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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU. Want to go on holiday with mate for one week

134 replies

Zealey · 23/07/2012 19:42

OK. I'd like a female perspective on this: I've got a DD who's two. My male best friend who I've known for decades wants to go on a once in a lifetime road trip from Vegas to San Fran. We are both keen poker players and have always talked about it. Of course I am equally happy for her to go on a 'once-in-a-life-time' trip with her female best friend. We have a good relationship and there is total trust. But she is having none of it and is mighty pissed that I even suggest such a thing. AIBU

OP posts:
mummymeister · 23/07/2012 20:36

OP i think you need to get a clear reason/s why she doesnt want you to go. we can all speculate why that is and others have already done so and given reasons. at the end of the day, it is your relationship with her and only you can decide whether going on it is going to cause a massive rift or not going on it is going to do the same thing. personally we have been together 20+ years with 3 kids. i have no problem with DH doing his own thing alone, with friends or with the kids and vice versa. I dont know if she is being selfish or is just in fact quite lonely and perhaps a bit bored. again only you can find this out.

CuriousMama · 23/07/2012 20:38

Yes was also wondering about your friend?

I wouldn't mind dp going on a trip without me. He'd go on a cycling holiday though and no doubt alone but would mix with others. I used to encourage exdh to go to the US to watch sport. I also took trips without exdh. He's an ex though so may say something?

Dp would only go on a holiday without me if we could afford for me to do something for myself of similar value. I would find someone to go with though sounds like your wife is having trouble with that perhaps?

Do you socialise a lot with your friends away from your dw?

BoulevardOfBrokenSleep · 23/07/2012 20:38

It's a bit shit to be left at home with the kid(s)....

Can I ask:

  1. How long are you planning to go away for?

  2. How much do you see this trip costing?
    2b) How many weeks of net household income does that represent?

iknowwho · 23/07/2012 20:39

It's a bit shit to be left at home with the kid(s)....

Not necessarly. I sometimes love it.
It's even better when DH takes them!!! Grin

OP your trip sounds fab! Hope it happens for you and DW gets a turn to!

redskyatnight · 23/07/2012 20:42

When DS was 2 and DD was a few months old, DH had the opportunity to go on an (almost) all expenses trip paid overseas. DH really wanted to go but in the end didn't.

What we did do was sit down and have an honest conversation about it. From my point of view I was very worried about being left on my own with 2 small children, I'd had PND after having DS and worried that I might not get it again. But I also realised this was a great opportunity for DH and didn't want to say "no". DH and I talked through what we could do to allay my worries - getting family/friends to help, what he could do before he went to make things easier for me ... DH, in the end, didn't go because he realised that wanting to support me was more important than his trip. If he'd decided the other way, I'd have equally totally supported it.

OP - you need that honest conversation.

CuriousMama · 23/07/2012 20:42

I never minded exdh being away even when my dss were very small? Mind you I did most of the child care anyway so didn't notice that much difference.

I once had an absolute ball in Amsterdam with my sister and a friend Grin 5 nights of madness!

GnomeDePlume · 23/07/2012 20:46

I dont think that his wife needs to give clear reasons why she doesnt want her DH to go away on an expensive holiday trip without her.

He should be giving damn fine reasons why he thinks he is entitled to go on what is quite clearly a selfish trip now. If he and his friend have been talking about it for a long time then they can talk about it for a few years longer. It will still be there and just as sleazy in a few years time.

RubyFakeNails · 23/07/2012 20:56

Gnome You sound bitter and miserable.

It's SF to Vegas, why are you saying it's sleazy?

In most relationships I'm aware of an amazing opportunity/thing like this arises it would be a why not? Not a why? If they have the funds, which he has already said will not impact on their family holiday or other finances, then why shouldn't he go. Because he has a partner and a child? Ridiculous.

If this was reversed, and I have seen similar threads about women wondering should they go on holiday without their partner and children, we would all encourage the OP to go.

whois · 23/07/2012 20:57

I don't think you are being particularly U, but neither is she for not really wanting you to go.

Maybe some sort of compromise or reciprocal agreement would work?

I woudl say you can go, but make sure she has enough support while you are away.

Then arrange for her to go away (maybe just for the weekend, or a couple of weekends!, if her friends can't get away) to a spa, or a city break or something else she wants to do.

AND have a really nice holiday together.

Remember you will need to ring and/or her lots from the US to say how much you love her and are missing her!

yellowraincoat · 23/07/2012 20:59

I don't think I could stand to be in the sort of relationship where I wasn't allowed to go on holiday/go out/spend weekends without my partner.

