Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dad's wife at wedding AIBU to ask for advice how to handle this

595 replies

ComeBackasaFlower · 23/07/2012 11:05

N/C regular...

I'd prefer not to have my Dad's wife at my wedding.

My Dad remarried about 5 years ago after my parents divorced when I was an adult. I have a very good relationship with him, but his wife is pretty much a stranger to us. Their relationship strikes me more as that of convenient companionship as opposed to any great love match. When I have encountered of her, I've felt she is someone to whom I wouldn't ordinarily warm regardless of circumstances. We have never really had the opportunity or desire to build a relationship, which suits all parties fine for the most part, but when it comes to our (intimate, close friends & family) wedding, it poses a problem as I'm not sure I feel comfortable having a virtual stranger there. Particularly one whose presence is certain to make my Mum feel extremely uncomfortable and for whom my sister and Grandma have very little time (to put it mildly)

I'm also concerned that my Dad will be fulfilling a traditional role on the day, escorting me to the ceremony - giving me away, and helping host the reception, so his wife will be on her own for big swathes of time. The only people at the wedding she knows are my aforementioned sister and grandma, neither of whom will be falling over themselves to make her feel welcome. It's hardly likely to be an enjoyable occasion for her, but she's a bit emotionally neutral, so I think she would just get through it without feeling particularly bothered.

I know I need to have a frank conversation with my Dad since as it stands, I have no idea what his expectations are regarding her attendance. He could be completely in tune with my concerns and have assumed his wife would not attend anyway (although rather unlikely), or equally not have given any thought to any potential issue and be put out at the suggestion she doesn't come. It's very hard to gauge. I know I just have to tread very carefully to ensure this doesn't blow up into a massive, upsetting issue for everyone...

How am I going to handle this? AIBU to ask the advice of strangers on the internet?! Don't want to dripfeed but reluctant to drone on so feel free to ask me to expand on stuff.

OP posts:
Original poster
ComeBackasaFlower · 23/07/2012 12:57

It is not for you to judge whether their marriage is 'worthy' or not, it was their choice and it should be respected.

It was others on the thread who brought my views toward his marriage into all this. I just said theirs is more a relationship of companionable convenience more than anything, an impression that has been instigated and reinforced by my Dad.

OP posts:
Sighingagain · 23/07/2012 12:57

Your dads affair wasn't with his current wife though so that's got nothing to dO with not inviting her

Sighingagain · 23/07/2012 12:58

Your dad sounds like a complete waste of space - no wonder his wife feels uncomfortable.

QuickLookBusy · 23/07/2012 13:00

If you are really intent on this, I would ask your Dad "would you like your wife to come to my wedding?" But be warned, he will probably be very shocked you are even asking.

Original poster
ComeBackasaFlower · 23/07/2012 13:03

What's she ever done to your mum?
On the one occasion she met my Mum, she made disparaging comments to her about her grandson's Christening. Not the best first impression.

It's not that my mum has reason to dislike her or not, it's how my Mum feels on the day with my Dad's wife there. It may be irrational to an outsider, but it is how she feels and I respect that.

you seem to be just looking for excuses

I'm just stating facts.

OP posts:
OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 23/07/2012 13:03

It sounds like your Mum has issues with anxiety that are going to worry you understandably, but she does not expect people to revolve their plans around her to accommodate that.

Your Mums anxiety issues are not this woman's, or your Dads fault, and are not a good reason to treat them so badly.

OP, I do understand how you feel, I really do. My step dad was horrible to me when I was a child, not in a way that woudo give SS concern, but in enough of a way that growing up with him around was far from ideal. When I moved out of home at 17, I chose not to speak to him for another few years until ds was a toddler and I started wanting to spend time at my Mums house again. At one point, he had an affair and he split with my Mum, so for those reasons, and his general demeanour of not being a particularly nice person (it woudo take forever to expanding everything), my Mums family hated him. My uncles (mums brothers) wanted to find him and knock him out at one point.

