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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Didn't come home

396 replies

CinnamonSal · 22/07/2012 09:38

My partner went to the pub yesterday afternoon and as yet is still not home. His phone has been off since around 11pm. Am I being unreasonable to think this is a complete disregard for me and be absolutely livid?

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 22/07/2012 12:44

"He doesn't have an alcohol problem just a selfish bastard problem"

"I don't know who he went out with yesterday I'm not his keeper"

"he just said he was going to the pub and tbh I wasn't overly interested with whom"

Reading those posts by the OP, I get a feeling that this relationship may be a bit rocky at the moment. :(

Did you have a row before he went out yesterday at all, is he trying to make you wonder where he is?

Shullbit · 22/07/2012 12:46

I would ring the police and report him missing. He could of been attacked/mugged and not been found as yet, hence him not being at hospital. The fact he hasn't turned up by now, or rang using someones phone (his could of been nicked, or battery died), I would be frantic with worry.

Phone the police, and let them do their job.

ImperialBlether · 22/07/2012 12:54

The chances of him being at a single guy friend's house is a million times higher than his having been in an accident.

I agree with SGB - he's testing his limits now and telling you by his actions that he's going to do whatever he wants.

Softlysoftly · 22/07/2012 13:01

Cinnamon I wouldn't worry about another woman, if he had done the dirty fear of being caught out would have had him up and out sooner rather than later! I also doubt he's peed off abroad unless you live near the docks and the drunken fool has fallen on a cargo ship.

I would be worried by now, but it's still more likely he's sleepi g off a bender

ImperialBlether · 22/07/2012 13:13

I agree with SoftlySoftly. If he'd picked up someone and stayed the night, in all likelihood he would have made elaborate plans to tell you that he was sleeping over at a friend's house.

rhondajean · 22/07/2012 13:15

Sal have you managed to sleep and eat?

Olympia2012 · 22/07/2012 13:15

You need to make a bit of a fuss op..... Or it will happen again, and again

Call his family.... Let them get angry with him

noelstudios · 22/07/2012 13:19

I wouldn't report him missing to the police, by all means checks whether he's been nicked, but there is no way he would be classed as anything but a standard risk missing person (I.e. not likely to hurt himself or others) - realistically the police would check hospitals, custody suites and call family / friends. I would never request a cell site on his mobile for this and it would never be authorised.

As an officer, I would take a massively dim view of someone giving my officers four hours work (this is how long a standard missing person report / process takes) just so the could use it as a stick to beat their errant partner with when they eventually turned up.

I hope he turns up soon OP and the rest of your pregnancy goes well.

FartyMcTarty · 22/07/2012 13:25

Bloody hell noelstudios, if I hadn't turned up 12+ hrs after I was expected, I would hope it would be reported without my family worrying about wasting police time. It's your job.

DrapedBust · 22/07/2012 13:29

My DP did this a few times- gone out for a quick drink after work and turned up at 6pm the next day. With not a message, voicemail, any contact whatsoever.

I'm sorry to say that we're in the process of separating - turns out he never wanted a family (2 DC in) and his staying out was a way of "expressing his anger and hurt" because he couldn't talk to me. Because obviously I wasn't happy about being left with a 2 and 4 year old asking where dad was and I had no fucking idea.

You'll have to have it out with him when he gets back- it's so unfair and selfish to leave you wondering if he is ok, had an accident etc. You know that he is likely to be crashed out at a freinds's house but it doesn't stop that little worry.

rhondajean · 22/07/2012 13:30

Lovely Noel.

Never mind the fact you have a pregnant woman and a man who although has form for staying out late has never stayed out to this point before. Never mind a thousand examples we all know of but there is no point going into and scaring the op any further. God forbid someone ends up with more paperwork eh.
Sigh.

