Dad's wife at wedding AIBU to ask for advice how to handle this

[ComeBackasaFlower]

N/C regular...

I'd prefer not to have my Dad's wife at my wedding.

My Dad remarried about 5 years ago after my parents divorced when I was an adult. I have a very good relationship with him, but his wife is pretty much a stranger to us. Their relationship strikes me more as that of convenient companionship as opposed to any great love match. When I have encountered of her, I've felt she is someone to whom I wouldn't ordinarily warm regardless of circumstances. We have never really had the opportunity or desire to build a relationship, which suits all parties fine for the most part, but when it comes to our (intimate, close friends & family) wedding, it poses a problem as I'm not sure I feel comfortable having a virtual stranger there. Particularly one whose presence is certain to make my Mum feel extremely uncomfortable and for whom my sister and Grandma have very little time (to put it mildly)

I'm also concerned that my Dad will be fulfilling a traditional role on the day, escorting me to the ceremony - giving me away, and helping host the reception, so his wife will be on her own for big swathes of time. The only people at the wedding she knows are my aforementioned sister and grandma, neither of whom will be falling over themselves to make her feel welcome. It's hardly likely to be an enjoyable occasion for her, but she's a bit emotionally neutral, so I think she would just get through it without feeling particularly bothered.

I know I need to have a frank conversation with my Dad since as it stands, I have no idea what his expectations are regarding her attendance. He could be completely in tune with my concerns and have assumed his wife would not attend anyway (although rather unlikely), or equally not have given any thought to any potential issue and be put out at the suggestion she doesn't come. It's very hard to gauge. I know I just have to tread very carefully to ensure this doesn't blow up into a massive, upsetting issue for everyone...

How am I going to handle this? AIBU to ask the advice of strangers on the internet?! Don't want to dripfeed but reluctant to drone on so feel free to ask me to expand on stuff.

If my mum belittled my dad snidely and made fun of him during and after conversations, and tried to slowly manipulate my perception of him, and called him names, and tried to manipulate the situation to get her way over my wedding, I would have very little respect for her.

She's done that.
You think of your dad as a bit of a dim twerp who has just settled for convenience but is obviously still in love with her.

I don't think it's the wife with the problem tbh... if your mum had a husband of five years I bet you wouldn't dream of not inviting him even if your dad was uncomfortable.

Because he is just a 'twerp' right? That's true snidey manipulation there. They have affected your whole mindset

Bonkers. Totally and utterly bonkers.

OP, I am sure you are lovely, but on this thread you are coming across as behaving totally irrationally. You seem prepared to set a little bomb under your whole family for the sake of what will probably be a couple of minutes' uncomfortable conversation between your father's wife and your mother. The ramifications of what you are suggesting could be huge and cause years and years of upset and bad feeling. Family fallouts are shit, painful, awkward. The effects through the family ripple go on, more distant relatives become embroiled and that's when it becomes really bloody uncomfortable. Why would you actively choose that to happen? I am genuinely baffled.

There is not a single thing you have said about your SM that warrants you intentionally excluding her from your wedding. Not a single thing. Your wanting to change your entire wedding plans, to not get married with your extremely close knit group of friends & family looking on because of this woman is quite frankly bonkers. You will spoil the day for everyone, but mostly you will spoil it for you and your DP. Still, at least you will be able to look back at it and, while spitting venom, say that you couldn't have the day you really wanted because of that bitch.

Have the wedding you want. Invite her. She probably will choose to have a prior engagement if she has any sense. If she does go, your GM is elderly and blind. She can easily ignore her DIL if she chooses to, without appearing rude. Your sister, well she can say hello and move on, as obviously she wouldn't want to spoil your big day by being rude. Your mother can exchange a couple of words with her and then move on - on to the 80 or so nearest and dearest people in her life. It will be fine. You really are making far, far more of this than need be.

I agree with Rindercella. Just invite her - it will all be fine- have a lovely wedding. You probably have this step mother for life and you will look back in 10/20 years and think 'whatever was all that fuss about'.

Just include her and have all your family and friends around you, or don't, and have only your 2 witnesses. They seem to be the 2 options you have decided on, either way I hope you have a wonderful day. I agree with Exotic, in years to come you will probably cringe at all the fuss you have made.
What I don't like is the "I've been told if I posted under my real name I wouldn't have had such a hard time". That comment was unneccesary and just adds more weight to the posters who bitch about prolific posters.

Rindercella speaks a lot of sense and summarises the situation very well.

OP I hope you're feeling slightly better and slightly clearer of head this morning.

I'm hoping I don't continue to over use the word slightly.