But then he and my Mum worked out their differences and got married. He came to my wedding because it would have been horrible to my Mum to not invite him. The rest of the family were polite to him. It was a wonderful day. Inviting him was by far the best thing to do, and looking back, it really made no difference to my enjoyment of the day, or that of my family at all. If it had, then that would have been because of them, not because of my descision to do the right thing.

catus · 23/07/2012 13:03

Ok, you're still trying to find excuses. The bottom line is : she is your dad's wife, so she is invited.
You're in danger of ruining your wedding day by going on and on about this. You've got time to put a plan in place to manage her on the day, like by asking a few trusted friends to make conversation with her (this is not a big deal to ask, BTW, don't feel bad about it).
At the moment, it looks like instead of trying to solve a minor and very common problem, you're trying to create big and unsolvable ones. Sorry, maybe it's a bit harsh but it would be a shame to not enjoy your wedding day because of this.

Original poster
ComeBackasaFlower · 23/07/2012 13:03

If you are really intent on this, I would ask your Dad "would you like your wife to come to my wedding?" But be warned, he will probably be very shocked you are even asking.

I thought that too.

OP posts:
QuickLookBusy · 23/07/2012 13:08

Comeback, do you mean you thought about asking your Dad or that you thought he would be shocked you are asking?

Original poster
ComeBackasaFlower · 23/07/2012 13:08

Thanks for sharing that, Outraged

The bottom line is : she is your dad's wife, so she is invited. Why though is this such an automatic assumption?

What I think a lot of people are missing (because I haven't conveyed it properly) is that I genuinely think there's a good chance my Dad might actually see the reasoning behind us preferring her not to attend.

it isn't a minor problem. It's a major issue, the only issue with our wedding. My Mum, Dad's Mum and sister will be extremely uncomfortable if she attends. I'm not keen on the idea of her attending.

So I guess what your saying is if these concerns are that important to me, I have to accept that this could well spell the end of my relationship with my Dad. That's it isn't it. Sad

OP posts:
JennerOSity · 23/07/2012 13:09

Great post outraged

JennerOSity · 23/07/2012 13:12

Their discomfort is for one day, albeit a day which makes lasting memories; while excluding her is in effect telling her, in no uncertain terms, she is not liked or welcome in the family - that will last a lifetime.

It is up to you to pick out which matters most, which is not so simple.

JamieandTheOlympicTorch · 23/07/2012 13:13

I have been thinking a bit more and 2 things occur

  1. Ask your dad. I wonder why you have not done that - are you as certain as you have said, that he wouldn't mind?
  2. Exclude her, which is up to you. But do it knowing the implications - that you are pretty much saying you have no relationship with her, and will never have one, Which is fine, as long as you know that. This is because, regardless of what your dad says, I suspect she'd be hurt. Or see it as a sign that you and she mean nothing to each other - to put it in a less emotional way.

Having made decisions at my own wedding that I now regret, because I didn't think it through enough. I just want to caution you.

catus · 23/07/2012 13:14

But why would your family be that uncomfortable that it prevents them from enjoying the wedding? There will be 80 to 90 guests, that's plenty enough to avoid people you're not keen on!
She is not a nice person, but so what?
It all sounds like over dramatization. Why would it spell the end of your relationship with your dad?!

paddlepie · 23/07/2012 13:15

Does she have any children of her own or maybe a sister who you could invite so she is not left on her own? Is that an option?

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 23/07/2012 13:15

The automatic assumption is that she is invited as your Dads wife because it is considered polite to invite married couples as couples to weddings, because to not invite is a snub, and disrespectful of your Dads relationship, and because not inviting her sends a very strong message that if she is not welcome at your wedding then she is not welcome in your life.

And yes, if your Dad is a half decent husband to her, then it will affect your relationship with him, because you aren't a child any more and you have to accept his choices as much as he has to accept yours.

I don't understand why all these people will be so extremely uncomfortable with her there. She's just a bit unpleasant, she's not the child snatcher! Why is it going to be that hard for them to be at the same very busy day with her when there will also be at least 80 other people around?

QuickLookBusy · 23/07/2012 13:15

I think your Mum, Dad's mum and sister are making this very hard for you. They should be supporting you and helping you enjoy your day. Every family wedding has people who others don't get on with. But most people accept this and just get on with it.

