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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To TTC even though it is going to really annoy BIL and SIL?

126 replies

curiousgeorgie · 26/07/2012 09:24

My DD is almost 22 months. Since she was about 9 months old I've been TTC, have managed to conceive a few times but all have ended in miscarriage.

I had such a plan for perfect age gaps, the month my baby would be born etc, but now I realise how stupid that all was and just so desperately want a baby.

My DH's brother and his girlfriend are currently expecting, and have a wedding booked abroad for next year where my DD is bridesmaid and my DH best man. When I conceived 7 months ago, it was a very similar due date to future SIL so we told them we were also expecting... And obviously when I miscarried had to share that as well, so they are aware we are ttc.

We're in the sort of time zone now where if I get pregnant in the next couple of months I'll either be too pregnant to fly, or have a very new newborn when we're due to go abroad for the wedding.

They've asked us to stop trying for a couple of months so that this doesn't happen, but I really don't want to. I've already had a year plus of hell and heartbreak and it could take me years more to conceive again. (if I ever do.)

AIBU to risk that we wouldn't be at the wedding?

OP posts:

FartyMcTarty · 26/07/2012 22:17

Don't stop. Perhaps tell yourself you're not particularly trying. Go with it, then whatever happens, happens!

FartyMcTarty · 26/07/2012 22:18

By the way, they ABU, but perhaps TTC hasn't been an issue for them so they wouldn't get it.

Noqontrol · 26/07/2012 22:19

You need to do whats right for you.

carabos · 26/07/2012 22:26

I've read some pretty eye-watering wedding - related / bridezilla stuff on MN but asking someone to take a break from TTC so that a possible pregnancy doesn't impact on their big day is the all time runaway out of sight winner.

I have literally heard it all now.

Matildaandthematches · 26/07/2012 23:07

YANBU I think it sounds like not TTC for a while will be really difficult for you and they ought to understand that. I had multiple miscarriages before my first child so tried again quite quickly and this time was lucky that all seems to be going well. Typically my due date is my best and oldest friend's wedding day (booked yonks ago and a very small, private do i will leave a gaping hole at if in labour) but she understands completely, having been through MCs herself and would never have asked me to stop TTCing for her wedding. If you think you could explain to them how you feel they should understand too.

If not though, I say just keep going for it in private. If you do get up the duff 'accidentally' they'll hardly be able to say anything rude about it! And if you don't get pregnant in the next couple of months, hopefully being able to go to the wedding and look forward to it will feel like a little bonus that might cheer you up a little at a tough time. Continuing to try when there's an event looming that you'd miss out on if pregnant might make the whole process a bit less stressful for a couple of months?

TroublesomeEx · 27/07/2012 00:03

I actually think that was hugely rude and insensitive of them to ask that!

And on that basis alone, I think you should do exactly what is right for you, given that they are clearly doing exactly what they feel is right for them.

Morloth · 27/07/2012 00:25

'They've asked us to stop trying for a couple of months so that this doesn't happen'

Wait, WHAT?!

What the actual fuck. Who does that?

Do what suits you, why would they think their convenience should have any bearing on your body?

FirstVix · 27/07/2012 01:52

No, I can kind of understand.
SIL sounds lovely so I don't think she's being heartless. It seems like both you and she conceived fairly easily 'first time' round. It may be that when you say you're TTC she is thinking 'has stopped taking precautions and lets see if it happens' so can wait a bit.
They want you all to be there and this probably doesn't seem like a big ask from their POV.
I don't know your age, but if you're young(ish) they may not realise how important this is to you that it happens now.
I would definitely talk to them to explain how you feel (if it becomes necessary) and otherwise ignore - maybe mention to them later (after the wedding) how it made you feel (and why).
Sorry for what you're going through and good luck!

FrankelSaysRelax · 27/07/2012 06:51

They are being very unreasonable, but sadly I've heard of similar situations before. One friend, and all the bridesmaids, was given a lecture by her future SIL that none of them should TTC I the run up to the wedding because she (the bride) didn't want to be upstaged by pregnant bridesmaids . My friend was not planning to TTC at that time but again at the fact her future-SIL had the nerve to say such a thing!

50shadesofslapntickle · 27/07/2012 06:58

How bloody rude of them to demand this of you! Do what is best for you. I can't believe they were so rude! I would be livid!

exoticfruits · 27/07/2012 06:59

I would relax - carry on and don't worry if you can't make it - I'm sure they can manage without you - after all people get ill on the day and have to miss.

AThingInYourLife · 27/07/2012 07:15

You would be crazy to stop TTC at the request of these selfish fuckers.

I think I'd rule my family out of their festival of ugliness now so they can get in and plan things without being troubled by the possibility that our happiness might somehow inconvenience them.

To ask someone to use contraception for your convenience is a fuckng cheek, to do it to someone you know has had multiple miscarriages is cruel, and to invite an audience is beyond belief.

I'm not sure I could bring myself to speak to either of them again.

What horrible, horrible people.

maddening · 27/07/2012 07:18

I wouldn't stop - they are bvvvvvvvvvvvvvu!

also - they are thinking of just the due date - what if you were pg at all- would you go then?

what did your pil say when bil asked?

shinyblackgrape · 27/07/2012 07:29

They ABVU and I say that as someone who got married last year so can kind of see both sides.

