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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU. Want to go on holiday with mate for one week

134 replies

Zealey · 23/07/2012 19:42

OK. I'd like a female perspective on this: I've got a DD who's two. My male best friend who I've known for decades wants to go on a once in a lifetime road trip from Vegas to San Fran. We are both keen poker players and have always talked about it. Of course I am equally happy for her to go on a 'once-in-a-life-time' trip with her female best friend. We have a good relationship and there is total trust. But she is having none of it and is mighty pissed that I even suggest such a thing. AIBU

OP posts:
Original poster
Zealey · 23/07/2012 21:20

She feels that it's not fair that she hasn't got good friends to go on a holiday with, so therefore I mustn't go either, rather like when a you buy one child a present you have to give the other one too or they get jealous and tantrumy.

OP posts:
TheVermiciousKnid · 23/07/2012 21:20

I'm beginning to wonder if this is a trip down disingenuity lane...

dreamingbohemian · 23/07/2012 21:23

Knid, I think we're already in Downtown Disingenuity Wink

anditwasallyellow · 23/07/2012 21:24

Well then in that case she is being unreasonable. But you are starting to sound a little like you are throwing your toys out of the pram. Try and be a bit more considerate of your wifes feelings, she might be feeling very insecure about the whole thing.

I think this happens a lot and more often it's the male that keep his social life going a bit more perhaps it stems from the early days when women are breastfeeding and on maternity leave so are less likely to leave the baby.

Instead of rubbing her face in it that she doesn't have friends to go away with why not offer to take her away for the weekend somewhere special aswell as your trip away.

TheVermiciousKnid · 23/07/2012 21:24

Yeah! Let's have a game of Disingenuity Poker!

TheVermiciousKnid · 23/07/2012 21:25

Or is that disingenuity bingo? Confused

Fairenuff · 23/07/2012 21:25

Are you sure that is her real reason OP? Have you had a proper open and frank discussion or was it a bit of an argument? Do you truly believe that she is jealous of your friendships? If that is the case it sounds like she has low self-esteem and could probably do with some counselling.

TheVermiciousKnid · 23/07/2012 21:26

Here's a challenge, OP: ask your partner to start her own thread in AIBU. I wonder how she would describe the situation.

anditwasallyellow · 23/07/2012 21:27

I'd be interested to see that thread...

rookiemater · 23/07/2012 21:28

OP you must earn a heck of a lot for a trip to Vegas not to put a dent in their family finances. I reckon it would cost at least £2000 - £3000 once you factor in costs when you are there.

Our family income is decent but £3k would certainly make an impact on our ability to have a nice family holiday.

DH has done weekends away since we have had DS and I have had two long weekends away skiing which is something I love and we don't do as a family as DS not keen to learn yet so I certainly don't subscribe to the view that families should spend all their holidays together. However I don't think I would be enchanted if DH suggested a week in Vegas for no apparent reason. Firstly there is the cost, secondly the time away, thirdly if you are a gambler there is a chance you may spend more than you planned and fourthly Vegas has a reputation as a party place.

If it was a special birthday then that might be a bit more understandable, but I'd probably worry as well that if he did it once he might want to do it again.

Sassybeast · 23/07/2012 21:28

Wow.
Op - is this the same attitude that you display when your wife disagrees with you ?
You asked for female perspectives. You got them. Not sure quite why you asked as you are obviously going to go on your boys trip, regardless of any other perspective.

Good luck with the rest of your marriage Wink

emsyj · 23/07/2012 21:28

"I'm not bitter just sad at the frequency with which I see on MN people starting to lead separate lives (and holidays are part of this) when allegedly in relationships."

See, I think it's essential to have separate lives. I don't enjoy all the same things that DH does - and the same in reverse. We have enough in common and spend enough time together as a couple and as a family that a few days here and there doing our own thing is enjoyable and healthy. I will miss DH while he is away this week, but I wouldn't want him not to go - he loves cycling (I don't) - and I would not be happy with a partner who did not 'allow' me to do things that I wanted to do.

That's not to say the OP should go and disregard his DW's views - when you're in a relationship, you have to compromise. But the idea that it is outrageous that the OP should want to do this is really strange to me. Is it selfish to go on holiday for a week without your family? Yes, a little - but everyone is entitled to be a bit selfish every now and then - provided everyone in the family unit is offered an equal opportunity to do their own thing, of course.

Original poster
Zealey · 23/07/2012 21:28

Faireenuff - I think you've hit the nail on the head there. But don't we ALL have a bit of low-self-esteem and worry. Over-analysing is the sign of an intelligent brain. I think she can be very insecure at times, sometimes it is endearing, other times like now it is frustrating. The issue is HERS, not MINE, although of course I support and listen to her, but ultimately what goes on with your private mental health can only ever your own business.

