Dad's wife at wedding AIBU to ask for advice how to handle this

[ComeBackasaFlower]

N/C regular...

I'd prefer not to have my Dad's wife at my wedding.

My Dad remarried about 5 years ago after my parents divorced when I was an adult. I have a very good relationship with him, but his wife is pretty much a stranger to us. Their relationship strikes me more as that of convenient companionship as opposed to any great love match. When I have encountered of her, I've felt she is someone to whom I wouldn't ordinarily warm regardless of circumstances. We have never really had the opportunity or desire to build a relationship, which suits all parties fine for the most part, but when it comes to our (intimate, close friends & family) wedding, it poses a problem as I'm not sure I feel comfortable having a virtual stranger there. Particularly one whose presence is certain to make my Mum feel extremely uncomfortable and for whom my sister and Grandma have very little time (to put it mildly)

I'm also concerned that my Dad will be fulfilling a traditional role on the day, escorting me to the ceremony - giving me away, and helping host the reception, so his wife will be on her own for big swathes of time. The only people at the wedding she knows are my aforementioned sister and grandma, neither of whom will be falling over themselves to make her feel welcome. It's hardly likely to be an enjoyable occasion for her, but she's a bit emotionally neutral, so I think she would just get through it without feeling particularly bothered.

I know I need to have a frank conversation with my Dad since as it stands, I have no idea what his expectations are regarding her attendance. He could be completely in tune with my concerns and have assumed his wife would not attend anyway (although rather unlikely), or equally not have given any thought to any potential issue and be put out at the suggestion she doesn't come. It's very hard to gauge. I know I just have to tread very carefully to ensure this doesn't blow up into a massive, upsetting issue for everyone...

How am I going to handle this? AIBU to ask the advice of strangers on the internet?! Don't want to dripfeed but reluctant to drone on so feel free to ask me to expand on stuff.

Has your mother remarried or got a partner who will be going? Where are you seating them if so?
No she has not remarried. She will be on a table with us and DPs parents.

Proud I totally get your point. I don't think I have a load of friends on here, but there is a bit of a happy backstory to my wedding (unrelated to this scenario) that quite a few people might recognise.

That and I would suspect that those who 'know' me on here would vouch that I am always extremely fair-minded and not prone to dramatic bouts of bridezilladom or acute unreasonableness.

You are just making excuses - she is your dads wife, you have no real reason not to invite her - it would simply be downright rude.

What difference does a name change make? My views would stand regardless of who you "normally" are because what you are proposing is downright awful - and quite frankly cruel.

I am sure your SM will find the wedding very stressful herself - going somewhere out of duty when she knows the vast majority of people either don't like her or have nothing in common with her. Not really very nice is it?

Well precisely, I wouldn't want to go if I was her.

Really don't worry about it, it's not that small a wedding; it's not your responsibility to find her like minded friends. Just invite her, put her the same table as Dad's Mum and enjoy your day.

"Well precisely, I wouldn't want to go if I was her." So invite her, and then she can make a choice about whether she makes a damn good excuse not to attend, or sits through her very own version of hell to please your father.

Maybe she wont want to go, but it would be extremely rude for you not to give her the opportunity to make that choice.

I truly do feel sorry for this woman, and also for your father too.

OP, I think the best way forward is for you to talk to your Dad on his own (if you can) and take it from there.

My reasons for not liking my dad's wife are complex, but if I wrote them here they would appear simple and I would probably get a slaughtering on here as well.

Only you know what is best for your wedding - if you feel that her being there is going to cause tension, you need to get that ironed out as soon as possible if you feel you have to invite her. The only person who can help you sort this out is your Dad.

She will go if invited because no doubt she has some manners.

People who don't know me often think I am arrogant or cold when I am actually just shy. And even if your stepmother is a bit odd, that's not a crime.

And, although I don't believe there is absolutely nobody going to your wedding who could spare the time to talk to her, even if this were the case, that is not really the issue.

And please, don't hint at deeper reasons for not wanting to invite her - either leave it as it is, or state your further reasons. 'She was rude in my house' is still pretty subjective, and there are degrees of rudeness.

You should invite her - she is your stepmother, and on this occasion you really just need to suck it up, even if you never speak to the woman again in your life.

If it helps Flower, I am sure your step mother is dreading your big day just as much as you are dreading having her there

Dad's Mum will need to be on the top table as she is registered blind has to have assistance eating and is only comfortable receiving this from My Dad, My Mum or me.

Sounds like I'm making obstacles, I know

About the seating, I understand you want people to have a good time, but IME people at weddings don't expect to be totally confortable and intimate with everyone on their table. Surely, at least some of your friends would try to include a person who is alone in their conversations? That is being polite and it doesn't stop anyone from having a good time.

I went to a wedding recently where one guest had their invitation cancelled because they were excessively rude and aggressive to the groom whilst drunk.

The rationale was that the rudeness was very fresh, quite extreme, and made to the groom himself. The Bride and the Groom are the two main people who should feel comfortable at their own wedding.

The cancelled invitation applied to an actual guest not just a +1 person, so I think there are circumstances where it is justified to exclude a person.

I imagine most guests would have a +1 / named partner on their invitation so unless this person has been blatantly very horrible to key players there isn't much of a justification for making the exception based on personality dislikes, doubt over legitimacy of their relationship etc.

It sounds like she has been rude, but usually there are 2 sides to a story so caution should be exercised.

I think bad behaviour is the only valid reason for specifically excluding her. So it is a judgement call as to whether any bad behaviour is concrete enough and bad enough to warrant the exclusion. The rest is a red herring.