Devora has hit the nail on the head about your mum as I keep thinking why on EARTH would be she be so stressed about having his wife in the room? Makes NO sense at all seeing how she is so happy and fulfilled...

Grow up OP and tell your mum to grow up too. You have gad pages of people telling you how childish and petty you sound yet you bang on about how if you had posted in your regular name we would be falling over to support you... What rubbish. You now also sound entitled and snobbish

Hi wife is better off not seeing you and I bet she couldn't give a shiny shit about your wedding and the only reason sw would come is to support your dad

Seriously - grow up!

I answer the question - I don't look at the name and have different answers according to who is posting!

Same here, exotic.

I do wonder why people think that they are so "well known" that they need to NC!

Whole thing sounds very attention seeking.

diddl and it just adds to the whole MN regulars/royalty are treated differently. There was no need to have added that imho.
I don't always notice a name, sometimes I do, sometimes it would change the way I respond to a thread (eg if it was a poster who was going through a bereavement or something and I realised), then yes I would temper my response accordingly. But on a thread like this? about weddings? No.

Drama llamas maybe run in the family

Course I´m only jealous as I´m not important/well known enough to ever need to namechange

Comeback how arrogant to think if you'd posted in your regular name, it "wouldn't have been nearly as bad". What a load of rubbish.
You've had almost 100% of posters saying you are BU, that you should stop focusing on your Dad's wife and just invite her. But you seem intent on ignoring everyone and carrying on with your deluded attitude to this woman.

Many people have described not getting on with a parent's new partner and still inviting them to their wedding. I could tell awful stories of things my Mum's H did, he caused a huge amount of upset,I couldn't stand him, but he was invited to my graduation meal, 21st meal, wedding, christenings of my dc, and those of my 2 sisters and brother. Because that is what mature families do.

You and your family are not the first to have to face a wedding with an unwelcome guest. I wonder what kind of sheltered life you and relatives have led if you think this situation warrants such a huge fuss.

It doesn't matter who you are, you are being totally unreasonable and I really hope you accept that.

Most people recognise posters who nc anyway through their style and details so what is the point??

Actually I'm beginning to think the op is winding us up. Surely no one can be this thick skinned to keep on and on for 21 pages ignoring the unanimous advice and blaming it all on the fact we don't realise who it really is?

Totally bizarre.

I have a stepmother, and both parents deceased. I chose to to have a secret wedding for various reasons, but partly, I didn't want to have my sm acting as nok. I truly regretted it, and wished I had gone for the big thing, overcompensated when kids were born to huge all inclusive gatherings. It's your wedding, enjoy your day, but be aware of the hangover effect. Good luck

I haven't been here long, there are very few regulars i recognise.
Being a regular would NOT have changed my opinion.
The fact that you (or the mystery pm) think it would, just shows the lengths you will go to to prove you are not being unreasonable.

"Most people recognise posters who nc anyway through their style and details so what is the point??"

And if it´s to hide your RL identity-why post so much detail?

By the way you haven't proved it and I suspect there will be more of the drama to come. I am watching for 'my dad doesn't make an effort with my dcs' where people will agree yabu because of this incident.

I don't think it is about hiding their rl identity, more about protecting their MN persona.

"more about protecting their MN persona."

That hadn´t occurred to me at all!

I loathe aibu posters who only want justification for their unreasonable actions.

You are that AIBU poster that you loathe I'm afraid. Hundreds of posts telling you what a spiteful malicious thing this would be to do, but still thinking that you're right.

And I couldn't give a toss who you are, I don't kowtow to MN regulars, my answer would be exactly the same. YABU to think not inviting your Dad's wife, who has done nothing wrong, is an acceptable thing to do, because it is not.

Wow what a thread. I agree completely with Devora, what she posts makes perfect sense here.

I'm a tad confused as to why the OP thinks responses would be difference if she had used her original name, the issue would still be the same so I doubt her own name would have everyone heartily agreeing with her.

Can I just clarify I don't think all regulars who nc for a particular thread do so to protect their MN persona. Sometimes it is clear why they need to.

I'd already have told my dad that my original plans for a big wedding where he gave me away just aren't feasible due to the family dynamic

:(:( 'Giving their dd away' can be really big thing for some dads, especially if there has been some issues before and you had to work hard to be close again. Telling him he isn't allowed to do that is sending him clearly the signal that actually you are not that close to him and that you are happily choosing other people to him.
That's not even about his wife any more.

A family member did that with her dad. Choose to have her brother taking her instead. The hurt for her dad was immense (and yes there was some huge family dynamics there too and the parents were divorced too).
:(:(