Dad's wife at wedding AIBU to ask for advice how to handle this

[ComeBackasaFlower]

N/C regular...

I'd prefer not to have my Dad's wife at my wedding.

My Dad remarried about 5 years ago after my parents divorced when I was an adult. I have a very good relationship with him, but his wife is pretty much a stranger to us. Their relationship strikes me more as that of convenient companionship as opposed to any great love match. When I have encountered of her, I've felt she is someone to whom I wouldn't ordinarily warm regardless of circumstances. We have never really had the opportunity or desire to build a relationship, which suits all parties fine for the most part, but when it comes to our (intimate, close friends & family) wedding, it poses a problem as I'm not sure I feel comfortable having a virtual stranger there. Particularly one whose presence is certain to make my Mum feel extremely uncomfortable and for whom my sister and Grandma have very little time (to put it mildly)

I'm also concerned that my Dad will be fulfilling a traditional role on the day, escorting me to the ceremony - giving me away, and helping host the reception, so his wife will be on her own for big swathes of time. The only people at the wedding she knows are my aforementioned sister and grandma, neither of whom will be falling over themselves to make her feel welcome. It's hardly likely to be an enjoyable occasion for her, but she's a bit emotionally neutral, so I think she would just get through it without feeling particularly bothered.

I know I need to have a frank conversation with my Dad since as it stands, I have no idea what his expectations are regarding her attendance. He could be completely in tune with my concerns and have assumed his wife would not attend anyway (although rather unlikely), or equally not have given any thought to any potential issue and be put out at the suggestion she doesn't come. It's very hard to gauge. I know I just have to tread very carefully to ensure this doesn't blow up into a massive, upsetting issue for everyone...

How am I going to handle this? AIBU to ask the advice of strangers on the internet?! Don't want to dripfeed but reluctant to drone on so feel free to ask me to expand on stuff.

"I only added that to emphasis that my Dad doesn't give the impression that he would feel unhappy without her around on any particular occasion"

I think he would at your wedding. I don't know him, but there's huge symbolism here that people really feel. A non-acknowledgment of his marriage, at your wedding is a biggie, IMO,

Invite her. Anything else is unacceptable.

X post caramel. My sentiments exactly

I could have written your OP. I'm getting married in September and I really don't want my dad's wife to be there.
I have spoken to my dad about it, and at least he now knows how I feel about her. My problem is she knows no-one from my family at all (she hasn't spoken to my grandmother, her MIL, for two years). I want my dad to be at the top table with me, but I don't feel like she should be at the top table. She's done nothing for me the whole time she's been married to my dad (since I was a teenager). She doesn't go out of her way to speak to me, my children, or my sister.
I have told my dad I don't want her on the top table or there at all but she's still coming. I know that they'll all be civil, but I just can't stand the woman.

No, I didn't go to their wedding. My Dad said we could if we wanted, but it was a very low-key midweek affair the other end of the country and he made it clear he didn't really expect us to come, particularly since there was hardly any notice and we wouldn't have been able to get the time off work in those circs.

Re: where she sits at the wedding, she won't know a soul

Re: My Mum, she has remained pretty much silent on all of this, short of saying a genuine, heartfelt "whatever you decide to do on the day, I will completely support you" but I know that she will be anxious to the point of illness if she knows Dad's wife is coming. She would never let on though or allow it to spoil the day.

I have no idea where we would sit her.

oops, misedited re: seating her.

"He doesn't really appreciate the dynamics of the relationships involved, and is trying to stay out of it." Wise man!

Right, 80 of your closest family and friends is not really that intimate is it? 15 would be intimate, 80 is a fair sized gathering.

You really must invite your father's wife, who appears to have done nothing wrong other than be a little bit different to the rest of your family. To do otherwise would actually make you appear to be quite an unkind and ungracious person and I am sure you are anything but that. There will be plenty of people at your wedding with whom your step mother can socialise with.

If the worst she has done wrong is make a few inappropriate comments, you have to invite her.

It makes no difference that you Mum and family don't like her, your Dad does like her, she is his wife, and she should be invited.

If you were having a wedding with only parents and siblings, you might have had a valid point about not inviting her, but even then I think it woudo be wrong not to. At a wedding with 80 guests, you do have to invite her. It will be a vary rude snub not to.

I had 80 guests at my wedding, a couple of those were friends of DHs parents that I don't like and didn't really want there. I barely saw them all day. I spoke to them once to thank them for coming and be nice, but it was really very easy to just get on and enjoy the day without their presence being a problem.