It sounds horrible and claustrophobic.

whois · 23/07/2012 21:05

squeakytoy I have to disagree, both on the roadtip being boring, and needing more than a week.

Between Las Vegas and San Fran there is Death Valley and Yosemite (hardly boring!) and then you can swing by Santa Barbara for some classic US sea side.

I woudl say 3 days in Las Aegas, one night in death valley (or just outside it on the west side) and then two nights in Yosemite (with the big hike up to the v top of half dome, book accommodation ahead) then swing by santa barbara just for the day on your way to San Fran and then a couple of nights in San Fran and see the San Fran sights.

TheVermiciousKnid · 23/07/2012 21:07

Can't really answer this if the OP doesn't come back and answer the questions various posters have asked.

anditwasallyellow · 23/07/2012 21:07

Going purely on what the op has said I cannot see a reason not to go.

I would not mind providing, I trusted my partner 100%, it wasn't going to be of detriment to the family finances or mean we had to sacrifice the family holiday, he was quite happy to care for the children alone while I did something very expensive that I enjoyed or we could do something extravagant together.

But for some people it wouldn't be acceptable and I guess that's where relationship compatability comes into it.

Without the op coming back and telling what his wifes reasons are for not wanting him to go I don't think anyone can judge.

Her side of the story could be totally different.

remote · 23/07/2012 21:08

Just another voice saying this wouldn't be a problem for me or for DH if I wanted to go away.

I think a decent relationship is about bring honest. If OPs wife has a reason for not wanting him to go then she should discuss it. Otherwise he'll just end up feeling resentful.

Original poster
Zealey · 23/07/2012 21:10

@YAMA. I did. Nah.

OP posts:
GnomeDePlume · 23/07/2012 21:12

He shouldnt go because he has a partner and a child unless that partner gives him her blessing (which apparently she hasnt).

You are a family first, the needs of the family come first. You are partners so the needs of the partnership are more important than the wants of one half of the partnership.

I'm not bitter just sad at the frequency with which I see on MN people starting to lead separate lives (and holidays are part of this) when allegedly in relationships.

I also think that gambling is a sleazy, deceitful and immoral industry. I would lose a lot of respect for my DH if he wanted to go on a holiday where a significant component was gambling.

Waedigirl · 23/07/2012 21:13

DH did 2.5 weeks Chicago to San Fran earlier this summer (dd 2 at the time) paid himself. It was trip of a lifetime for him. We have family hols next week followed by a week just for meeee. I have banked a number of "good wife" points for this. Many people I know wouldn't "let" their dp go away but to me it smacks of wanting to control. Op there shouldn't have been small print when you had dc to say you never get to do things for yourself anymore. As long as you are thoughtful to dw then yanbu

Original poster
Zealey · 23/07/2012 21:13

@Gnomedeplume. Uggh, what a bitter little misandrist you sound.

OP posts:
GnomeDePlume · 23/07/2012 21:14

^ZealeyMon 23-Jul-12 21:10:08

@YAMA. I did. Nah.^

You are such a loss to a debating society

Waedigirl · 23/07/2012 21:15

Gnome. Needs of family in the wider sense of course come first but I fail to see how this trip for one week cannot be accommodated. Needs of family should include each member within as well as collective. Child will not implode in that time.

Fairenuff · 23/07/2012 21:16

OP it's impossible to offer an opinion unless you can tell us what her objections are.

I know that you think it's financially viable but what does she think?

How does she feel about being the sole carer of your child 24/7?

Have you ever been unfaithful or visited lap dancing type clubs which she objects to?

Have you ever lost a lot of money gambling or had any other gambling related problems?

I could see why she might object for any of these reasons if they are applicable to your situation.

WaitingForMe · 23/07/2012 21:16

I'd hate to be with someone like OPs wife. My DB is getting married next summer and when his fiancé said the hen do would be abroad I just said great assuming DH would be fine looking after our will be 6 month old for a weekend. And he was. He thinks it'll be perfect timing for a girly break.

I think if OP gives up the trip for his wife it'll breed resentment that'll undoubtedly damage the marriage so he may as well go. I'm with Tim Ferriss that it's easier to get forgiveness than permission.

Original poster
Zealey · 23/07/2012 21:18

@Gnomedeplume. Proves my point. The last resort of a failed argument is insults. I won't stoop to your level. I can imagine your life is probably hell already.

OP posts:
anditwasallyellow · 23/07/2012 21:18

Zealy can you tell us what your wifes reasons for not wanting you to go are?

GnomeDePlume · 23/07/2012 21:18

You are entitled to your opinion Zealey, as am I.

You posted in 'Am I being unreasonable' not 'You all have to agree with me'

Time to leave this thread I think