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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To TTC even though it is going to really annoy BIL and SIL?

126 replies

curiousgeorgie · 26/07/2012 09:24

My DD is almost 22 months. Since she was about 9 months old I've been TTC, have managed to conceive a few times but all have ended in miscarriage.

I had such a plan for perfect age gaps, the month my baby would be born etc, but now I realise how stupid that all was and just so desperately want a baby.

My DH's brother and his girlfriend are currently expecting, and have a wedding booked abroad for next year where my DD is bridesmaid and my DH best man. When I conceived 7 months ago, it was a very similar due date to future SIL so we told them we were also expecting... And obviously when I miscarried had to share that as well, so they are aware we are ttc.

We're in the sort of time zone now where if I get pregnant in the next couple of months I'll either be too pregnant to fly, or have a very new newborn when we're due to go abroad for the wedding.

They've asked us to stop trying for a couple of months so that this doesn't happen, but I really don't want to. I've already had a year plus of hell and heartbreak and it could take me years more to conceive again. (if I ever do.)

AIBU to risk that we wouldn't be at the wedding?

OP posts:
Original poster
curiousgeorgie · 26/07/2012 10:06

Sorry, DD was eating a puzzle!

Wedding is abroad because of her family. It makes them sound awful but they are usually very lovely and we really get on.

If I was pregnant but unable to fly I would be perfectly happy for DH to take DD... (nice rest!!) but if it was within about 3 weeks of my due date I think I'd be less happy for hm to go.

I'd be more than happy to take a newborn, I just assumed you couldn't fly for a certain time after?

I had to have a c section with DD so may have to if I have another and was considering that possibility.

DH says its up to me. He's happy to support me if we have to tell them we can't go, but sadly is of the mind that it's very unlikely to just happen in the next couple of month anyway :(

OP posts:
diddl · 26/07/2012 10:07

Do you have anyone nearby to help so that if you a had a newborn your husband & daughter could still go?

WhereYouLeftIt · 26/07/2012 10:14

"They've asked us to stop trying for a couple of months"
They actually asked? ShockShockShockShockShock

Sorry but that is very bridezilla/groomzilla. Their wedding may be the most important thing in the world to them, but not to the rest of the world. You already know how chaotic conception is, it cannot be scheduled, but that is effectively what they are asking you to do. It is very unfair of them.

In your shoes I would continue TTC. If you don't conceive, it doesn't impact their plans. If you do, then you will have months to draw up your plans.

Good luck and best wishes!

3duracellbunnies · 26/07/2012 10:17

I guess as a comprimise you could leave it one month, or at least not actively try to concieve (then lady luck will probably strike anyway!), so that your dh wouldn't need to be away for the 2 weeks either side of the edd, or thereabouts. And then see if you could maybe stay with your parents / sister/ friend during the wedding, before or after the baby is due.

I can see that they want your dh there, but you can't put your life on hold for months just so you can be there. Hoping that your next pg is a sticky one!

Original poster
curiousgeorgie · 26/07/2012 10:20

Yes, my parents, brothers and wives / girlfriends and amazing best friend are all within ten minutes...

They didn't only ask... They invited us to dinner and asked in front of DH's parents! (never been more mortified in my life!)

DH's parents didn't know all the details of everything that's been going on but they certainly do now!

OP posts:
diddl · 26/07/2012 10:26

"They invited us to dinner and asked in front of DH's parents! (never been more mortified in my life!)"

Well-for that then I wouldn´t stop for them!

I mean I could almost see their point if they had suggested it to you privately.

hairytale · 26/07/2012 10:27

They are being OUTRAGEOUS!!! Angry

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 26/07/2012 10:28

I think they are rude to have asked you to stop TTC, but they probably just really want you to be at their wedding, and there's nothing wrong with that. It doesn't make them bad people.

In your position I would assume that your dh wants to be at his brothers wedding so stop TTC for that reason. Do you think you would feel differently if it was a close member of your family, or do you just want a baby so much that those feelings come before everything?

In your position, I would probably stop TTC for a while, because I know how much I would want to be there for my brothers wedding, but I realise how overwhelming the desire to become pregnant can be, so only you and your dh can decide this really.

DesperateHousewife21 · 26/07/2012 10:29

I wouldn't stop TTC and can't believe they actually asked you!

If it does happen in the next couple of months and it then means you can't fly could your dh and dd go on their own so they're still part of the wedding?

maswera · 26/07/2012 10:33

They asked you to stop TTC for a few months to suit them??

And did so in front of DH's parents, who were unaware of your situation??

Shock Shock Shock Shock Shock Shock

Fuck me! I just don't have the words!