It's YOUR wedding day, not your Mums/Grans/sisters.

JamieandTheOlympicTorch · 23/07/2012 13:15

P.S. thankyou for thanking us. I do have sympathy. But I just think there are ways around this. My answer would not be different if I knew who you are. I can tell you are trying to do your best. I still think YABU!

TheCraicDealer · 23/07/2012 13:16

I think you need to give her the option of saying "no" tbh. If you don't invite her you will be the baddie for forever and a day, this is the type of stuff family rifts are made of. It doesn't sound like your Dad's wife really wants to go anyway, there's every chance she might politely decline.

It doesn't sound like she's done much wrong, apart from be a tad rude. I don't really get why your Mum feels so strongly about her being there...she wasn't involved in their break-up, everyone prefers her anyway, no animosity between ex's, etc.

Sighingagain · 23/07/2012 13:19

Based on what you have said about your dad so far - he sounds like a selfish prick - he may be ok with you not inviting his wife she may not be ok - disparaging comments about a catholic christening - stock in trade sadly (am catholic) - not a reason to do something so rude.

Not inviting your dads wife to a large wedding (and lose the small wedding idea) is a huge thing, it's insulting and it's cruel.

If you can live with that - fine, if you wish to undermine and damage your dads marriage - and if he agrees to this then that will damage it immensely - that's fine too.

If you want to be cruel to someone who hasnt done anyone any harm - that's fine too.

But remember in life you tend to reap what you sow. I wonder why exactly your mother has such issues with a woman she doesn't even know.

twofurryones · 23/07/2012 13:20

Your mum and your sister need to be the bigger people here, if they react badly to your Dad's wife being invited, it is not your Dad or his wife's fault that they react this way it is theirs and in doing so it is your feelings about your wedding day that they are disregarding.

Stop drip feeding and stop looking for confirmation that not inviting her won't be extremely rude, you're not going to find it here.

By all means speak to your Dad about this or just don't invite her but accept that this is likely to have Unpleasant consequences, far more so than inviting her would do.

Bongaloo · 23/07/2012 13:20

Well your mum, your dad's mum and your sister have at least all got each other there - so they can all roll their eyes and tut amongst themselves about her for the day.

badtime · 23/07/2012 13:20

I still don't understand why your mother would be so anxious about your stepmother attending, and why you are not thinking that perhaps, in this case, your mother's reaction is unreasonable.

What you need to decide is whether making some of your relatives feel 'uncomfortable' would be worse than how you make your dad feel by not inviting his wife.
There is a good chance he would feel a lot more than uncomfortable.

If, as seems to be the case, you are determined to find a good reason to keep your stepmother away from your wedding, you might just have to bring this up with your dad at this stage.

Original poster
ComeBackasaFlower · 23/07/2012 13:21

1) Ask your dad. I wonder why you have not done that - are you as certain as you have said, that he wouldn't mind? No I have not said I'm certain. I've said it's hard to gage, but there's a good chance he might be ok with it. I say this because he gives us the impression she is just a convenient companion rather than his soulmate-life-partner-most-important-person-in-his-world. I've not spoken to him about it yet because I want to explore the implications, possible outcomes etc (hence coming on here!)

excluding her is in effect telling her, in no uncertain terms, she is not liked or welcome in the family
But that's pretty much the truth, harsh as it sounds.

Having made decisions at my own wedding that I now regret, because I didn't think it through enough. I just want to caution you.

Precisely. This is why I am making such a 'fuss' of this.

Why would it spell the end of your relationship with your dad?! well that's the impression I'm getting from the responses on this thread if I don't invite her.

OP posts:
JennerOSity · 23/07/2012 13:24

" excluding her is in effect telling her, in no uncertain terms, she is not liked or welcome in the family
But that's pretty much the truth, harsh as it sounds."

Well that makes it less of a dilemma then? So long as you don't mind blatantly making that point, and your Dad won't be hurt, you can keep your other relatives happy without a qualm. No?