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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU. Want to go on holiday with mate for one week

134 replies

Zealey · 23/07/2012 19:42

OK. I'd like a female perspective on this: I've got a DD who's two. My male best friend who I've known for decades wants to go on a once in a lifetime road trip from Vegas to San Fran. We are both keen poker players and have always talked about it. Of course I am equally happy for her to go on a 'once-in-a-life-time' trip with her female best friend. We have a good relationship and there is total trust. But she is having none of it and is mighty pissed that I even suggest such a thing. AIBU

OP posts:
yellowraincoat · 23/07/2012 20:09

Novack, some of the stuff you see written here, it's quite hard to gauge if someone is serious or not.

Original poster
Zealey · 23/07/2012 20:09

Thanks EmsyJ: best comment so far. Maybe she just got issues about it. I think it's healthy and normal to keep old friends as well as mutual new ones. It's just sad doesn't.

OP posts:
Original poster
Zealey · 23/07/2012 20:10

sad 'she' doesnt.

OP posts:
Sassybeast · 23/07/2012 20:11

So she's socially a bit isolated at the minute. Happens when you have a small child.
Vegas will still be there in 5 years time.

pictish · 23/07/2012 20:12

I think you should go. You only live once.

I'd love to go on holiday with my mates. And would if I could afford it. My dh wouldn't mind.

spoonsspoonsspoons · 23/07/2012 20:16

Is it a trip that she'd like to do herself?

I have no problems when the OH wants to go away for weekend/week to do something I'm really not interested in - e.g. go to an airshow, watch a grand prix.

Rightly or wrongly, I'd have more of an issue if it was something I'd really like to do and he was going with someone else

GnomeDePlume · 23/07/2012 20:16

I agree with YAMA, it isnt co-dependent except in the sense that you are married to each other. Taking a week of your holiday to go and do a road trip when you have a 2 year old at home seems mightily distant to me. Not to mention frittering family money away on such a trip.

As someone who travelled abroad for business for many years I never spent a moment longer away from home than I had to.

Your attitude seems to be that it is your wife's fault that her friends have more sense arent keen to go on similar trips and that you are somehow are better person for having a friend to go with.

What do you imagine your wife's expression is going to be when you show her the pictures of all the 'amazing' places you went to with your friend. I'll give you a clue it will look something like this:- Hmm.

In case I wasnt clear enough....

YABU

carabos · 23/07/2012 20:17

FWIW, I would never stop my DH doing something like this for no other reason than I would not want to hear " if not for you".

olibeansmummy · 23/07/2012 20:19

I wouldn't have a problem with it at all as long as we could comfortably afford it.

dreamingbohemian · 23/07/2012 20:20

I agree with Ruby, is it possible she has other reasons? Maybe she is just uncomfortable with you going to Sin City but doesn't feel that's a valid enough reason. Or maybe she would feel less sad about not being able to take a similar trip if yours weren't so flashy.

Be honest: would she have the same reaction if, say, you and your friend were just going camping in the UK somewhere for a week?

My DH and take separate trips sometimes but if the other person were really unhappy with a proposed trip we would try to get them to feel okay about it. I don't get the sense you're trying to do that really.

fivegomadindorset · 23/07/2012 20:20

If money was OK then I would be absolutely fine with it, but to be honest I would just like a week to myself and not have to talk to anyone else except a barman to order a drink or three.

Yama · 23/07/2012 20:22

Thank you Gnome. I didn't think I was a weirdo.

iknowwho · 23/07/2012 20:22

I would have no problem with you taking that trip.

My boys are older than your DD (15 and 12) but we have always had family holidays, my holidays, my holidays with the kids and DH's grand prix holidays.

I get loads of holidays with my job and DH doesn't get many - that's why I go away more.

Also we have different interests at times. I'm not interested in following the Grand Prix circuit and DH loves it. Fair enough. He doesn't want to go to bootcamps or skiing. That's fine. We both love going to France and Scotland and travelling across Europe with the boys.

I don't understand how some couples seem to morph into one homogenous blob that can't enjoy time on their separate interests (finances and willing to share the load of child care permitting)

Krumbum · 23/07/2012 20:24

Will you still be able to go on holiday as a family?
Will she need to take time off work? If you work then how much holiday time do you get? She may be sad that it's only a few weeks and want to spend them with you.
This sounds very expensive plus you could lose huge amounts of money playing poker!

