Dad's wife at wedding AIBU to ask for advice how to handle this

[ComeBackasaFlower]

N/C regular...

I'd prefer not to have my Dad's wife at my wedding.

My Dad remarried about 5 years ago after my parents divorced when I was an adult. I have a very good relationship with him, but his wife is pretty much a stranger to us. Their relationship strikes me more as that of convenient companionship as opposed to any great love match. When I have encountered of her, I've felt she is someone to whom I wouldn't ordinarily warm regardless of circumstances. We have never really had the opportunity or desire to build a relationship, which suits all parties fine for the most part, but when it comes to our (intimate, close friends & family) wedding, it poses a problem as I'm not sure I feel comfortable having a virtual stranger there. Particularly one whose presence is certain to make my Mum feel extremely uncomfortable and for whom my sister and Grandma have very little time (to put it mildly)

I'm also concerned that my Dad will be fulfilling a traditional role on the day, escorting me to the ceremony - giving me away, and helping host the reception, so his wife will be on her own for big swathes of time. The only people at the wedding she knows are my aforementioned sister and grandma, neither of whom will be falling over themselves to make her feel welcome. It's hardly likely to be an enjoyable occasion for her, but she's a bit emotionally neutral, so I think she would just get through it without feeling particularly bothered.

I know I need to have a frank conversation with my Dad since as it stands, I have no idea what his expectations are regarding her attendance. He could be completely in tune with my concerns and have assumed his wife would not attend anyway (although rather unlikely), or equally not have given any thought to any potential issue and be put out at the suggestion she doesn't come. It's very hard to gauge. I know I just have to tread very carefully to ensure this doesn't blow up into a massive, upsetting issue for everyone...

How am I going to handle this? AIBU to ask the advice of strangers on the internet?! Don't want to dripfeed but reluctant to drone on so feel free to ask me to expand on stuff.

...because now we have, mum is detatched, over him, not interested in him wittering on and capable of setting boundaries... and dad is nuanced, insightful, capable of sensitivity... so back to plan A?! Just tell dad the responsible role you'd like him to play at your wedding is to keep mum and SM apart on the day and keep everyone dignified and... what's the problem?

And if she really really wanted to get rid of your dad on the phone then she'd have caller screening or just say, "got to go, bye." And I reckon she might just cope if you invited your dad's wife to the wedding.

None of you seem capable of standing up to someone who had been rude to you and your mother expects you to shoulder responsibility for her problems. Lawks.

Run away just you and your soon to be dh. And emigrate. Will this happen again and again? One day you just might get hacked off with it all.

What happens when you have a child, how will you cope with a christening function?

I think you're being a bit naive about the selflessness of your mum, sister and grandma btw. If they were properly selfless they would support you in the need for you to invite her to the wedding rather than making it all about them and how her presence would ruin their day.

No hang on, pretend to be all hurt? what I was getting at earlier was that telling him your reasons for cancelling would surely be intentionally hurting him. Why would he be faking if you lay a guilt trip on him?

Squeaky you've seemed to be disparaging and unconvinced by the suggestion of close relationships throughout this thread. We're all close, we look out for each other and care about each other's feelings. Hw is that odd? Nothing I've said suggests that My Mum encourages us to be protective toward her.

If you do talk to your dad, you have to consider that he might well say "She's my wife, I want her there for the whole event"- in which case you decide between you how to manage the discomfort this would cause. You're right. I will bear this in mind

Why doesn't your mother change her phone number, or get caller ID and not take his calls, if he keeps annoying her by phoning so often and for so long? It's not as if she has to speak to him anymore. They don't need to have a relationship.

What happens when you have a child, how will you cope with a christening function? We are atheists. There will be no such function.

"No hang on, pretend to be all hurt? what I was getting at earlier was that telling him your reasons for cancelling would surely be intentionally hurting him. Why would he be faking if you lay a guilt trip on him?" No, when I made reference to him "pretending to be all hurt" that was in relation to when my Mum gives him short shrift on the phone. Nothing to do with when I tell him my reasons for cancelling.

Sorry I misread there, just seen that was in response to the hanging up the phone, not what I thought. Time for bed.

Op it's natural - even normal - that daughters rally round their mum after dad cheats on her and the marriage ends. All you describe is normal. But TBH if your mum is gently dissing your father to you and is tricksy about his wife, she's not helping you build positive family relationships, now is she? Most of us have family ties that aren't pure and noble in every aspect at all times, nothing wrong with that. But surely just letting it go is best. Your Dad's wife doesn't need to be a big issue in anyone's life. Most of us have vaguely annoying relatives. If I were you, I'd just be glad that 1) she wasn't your stepmother when you were young enough for it to massively impact on your life, and 2) she isn't your MIL, because then you'd REALLY have problems!

get caller ID and not take his calls she often doesn't. But when he is persistent, she sometimes worries that it could be an issue with his Mum, so will answer. Or other times she might not have her glasses on, whatever. You know what it's like. Why should she change HER number and go through all the inconvenience that involves?

OP, sorry but that's sophistry. All she has to say is, "Something in the oven, got to go!" Or, "That's the door - if it's nothing important I'll say take care and bye now!"

She talks to him that much because she wants to. Or she wouldn't.

Oh I would say it sounds like your Mum does love all this drama.. and enjoys mocking him with the rest of the women..

Ha Perfect Don't get me started on the MiL (only kidding - or am I?!)

Look you lot, regardless of your stance, I do really appreciate you all sticking with this and helping me talk it through. That was all I was really looking for from this thread. I'm not a spiteful, malicious person. Someone has already PMed me saying they've worked out who I am and can't believe the rough ride I've had and had I posted as my usual name it wouldn't have been nearly so bad. But I'm glad I did as I've had a more honest reaction from you all. Certain individuals though I've really seen in a different light! That's all beside the point though and I really don't want to dangle silly guess-the-poster carrots.

