Dad's wife at wedding AIBU to ask for advice how to handle this

[ComeBackasaFlower]

N/C regular...

I'd prefer not to have my Dad's wife at my wedding.

My Dad remarried about 5 years ago after my parents divorced when I was an adult. I have a very good relationship with him, but his wife is pretty much a stranger to us. Their relationship strikes me more as that of convenient companionship as opposed to any great love match. When I have encountered of her, I've felt she is someone to whom I wouldn't ordinarily warm regardless of circumstances. We have never really had the opportunity or desire to build a relationship, which suits all parties fine for the most part, but when it comes to our (intimate, close friends & family) wedding, it poses a problem as I'm not sure I feel comfortable having a virtual stranger there. Particularly one whose presence is certain to make my Mum feel extremely uncomfortable and for whom my sister and Grandma have very little time (to put it mildly)

I'm also concerned that my Dad will be fulfilling a traditional role on the day, escorting me to the ceremony - giving me away, and helping host the reception, so his wife will be on her own for big swathes of time. The only people at the wedding she knows are my aforementioned sister and grandma, neither of whom will be falling over themselves to make her feel welcome. It's hardly likely to be an enjoyable occasion for her, but she's a bit emotionally neutral, so I think she would just get through it without feeling particularly bothered.

I know I need to have a frank conversation with my Dad since as it stands, I have no idea what his expectations are regarding her attendance. He could be completely in tune with my concerns and have assumed his wife would not attend anyway (although rather unlikely), or equally not have given any thought to any potential issue and be put out at the suggestion she doesn't come. It's very hard to gauge. I know I just have to tread very carefully to ensure this doesn't blow up into a massive, upsetting issue for everyone...

How am I going to handle this? AIBU to ask the advice of strangers on the internet?! Don't want to dripfeed but reluctant to drone on so feel free to ask me to expand on stuff.

After the speeches I presume your father will go and sit with his wife anyway, so it's really just the meal she will be talking to people she doesn't know for anyway, and for alot of that time people will be eating so not saying much, people don't usually talk during the speeches. If a friend of mine was getting married and asked me to talk to an awkward relative during the meal i would happily oblige. It's just a couple of hours, not worth ruining your relationship with your father for. It doesn't sound as though your dad will have that many people to socialise with either if even his mother is rude about his wife and prefers to socialise with his exwife. Your father may be glad of her company. Even if he isn't it should be their choice whether she comes or not.

Sorry - I still think you Should invite her - she is your dads wife.

My nan is notoriously fussy - no-one is good enough for her except one aunt and my mum.

Are you afraid she's going to be sitting there at your wedding criticising how it has been arranged

Genuinely no. I'm not worried about her opinion at all.

Doesn't sound very cut and dried at all. It is a big thing to not invite someone, so the 'punishment' has to match the 'crime'. It does sound, however, like there are good reasons for not inviting her.

I think this is a very finely balanced scenario with no win-win solution at all.

If you do invite her, on the day everyone will be feeling so buoyed up and happy that any minor niggles from poo-poo-toes will not be able to burst the bubble.

If you don't invite her it sounds like your Dad won't sulk forever, but it is likely to make future relations even frostier, which also doesn't seem much of a problem from what you have said.

I recommend - you toss a coin!

Just invite her. Seat her where you've got a gap. Accept her congratulations graciously when you see her. And forget all about her. Really. You're over thinking this now

And, like I said, she may decline by the sound of it in which case, problem solved!

Well, clearly she is not a pleasant person. My sympathies for that, it must be difficult.
But YAstillBU, I'm afraid. She is your dad's wife, so you've got to invite her. The end.
You don't have to talk to her much on the day, you can just forget about her. Most people have at least one not very nice person at their wedding. Such is life and you've just got to deal with it, I guess.

your dad will have that many people to socialise with either if even his mother is rude about his wife and prefers to socialise with his exwife. Your father may be glad of her company.

No this is not the case. He and my Mum now get along famously. He has a great relationship with my uncle (Mum's Brother), aunt and cousins and knows many of my friends really well. I wouldn't consider not inviting his wife if I thought he wouldn't have a nice time without her.

If I do end up having her there, I will go down this suggested route of asking a friend to 'chaperone' her as it were. Although I feel pretty uncomfortable about expecting a friend to have to do this with her.

Comeback, if you re-read the reasons you dont want her to come, much of it is 'he said, she said' stuff. Your grandma said this about her, your sister said that....your grandma isnt keen, your sister's view of her is coloured. She doesnt actually seem to have been nasty to you. Just invite her, its the right thing to do if you love your Dad.

I had to do it - my friends husband is a complete knob - shed have been devastef if she wasn't invited and there was no way of not inviting him - I sat him next to my least offendable friend and forewarned them.

Ita just for the meal anyway.

What do you think your Dad would suggest if you ask where to seat her?

