AIBU. Want to go on holiday with mate for one week

[Zealey]

OK. I'd like a female perspective on this: I've got a DD who's two. My male best friend who I've known for decades wants to go on a once in a lifetime road trip from Vegas to San Fran. We are both keen poker players and have always talked about it. Of course I am equally happy for her to go on a 'once-in-a-life-time' trip with her female best friend. We have a good relationship and there is total trust. But she is having none of it and is mighty pissed that I even suggest such a thing. AIBU

Can your family afford it - will you still be able to have a family holiday this year?

Sorry, also meant to say the trip isn't until April next year, and the money isn't an aggravating factor.

But why is she having none of it?

It does sound an amazing trip, but unless we know why she doesn't want you to go and if these reasons are not valid, it can't be said if yabu or not.

YANBU as long as you can afford it, and can afford for her to do the same if she wants to, and can afford a family holiday all together.

As long as you are prepared to have time off work to have your child when she wants to go away on her own and as a family, and can pay for it all without having to sacrifice anything that is important for your family, then I'd say it's fine for you to go.

Go and have fun. Make it the best holiday of your life because sure as hell you'll come back to changed locks and a divorce. What happens in Vegas, well you might as well stay in Vegas for all she'll be concerned afterwards.

Is there really money and time for both of you to take a trip like this?

What are her objections?

How much childcare/housework do you do?

How much money do you generally spend on yourself?

I would try to facilitate DH doing his equivalent of this, but TBH it would be hard to arrange.

Money isn't an aggravating factor to you ? Or her ?

And you'd still have holiday leave to cover caring for your child while she heads off for a week AND a family holiday ?

And she has lots of back up and support if she needs help/becomes ill/has an accident whilst you are thousands of miles away ?

And you don't have any sort of history/issues around gambling ?

What are her reasons?

She probably fancies it herself and if she can't go then she doesn't want you to go. Can you arrange a nice holiday for the 3 of you as well? Or suggest she goes away sometime with a friend on a nice holiday.

Could she be thinking about having another child and not wanting to be left whilst pregnant to cope with DD?

Quick heads up OP, as a male you will be a bastard for even suggesting that, and if you were instead trying to stop your partner going on a holiday with her friend, it would make you an even bigger bastard.

I wouldn't be keen. I don't think dh would want to spend a week of his 5 weeks off away from us. In fact I know he wouldn't.

A weekend I would encourage (obviously I realise you can't do Vegas in a weekend).

Mrmiyagi is a tool.
What are her objections? Clearly she has some.
I think its ok to go away with friends as long as money is ok and the couple are ok with it.
However she must have some reasons. Maybe the fact you will spend how much gambling.
My friend plays professional poker. He always has limits when play for fun and always stick to it. Do you have something like that in place?

Can I just say, the road trip from San Fran to Vegas is bloody boring, unless you go via LA, and you will need more than a week for the trip too.

As long as she also gets the chance to have a weeks holiday without you and DD then YANBU.

Has she seen The Hangover & is having ideas you'll get up to something like that?

Novak I find that attitude really odd. A cheater cheats cos they want to, not cos they're in a certain city.

Unless you're joking, in which case, carry on.

I can't see the problem!! go have fun and enjoy yourself, you only live once!!

I think you are U for asking - as it's not really fair, to tell her that the majority vote on MN is more important than her opinion.

I would hate it, and would never get over it. I say this as my 'D'H went abroad, on holiday, when I was 7.5months pregnant with DD1; he went again when she was 4 months old.

I could never see him as being responsible, or secure after that. I knew that meant he'd do what he wanted, and never took my feelings into account, therefore I lost some respect & trust.

I don't think you're unreasonable for wanting to go away with a mate per se, but the kind of holiday you want to do, I would be livid about.

Mainly because it's a once in a lifetime type trip, and I'd want to do it with him, not just a mate.

Here issue is that none of her friends want to go away. So it's MY fault that I have good friends who DO.
Yes, we can still have a family holiday and naturally I'm happy to look after DD whilst she is away.
As for YAMA comment: 'I don't think dh would want to spend a week of his 5 weeks off away from us. In fact I know he wouldn't.' Sounds a bit co-dependant and unhealthy to me IMHO

Dprince don't be rude. Haven't you heard of irony?

I think this is one of those issues that people have really polarised views on, that are deep-rooted. I have been on holiday with friends without DH several times, and he is going away for the second half of this week on a cycling trip (we also have a 2 year old). I plan to go to Jersey later in the year to visit a friend who has just moved there (without DH and DD).

I remember mentioning in passing to a (male) friend that I was off to New York with another friend in a few weeks (this is a few years ago) and he was absolutely horrified! DH and I were child-free back then, we had no money worries etc - but he just felt it was outrageous that one of us would want to be away from the other for such a long time, and that you should always spend holidays together. I thought that was a bizarre attitude, but it's something that is clearly deep-seated with him and that he can't explain.

yellowraincoat. Was the humour in my post so well hidden. I thought it was blatantly tongue in cheek.

However I would say that circumstance probably does play a huge part in many extra marital events starting.

From all the details in your post, if true, I can't really see any reason why you shouldn't go. Would it be a really long holiday?

I think you have to get her to agree though, not just say "well, I'm going".
Somehow...

Well, thanks for that. 'Sounds a bit co-dependent.' Nah, he just prefers our company to anyone else's. Not that odd. Just ask you wife's mates.

Ok I wouldn't have a problem with this at all.

My Dh (although he often takes the dcs with him) spends 3 weeks in Jamaica without me every year.

Realistically I don't think that is the extent of your wife's (?) dissatisfaction. Even if that is all she is admitting I doubt that is the extent of it. Furthermore I think her 'friends not wanting to go on holiday' is a more in depth complaint than it at first sounds.

Is she saying she feels socially isolated, that she is unhappy because she will be mainly alone while you are away? Is it that she is saying non of her friends husbands/partners do this and so she is unhappy you want to (it sends her some kind of message about your relationship to her or her friends and she is embarrassed), or is she saying that its not fair because hse won't get a similar opportunity because she hasn't got friends like yours? Or maybe she is saying all of those things.

You need to identify what the real issues are, otherwise I doubt you'll be going anywhere.

I would push for this because it does sound wonderful (I've done something similar myself) and maybe she just needs reassurance.