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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To TTC even though it is going to really annoy BIL and SIL?

126 replies

curiousgeorgie · 26/07/2012 09:24

My DD is almost 22 months. Since she was about 9 months old I've been TTC, have managed to conceive a few times but all have ended in miscarriage.

I had such a plan for perfect age gaps, the month my baby would be born etc, but now I realise how stupid that all was and just so desperately want a baby.

My DH's brother and his girlfriend are currently expecting, and have a wedding booked abroad for next year where my DD is bridesmaid and my DH best man. When I conceived 7 months ago, it was a very similar due date to future SIL so we told them we were also expecting... And obviously when I miscarried had to share that as well, so they are aware we are ttc.

We're in the sort of time zone now where if I get pregnant in the next couple of months I'll either be too pregnant to fly, or have a very new newborn when we're due to go abroad for the wedding.

They've asked us to stop trying for a couple of months so that this doesn't happen, but I really don't want to. I've already had a year plus of hell and heartbreak and it could take me years more to conceive again. (if I ever do.)

AIBU to risk that we wouldn't be at the wedding?

OP posts:
eslteacher · 26/07/2012 10:53

YANBU. When people get married overseas, even if it is because half the couple originates from the other country, they have to accept that means some people, even close friends and family, might not be able to make the trip. Whether it's for financial, medical or whatever reasons. I understand why they would WANT you to stop TTC and privately talk about this between themselves, but to actually ask you is outrageous.

redwhiteandblueeyedsusan · 26/07/2012 10:56

after my, thankfully only one, miscarriage, I was so desperate to get pregnant again as soon as possible that it hurt. you have to do what is right for you.

you could stop trying, just don't use contraception.. Wink

Maryz · 26/07/2012 10:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MainlyMaynie · 26/07/2012 10:58

They might be nice people, but they clearly have a limited grasp of what thoughts need to be kept inside your head. It's ok to think 'I hope they're able to make the wedding.' It's not ok for them to say anything about it. In fact, it's bloody outrageous.

Original poster
curiousgeorgie · 26/07/2012 11:00

They originally got engaged and started planning a wedding when I was a few months pg with DD.. So we agreed to best man, few months old DD would be a 'sort of bridesmaid' and were all really excited, but finances etc made them hold off, then she discovered she was pregnant when they started planning again so put it off a bit longer. Obviously the situation is really different now.

My future SIL was brilliant when I miscarried. I was 11 weeks and she was 9 and I really, really didn't want to tell them as I thought it would add more worry to them etc, but DH rang them to say we couldn't come to dinner as I was in hospital and my SIL came there that afternoon and just hugged me and let me cry and I think that at the time it felt like she understood more than anyone.

Which is why this is so hard. But you're right, DH and I were very 'by the time the baby is here we'll be expecting ours and it will be so much less upsetting. But we're not. And I just think the idea that there wouldn't even be a chance of it is going to kill me.

Not to drip feed but we did get married abroad... And they did come. But no babies / pregnancies to complicate things. Is it relevant?

OP posts:
OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 26/07/2012 11:07

I think it is relevant that they went abroad for your wedding.

They made the effort for your wedding, which was presumably important to you, and they just want you to be there for their wedding. That means they love you and want to share a very special ocassion with you, not that they are trying to scupper your chances of pregnancy so that they get what they want.

It would probably actually be good for you to not put your entire life on hold until you have a successful pregnancy. It's putting a lot of pressure on both of you if everything else in your life has to wait.

WhereYouLeftIt · 26/07/2012 11:09

"They didn't only ask... They invited us to dinner and asked in front of DH's parents! (never been more mortified in my life!)"
Shock
I would say "words fail me" but "Fuck off!" came to the rescue. So they attempted to blackmail railroad you by having witnesses there? That alone means I'd do as I pleased. That was unfair, unkind, and downright cruel. And VERY premeditated. Nasty, nasty, nasty.

Maryz · 26/07/2012 11:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bumpybecky · 26/07/2012 11:16

I was on the fence until I read the dinner party request ShockShock

I think I'd try extra hard just to spite them! (not that you can try extra hard, bit ykwim!)

DontmindifIdo · 26/07/2012 11:20

It's not relevant that they came to your wedding aboard - I assume they could afford it and had no reason not to go. Let me put it this way, if BIL couldn't get the time off work, would he have missed your wedding or would he have resigned in order to be there for "your big day"? Would you have asked him that? Because you konw, there are other jobs, your sure if he gave up that job opportunity that another one would come along...

If you stop trying now, you will look back at this time and think "what if that was our month?" if you continue to struggle to get pregnant and get to full term. I can only see that causing resentment with them.

