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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dad's wife at wedding AIBU to ask for advice how to handle this

595 replies

ComeBackasaFlower · 23/07/2012 11:05

N/C regular...

I'd prefer not to have my Dad's wife at my wedding.

My Dad remarried about 5 years ago after my parents divorced when I was an adult. I have a very good relationship with him, but his wife is pretty much a stranger to us. Their relationship strikes me more as that of convenient companionship as opposed to any great love match. When I have encountered of her, I've felt she is someone to whom I wouldn't ordinarily warm regardless of circumstances. We have never really had the opportunity or desire to build a relationship, which suits all parties fine for the most part, but when it comes to our (intimate, close friends & family) wedding, it poses a problem as I'm not sure I feel comfortable having a virtual stranger there. Particularly one whose presence is certain to make my Mum feel extremely uncomfortable and for whom my sister and Grandma have very little time (to put it mildly)

I'm also concerned that my Dad will be fulfilling a traditional role on the day, escorting me to the ceremony - giving me away, and helping host the reception, so his wife will be on her own for big swathes of time. The only people at the wedding she knows are my aforementioned sister and grandma, neither of whom will be falling over themselves to make her feel welcome. It's hardly likely to be an enjoyable occasion for her, but she's a bit emotionally neutral, so I think she would just get through it without feeling particularly bothered.

I know I need to have a frank conversation with my Dad since as it stands, I have no idea what his expectations are regarding her attendance. He could be completely in tune with my concerns and have assumed his wife would not attend anyway (although rather unlikely), or equally not have given any thought to any potential issue and be put out at the suggestion she doesn't come. It's very hard to gauge. I know I just have to tread very carefully to ensure this doesn't blow up into a massive, upsetting issue for everyone...

How am I going to handle this? AIBU to ask the advice of strangers on the internet?! Don't want to dripfeed but reluctant to drone on so feel free to ask me to expand on stuff.

OP posts:
2rebecca · 23/07/2012 11:45

If your stepmother wasn't involved in the break up of your parents' marriage why is your mum getting in such a tizz about her coming? Your mother's reaction sounds completely OTT. Even if she had been the OW in the break up most people would still invite their father's wife to their wedding if they get on with their father.
I see no reason not to invite her. it's a wedding for 1 day, not a 2 week holiday. the people who don't like her can ignore her, or just be polite. People often go to weddings when they don't know anyone except their spouse. that's her problem not yours.
I don't see any reason not to invite her. Just seat her near some people who aren't antagonistic towards her eg your family. Does your dad have any siblings coming she can sit with or do you have any older friends? She won't be sat near your mum anyway.
If you don't like the being given away aspect you could have opted for a nontraditional wedding when you walk down the aisle with your husband.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 23/07/2012 11:47

No, they weren't propel that a large proportion of my guests didn't want there, although by the end of the day my Mum was wishing they weren't there.

But either way, it's not about the rest of your guests, it's about you and your future dh. It's good to take your other guests into consideration, but your Dad is one of those too, and what he wants is equal to what your Mum wants.

You will find somewhere for her to sit, seating plans are always difficult but as long as you don't have a tediously long and drawn out meal which is likely to bore most guests anyway, then it doesn't tend to be a problem on the actual day.

twofurryones · 23/07/2012 11:47

OP having been married after my parents divorced when I was an adult I do understand how hard it is to accommodate the new parental dynamics. I didn't invite my Dad's new partner, she was the OW, they weren't married and the situation was still very fresh, and my Mum probably wouldn't have come. As it was no one on my Mum's side came because my Dad was still invited, in fact my Mum very nearly didn't until she realised she would be the one missing out.

However, in this case, unless you see potential for a similar family feud from extending an invite to her and from what you've said it doesn't sound likely, then you should invite her. I imagine your dad would be really offended if you don't. If this is likely to be a larger event than the last then hopefully her and your mum won't even cross paths.

Sighingagain · 23/07/2012 11:48

It is that simple - anyone with an ounce of respect and manners, for you, Dh and your dad, can accommodate your sm for your wedding.

If they can't - they shouldn't be there.

If you have any respect for your dad - you'll invite her - the simple fact is you don't like her and you don't want to invite her.

Sit her with best mans partner and children.

Proudnscary · 23/07/2012 11:48

Extremely and unnecessarily rude not to invite her - and potentially damaging to your relationship with your df.

(And this is coming from someone with a very strained/unhappy relationship with stepmother).

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 23/07/2012 11:50

Maybe you need to work on explaining the reasons why you don't want her to come a bit more, because at the moment the reasons you have for doing something so rude and disrespectful are pretty flimsy!

Sorry to sound harsh, it's not meant unkindly Smile

WorraLiberty · 23/07/2012 11:51

I feel really sorry for her...she's done nothing wrong.

If your Gran finds her 'cold' well perhaps she should try putting herself in your Step Mum's position and welcome her a bit more.

If she tries properly to do that and still finds her 'cold', then fair enough but she should at least give the poor woman a go.

Invite her to your wedding

Who she does/doesn't talk to is not your concern really once she's there.

PrimaBallerina · 23/07/2012 11:52

You have to invite her. Who she will socialise with and where she will sit are non issues you are making into reasons she shouldn't come.

You don't sound like a mean person - do the right thing.

MmeLindor · 23/07/2012 11:53

A wedding with about 80 guests is not what I would call an 'intimate' one.

Can you really say that you know well and like every single other person who will be invited? Even partners of all your friends, or your relatives? I doubt it.

Invite her. To do otherwise will hurt your father.

