OP says she was the one who forced her father to leave the marital home after revelation of affair, not her mum. She admits she probably has unresolved guilt about this as it wasn't her place to do so. I wonder if, given that OP says her dad would take her mum back again now, and her mum is still so unable to cope with the fact that dad remarried and remains emotionally invested in the relationship, OP harbours guilt that if she had left her parents to sort things out between themselves, they wouldn't have divorced but rather stayed together? And we'd be dealing with a very different picture of things today.
Well it's not often you heave a complete stranger make such an accurate insight into yourself that you hadn't even realised might be the truth.
Thank you to all who contributed to this thread.
I have spoken to my Dad. My intention was to talk it through with no demands or preconceptions and find a compromise that would be the fairest for all parties. I resolved that if that meant including his wife in any capacity, then so be it, I would embark on that course of action wholeheartedly.
Before I even had had chance to speak, he told me that they'd had a discussion between themselves a while ago, and she herself had said she thinks it would be the best thing if she did not attend. I was completely honest with him and admitted my concerns, and much of what's been said in this thread, (apart from much of the stuff about the situation between him and my Mum) which he completely empathised with. I said in the end I had decided that I would welcome her as that would be the kindest, fairest thing to do. He said he would pass that on to her, but when all's said and done, it's likely she will not be coming as it would just be the easiest thing for all concerned. I know many may think that she is probably so horrified by the despicable reception she thinks she will get from us coven of vile witches, that really isn't the truth. She just acknowledges that the dynamic is very difficult.
I just wanted to clear a couple of points up.
My Mum and Dad stay in touch primarily because of my Grandma's care. She is my Dad's Mum, but she lives here near us all. My Dad moved far away through choice, and relies on my Mum to provide a level of care and oversight of my Grandma, and they often have to discuss arrangements for her hospital appointments/home visits etc.
Secondly, about the N/C. I can see why some find this and my comments about it irksome. I didn't do it to protect a 'MN persona' or whatever other suggestions were made, I did it because this thread could easily out me and if I did it as my regular username, any MN anonymity in previous threads I've contributed to would cease. I don't see myself as some kind of MN royalty with a swathe of yes men, rather if some users had recognised me, it might have influenced their response in as much as if they'd previously thought of me fondly, they might not automatically support my stance, but they may believe and respect my subjective points of view more, rather than just take the "well we've only got your word that she's a cow - and who the hell are you?" stance.
In some ways I wish I'd never started the bloody thread and just fetched my Dad up here sooner for a chat! In others, it's been enormously helpful, I've had to read some painful and in many cases wildly unfair opinions about myself and my family and respond without aggression or rudeness which has been an effort! Many of you have given me some really valuable insights, so thank you.