Somebody being married clearly doesn't mean much to you.

This isn't true.

I have a deep seated respect for marriage and what it represents.

My Dad wan't that interested in getting married to her, he'd happily have carried on as they were but due to her religious beliefs, she refused to continue the relationship unless they were married. So no, their marriage doesn't mean that much to me.

"Genuinely no. I'm not worried about her opinion at all."
Sorry, I wasn't particularly clear there was I? What I meant was were you worried that she would sitting there criticising, and make the people she was sitting with uncomfortable?

Jenner your post really struck a chord. It is complex. Probably too complex for AIBU, but I really wanted to hear all of these perspectives as views different to mine really help formulate my own opinion with more empathy.

What do you think your Dad would suggest if you ask where to seat her?

that is a REALLY good question! I hadn't thought of that. He's probably say "oh next to Mum (ie Grandma)" as he's not particularly empathetic and wouldn't appreciate the implication of this.

Well a) if your dad discussed that with you - he is a bang out of line b) he did chose to marry her rather than end relationship.

So no, their marriage doesn't mean that much to me.

How on earth would you feel if someone felt this about your future marriage?

What did you want, a thread full of replies saying " it's your day princess, do what you want. "

breathtaking hypocrisy and pettiness.

comeback As my parents split up when I was only 3, I have had years of having to "put up" with my Mum's second H. [I was brought up by my Dad] I couldn't stand him. I had a very small wedding of 24 people and he came. I just accepted I had to invite him and let my brother and Dad keep an eye on him.

If most of your family think she is "odd" they should be prepared for that and not let it upset your day in any way. Just ignore her, tell your family you don't want a blow by blow account of what she's said/done, because that will spoil your day. Ask a couple of friends to keep an eye on her. Just accept she can be a bit different to the rest of the family and get on with having a lovely day.

You must invite her, as everyone is saying, she is your Dad's wife, his choice of life partner and not to invite her would be disrespectful.

I recently married and had to do some re-jigging around, due to personality clashes, but on the day as I had fully expected, everyone had a great time and made the effort with people that either didn't particularily like or know.

I've been to a few weddings where I have only known my DH, however I was fine and it was my responsibility to either sit in a corner or make the effort to speak to people. But that was my responsibility to be sociable not the brides or grooms.

Your Mum's feelings have to be taken into account but as she has already said that she will happily accept your decision, then any uncomfortable feelings she may have, I'm sure will be put aside on the day.

Lastly, this really isn't such a biggie, the bottom line is that your Mum & Dad are no longer together, as per many families today and there are new dynamics. I know that you are worried about this, but can you honestly say when it's all over and you look back that it was worth all this angst???

Sorry where you left it I see what you mean.

Maybe she might, but it doesn't bother me as I know there wouldn't be much of a receptive audience for her opinions among the other guests.

b) he did chose to marry her rather than end relationship. That's a good point.

Stop over thinking it and just invite her, there is someone like this at every wedding, if it wasn't her it would be an objectionable aunty or uncle or the like. Despite your opinion on the marriage, she is married to your dad, is not the OW, has not done anything that offensive and therefore gets an invite.

if your family start moaning about how her invitation makes them uncomfortable, tell them to catch themselves on, it's a big enough wedding that they won't really need to talk to her, and their objections are more likely to put a damper on your day than she is.

She obviously means enough to your Dad that even though he wasn't bothered about marriage, he was bothered enough about her to want to do it any way. It is not for you to judge whether their marriage is 'worthy' or not, it was their choice and it should be respected.

Would you say to one of your friends that they couldn't bring their long term partner because they weren't married? Or would you see that they are in a committed long term relationship and that should be respected?

I think from what you have said, you have reason to not like the woman. But that's not the same as a reason for her to be excluded from her step daughters wedding.

I don't think anything she has done warrants her to be treated with so little respect. Nothing your Dad has done warrants him to be treated with so little respect either.

Your Mum's feelings... will be put aside on the day.

She would never allow her feelings to spill out, but this is what worries me. She has a habit of internalising everything to keep everyone happy and ends up making herself ill over it. And even then, we only find out indirectly much later that she was ill as she is so concerned not to burden anyone with it. She knows it's irrational but she won't be able to prevent her anxiety from growing before the wedding if Dad's wife is coming.

Nothing your Dad has done warrants him to be treated with so little respect either.

Hmm, after his affair, I wasn't sure whether I'd ever speak to him again, let alone be inviting him to my wedding 10 years later. I'm not trying to punish him here, I'm just saying that he's no innocent victim in all this.

What's she ever done to your mum?

This whole thing to a woman who has done no one any harm
Sounds appalling to me. Your mum just has to suck it up and if she is making you feel like that - it's your mum you shouldnbe talking to .

The more you post - the more you seem to be just looking for excuses. She is your dads wife - end of discussion really.