Dad's wife at wedding AIBU to ask for advice how to handle this

[ComeBackasaFlower]

N/C regular...

I'd prefer not to have my Dad's wife at my wedding.

My Dad remarried about 5 years ago after my parents divorced when I was an adult. I have a very good relationship with him, but his wife is pretty much a stranger to us. Their relationship strikes me more as that of convenient companionship as opposed to any great love match. When I have encountered of her, I've felt she is someone to whom I wouldn't ordinarily warm regardless of circumstances. We have never really had the opportunity or desire to build a relationship, which suits all parties fine for the most part, but when it comes to our (intimate, close friends & family) wedding, it poses a problem as I'm not sure I feel comfortable having a virtual stranger there. Particularly one whose presence is certain to make my Mum feel extremely uncomfortable and for whom my sister and Grandma have very little time (to put it mildly)

I'm also concerned that my Dad will be fulfilling a traditional role on the day, escorting me to the ceremony - giving me away, and helping host the reception, so his wife will be on her own for big swathes of time. The only people at the wedding she knows are my aforementioned sister and grandma, neither of whom will be falling over themselves to make her feel welcome. It's hardly likely to be an enjoyable occasion for her, but she's a bit emotionally neutral, so I think she would just get through it without feeling particularly bothered.

I know I need to have a frank conversation with my Dad since as it stands, I have no idea what his expectations are regarding her attendance. He could be completely in tune with my concerns and have assumed his wife would not attend anyway (although rather unlikely), or equally not have given any thought to any potential issue and be put out at the suggestion she doesn't come. It's very hard to gauge. I know I just have to tread very carefully to ensure this doesn't blow up into a massive, upsetting issue for everyone...

How am I going to handle this? AIBU to ask the advice of strangers on the internet?! Don't want to dripfeed but reluctant to drone on so feel free to ask me to expand on stuff.

That's the thing though, if she is not a martyr it is you who are pushing her into a martyr role by cancelling the whole thing on her account.

Sorry x post with second row

You're not seriously weird. You sound like someone who is very caring and loving.

Your dad behaved badly having an affair. Your mum clearly couldn't cope so you took over. But you mended your relationship with your dad. You love him. You're risking the relationship again because your mum can't cope.

Will her every fragility dictate your choices? I just think that she is grown up and she needs to detach from your dad. Perhaps the regular contact between them is enjoyable for her? She may think he's still chasing her to get her back? Nice flattery that is dissolved by the presence of his wife at your wedding?

Who knows? But that kind of thing is what I meant by there is more behind this. And you are not privy to it.

I think you keep it straightforward - have your wedding the way you planned. Tell your mother who is invited. She simply has to deal with it as a grown woman who has moved on. Why would she be so paralysed by this? It's faintly ridiculous.

And yet none of that has absolutely anything to do with your dads wife. No I didn't say it did, but it was suggested that there might be more to it, people can't quite grasp my mum's role in it all or why I'm so worried about her.

what is your mum going to say when you tell her that step mum hasn't been invited to the 80 guest wedding she would be enormously relieved but would probably say "oh are you sure? Ok then, if that's what you think would be for the best" or that the big wedding was cancelled due to the need to protect her fragility. I would never tell her that was the case. I'd just tell her what I tell everyone else, that it became too complicated so we decided to marry just the two of us. We'd probably have DP's parents and my Mum as witnesses. (I'd already have told my dad that my original plans for a big wedding where he gave me away just aren't feasible due to the family dynamic)

So it's just your dad that you'll tell directly it's because of him and his wife?

I don't think your mum is as selfless as you describe. You know exactly how she feels about the situation and how she would react. I think if she were truly selfless, you would be unaware.

Will her every fragility dictate your choices? I just think that she is grown up and she needs to detach from your dad. Perhaps the regular contact between them is enjoyable for her? She may think he's still chasing her to get her back? Nice flattery that is dissolved by the presence of his wife at your wedding?

No, I have talked this through with DP this evening and we have concluded it is my Dad who needs to detach. She doesn't want to be chased. She really IS happy on her own, but he won't just leave her be. I thin if he had just kept out of her hair for the last 5 years she wouldn't be in this state and we wouldn't be having this conversation.

"It took a long time to forgive him and trust him again, even like him again"

"I pretty much told my Dad to get out, as my Mum wasn't up to it."

It sounds like you were very much over-involved in their breakup. He betrayed your mother, he was married to her, not you.

Look, your mum and your sister and your gran do not even have to talk to your stepmother.

In the situation I know of, where the stepmother was not invited, one of the reasons given was that the mother would be upset by her presence. Frankly, the mother couldn't have cared less whether the SM was there or not- but she was damn annoyed about being dragged into the row and feeling as though the blame was being pinned on her . It sounds as though you are now starting down the road of making your mum, gran and sister take responsibility for you not inviting your SM- and that's not fair. They are grown ups, I'm sure they can manage to avoid your SM if they don't feel able to exchange pleasantries. If SM made gran feel unwelcome, then gran never has to visit them again- but excluding SM from your wedding is not going to make the situation any better.