I feel sorry for your mum but I do think this is a case where she and your dad, plus his new wife, will have to suck it up and forget their personal griefs for the sake of their daughter.

paddlepie · 23/07/2012 11:54

I think you're over thinking it. Invite her, she's your Dad's wife! Ask her and your Dad if she has any preference who she sits with at the meal since your Dad will be at the top table. If she doesn't mind, just sit her with other adults. It will only be for the meal anyway, I'm sure she'll be fine. Surely your family and friends will be civil and nice to someone on their own at their table??

squeakytoy · 23/07/2012 11:57

It is a wedding, not all of your side of the family will know all of his side of the family, and surely there is some relative on one side who will not have a partner, who you can seat her with for the duration of the meal.

80 people is certainly not "intimate".

I do feel sorry for the woman as it sounds like none of the family have made any effort at all to welcome her, and she is in law your stepmother, not a girlfriend of your dad.

2rebecca · 23/07/2012 11:57

Is the granny who calls her cold your father's mother? if so she sounds quite rude. I can't imagine telling my son's adult children (if he has any he's only a teenager now) that I find his current wife cold. that seems very disloyal and hurtful. Plenty of people have a relative, often BIL, SIL etc that they don't get on with. Sometimes appearing cold is just shyness.
Whether or not she knows anyone is her problem not yours. That isn't a reason not to invite her.

Shelby2010 · 23/07/2012 11:59

I don't think many people would describe a wedding with 100 guests (you say 60 friends & 40 family) as 'intimate', so not inviting your SM would be a massive slight! Also your father does have other family - his wife !

YABU if you don't invite her, however you could always have a quiet word with your father, saying that you are happy to see her but would understand if she feels uncomfortable & doesn't want to come.

Original poster
ComeBackasaFlower · 23/07/2012 11:59

Thank you for all these responses. I do wonder if I hadn't N/C and written a less neutral account of the situation more biased from my own PoV if the responses would have been the same, but that was the decision I made when I started this thread, so I have to stand by it.

It feels petty to get into the nitty gritty about seating, but this is a genuine concern. Looking at the guest list, there are distinct family/friend groups who divide very equally into tables, I'm keen that everyone present has the most enjoyable time possible, so seating old friends together, family members together etc. I genuinely cannot see anywhere that she would fit in (see my earlier posts) Do I sit her on the table of my old uni mates? Or on the table of my Aunt, Uncle (mum's brother) and cousins? Or with the best man's wife and DP's school friends and their DWs? It just doesn't fit no matter how I look at it.

you don't like her and you don't want to invite her
That's partly true, yes. From what I have encountered of her, I don't really like her. My sister and her husband don't like her. My Dad's Mum doesn't like her. She was rude in my house too, but I didn't think it would be that relevant to the thread, when really is is. I should have mentioned that before as now it just sounds as though I'm clutching at straws because I don't like the way the thread has gone.

OP posts:
DizzyKipper · 23/07/2012 11:59

My MIL might describe me as "emotionally neutral", in fact she has said that I'm not emotional before. It's not that I'm unemotional, it's that I don't feel comfortable expressing them around her (since it's more likely to lead to further put downs). Perhaps your dad's partner feels similarly?

Original poster
ComeBackasaFlower · 23/07/2012 12:01

Is the granny who calls her cold your father's mother? if so she sounds quite rude. I can't imagine telling my son's adult children (if he has any he's only a teenager now) that I find his current wife cold

She is my Dad's Mum. Dad's wife has rubbed her up the wrong way on several occasions, but she has bitten her tongue with my Dad, instead venting her annoyance about it to me and my sister.

OP posts:
Bongaloo · 23/07/2012 12:01

60 close friends? You might have a problem selling that as 'intimate' to your dad and his wife.

squeakytoy · 23/07/2012 12:01

Has your mother remarried or got a partner who will be going? Where are you seating them if so?

FateLovesTheFearless · 23/07/2012 12:03

Yabu. Your fathers wife. I would never dream of disrespecting my father enough to not invite the woman he chose to marry to the wedding. She hasn't done anything wrong.

Proudnscary · 23/07/2012 12:03

Why would it make a difference if you hadn't namechanged?

Do you mean because you have a lot of friends on here? If so, yes maybe you'd have got more accomodating answers but surely you want the truth?

Or do you mean there is a back story that is relevant to this? In that case, you're not furnishing us with a true picture.

Original poster
ComeBackasaFlower · 23/07/2012 12:03

Sorry, it's not 100, it's 80-90 (90 if everyone rsvps in the positive, anticipating 80) but that's just splitting hairs I know. My sums are awry as I'm trying to respond quickly!

OP posts:
catus · 23/07/2012 12:04

YABU. I am amazed you're even considering not inviting her!
First of all, 80 people is not an intimate affair, and she's not a girlfriend of 3 months, she's his wife.
Second, I'm sorry to say your family sounds unkind. So she is different to them, so what? Is that a reason to activally dislike her and gossip about her behind her back?
It is a wedding, an event where we socialise and make small talk to people we are not always close to. She will probably be fine.

WorraLiberty · 23/07/2012 12:06

Who cares where she sits really?

The meal is just one small part of the reception.

Thank you for all these responses. I do wonder if I hadn't N/C and written a less neutral account of the situation more biased from my own PoV if the responses would have been the same

My response certainly would be.

Rindercella · 23/07/2012 12:07

The wedding is 10 months away. Commit to inviting her and then work out the seating plan nearer the time.

I am sure your SM will find the wedding very stressful herself - going somewhere out of duty when she knows the vast majority of people either don't like her or have nothing in common with her. Not really very nice is it?

If I was worried about anyone, I would be worried about the 'almost militant in their atheism' relatives who would think it appropriate to discuss religion with someone they know have radically opposing views at a wedding.

MainlyMaynie · 23/07/2012 12:07

I am just Grin at the intimate wedding which turns out to have 80 guests. Just 60 of your closest friends eh? I think I''d still be giggling at that if you hadn't name changed.