Wedding politics can be a total nightmare ? I married recently so the bickering is still very fresh in my mind. We invited ALL of our step parents (Both mine and DH?s parents are divorced and remarried, so we had 4 step parents to deal with). We didn?t want some of them there, but for us, not inviting them would have crossed a line, and we weren?t prepared for the fall-out that we would have had to endure had they been excluded.

However, we were very strict with other people our parents wanted to invite ? we simply said ?our wedding, our choice?, and faced the consequences and squabbling that followed. Yes, some people were offended, but ultimately it was OUR day. It helped that we paid for it all ourselves. Had our parents contributed we would have had to be more accommodating, I think.

So having rambled about my own wedding (sorry!), I think my answer is, it?s your day, your choice, your problem, but are you really prepared to deal with your Dad?s inevitable reaction? I think you need to think about what sort of relationship you want with your Dad and his wife in the future, as whatever decision you make now will obviously affect that.

Would any of your friends help out on the day? I know if one of my friends asked me to sit next to/make conversation with an 'awkward' guest I would be happy to oblige.

You could sit her on a table with your DHtobe's relatives perhaps.

It's only fair and polite that you invite your father's wife of five years. Especially as she has not done anything to you or your mother.

Will there be any relatives of your father's side she can sit with?

missanserley brings up a good point, some of my friends were put on 'mum watch' at my wedding, they were responsible for keeping my mum out of my Dad's way (and to stop her getting too drunk and making a show of herself ) you may not need something quite so extreme but sitting her with some friendly open people for dinner shouldn't be that hard.

Could you perhaps try putting yourself in your Dad's shoes in all this? Surely he would be really hurt if you did this to him (my DH would be devastated if one of his boys didnt invite me to their wedding). If you dont owe it to her, you owe it to your Dad to invite the person he is married to along to your wedding day and to see his special part in it. Do it for him.

Saying that she wont know anyone is surely a bit of an excuse - it wont affect your day if she is sitting with strangers, it might make her day a bit more uncomfortable, but not yours.

Invite her, have the comfort of knowing you have done the right thing, and then put it out of your mind. You will still have a wonderful day you know.

My father refused to come to my first wedding (which lasted 20 years) because I didn't want to accommodate his new wife at the top table. I was 19 and petty. We never spoke again as I felt be had put her first and he felt I had insulted his wife. I think he died last year but I don't really know.

Looking at it now, from a very happy second marriage, I was wrong. He may be your father but you are starting out on your marriage and if he can accept your husband and your life together, then you must accept his.

I am lucky that my 3c adore my new husband whilst still getting on well with their father. Things like dc1s graduation last month go ok with all involved. Polite, not friendly, but no-one excluded. It's what grown ups do.

At 19, I couldn't see it. It was MY day and stamp foot I wanted it MY way. I use my age as an excuse for my behaviour. He should have behaved better too - she was invited to the wedding after all.

It may be your day, but your father's chosen partner for life is a part of your family now - whether you like it or not - and if it causes issues in the seating plan, grow up and come up with a solution.

Would any of your friends help out on the day? I know if one of my friends asked me to sit next to/make conversation with an 'awkward' guest I would be happy to oblige

Oh yes that's a brilliant idea.

Are any of your friends bringing their children? If so, maybe sit her with a family as kids are a great conversation starter/ice breaker.

"She was also quite rude to my Mum at the one family occasion where everyone has been there together, making comments about the nature of the occasion and how in her community things are done such-and-such a way, and heavily implying that the way things were being done on the day were inferior. Again - I wasn't privvy to all this so have just tried to remain neutral."

Are you afraid she's going to be sitting there at your wedding criticising how it has been arranged?

Tbh I don't really know how to answer this. You clearly think you are being reasonable and I can't advise you on how to approach it as I think yabvu.
It makes me wonder why you are getting married. Somebody being married clearly doesn't mean much to you.
Also for somebody who is neutral you really seem to be on the side of not liking her for very little reason.
I also think you may be more concerned about your mum than she is herself. Why would your ex-hs wife, who had nothing to do with the split coming to a family occasion make her ill?.
Remember she is your dads family, regardless of what you think of his marriage.

I'm sorry but you have to invite her. As everybody here has said.

Send the invite and hope she declines

ok complete transparency.

Sounds Petty, but here you go.

There was heavy snow. We'd not been able to clear up the dog mess in the garden for a day or so. When she visited, she asked to go and have a look in the garden. We said something like "oh you'd be welcome to, but we've not had chance to clear up the dog mess since yesterday because it's covered in snow" She kept insisting that it didn't matter, she really wanted to see the garden (as there's a prominent feature my Dad had raved to her about) and let herself out. She was out there a minute (there was nothing to see - it's all covered in snow) before coming back in, proceeding to walk big poo footprints through the sitting room. We were made to feel that it was somehow our fault. Probably due to me apologising profusely to her (godknows why). She then went to my Grandma's and had bit of a whinge-up about the incident (which my Dad later told us)

At my nephew's catholic christening (not my bag but hey ho) she was rather vociferous about her distain for the proceedings.

There are many small, petty, snarky comments that she has made to my sister that in isolation are insignificant but together have coloured my sister's view of her.

When my Grandma went to stay with her she was incredulous on her return, saying she's never been made to feel so uncomfortable, unwelcome, and burdensome. As I have mentioned, she has certain needs related to her blindness and she felt that Dad's wife was unsympathetic and unhelpful. My Grandma finds her extremely difficult to get along with.

These are all things that I didn't feel are major enough to have a grudge against the woman, as Afternoon says, if I wrote them here they would appear simple and I would probably get a slaughtering on here as well.

Those closest to me will be uncomfortable with her at my wedding. I will feel uncomfortable with her at my wedding. But it seems, as decreed by MN jury, in the interests of doing the right thing, I ought to invite her. I'm genuinely grateful for all these perspectives.