We all ought to just put this - and ourselves to bed for now.

Thanks again :)

All the best & hope it works out for you

It's not that big a deal to change number or check who's calling. Yet she's making out his calling her is a pita? Which is it?

Well I've just read the whole thread from start to finish and I'll add my tuppenceworth by saying that I still think YABcompletelyU, spiteful and childish. And I think your 'plan' may backfire, in that you will be left with your tiny, uneventful wedding, granted, without your stepmum there. But mum and dad won't get to play happy families for the day, as if your dad thought her important enough to marry, then he will undoubtedly think her important enough not to exclude from his daughters wedding.

The whole family sound petty and immature and tbh your stepmum is missing not one single thing by being excluded from them. Fwiw, elderly people can be very stuck in their ways, and because your sm is not your mum, it is likely that nothing she could have done would have been 'right' or 'good enough', causing poor dear grandma to feel like a burden. It's quite unnatural to stay so close to your sons ex wife when he has a new wife/family, and pretty rude and insensitive to boot, so maybe it's not surprising that sm, possibly subconsciously, didn't welcome dear grandma with open arms, when she already felt she would never 'fit' as well as the ex dil did!! Anyway, I don't think I've ever read such a unanimous YABU which has been so dismissed and cherry picked by the OP.

Oh, and I think that your parting shot of 'if I'd kept my regular nn, people would have agreed with me' is arrogant to say the least, and I for one wouldn't care if The Queen herself had posted this thread, my opinion wouldn't change one jot.

I do realise that this sounds harsh, and I'm generally not unnecessarily so, but this thread, and OP, your attitude has incensed me for some reason, and better to be honest.

So what are you going to tell your mother about why you have drastically cut back the wedding plans? How do you think she will feel about you having a quick thing with a couple of witnesses when she knows your wide circle of 80 close friends so well? How will she feel about it all having been cancelled to save her feelings? Not migraine or anxiety-inducing at all

Ah, but I suspect the OP has no intention of ^actually going through* with the 'just DF and I and witnesses' (unless of course she ends up having a dozen or more "witnesses" and is just using the word "witness" in place of "guest"). No, this looks like a tactic - blame dad for her own poor social skills, and count on him giving in and coming without his wife, but still giving OP the contribution she wants for the larger celebration.

Calling it a "celebration" actually seems a bit perverse, given the pettyness and manipulation behind it all. Shameful.

Comeback I hope it all works out and you have a lovely wedding.

I have read every post on this thread, God help me. Gonna have to step away now cos I'm getting outraged on behalf of the stepmum.

Op, your attitude, and that of your little family clique, is despicable, childish, selfish and downright nasty. Shame on you all

You say you really wanted to listen to the responses on here, but despite an overwhleming majority disagreeing with you, your attitude actually seems to have hardened. I suggest you reread this thread, and bear in mind that these are the responses you got trying to put your side across, imagine if your stepmother got her say.

No I wouldn't change my opinion based on a regular posting name and also - as a parent - I would be ashamed of my self if I involved any of my children in my affairs like this and used them as emotional crutches.

As a divorced parent - I would be ashamed of myself if I raised my children to be so insensitive to others feelings. I would never - ever even want my children to treat their dads new wife with such huge disrespect - partly because it would reflect badly on me.

The person at fault here is your dad - punishing his wife avoids the real issues.

Wow, just read this entire thread. Absolutely crazy. Poor, poor woman who appears to be guilty of:

• marrying a single man who AGREED to marry her. Their reasons for marriage are their own.
• being a born again Christian.
• chatting to SIL like they were old friends.
• living too far away to build a cosy relationship with husband's family.
• showing such interest in OP's garden she was willing to wade through dog shit to see it.
• offered up information about her own culture and customs.

BITCH!

This whole thing makes no sense. I kept reading in the hope OP would let slip that SM was actually Rose West or similar.

comeback I had a hell of a time planning the seating arrangement for our wedding. It's so frustrating when you look at it all and it'd work perfectly if only you could chuck a couple of people out.
Wedding planning was way more stressful than I thought it was going to be but practically everything I worried about in the year leading upto the wedding didn't matter at all on the day.
Invite your dad's wife.
Put her on the end of the top table so she is only next to your dad.
Nobody will be upset by her presence. Nothing you've said gives the impression that her being there will cause anyone to be so annoyed at her inclusion that it ruins the occasion. They will be far too busy enjoying the day, admiring your dress, listening to speeches and celebrating you and your DP becoming man and wife.

I don't doubt the strength of your feelings. I'm just surprised that you don't seem to see how you are projecting onto your dad's wife some serious family dysfunctions that are nothing to do with her. Sure, she doesn't sound my idea of fun, but this is not really about her, is it?

My alarm bells were set off when you started eulogising your mum - an incredible, strong person, who has a happy full life and is completely over your father, but who is also so fragile that she will be made ill by having to share a room with her ex's new wife? Who would never want to worry you and never tells you her problems, yet the whole family seems united in wanting to protect her from her own stuff, and is worried sick that she will fall ill if anything will ruffle her feathers? And then I read that you feel responsible for your father leaving, and it becomes clearer and clearer that there is a family dance going on and ancient tensions are being projected onto this woman (who, very conveniently for all of you, sounds socially inept but is sussed enough to detect some of what is going on and so generally keeps her distance).

You'll do whatever you want to do with the wedding, but I really urge you to think more deeply about what is going on here, and deal with the real issues in your family, which were certainly not introduced by dog poo lady.