AIBU. Want to go on holiday with mate for one week

[Zealey]

OK. I'd like a female perspective on this: I've got a DD who's two. My male best friend who I've known for decades wants to go on a once in a lifetime road trip from Vegas to San Fran. We are both keen poker players and have always talked about it. Of course I am equally happy for her to go on a 'once-in-a-life-time' trip with her female best friend. We have a good relationship and there is total trust. But she is having none of it and is mighty pissed that I even suggest such a thing. AIBU

It wouldn't bother me if my dh wanted a week away with a friend. In fact he has been away skiing and has also taken care of the children whilst I went away for a long weekend with friends.

But, and this is the important bit, we have a strong, relationship. We trust and respect each other, we both pull our weight at home, we communicate really well and are able to compromise. Neither of us has done anything in the past to cause the other upset or mistrust.

However, in your relationship OP it sounds as if your wife does have some issues with you going away. Whether she has not been able to open up to you about them, or whether you are not taking her seriously is not clear. It does seem as if you are quite insensitive to her feelings. Maybe you could try couples counselling to help you both learn to communicate your feelings a bit better. I get the feeling she is not being heard. Sorry if that's off the mark but you're not really giving us much to go on.

I wouldn't have a problem with a long weekend. I would encourage that but I would have had a problem with a whole week in your circumstances. That is 1/5 of your holiday entitlement and one week that your wife is denied full time help with your 2 year old.

She is probably desperate for a break from the demands of a young child and is jealous( unreasonable but understandable) of you just "swanning off". How about reaching a compromise and postpone this trip until your 2 year old is older, and going somewhere less exotic for a long weekend. Spend the rest of that weeks holiday entitlement taking her somewhere nice if you can get GP or someone to look after your child.

Can I ask:

1. How long are you planning to go away for?

2. How much do you see this trip costing?
   2b) How many weeks of net household income does that represent?

Oh, OK, clue's in the title for 1), but really; just 7 days door to door?

doinmummy - Personally, I could cope on my own for a week, but I'd really rather not. If DP goes away then I try to get my mum to come and help. Maybe I'm a bit needy, but I'd just prefer some adult company and support.

I really pity your wife.

"I really pity your wife."

Why? Would you pity my husband because I go for a "girls" holiday to Europe for a week every year?

Being married does not mean being unable to spend any time away from that person for the rest of your life.

I've coped on my own for 14 years [wants a medal icon]

I was married to a pompous, patronising dickhead for years and now I've been doing it on my own for years. I WANT TWO MEDALS!

Thankyou Truth

I think I agree AThing

A bit revealing really, the way he says 'I won't stoop to your level and insult you', after calling her a misandrist and saying her life must be hell.

I actually don't think it's BU to take a holiday with friends but I suspect there is a deeper story here.

OP the slating you are getting is wholly unjustified. If this were turned on it's head and a woman asked if she was being unreasonable to go on a one week trip with her best friend that didnt infringe on her family's holiday and which the could afford she would be whole heartedly supported. And I say that as a woman.

My DH is going on what I would consider the 'trip of a lifetime' over to NZ over this coming new year. He is going out to see his Best Friend and to be best man at his wedding. We have a 7 month old and I will (1) not go without her and (2) not take a one year old all that way and (3) we couldn't afford for all three of us to go but could afford for him. I am totally supportive as I KNOW he would be fine with me doing the same.

You say in your posts that you would be happy for your wife to do the same so it is a shame that you are being 'punished' for having old friends and dreams you want to achieve.

Maybe ask if she has an idea of her 'trip of a lifetime' which she could do with you and or your DC. Or, ask if there is a specific time which would be best for her when you took your trip (for example, if she works in accountancy, April is probably the worst time as her job will be pretty stressful at year end).

You resoloutley do NOT deserve the bashing you are getting on here. I'm ashamed of the way some posters have responded to you. Posters who would actively encourage a mother to do what you are doing.

OP- our opinions really are irrelevant. Unfortunately if you are going to go on this trip it'll be by reassuring her and persuading her that for you 2 this holiday is fine. And you won't manage that by telling her what other couples have done.
Having said it's irrelevant DH has been away for pleasure rather than business 2 or 3 times in nearly 20 years. I obviously don't mind, but would perhaps have felt differently if he'd regularly made plans for jollies from the get go.

I first thought this post was written by a female and I was about to say yabu for leaving your 2 yr old dd and going off galavanting like a teenager, but now I see you're a man, my response is still the same. I have an 18 month old and tbh I wouldn't enjoy any holiday that wasn't a family one as I would miss dd too much. Perhaps she feels the same, and wonders why you don't?

That's a lie! I've just remembered the yearly walking weekends. Interestingly it's only just this past year that the female halves have had their own weekend, it just wasn't a priority while dcs were small. We did it so much cheaper and better than them too!

Honestly, after reading the first few pages, I was wanting to scream YANBU and getting quite baffled by those claiming it is weird to spend 1 out of 52 weeks in a year away from your other half and not living in each others pockets. But now, considering the way you are coming across on here, your attitude stinks and it is no wonder this is bothering her.

This.

I first thought this post was written by a female and I was about to say yabu for leaving your 2 yr old dd and going off galavanting like a teenager

It's a weeks holiday the OP is talking about - not a year!

YANBU at all. I agree that wanting a bit of time to yourself every now and again is ok and normal (provided you can afford it and both partners are treated the same way). I also agree that the idea that you couldn't bear to spend one of your five weeks off away from your family is a little odd.

I just had to go to a work conference on the other side of the world for 8 days and added on a week's leave. I total I was away 3 weeks (children were 3 and 2 at the time). DH looked after the kids. I had a great time and would do the same in a heart beat for him is he wanted to take some time to himself.

Just because there are posters here who wouldn't enjoy a holiday without their children, doesn't mean everyone should feel like that. I had a blast. Read about 10 books, learnt to surf and slept randomly in the afternoon just because I could.