DesperatelySeekingPomBears · 23/07/2012 20:25

To be honest OP, it doesn't really matter what a bunch of random strangers on the internet tell you. You could have 20 pages of replies all telling you that YANBU, but you aren't married to any of those randoms, and the person you are married to DOES have a problem with it. You have a small child. Frankly it sounds as though your wife believes that such adventures should have taken place pre-child or should wait until the child(ren) are a lot older and, to be fair, you should respect that wish.

Dozer · 23/07/2012 20:26

That trip could cost thousands of pounds once you add up flights, accommodation, gambling money etc. Can you really afford a similarly priced trip for her, and a family holiday in addition, and other stuff you/she might want, eg home improvements?

Agree with the poster who said that it would be a dull roadtrip lasting well over a week, you'd be as well to fly between destinations.

As for her social life, you sound dismissive and a bit mean, it can be difficult to keep up with friends after DC, especially friends who don't have children or don't live nearby. I have friends I love but who I wouldn't want to spend a week with!

Dozer · 23/07/2012 20:27

Also, do you have family who would help her with childcare while you were away?

RubyFakeNails · 23/07/2012 20:27

It seems to be on of those issues that really varies amongst couples. Most of my friends take separate holidays but its only really on mn and mixing with people at things like school events that I've found people have a very negative reaction to this.

As I said DH goes to Jamaica without me, and often on long weekends away. He's been to vegas to watch certain boxing events, and goes to things like the world cup, the superbowl/nba finals, wimbledon (loves sporting events) all of which I would rather shit knives than do.

But then he isn't that interested when I've travelled to see certain exhibitions, not so much now but i used to travel to the various trade shows and fashion weeks with work then add some time on for myself. I go on 'girls' drinking holidays.

We do holiday together but, we live together, we've been together for 23 years, a few weeks here and there don't make a difference (in fact they probably improve things).

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 23/07/2012 20:27

If her only reason is that she won't get to do the same because her friends done want to, then she is being selfish.

Tbh, dh and I wouldn't want to spend a week away from each other, but that's just us and as we've not yet been married three years, we are still honeymoon phase! I am expecting that as we get older we will want to do different things.

Dh went away last weekend with a friend and he worries needlessly that i wont want him to go. I'm more than happy for him to go though because I love him and want him to enjoy himself.

spoonsspoonsspoons · 23/07/2012 20:29

It's 9 hours driving time between Vegas and San Francisco so not sure why the roadtrip "would last a week"

Can drive via Death Valley and Yosemite if the Tioga pass is open, I've done the journey a couple of times and it's not dull imo.

Shakey1500 · 23/07/2012 20:30

I wouldn't have a problem at all with it, if, as others have mentioned, time/ money/childcare for when she goes, are no factor. If the only reason seems to be her being a bit jealous that you have mates to go on holiday with, then that's something that could be looked at. Does she have hobbies? Enough free time with her family, time on her own to do nowt if she wishes etc?

And Grin @ Squeaky for slipping some sound "road trip" travel advice in.

Sassybeast · 23/07/2012 20:31

Is your friend married ? Does he have small children ?

solidgoldbrass · 23/07/2012 20:32

YANBU for wanting to go given that it's affordable and you are also happy to look after your DD for a week should your partner want a holiday alone, as well.

So it's important to work out what her objections are. For a start, in a general way, how much socialising do you both do independently and together? If it's a case that you go out a lot with your mates and she doesn't, this might be a bit of a last-straw thing.

Also, have you any form for bad behaviour eg infidelity or problem gambling? If it's a yes to that then she is not being unreasonable in worrying that you will be at it again if you go on this trip.

Otherwise, it's possibly a deeper problem in that the two of you are incompatible regarding how much time you think is appropriate to spend away from a partner. It doesn't necessarily mean that either of you is wrong, just that you have different expectations, and you will need to do some serious talking and listening to reach a middle ground. Because if you give up this trip to placate her she may well want you to give up other things as well; if you go on it, she may never let you out of her sight or she may decide that you do not love her enough and end the relationship.

anditwasallyellow · 23/07/2012 20:33

What reasons has your wife given for not wanting you to go away?

dreamingbohemian · 23/07/2012 20:34

Yes it is a bit mean to knock her social life and friends not wanting to travel, do her friends also have small children? and partners who won't step up and take care of them so they can get away for a week?

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