been doing no alcohol, no caffeine, no anything nice and lots of worry.

I'll just relax about it all for a couple of months (or as long as I can) but not stop trying iyswim.

I'd be totally happy for DH to go so long as I wasn't a real danger of missing any possible birth.

PIL think it must be very stressful and maybe just 'enjoying the next year and the wedding' would make everybody happy.

I want to just do what I want... But my DH said he couldn't bear for our Abby news to be bad news.

OP posts:
Original poster
curiousgeorgie · 27/07/2012 23:08

Baby! Not Abby!

OP posts:
LeandarBear · 27/07/2012 23:13

They AB very, very, very U

LilQueenie · 27/07/2012 23:31

PIL think it must be very stressful and maybe just 'enjoying the next year and the wedding' would make everybody happy.

screw everybody else! Would that make YOU happy?

musicmadness · 28/07/2012 00:55

What does your DH want to do? If he and his brother are close then he would probably be gutted to miss the wedding. I'd talk to him and point out that if you conceive in this time window then he can't go. It's his choice too.

I'm quite shocked they asked TBH but it sounds like your SIL just blurted it out without thinking. She shouldn't have asked but I think it is something you and your DH have to decide and agree on. If you decide to carry on TTC then good luck and don't you dare feel guilty about it! If you have a break try and relax for a few months so hopefully you feel better for the next attempt.

MysteriousHamster · 31/07/2012 22:09

OP, just caught up with this but wanted to say that your baby would not be bad news, and really it's awful that they've made you or your DH feel like that.

CrapBag · 31/07/2012 22:22

How incredibly rude of them to ask you to stop ttc for their wedding. Shock Carry on and ignore them.

Dancergirl · 31/07/2012 22:33

This is why I would never ever tell anyone we were TTC, even close family.

OP, they are BVVVVU! Do what's right for YOU.

TheQueenOfDiamonds · 31/07/2012 22:37

No, you're not being unreasonable, they are!
Even if you got pregnant during the window of time that would put you at a gestation suitable for flying, There are no guarentees. You could find out you have a medical condition or go into premature labour - Would they expect you to not have either of those things incase it inconvenienced them?

SpottedGurnard · 31/07/2012 22:44

Hell no.

Keep trying. What's the worst that can happen? You won't go to the wedding because you'll have a gorgeous snuggly baby. And no matter what they say yiu won't give a damn because you'll have your little family.

I am sending you lots of positive vibes!

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/07/2012 22:49

Keep trying. Don't tell them.

In 20 years when your new DC goes to university, no one will care.

quoteunquote · 31/07/2012 22:56

OP, that is an unbelievable selfish lacking in empathy self centred ask, ignore them and live your life however suits you,

I suggest you buy
some of these

this for by your front door

this for the mantelpieces

put a full size picture of this in each room

and carry this where ever you go flicking it everywhere