Dad's wife at wedding AIBU to ask for advice how to handle this

[ComeBackasaFlower]

N/C regular...

I'd prefer not to have my Dad's wife at my wedding.

My Dad remarried about 5 years ago after my parents divorced when I was an adult. I have a very good relationship with him, but his wife is pretty much a stranger to us. Their relationship strikes me more as that of convenient companionship as opposed to any great love match. When I have encountered of her, I've felt she is someone to whom I wouldn't ordinarily warm regardless of circumstances. We have never really had the opportunity or desire to build a relationship, which suits all parties fine for the most part, but when it comes to our (intimate, close friends & family) wedding, it poses a problem as I'm not sure I feel comfortable having a virtual stranger there. Particularly one whose presence is certain to make my Mum feel extremely uncomfortable and for whom my sister and Grandma have very little time (to put it mildly)

I'm also concerned that my Dad will be fulfilling a traditional role on the day, escorting me to the ceremony - giving me away, and helping host the reception, so his wife will be on her own for big swathes of time. The only people at the wedding she knows are my aforementioned sister and grandma, neither of whom will be falling over themselves to make her feel welcome. It's hardly likely to be an enjoyable occasion for her, but she's a bit emotionally neutral, so I think she would just get through it without feeling particularly bothered.

I know I need to have a frank conversation with my Dad since as it stands, I have no idea what his expectations are regarding her attendance. He could be completely in tune with my concerns and have assumed his wife would not attend anyway (although rather unlikely), or equally not have given any thought to any potential issue and be put out at the suggestion she doesn't come. It's very hard to gauge. I know I just have to tread very carefully to ensure this doesn't blow up into a massive, upsetting issue for everyone...

How am I going to handle this? AIBU to ask the advice of strangers on the internet?! Don't want to dripfeed but reluctant to drone on so feel free to ask me to expand on stuff.

Ah yes, we've all had dramas with family or people within the family who we do not like. DH's dad used to beat his mum whilst DH was little. They got divorced a long, long time ago - DH's dad has sorted himself and they both now really get on. DH's dad has a new partner who his mum really doesn't like though. She was of course still invited to the wedding. DH hates his sister's partner, as do a fair few of his family: he's in his 40s whilst his sister was 18 when they got together, he took her away to another country meaning she dropped out of college, has no skills or qualifications for the job market, and from what we hear he also makes his sister quite unhappy and controls her, but she loves him nonetheless. Neither one of us particularly wanted him there but we still had to invite him. Oh and there was a massive family fight between DH's family and mine right before my dad died last year, we were due to get married 2 weeks later but my sister said she hated DH and was going to refuse to go. Cue DH's mum having goes at various members of my family, DH and my sister obviously having disagreements and the 2 families pretty much hating each other. As if that wasn't enough, DH's mum tried to get DH to dump me after that family fiasco right after my dad had died. So yes, a fair few family dramas to contend with over here whilst we were re-planning our wedding.

But do you know what? We were married in May, we invited everyone who wanted to come - regardless of petty feuds or dislike - and everyone behaved themselves. There were no family fall outs or anyone kicking off and we actually had a lovely day.
I think you're making far more of this than you need to, and if your mum is going to get herself so upset that it's to the point of making herself ill that is ultimately her responsibility. If she really has such problems where she can make herself ill from such things (and I do see being at the same wedding as somebody you or your family dislike as a bit of a non-issue) then how about taking responsibility for your very poor coping skills by trying to do something about them rather than trying to hide them? Instead of looking to exclude your MIL why not instead look at trying to help your mum, who is actually the one who has the real problems in all of this.

Op

I don't think there should be ANY wedding full stop as you sound too immature to be even getting married !

I mean seriously, is this all you have to worry about , who does or does not come to your wedding ?

You need to grow up and stop being so ridiculous about your SM, oh and honestly, if you keep banging on about this woman to your future H and doing his head in with it all then I wouldn't blame him if he ran for the hills .