Afternoon Delight What did your Dad say when you voiced your concerns? Where are you going to sit her?

Thank you so much for your post.

There will be plenty of people at your wedding with whom your step mother can socialise with.

Like who? 60 or so of mine and DP's 30-something friends? DP's sisters and brothers (almost militant in their atheism) and their children? My Uncle, Auntie and cousins who think she's an oddball? No it's just not that simple.

Caramels post is a good one that I completely agree with.

You cannot create a marriage when you won't respect other people's marriages.

I feel for your mum, I really do, but she sounds like she'll be OK. My MIL had a great time at my wedding, formed a lovely bond with my Nan. I know she was dreading seeing my Step-MIL (and there was an affair involved).

Seating plan will be your friend. Find another religious person

X post - draft in a vicar

Are you having a best man, bridesmaids and ushers, and will any of them be on the top table?

You coud sit her with the other partners of people that will be on the top table, that's what we did.

friends of DHs parents that I don't like and didn't really want there. I barely saw them all day. I spoke to them once to thank them for coming and be nice, but it was really very easy to just get on and enjoy the day without their presence being a problem.

Yes but were these people who a large portion of the guests would prefer weren't there? People who didn't know another soul at the wedding and you had no idea where to sit them?

What, no thanks for our posts?

I feel for your mother, but it is an unfortunate fallout following divorce. Children's weddings, grandchildren's christenings, etc., there will quite likely be the ex's new partner there. Your mother will be fine I am sure, she will just need to keep her dignity and her distance.

Wrt where to sit her. Well, put her on a table of less close family/friends. Definitely not on the top table (I have a stepson, I wouldn't think for a moment I should be on the top table when he gets married). One of the most difficult aspects of our wedding was the bloody seating plans. Try and seek out one or two people who you think she might be able to have a conversation with and sit her on that table. This is a gathering you are hosting, and call me old fashioned, but it should be your duty to make sure all your guests are as comfortable as possible in the given circumstances.

I am sure you will have a lovely day, regardless. But your day will be all the better knowing you have done the right thing. God, that sounds so smug and condescending. I do apologise

I think it would be incredibly rude not to invite her. Stop looking for reasons to make it ok to exclude her.

You coud sit her with the other partners of people that will be on the top table

On our table will just be our parents, My Grandma (Dad's Mum) and the best man. The best man's wife will have a 4yo and 3m/o so I am making sure she is sitting with close friends of hers (and ours) who will be able to help her out a bit and won't mind messy kids shrieking at their table.

I do think you should consider how your DM might feel about it, she too has a big role in the day's events. If she's OK with it, then fine, obviously, but if it will upset her then perhaps you should tell your Dad that it's a difficult situation, and that your Mum is unhappy. See what he has to say, he might agree to her not coming.

My Dad pretty much just sat and listened (I'd brought my sister along for support). I tried to explain to him, without trying to be nasty, the reasons why we don't like her and the way she has affected our relationship with him, and in turn, with my children.
I also explained the seating arrangements to him and told him I didn't want her at the top table. When I explained my reasons why, he did agree with me.

Unfortunately my Dad is very much a "bury his head in the sand" type of person, so he didn't offer any practical solutions. He has now started wailing about the "huge rift" in our family because me and my sister don't like his wife (absolutely nothing has changed in our interaction with him and her since we spoke).

As an alternative, I am proposing a top table in which she sits next to my dad, but on the end. Failing that, we are going to arrange the tables like a huge E shape, and she'll be on the first seat next to the top table (hope that makes sense). I know it sounds petty but it's a huge deal to me.

When I was a 30 something I could happily get on/socialise with people my parents age at such a function.

As for the atheists-tell them-and your step mum not to talk about religion!

You seem to be looking for problems where there are none.

She´s an adult who will be seated with other adults!

God sorry you're right Jamie, thanks all for your posts! Genuinely. I loathe aibu posters who only want justification for their unreasonable actions.

I'm just trying to tread a file line here of presenting a fair account of the situation, and explaining why I really don't want her to come.

Your family sound delightful; ostracising the woman because she is an "oddball". So she's different from you, your father loves her and is married to her, try having some respect for him if you can't find any for her.

Well, it is that simple isn't it? You have a duty to invite your step mother - who you are at pains to stress how you are keeping an open mind about - to your wedding of 80. There will be people who don't get on, and they will avoid each other. Your step mother is an adult, who is able to hold a conversation. I am sure she will cope very well. Once invited you really don't have to worry about her.