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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Didn't come home

396 replies

CinnamonSal · 22/07/2012 09:38

My partner went to the pub yesterday afternoon and as yet is still not home. His phone has been off since around 11pm. Am I being unreasonable to think this is a complete disregard for me and be absolutely livid?

OP posts:
akaemmafrost · 22/07/2012 20:35

Well its two things really, people are either really shocked that anyone would treat their pregnant partner like this or they remember how painful and awful it was to be treated like this and from their own experiences know this is likely to be only the start......

So I actually see why people would think she should leave and that their motives for saying it are good.

You are actually a bit of a lone voice on this thread aren't you? and thats because you have an arrangement in your relationship that allows this to be acceptable on both sides. Most people don't, its just one incredibly selfish person doing their own thing and expecting the other person to lump it.

I don't think you are a door mat at all by the way, it obviously works for you.

MintyMojito · 22/07/2012 20:36

I'm not telling her to accept it, god no. I think as its clearly upset her so much he should understand not to do it again. I just don't think it's worth writing off a relationship for one mistake.

And what do you mean by a pearl-clutching style of writing? How intriguing! Grin

doinmummy · 22/07/2012 20:38

It is a sweeping statement to tell someone via the internet to 'leave the bastard', However, my guess is that people are speaking from bitter experience ( I certainly am ), I can see many similarities to my doomed relationship, like I said up post, especially the fact that the house is in the Op's name only.

ImperialBlether · 22/07/2012 20:46

Minty, I'm sure you have a lovely husband.

Picture this.

Your husband has a lovely wife, who's pregnant. He goes out for a drink one afternoon and says he'll be back at around 7.30. At eleven he is still out and notices his phone's out of charge. He still could have borrowed a friend's - his partner would either be up or wouldn't mind being woken at that time. He doesn't. At 1.30 am he's strolling home and notices his wife's car is missing.

What would your husband's reaction be?

a) Panic - is she ill? Run as fast as he can to her mum's so that he can find out what's happened?

b) Go to his mum's and go home in the late afternoon the next day?

What do you think?

ToothbrushThief · 22/07/2012 20:47

Very few have said Leave the bastard

The vast majority have asked sympathised, reassured and hand held. A large no. have confessed they had an ex who did this and there was a pattern to it (several have said started in preg). It has distressed them and they have recounted that they wouldn't tolerate it and stressed the ex bit. It's up to the OP what she does but I'd be very surprised that anyone ever left a 'good' relationship because of a few remarks of strangers.

I would always support someone to believe their own feelings are valid and count. Trying to suggest that this behaviour is normal and should be tolerated is unhelpful to a poster who has clearly said how upset she was

thekidsrule · 22/07/2012 21:10

i didnt think there was footy on at moment

season hasnt started yet

Panzee · 22/07/2012 21:11

Lower league /non league stuff is on.

Original poster
CinnamonSal · 22/07/2012 21:14

His team were playing a friendly. Everything isn't a lie you know no need to pick apart everything!

OP posts:
Shullbit · 22/07/2012 21:16

Minty, the OP's situation is a far cry away from yours. My relationship also works like yours and sometimes, if I am seeing a mate not close to home, I will crash on her sofa for the night but the important bit is that I inform my partner that I shall be doing so. I don't say I will be back at a certain time, allow my phone to die, not be concerned over my pregnant wife when her and the car are missing, stumble to my mothers, pass out, and not bother contacting my partner till the following afternoon. That is what makes the OP's OH a selfish bastard.

difficultpickle · 22/07/2012 21:17

OP most men who stay out all night and don't bother to keep their mobiles on are usually up to something they'd rather their partners didn't know about. Your dp's story may be completely true and he may be completely innocent and it was just one of those things. However to treat you like this when you are pregnant and when it should be the happiest time of your life together doesn't bode well for the future. You are always better off being on your own than being with someone who appears (at least from your posts) to not treat you very well at all.

TheFogsGettingThicker · 22/07/2012 21:20

The OP has stated that this is one of a chain of events, not merely a one-off.

This is why she's considering the future of her relationship.

I think there were plenty ways in which he could have got in touch with you, and didn't. Very disturbing.

Original poster
CinnamonSal · 22/07/2012 21:22

Yeh there are no excuses for him. I know this.

OP posts:
GhostShip · 22/07/2012 21:25

I crash on my mates sofa every time we have a drink because I live quite a way away and it's easier, but I ring my DP and let him know!

PerryCombover · 22/07/2012 21:26

At least you know where he is now

difficultpickle · 22/07/2012 21:32

There are no excuses for his behaviour but you appear to be defending him when posters speculate about why he didn't bother to contact you. All I can say is life doesn't get easier when you have a baby, it gets a lot lot harder. If things aren't good between you now they won't magically improve when you aren't getting any sleep dealing with a newborn.

Original poster
CinnamonSal · 22/07/2012 21:37

Yes I know this is why I am stressed. I have a baby on the way

OP posts:
doinmummy · 22/07/2012 21:43

Cinnamon why is the house in your name only?

Original poster
CinnamonSal · 22/07/2012 21:51

Sorry I don't really want to go into those kind of INS and outs here mummy.

OP posts:
doinmummy · 22/07/2012 21:53

Ok I understand. I hope things blow over and everything settles down.

Original poster
CinnamonSal · 22/07/2012 21:58

Thanks

OP posts:
taboot · 23/07/2012 00:08

Wow lots of strong personalities in here! Lol. I'm really glad he turned up safe and sound Sal! Hope you and bump are doing ok. Deal with it how you want to deal with it, do what you need to do for you and baby. The best advice I ever got was from my Gran, you can listen all day long to advice from people but it is you that has to live with the concequences of acting on it. Best thing to do (and this is gonna sound so harsh but I've been there for the past 2 years) is if you wanna stay with him and be happy, don't tell people what's going on if/when he screws up. It's really nice to have someone to confide in and bitch to but a lot of people can't just listen, it's in their nature to fix and help (I've fallen out with lots of people through telling them things I shouldn't have been so quick to rant about because I always went back). Hope you got lots of positives and support from your post, take care x

MsPavlichenko · 23/07/2012 02:33

This takes me back. ExH did this 22 years ago when I was pegnant with DS.... and repeat... No mobys, phone boxes always broken etc. He wasn't being unfaithful, but it was a marker of his controlling behavour. I was so glad when he came home, that first time, I didn't really challenge him.

Pattern continued, including DV, but as he always said, he wasn't shagging about! Hopefully this isn't the start of similsr for you, but do consider that it is unacceptable at any level

Fairenuff · 23/07/2012 09:09

Glad he's safe Sal but disappointed to hear 'the usual' excuses from him and how sorry he is blah, blah, blah.

What? Your phone ran out of battery Shock. And there were no other phones available anywhere? And then you fell asleep. Well who could have predicted that!

Sorry to be sarcastic but I think he is testing how much he can get away with. He has really upped the ante this time and how you react will determine the rest of your future together.

Ask him what he would do differently next time. If it were the same circumstances. It's my guess that he will say there was nothing different that he could have done. So then, what is going to happen next time? Because there will be a next time.

Oh and if he gets a set of keys, don't be surprised if he 'loses' them on one of his nights out.

PicklesThePottyMouthedParrot · 23/07/2012 11:36

I stopped dp doing this as last time he did it I went totally completely batshit crazy on his arse. I tried reason etc and that worked. He would only ever sleep up his friends up the road but still not on.

thekidsrule · 23/07/2012 12:42

glad hes safe but op your asking for questions and answers you only want to hear certain answers, and bite at comments you dont want asked or said

thats up to you i suppose