I do feel sorry for the OP's fiance in all this. It's his wedding too and now all of it has been hijacked to work around the neuroses of the OP's family.

Devora and Rindercella have said it so much more articulately than I could.

OP, you're clearly determined to continue colluding in your dad's fuckwittery, your mother's enablement of same and your siblings'/grandmother's bitchy teenage behaviour, regardless of what the vast majority of posters (some of whom have been in similar positions themselves so speak from experience have to say).

The hypocrisy of disregarding someone's marriage at a wedding, and focusing on "etiquette" (seating plans etc) at the expense of "manners" - if not common decency - is simply breathtaking.

I feel sorry for your step-mother and also for your fiancé, marrying into such a bad-mannered, narrow-minded family complicit in airbrushing your parents' split and father's subsequent remarriage out of existence.

Gosh yes the poor fiance!

Did he have any say in the sudden decision to go from 80 people to only a selected few? which will still cause huge issues

I had a similar issue at my wedding. My dad had an affair, causing my mum to have a total nervous breakdown and be sectioned. They then split for good and dad married the OW. 10 years later I got married, with all the family politics you can imagine. I had built a tentative relationship with dad's new wife, although she is notorious for putting her foot in it with insensitive comments.

Mum came to me and said she thought I should invite dad's wife. This was even though they'd never met and my mum was still very fragile and on 100s of anti depressants. She did this because she wanted what was best for the whole family, and believed it wasn't all about her. Seperately dad said he would very much like his wide to come, and offered solutions such as they all met up on a seperate date beforehand so first meeting wasn't at the venue to make it easier for my mum. New wife said she would love to come to celebrate my marriage but would understand if i prefered she didn't.

So basically, despite some very awful history between them, everyone put their feelings aside and made the best of it. I wad honoured that they all loved me enough to do so. We had some tactics in place, mum got ready with us and traveled to the church so she had that time with me and then I met dad at the church when mum had already gone in. My best friend's boyfriend (huge Swedish bobybuilder) was assigned as mum's escort so she never had to be on her own. No top table, dads hosted a table each while we had the mums (neither remarried) on our table. Mum had a little wobble during my dad's speech, but my best friend (and chief bridesmaid) took her out to the bar bit and calmed her down (with vodka). I'm so grateful my marriage was able to start in a spirit of accommodation and generousity from my family, not bitterness and hate which you may well come to regret.

OP

I don't think you are malicious, spiteful, or even intentionally rude. Whilst I feel sorry for your dad's wife, I don't think she's the primary concern here. The concern is you, who I think needs to detach from your family. If you don't invite your dad's wife, then you are not behaving like an adult. You are behaving like the person who took it upon herself, or was forced into getting in the middle of your parent's problems (been there, believe me). I think it's harsh to call you childish, but you will always been the child of your parents.

"It was only when my sister pointed out that it was likely to make my Mum ill with stress and anxiety that I realised she was right, and I could read between the lines"

Your mum is an adult, and as such, she has the choice to tell you how she feels. I don't think you should second-guess her on this. She hasn't said "don't invite her", because she knows that however hard, inviting her is the right thing to do.

I think if you do the right thing you may well feel better.

I am trying to convey this clearly. I am not sure I've succeeded.

Devora

Good post. OP - I would think about getting some help to make sense of this all (once the wedding is over). Will PM you

OP, I don't think you are being spiteful, but I do think you have got too involved in the family drama dated back to your parents break-up and you seem to have spiralled down during this thread to the point where you are prepared to ruin your own wedding over what is really not such a big deal.

You are taking on everyone else's feelings (or what you think everyone else's feelings are) and i do feel that you are blowing things out of proportion with a very childlike view of things.

I cannot believe that the presence of this woman who has done nothing except that you all dont like her would ruin the day for everyone. If that is true then you are all missing the point of the wedding. Please listen to people who are saying you wont even notice who is there.