The sensible thing to do is to say to your dad " I really want you there Dad, and although I know SM doesn't get on with everyone else in the family I understand that she should be invited, that this could be a way to mend bridges, and that you want your wife's company at a family occasion. However, I fear that SM may be uncomfortable, and I'm worried about how to help mum, sister and gran deal with her presence. What's your view Dad?"

Let your dad have a chance to say what he thinks - he might come up with something you haven't thought of (e.g. SM comes to the ceremony but goes back to her hotel during the reception, if she feels uncomfortable around family members).

I'm not sure I do support your view though! I think you do have to invite her, but, umm.... there is more than one way to skin a cat, if you know what I mean!

So it's just your dad that you'll tell directly it's because of him and his wife? I guess. I'll tell him I just think that given the dynamics it will just be too hard to have everyone there together. He'll understand that.

You know exactly how she feels about the situation and how she would react. I get your point Winky it's just because I know her so well. She genuinely tries so hard to mask her feelings. So much so when we first got engaged and I was pretty dismissive and nonplussed about what our plans were and would they include Dad and Dad's wife one way or the other, she almost had me convinced she genuinely wasn't bothered. It was only when my sister pointed out that it was likely to make my Mum ill with stress and anxiety that I realised she was right, and I could read between the lines.

Was it an affair? I thought ComeBack had said it wasn't- have I misread?

Completely agree with inertia

The sensible thing to do is to say to your dad.......etc etc etc he might come up with something you haven't thought of

YES - this is what I wanted from this thread. Thank you

My Dad had an affair Inertia. But his now wife wasn't the OW.

Actually the anecdote earlier when your dad said "what's wrong with mum?" because she cut him off or hung up on him was quite funny. It does sound like he can't believe she could have had enough of him! Maybe your mum is doing just fine at detaching.

Does your mum become ill through anxiety regularly ComeBack? Just pondering whether she has deeper-seated anxiety issues, rather than specific anxiety issues around your SM- if so, how likely is it that the whole wedding scenario (which flowers, bridesmaids etc) will bring about an episode of anxiety?

She does it all the time, Second! He peeves her. She is quite short to the point of rudeness on the phone to him but he just thinks it's funny.

But wait, now you think your dad will understand the awkwardness, despite earlier saying he lacked the emotional intelligence to put himself into the other protagonists shoes? I thought he was going to say SM will be fine, just sit her wherever?

Or he'll pretend to be all hurt "Oh don't be like that"

We don't analyse his calls every minute of the day, just often she'll say 'Oh couldn't' get rid of your dad off the phone the other night, the twerp,' and recount their conversations, for comedy value more than anything.

Why do you have any need to feel guilty about your Dad's affair? Why are you taking responsibility for your brother's bad behaviour? Neither of them have anything to do with you.

Look I get that weddings with separated parents and new partners are hard, but you don't need to take on this level of responsibility for how other people feel. You have a relationship with both your parents and I assume from your OP that you want both of them there. But your Dad's wife is not the one potentially ruining what could be a lovely wedding, you are by allowing your family's feelings to take precedent over yours. If inviting her facilitates you having your Dad there and you continuing to have a good relationship then that is what you need to do. Your family just need to respect that, and as I've said about a hundred times now once they day is here they will probably be too caught up in enjoying themselves to care if she does accept your invitation.

My mum threatened not to come to my wedding because my dad was coming, I told her fine if that is what she wanted then to not come, she changed her mind when she realised i wasn't open to emotional blackmail, this is despite my dad being a total arse, I just wasn't prepared to choose between my parents.

precisely, second He's really hard to predict. He's really intelligent, and quick-witted, but also a bit laking in empathy. It's anyone's guess how it will go...

"We don't analyse his calls every minute of the day, just often she'll say 'Oh couldn't' get rid of your dad off the phone the other night, the twerp,' and recount their conversations, for comedy value more than anything."

There is something rather odd about this situation where you are clearly part of a gang with your mother, sister, and your dads own mother.. as if you are all playing some game against him, punishing him for his errors, and keeping him dangling on a string playing for your affections.. ALL of you.

You seem to have a very close, almost too close, relationship with your mother, where you seem to wrap her in cotton wool, fight her battles for her, and she seems to encourage it too.

So why on earth is it SUCH a big deal if his wife comes to the wedding then?

She cannot get on famously with every single guest at your wedding?

I'd step away from her drama over this. It's hers, not yours. She's making it yours though and making you feel responsible. That, IMO, is manipulative ad far far from selfless.

Ah, I see. Because it seemed to me that your position might be more understandable if she had been the OW. TBH, it sounds as though she is lacking in social skills (whether intentionally or not) and how to interact with other people- and excluding her from the wedding is unlikely to improve matters for everybody.

If you do talk to your dad, you have to consider that he might well say "She's my wife, I want her there for the whole event"- in which case you decide between you how to manage the discomfort this would cause.