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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Didn't come home

396 replies

CinnamonSal · 22/07/2012 09:38

My partner went to the pub yesterday afternoon and as yet is still not home. His phone has been off since around 11pm. Am I being unreasonable to think this is a complete disregard for me and be absolutely livid?

OP posts:
twoistwiceasfun · 22/07/2012 19:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
CinnamonSal · 22/07/2012 19:29

We only moved in on Friday so not as weird as it sounds

OP posts:
sleepsforwimps2010 · 22/07/2012 19:30

op,
only you can know where to go from here.
I think time at your mums is a good idea so you can rest and gain some perspective, you must be exhausted by this now....
you have your baby to think about, so rest and take your time deciding what to do next, rushed angry decision aren't the way forward........

StuntGirl · 22/07/2012 19:31

I'm glad he's not dead/in jail. I just hope the two of you can sort something out from this wreck.

Original poster
CinnamonSal · 22/07/2012 19:31

Yes lots of support that I'm very grateful of. Not many professing to know where he was and what or who he was doing.

OP posts:
GoranisGod · 22/07/2012 19:33

If you are so disdainful of strangers on the net then why bother postingHmm

I am entitled to express an opinion and I simply dont believe his story. Of course its entirely up to you if you choose to turn a blind eye to it....

diddl · 22/07/2012 19:34

Some time away sounds like a good idea.

I know that that level drinking isn´t something that I could put up with.

Original poster
CinnamonSal · 22/07/2012 19:35

Not disdainful at all just disdainful of people who say he is out shagging about. You could have left it that you didn't believe his story that would have been fair enough and perfectly understandable.

OP posts:
JustFabulous · 22/07/2012 19:36

You have to put your baby first. Stress can't be good for him/her.

MintyMojito · 22/07/2012 19:56

Imperial - yes I have been on parenting forums for 3 and a half years, and I do not believe that it is responsible or productive to tell somebody to leave their partner because they stayed out all night.

We only ever know one side of the story for starters. There are very few scenarios I could imagine myself having a 'duty' to tell someone to get out.

These people have children, homes, families. Who the hell are we to give them doubt about their relationship based on a snippet of information? Particularly where, if they act upon it on a whim, they end up worse off as a result when things could have been worked trough.

Nope, I am not placing that on my conscience thanks. I'll stick to providing support instead of rash statements.

MintyMojito · 22/07/2012 19:59

And for fucks sake Goran, not all men are worthless twats. Yours might be, but might has done what the OPs has done a few times and he certainly wouldn't shag about. He has no reason to. I've gone on a night out and stayed out too.

The majority of the population when in loving relationships manage to keep their knickers on.

MintyMojito · 22/07/2012 19:59

Mine, not might.

GhostShip · 22/07/2012 20:11

In all fairness if he's done what the OP's has done 'a few times' I'd see a problem.

MintyMojito · 22/07/2012 20:16

Really? Nope, perhaps our relationship is more secure than most. We're human beings, not robots. We are still young. This is going back a few years now anyway. Thank god I am not impressionable, because if I was, and people were telling me to leave MY relationship because we have had a few nights where we innocently stayed out with our friends because we were too drunk/lazy to get a taxi home then I would be leaving a fantastic, happy, healthy relationship with a gorgeous son and a lovely home. I think I'll stick with it thanks Grin

ToothbrushThief · 22/07/2012 20:17

or a doormat

AGiraffeUnderTheFloorBoards · 22/07/2012 20:18

Oh OP you have my sympathy. My Ex was like this too- we were engaged and after he disappeared once too often I called it all off. He'd do the same thing - "I'm on my way back, will be 20 mins" and wouldn't reappear until the following day- hungover, dirty and stinking. The anger and paranoia and chaotic lifestyle destroyed me. I broke up with him and he spiralled out of control and then his drinking did become a major problem. I think you mentioned you didn't think he did have a drinking problem - but I think our tolerance of benders can belie some serious drink problems. If you're drinking to the point where you're lying and then staying out all night and then can't move the following day then you've got a problem or you are well on the way to having one.

Go to your mums. Have a think. Good luck.

doinmummy · 22/07/2012 20:21

I'm afraid that I also think that this doesn't bode well , from bitter experience.

He should have been concerned that your car wasn't there- but he wasn't.

Only you know what you are willing to put up with, just don't sell yourself short. Start as you mean to go on.

The thing that rang alarm bells for me is that fact that the house is in your name only Op. Is there a reason for this?

MintyMojito · 22/07/2012 20:22

Toothbrush - are you calling me a doormat? Good grief you must lead a very tiring existence. Our lifestyle pre DS was a party life. We would go out until 7am and crash at the nearest friends house when the club closed. We do that now on our weekends off, separately or together. It's all good fun.

GhostShip · 22/07/2012 20:22

Me and my partner are young, we don't act like robots, we go out with our mates, but we would not do what the OP's partner has done. It is not normal, it is not respectful and it certainly isn't the sign of a strong and trusting relationship. You're putting it into a context where it is fine and oh just a laugh but it isn't. When someone who is pregnant, worried and up all night driving around at stupid hours because their ignorant adsehole of a DP hasn't even bothered to text, theres a problem.

akaemmafrost · 22/07/2012 20:27

So it seems that you are BOTH agreed that this is acceptable MintyMojito? Both on the same page? BOTH happy when the other does it because its how you choose to conduct your relationships and live.

Well it appears that the OP and her DP are not in agreement. If they were his staying out would not have shocked and distressed her as much as it did. Just as many people who have posted here were/are not and thats why they can read between the lines and remember how bad one person in a relationships selfishness made/makes them feel.

MintyMojito · 22/07/2012 20:27

Oh bless you. Smile

ToothbrushThief · 22/07/2012 20:28

Ghostship - Minty is a cool hip thing with a loving relationship and needs us all to confirm this. Just do it and she'll be happy.

Meanwhile the rest of the world who think the OP doesn't need this stress whilst pregnant (or tbh at any other time) hope that she comes to some agreement/conclusion that means she is happy. Would I tolerate behaviour best suited to a teenager or young hip party animal with loving relationship ...er no, because I'm worth more.

MintyMojito · 22/07/2012 20:28

Emma - I understand that. But is it worth, for one night's mistake, telling the OP to leave? I cannot believe some people are arrogant enough to believe they can make that call.

MintyMojito · 22/07/2012 20:30

Toothbrush, thankfully my relationship is not in the hands of MNers. Just think about what you are saying to those who's relationship might be.

ToothbrushThief · 22/07/2012 20:33

You've got a funny way of posting Minty - a sort of pearl clutching style of writing yet professing to be a party animal :)

I think emma hit the nail on the head. It's YOU trying to tell the OP to accept this behaviour. You do what you feel is acceptable. OP was upset. She shouldn't have to tolerate something that is not acceptable to her. No one is dictating your life to you. It's not about you.