If you dont invite her, then you do have to live with the fact that that makes you petty and unkind. As others have said, she may be your stepmother for another 20 plus years and that relationship may change (mine with my stepmother has).

I think you need to take a time out before you do anything about this as I dont think this thread has given you any clarity at all.

OP: I stand by my earlier post. Everyone can deal with the situation for one day.

Clyta that's so lovely. Good for you and good on your terrific family. You're right - it's so important to begin your life with someone in as generous a spirit as possible.

Can we have more of this please?

Of course, it's possible that your mum is entirely sussed and happy and strong. But in that case, why are you and your sister doing this dance where you compete to be the one who is most aware of/concerned about possible threats to your mother's fragile health? Either your mum really has an issue here, or you and your sister do. Because all this hysterical fear about how somebody will be made ill by something that they are apparently A-OK with is not healthy, OP.

I'm not meaning to get at you; I do hear that you have very strong feelings about this and I do feel you are entitled to feel happy and comfortable on your wedding day. But I also think you are caught up in a very strong story that is obscuring the reality of the situation.

OP Said: "She was also quite rude to my Mum at the one family occasion where everyone has been there together, making comments about the nature of the occasion and how in her community things are done such-and-such a way"

Which community is she from ?

Hmmmm, Gunz- I wonder if you're thinking what I am thinking....

Is your dad's wife black?

That bit has been covered Gunz, christening was a catholic one, and SM is a born again christian, so didnt approve of all the pomp and ceremony that goes with a RC christening.

OP has never actually posted what was actually said though, for any the issues that she has with the SM, just that people have been offended/upset by the SM but OP wont actually give examples with any detail of what has been said to create such animosity towards the woman.

IE when the Grandmother went to visit and came home moaning, but again, no reason why...

All sounds like a conspiracy to get the whole family to treat the woman as if she doesnt exist and will never be included in the family in my view.

I cannot believe that the shock of seeing someone who's married to a man you refer to as a "twerp" at a wedding will send a grown woman into a decline. I know people who get migraines from red wine or lack of sleep. But this stuff? Have we fallen into Vanity Fair or Jane Austen where people need to retire to a couch with an attack of nerves?

Other posters are right. You obviously love your mother a hell of a lot, which is great, but it's not really ok for her to languish while her adult daughters tiptoe around shushing anything that might give her a moment's disquiet. You feel guilt about effectively throwing your dad out - look, he could have come back. He could have. He chose to have an affair and they chose to split up and stay split, all years ago now. Your parents' divorce isn't your fault. Do you think that by chucking your dad out your have eventually led to the stepmother's presence in your family? Because that's not right.

Well, I can't believe the lenghts of this thread! And nothing much has changed, except the OP decided not to have a big wedding because one not nice and unpopular person will be there. This is total craziness, I have to say.
OP, maybe I'm wrong, but do you think you may be putting your mum on a pedestal a little bit? I'm sure she's a lovely woman, but the way you describe her makes you look like you idolize her in some ways? Don't you think it would be helpful to see her a bit more realistically, as a faillible human being?

Devora

Elephants. I agree

The op had flounced

She really showed herself up with her attitude towards the fact she regards herself as a recognised regular in her usual name. Who cares?! I name change a lot, I dont need to shout about it or thunk people would recognise me by any one particular name. Goodness, her sense of entitlement is breathtaking

If OP was so convinced she was not being unreasonable, I cant see why she would namechange anyway..

My replies would be exactly the same no matter what name someone posted in anyway.

The OP hasn't flounced

She is giving herself time to think.

And, by the way, she's heard some challenging stuff about herself and her family without becoming attacking.

..... and no, I don't know who she is.

MardyArsed - uh hum!

Squeaky - i know loads of born again christians since when were they are separate community ? the ones i know all love a big party which made me think she was referring to something other than religion.