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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that being a fussy eater in someone else's home is actually quite rude?

487 replies

wrathomum · 19/07/2012 19:11

And never even to TRY new things? Or appreciate the efforts of the host (who has multiple food sensitivites) to cater for everyone and try to provide healthy fare? And to not even feel a little bit bad about being fussy?

OP posts:

yellowraincoat · 19/07/2012 19:54

Worra, how often do people buy other people clothes? No one except my mother and my partner buys me clothes. My mother frequently gets it wrong, I smile, nod, say thank you and never wear it.

Food and clothes can't be compared anyway.

The problem with food is that it's sitting right in front of you, to be eaten at the time. To not eat it is to somewhat piss on the host's chips and create a bit of an atmosphere.

yellowraincoat · 19/07/2012 19:56

AThing are you suggesting I'm a cunt who feeds their friends all manner of disgusting shit just to test them?

You'd be right.

Seriously. If you are fussy, say to your friends that you don't like xyz. Most people will check with you beforehand anyway.

GrendelsMum · 19/07/2012 19:56

AThingInYourLife - I guess it depends on how severe your eating difficulties are, but don't you and your friends find it a little tense as a way to socialise, when there are so many ways to get together that don't involve food?

NellyBluth · 19/07/2012 19:56

Why can't people just be honest? I'm a bit of a picky eater and don't like a lot of things but I'll just say the things I really can't eat - very hot food, and seafood - and then everything else I do just eat because I know I can, I just might not like it that much. But if you have some genuine issues with food, can't you just politely tell the host that?

Mamamaiasaura · 19/07/2012 19:56

I am quite and at the cling intolerance here.

WorraLiberty · 19/07/2012 19:57

Rose those real examples you posted are exactly what a fussy eater is to me and yes I do think that's very rude.

However, what the OP and others have described are foods that people don't like/can't stand.

I think you've hit the difference on the head there. The former is fussy and the later is simply personal taste.

Mamamaiasaura · 19/07/2012 19:57

Cling?? Cling?? I meant fucking. Can't even swear properly

Eggrules · 19/07/2012 19:58

DrowninginDuplo - I will always try and work round know likes and dislikes but you do actually have to tell me.

WerthersUnOriginal · 19/07/2012 19:58

I think if someone is coming for a meal they need to be clear before they come what they can't eat especially if there are quite a number of things.

I do usually ask people if there is anything but I think it's polite on both sides to make the effort to be clear.

Pandemoniaa · 19/07/2012 19:59

I don't think anyone has assumed that they should eat or like the same food as their host. Let alone compared an invitation to eat with being force-fed some sort of Dinner from Hell.

I do think that a good host always checks what their guest can/can't/won't eat beforehand and cooks accordingly. To do otherwise is always a risk and not good hospitality either.But if you are a guest whose food preferences have been checked out then what is so difficult about eating what has been served? Or at least making a polite effort? If you really cannot tolerate food that other people have prepared - I know someone like this - then don't accept dinner invitations in the first place.

Mamamaiasaura · 19/07/2012 19:59

worral androae so what is your recommendation for my ds2 who will only eat grated cheese and not chunks of cheese, or only round peeled slices of cucumber?

WorraLiberty · 19/07/2012 20:00

Worra, how often do people buy other people clothes? No one except my mother and my partner buys me clothes. My mother frequently gets it wrong, I smile, nod, say thank you and never wear it.

At Christmas, Birthdays etc...

I'm sure you could still answer the question though even though no-one except your mother and partner buys them for you?

If someone you saw regularly (so there was no chance of binning the outfit) bought you something dreadful to wear, would you wear it simply because they'd put lots of effort into buying it for you?

I think this scenario can easily be compared to forcing yourself to eat something you think is vile because someone put a lot of effort into cooking it for you Yellow

yellowraincoat · 19/07/2012 20:00

What intolerance, Mamamaiasaura?

Most people have said they'll cater for stuff if they know in advance. I always ask people if there's anything they don't like before they come to my house.