OP posts:
solidgoldbrass · 23/07/2012 21:30

Have you helped her maintain her friendships, though? Have you regularly been ready to look after DC so she can have a night out? Or have you always prioritized your social life?

Of course, it could be a case that her friends have unreasonable partners who won't allow their wives any socialising, which would be something you can't be blamed for.

ANother possible option might be to discuss what major treat your wife would like, other than a girls' holiday which doesn't appear to be feasible for her. Could you trade your week-long trip for, say, three weekends of child-free, chore-free fun for her instead?

anditwasallyellow · 23/07/2012 21:32

zealey you are beginning to sound more and more like a stroppy teenager who doesn't hold you wifes feelings in very high regard. I don't envy her.

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 23/07/2012 21:32

She feels that it's not fair that she hasn't got good friends to go on a holiday with, so therefore I mustn't go either, rather like when a you buy one child a present you have to give the other one too or they get jealous and tantrumy.

Or, rather like, if your partner is upset or concerned about something (like not having enough friends) you support and help her with it. Why doesn't she have friends? Have you moved house? Do they all have their own families? What help have you given her to make friends? Does she have a chance to go out in the evenings/at weekends without DD? Have you encouraged her to join groups etc?

RubyFakeNails · 23/07/2012 21:34

Well I don't need your sadness Gnome I have an extortionately happy marriage that has lasted over 23 years, always doing things separately.

You have to live separate lives, what about work and hobbies?

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 23/07/2012 21:37

X Posts - Solidgoldbrass speaks sense. My DP plays golf so every now and again he goes for long weekends with his friends. He always offers to look after DS while I go away for a weekend with my friends in return, but tbh I just don't want to leave DS so that wouldn't work for me. Instead, he gives me lie ins, first 'dibs' on nights I want to go to the gym/out with friends etc. TBH, I wouldn't be happy if he was going off for a week without , but I'm sure we'd find a way to make it workable (e.g. by going at a time when I could go and stay with my mum so I'd get help with DS)

As so often on here, I think you just need to talk to her

doinmummy · 23/07/2012 21:38

I think she can be very insecure at times, sometimes it is endearing, other times like now it is frustrating.

Is it only frustrating when it interferes with what you want ?

My DP went to Vegas for a week this year. I didn't mind at all. It was for his friends 40th birthday.

Have an honest chat with her and find out her reasons.

Shullbit · 23/07/2012 21:39

Honestly, after reading the first few pages, I was wanting to scream YANBU and getting quite baffled by those claiming it is weird to spend 1 out of 52 weeks in a year away from your other half and not living in each others pockets. But now, considering the way you are coming across on here, your attitude stinks and it is no wonder this is bothering her.

doinmummy · 23/07/2012 21:40

Just as an aside- and I'm prepared to be flamed- why would a mum not be able to cope on her own for just a week?

Tigresswoods · 23/07/2012 21:43

YANBU. My DH went on a golfing trip with mates to Florida when DS was little. I think it's healthy both people in a couple can do things they enjoy.

dreamingbohemian · 23/07/2012 21:45

Do you seriously not see your wife's mental health as your business?

Maybe the issues are hers but you are proposing something that is exacerbating them. I think a kind partner would try to alleviate those worries, not blame her for them.

squeakytoy · 23/07/2012 21:49

whois, I was basing it on them doing it in a week, as that doesnt give a lot of time to really enjoy the sights, along with the inevitable jetlag that will occur. Boring was possibly the wrong word I admit.

We landed in SF late afternoon, were comatose in bed by 8pm, and wide awake again by 3am, at which point we set off towards Vegas. Yosemite as dawn was breaking was fabulous. We could have done the whole trip to Vegas in one long day but had planned on staying overnight midway in Bishop (which really was crap as a stopover..) and carried on to vegas the next morning.

Stayed in Vegas for 4 days, but could happily have stayed longer, and neither of us gambled. We just love the atmosphere, the shows, the bars, and the themed casino hotels. oh, and the buffets! Grin

We then went over to LA and stayed there for 4 days before driving back up to SF. Had planned on going via the Pacific Coast Highway but the marine layer was so heavy we wouldnt have seen anything so we just drove straight up the freeway for about 350 miles... now that was boring! But going to Alcatraz more than made up for it.

I just feel a week is not enough for that sort of roadtrip.

squeakytoy · 23/07/2012 21:51

OP, why not suggest she goes with you if you have a parent/inlaw who will be happy to have your child for a week or ten days.

You can go and play poker, your wife can laze by the pool, drinking cocktails, and there are some amazing shops in Vegas too.. is your best friend single, or could he bring his gf/wife too?