I do think as I said upthread, send them an e-mail saying that you are hurt and think it's rude to have even asked, this should hopefully mean that they don't dare raise it again.

DontmindifIdo · 26/07/2012 11:22

But please, please keep us updated on her bridezillaness! All the signs are there, she's going to be a nightmare!

(oh and to answer your earlier quesiton re flying with a newborn, when we got DS's first passport it took 6 weeks)

QuenelleOJersey2012 · 26/07/2012 11:28

It is irrelevant. Weddings and trips abroad and best men and bridesmaids just aren't important at some times in some people's lives.

Your SIL was lovely at the time of your first miscarriage but she doesn't understand how you feel now. I understand that you know how much it's going to hurt when their baby is born and you want to try to make yourself feel better.

Can't you talk to her?

AKMD · 26/07/2012 11:32

TBH from all that you've written I think they sound like really nice people who have just got a bit carried away and lost perspective. Asking you at the PILs sounds like something that was just blurted out and chances are they are kicking themselves over being so thoughtless, about location if not the request. It sounds like you are quite close to your future SIL so would you feel able to have an honest chat with her about how you're feeling now the due date is coming up, how you are excited for thier wedding and would love to be there but delaying TTC isn't going to happen. If you do delay it and continue to have problems you will always be thinking 'what if?' and you would hate to feel resentful towards them etc. It might help for you to get it straight with her and for her to realise just what it is she's asking.

AKMD · 26/07/2012 11:33

WRT flying with a newborn, quite a lot of airlines have restrictions on taking babies under 14 days old but it would probably take that long to have the baby, get their birth registered, have photos countersigned and do a one-week fast-track application for a first passport anyway.

Coconutty · 26/07/2012 11:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

goingtoofast · 26/07/2012 11:42

You not being at the wedding is going to effect one day of their life, waiting a couple more months to ttc can feel like heartbreak every day.

TTC, put yourself first.

eslteacher · 26/07/2012 12:00

Assuming you were due around the time of the wedding, would your DH go anyway and leave you alone? Or not?

hettiebull · 26/07/2012 14:22

I am sorry for what you've been through and quite shocked they would ask you to stop trying in view of all this. What a rotten pair. I would do as you please and take no notice. I wish you a healthy pregnancy, whenever it may come.

RightBuggerforit · 26/07/2012 15:04

What a pair of absolute bastards! They wVERYu to ask you, and you'd be mad to put their wedding in front of your potential, very much wanted and long awaited child. Good luck ttc.

WithACherryOnTop · 26/07/2012 15:32

They asked you to stop TTC? WTAF? People actually do that? They actually think that's a reasonable request?Shock

PeshwariNaan · 26/07/2012 16:15

Gosh, in my opinion it's shocking that they would ask you to stop TTC for their wedding!!! Surely your losses and having a child matter more? YANBU.

Jenny70 · 26/07/2012 16:20

As someone who struggled to conceive I personally would continue to TTC. If you do fall pregnant and you can't attend the wedding cross that bridge later - if you've had the baby, DH and DD might be able to go and leave you in peace and quiet for a week. If you are heavily pregnant, maybe he can pop off to the wedding for only a few days, and you recruit family help with your DD (harder to expect youngster to pop overseas and not be tired, out of whack etc).

If it works that you can go, then fantantic, no guilt "what ifs" to contend with. I know I had this with my brother's overseas wedding, but we were still TTC when he married a year later :( I personally would have felt like we "missed a chance" if we stopped for that window.... irrational as it is.

If BIL and SIL are rude enough to harass you, if you did fall pregnant with due date near wedding, you can always say you weren't TTC but obviously this baby was determined to be born anyway... they aren't going to ask for the ins and outs (literally) on how this happened.

Good luck

Stokes · 26/07/2012 21:32

They are completely out of line. I got married abroad and the reality is that in that situation not everyone will be able to go and you don't know who's going to be there until they're all off the plane - my cousin had to cancel the night before we flew due to pregnancy-related health issues. It sucked, but what can you do.

Baby trumps wedding and it will always be thus.

2rebecca · 26/07/2012 21:49

I have never discussed my sex and contraceptive habits with relatives and have no intention of starting. If anyone said anything like that I'd be "seriously, we need your permission to fuck?" that would shut her up.
The whole "we are TTC" is a bit precious. If you want to fuck without contraception go ahead, you don't need to broadcast the fact. Most people aren't that interested in other people's sex lives.

OhCobblers · 26/07/2012 22:02

They've asked us to stop trying for a couple of months so that this doesn't happen, but I really don't want to. I've already had a year plus of hell and heartbreak and it could take me years more to conceive again

I think this is utterly appalling - they have asked you to stop TTC???!!!

Very sorry for your losses. Sad
They are outrageous - you are NBU.