Dprince · 26/07/2012 10:36

Asking you infront of everyone is very unreasonable.
Ignore me completely if you wish as I know ttc is very emotive, but could you take a break for 1-2 months, so your due date is not around the wedding then there would be no issue.
If you are happy to go with a newborn, you can fly after they are 14 days old (i think, you may want to check that).
So there would only be a 5 week period that either dh and dd could not go on their own or you wouldn't be able to take the baby.
I know they are being idiots, but just a suggestion.

diddl · 26/07/2012 10:36

Thing is even if you don´t get pregnant during that time, you might not want to fly if you are at all pregnant.

You have no idea how you might feel.

MrsKeithRichards · 26/07/2012 10:38

I was in an identical position and just stopped for a few months. It took me two years to fall pregnant, I don't think ?a few months of caused any problems and we enjoyed the trip and wedding.

It's shit but I'm of the thinking that things happen as and when they do for a reason and you still need to live. I fell pregnant 6 week after we got home.

cocolepew · 26/07/2012 10:38

I think you should tell them DH and DD cant do thrir 'roles' at the wedfing now, you need to give them time to find replacements. If you are able you can just go as guests.

Ghoulwithadragontattoo · 26/07/2012 10:39

They are being ridiculous. If you'd decided you wanted a couple of months off TTC so you'd be able to go to the wedding I'd have thought fair enough. But for them to ask you to stop is beyond out of order. It really isn't any of their business.

Obviously if you do get pg it would be nice if your DH could still go to the wedding but you can look into the possibilities of that once you know you're pregnant. Good luck with TTC!

MrsKeithRichards · 26/07/2012 10:41

But them expecting you to stop is crazy, no one knew we were trying. We wanted to go so planned accordingly. I suppose it's up to how much you want to go.

Ghoulwithadragontattoo · 26/07/2012 10:41

MrsKR - Did you stop because you wanted to though? That's obviously fine but here it's the bride and groom pushing the issue.

Ghoulwithadragontattoo · 26/07/2012 10:42

Sorry X-posts

MrsKeithRichards · 26/07/2012 10:45

Did they tell you about the wedding, ask your dh and dd to have roles and ask you to stop trying all at the same time?

Or did you know about the wedding before. If so what had you thought?

LurkingAndLearningLovesCats · 26/07/2012 10:49

I agree with Jumping that your DH probably wants to be at his brother's wedding.

However they a BVVVVVUUUUU and just...WOW to ask you to stop and in front of other people?! That's just cruel.

I am so sorry for your losses. :(

MrsKeithRichards · 26/07/2012 10:49

I also missed my brothers wedding as I was pregnant and couldn't fly. Unplanne first baby. I was so sad I missed his big day and it was nerveracking for family who felt torn between two big events. All worked out ok as baby was born day after they all got home.

I always feel I overshadowed their big day.

ChaoticismyLife · 26/07/2012 10:50

They didn't only ask... They invited us to dinner and asked in front of DH's parents! (never been more mortified in my life!)

The manipulative pair of twats Shock They are bang out of order.

Their wedding is one day and is not more important than the potential life that you could create.

If you do put it off then it'll always be at the back of your mind that that could have been the time you conceived and carried to term.

QuenelleOJersey2012 · 26/07/2012 10:51

I would have said have a couple of months off trying, if it weren't for the fact that your baby would have been due when theirs arrives in a few weeks.

I had two friends whose babies were born earlier this year at the same time mine would have been due and I found it extremely hard. I can see why you want to be at least TTC at this time.

Your BIL and SIL might know that you had a miscarriage, but they won't know how hard it is going to be for you when their baby is born. My DH didn't even know the real extent of how I felt. I don't know what I'm suggesting really, can you explain to your SIL how you feel?

honeytea · 26/07/2012 10:51

If they had asked me to stop ttc infrount of the pil I would have told them to fuck of none of us would be at their wedding even if I wasn't pregnant. That is so unreasonable! Some people just have no idea!

DontmindifIdo · 26/07/2012 10:52

I can't believe they a) asked you this and b) did it in front of your PILs!!!!

Really, I'd send them a message saying that you were shocked at the time they asked, but you think it's very rude that they would tell you to arrange your family plans around their wedding, which while is the most important day of their lives, is not very important to anyone else - even though you do wish them well and want to attend their wedding. this is particularly rude given they know your fertility issues. It is never acceptable to tell another married couple when they can and can not have sex.

Say that it is unlikely you will be unable to travel, but if you are, you will have at least half a year to plan for this.

really, the cheek of some people - you have my sympathies, there's a full blown bridezilla here - please please please pop back and update her on the rest of her wedding craziness, mark my words, if she thinks it's acceptable to dictate another couple's sex life just because one of them is the best man, she's bound to have a melt down over favours or seating plans.