OP if you feel that contacting the police will help (and if it was me I would by now) ignore this, it's their job to help you (whether they like it or not). I'm sure they will treat you far better than this thread would leave you to believe.

akaemmafrost · 22/07/2012 13:32

Sorry I agree with Noel 99% of the time these selfish men DO turn up still pissed up Angry.

Also do not agree he'd be up and out first thing if with someone else, I think many many would think in for a penny, in for a pound if they let themselves get into that situation in the first place.

WorraLiberty · 22/07/2012 13:34

If his phone's off and he's still not home, he could have been arrested.

I don't see why you don't just make a quick phone call to the Police

They'll tell you if he's in their cells.

Tee2072 · 22/07/2012 13:35

Gosh, what a lovely police officer you are. How dare we expect you to, you know, do your fucking job.

akaemmafrost · 22/07/2012 13:38

Don't know where there is 2 x many in that post.

Those of you giving noel a hard time, how many cases of this kind do you think he sees that he would post that?

taboot · 22/07/2012 13:38

I understand what noelstudios is saying but my personal opinion is that the risk of something being amiss is greater than the risk of pissing off my local police station...I would ring and get some advice. Damned if you do, damned if you don't, it's a very unfair situation to be put in, whosever to blame!
Hope you're ok Sal! Look after yourself and bubba

Iamsparklyknickers · 22/07/2012 13:39

I would be worried now although I wouldn't rule out the possibility of him going back to someone's house and not getting to sleep till early am so possibly still snoring now.

Checking with the police and hospitals is no problem for them, have done this a couple of times myself hunting down an epileptic family member who has form for taking off randomly. It takes two minutes for them to check their computer. I'd also be ringing friends of his, you're not over reacting after this much time. If I'd had no luck by 3 pm I'd be reporting him missing, sorry but my conscience just wouldn't let me rest otherwise.

paradisechick · 22/07/2012 13:42

Any news? I'd be demented by now!

ImperialBlether · 22/07/2012 13:42

I hope he's turned up now and that's why the OP isn't posting.

MammaTJ · 22/07/2012 13:43

Ring his parents. Ring the pub. In a few hours ring the police. I am worried about him now. This is rather late to have not appeared yet after a night out last night. Surely he should have woken and got in touch by now.

Pickles77 · 22/07/2012 13:45

Im worried now too x

ImperialBlether · 22/07/2012 13:46

The OP was last on at 12.30, MammaTJ. Her partner may well have turned up now.

JaxTellerIsMyFriend · 22/07/2012 13:46

I would be calling the police by now if my DH did this.

And if all you want to know is if he is in a cell they can tell you this.

I hope you are ok.

tartyflette · 22/07/2012 13:47

OK, Noel, so when WOULD be an appropriate moment to call the police? Just so we know. (I'd be frantic with worry by now.)

noelstudios · 22/07/2012 13:47

Farty & Rhonda -

Is there any concern of self-harm or violence against others? No.

Does he have a medical condition for which he needs regular medication? No

Does he have any other vulnerabilities? No

Where was he last? The pub

How is their relationship? Somewhat strained from the posts of the OP.

Has this happened before? I.e. not coming back from the pub? Yes

What does the partner think has happened?

That he has gone on a bender and is too hungover / inconsiderate / cowardly to face the consequences.

She has checked hospitals - he is apparently not there.

I do not think that the OP needs to worry for his safety at this time. Clearly things can change, but the most likely scenario is that he has been persuaded by someone to have a hair of the dog and face the music later in the day...

The fact of the matter the police at this stage would do no more than check the cells / call his parents / mates / call him / recheck hospitals.

We ping mobile phones etc / go further when there is a risk of serious harm. However unpleasant the situation the OP is in, that is not the case here. She has also never suggested it is. Several posters above suggested that she should call Police ostensibly to make him feel guilty when he eventually turned up - this is irresponsible and a waste of public resources. I do not have an issue with police officers doing paperwork, but I do when it is for the purpose of point-scoring within relationships.

OP - I'm sure he will turn up sooner or later. I would go and do something nice for yourself.