I think a white lie is in order - just say you have taken medical advice and it isnt possible to wait. Hopefully SIL to be wont requisition your medical records

bragmatic · 27/07/2012 07:39

I'd be trying for twins,just to spite them.

They abu.

holyfishnets · 27/07/2012 08:15

I think they shouldn't have asked you to do that. Personally I wouldn't discuss it with them and just change the subject if asked.

We TTC for a long time and had a few M/C's too. I was generally just below the acceptable level for the 21 day test. We now have a family of three boys with the help of a low does of clomid. So simple really after all the pain failing to conceive. I found the clomid fertility forum on babycentre really helpful.

I really don't think you can live your life around peoples dates. I know just how heart breaking each period/cycle was and the only thing that kept me going was having a fresh start each month and having hope that this could be the lucky month.

holyfishnets · 27/07/2012 08:17

If push came to shove your DH could fly out for a half a week with DD. Maybe a good friend or your parents or sister could support you during that half week?

DontmindifIdo · 27/07/2012 08:18

Actually, I think it's a bad idea to lie and say it was an 'accident' if you do get pregnant, that gives the impression they in anyway had a right to dictate the sex lives of another couple - they have been spectaularly rude to say this - particularly to do it in front of your PILs. If they really felt the need to say something perhaps your BIL could have had a quiet word with your DH, but to do this in such a public way makes it clear that they think that their wedding is so important they should be able to control the lives of the attendees for the best part of a year before hand.

As I said up thread, an e-mail now saying you thought it was rude and don't want it mentioned again, or just ignore, and if you get pregnant say "well of course we didn't stop TTC just because you asked us too - I assumed you were just having a bridezilla moment."

Gooseysgirl · 27/07/2012 08:22

The worst part about this is the way you were asked!!!! I got married in April 2011 and due to my age we started TTC immediately in the full knowledge that I was going to bridesmaid twice (for my sister and cousin) the following year, and DH had two weddings of close friends coming up also. There was no way we were putting our plans on hold... in the same way that one of my own BMs was 4 months pregnant - I knew there was a chance and chose my BM dresses accordingly. Anyway as luck would have it we got pregnant and I wouldn't swap my DD for any wedding... So that's what it comes down to, would you rather be holding your new baby or be at DBro's wedding. I would continue TTC and wish you a BFP very soon

Northernlurker · 27/07/2012 08:24

They asked you to stop trying

Well it's none of their business! Make the decision for you, not for them. It may be hat a little break from the stress would be good for you but if that's not the case then keep trying and I hope you will have a successful pregnancy very soon.

EugenesAxe · 27/07/2012 08:32

I think they are being unreasonable to be honest & agree with holyfishnets... although that idea is rather dependent on you having had it I suppose, so still hard to plan.

lakeofshiningwaters · 27/07/2012 08:38

Your poor thing, what a position you have been put in.

However, I didn't jump straight to the 'omg what bastards, don't ever talk to them again, what a bridezilla' conclusion, and it seems from your posts that you are not a person who would be happy doing that anyway.

I think FirstVix has made a good point - from the lovely way you talk about your closeness, it sounds like your B & Sil really really want you at their wedding because you are all so important to them.

Could you bear to talk to them about it face-to-face? Explain how much you want to be at their wedding, but that there is no question of stopping ttc and you are hurt that they could even ask. Maybe you could work out a final date to confirm yes or no, and have a back-up plan for how you can be involved if you can't be there (skyping on the day or something?)

Hope you work it out so you're not stressing out about it and good luck with everything.

AThingInYourLife · 27/07/2012 08:55

"it sounds like your B & Sil really really want you at their wedding because you are all so important to them."

Not so important that they give even the tiniest of shites about your happiness, the pain you have gone through, your hopes for the future.

Just important enough to think they get a say in the most private and intimate decisions you make as a couple.

Lambzig · 27/07/2012 09:16

It is encredibly insensitive and very very cheeky, particularly when they know that you will be finding the birth of their baby a little difficult as yours would have been at the same time. If your SIL is normally lovely, I think they have just got a bit wrapped up in themselves, their big plans and the 'importance' of their wedding and possibly assume you are 'over' the miscarriage. If they have no difficulty ttc and if SIL has had an easy pregnancy, they might just be clueless.

Asking in front of others is another thing. Only last year I went ballistic at my father for telling my half brother and his wife (who I dont have any issues with, just never lived with and not at all close) about how my DD was conceived after lots of failed IVF. I saw DB for the first time in over 10 years and he knew about the clinic and all my attempts. That stuff is just private.

I am glad you are getting investigated and your bloods checked. I would say if you don't want to stop and medically you haven't been told to take a break, then do what is most important to you and focus on getting good advice on what you need to do to get the best outcome.

And BTW nowhere has OP suggested that she has "put her entire life on hold" while ttc, sounds to me like she is getting on with being a mother, wife and good family/friend member. Just because ttc matters more than someone else's wedding. Just one of those stupid assumptions that people love to make about people (women) having fertilitiy issues.

McHappyPants2012 · 27/07/2012 09:24

i would assure BIL and SIL that your husband and daughter will still go to the wedding regardless if you are heavily pregnant or have a newborn. I see no reason why DH and DD can't go together.

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