But if someone sits down at my table and turns their nose up at what I've cooked, then yeah, I'd be a bit hurt.

I'm a language teacher, most of the people I know aren't British, and I can honestly say that I only ever meet Brits who are fussy eaters. Italians, Spanish, Germans will eat pretty much anything.

I've never dared to cook for a French person.

bogeyface · 19/07/2012 20:02

I think the problem for me with fussiness is that due to friends and family I mentioned above, I have seen people not able to fully enjoy a meal because of what they cant eat through no fault of their own. So to see someone pulling childish faces and saying "eurgh, I dont like potatoes with skin on......" makes me really fucking mad.

BobbieSox · 19/07/2012 20:02

I think YANBU OP. If I'm asking people round for dinner I would never run the menu past them first. I would probably cook something that I would expect to appeal to most ie not liver, not vindaloo - although I love both of these! I wouldn't expect them to eat it if they hated it, but I also wouldn't expect them to make it obvious if they hated it.

I guess what I mean is I was always told it's rude to leave food at someone else's house and while I was a terribly fussy child who did leave food I didn't like, I felt embarrassed by that.

Honest question - what's really so bad about swallowing a couple of mouthfuls for politeness' sake?

G1nger · 19/07/2012 20:02

I used to be an extremely fussy eater. I wouldn't try new food because I was brought up to believe that I'd have to eat it even if I didn't like it. With much patience, my partner made it possible for me to start exploring new foods and I'm a very varied eater now.

It's not rudeness. It's deep-seated something - fear, maybe? I don't know. But it's not rudeness. My eating habits just went wrong due to the way I was brought up. I am 'fixed' now - but that wasn't an easy process that could have happened in any one mealtime.

WorraLiberty · 19/07/2012 20:03

Mama I'm not sure how old your DD is but I'm personally talking about adults here.

Children are a whole different kettle of fish and will often grow out of certain things anyway.

yellowraincoat · 19/07/2012 20:03

Worra, like I said it's not really the same thing. For a start, no-one I know would ever buy me clothes, it would be odd if they did. So I can't really imagine it.

For another thing, food is made to be eaten at a particular moment. By not wearing something I don't like, I'm not really spoiling a party or whatever.

pictish · 19/07/2012 20:03

Jesus Christ - this is the very epitome of a first world problem though, isn't it?

'But I don't liiiiiiiiiiike peeeeeeeeaaaaaaaas'

Do go away.

Eggrules · 19/07/2012 20:03

Yellow 'are you suggesting I'm a cunt who feeds their friends all manner of disgusting shit just to test them?'

Mamamaiasaura happy to provide that, I will even buy the specific cheese of your DS's choice. I wouldn't be put out if he wouldn't eat it. I do get pissed off when I do exactly as instructed and there is a massive meltdown (including spitting on the table) because a picky eater wanted to go straight to dessert.

Mamamaiasaura · 19/07/2012 20:04

I was referring to posts regarding grated/sliced cheese. Ds2 has sensory processing issues and also issues where things have to be a certain way. He's very young so starting out on path of autism. This isn't him being difficult. My ds1 eats everything and tries everything. Our rule is that as long as you try the food. We had never understood the complexity of needs such as autism and I was ignorant when ds1 was small when some of his friends would only eat certain things. I have wished up now.

bogeyface · 19/07/2012 20:05

Even the best eaters sometimes have to force things down you know!

I have been to a dinner party where the hostess made a huge effort and spent alot of money. The food was awful. She was a terrible cook! But we ate it, because we love her and we knew how hard she had tried to make a good meal for us.

Pandemoniaa · 19/07/2012 20:05

I don't see the intolerance. Has anyone said they wouldn't be prepared to serve food that suits their guests? It wouldn't cause me a problem to feed your ds2 grated cheese rather than chunks or round peeled slices of cucumber. All that would be necessary to ensure that I got it right was some prior knowledge. Not because I am intolerant but because of the importance of preparing food in the way he needs to have it prepared.

Schrodingershamster · 19/07/2012 20:05

I think it goes both ways.
People are allowed to dislike foods. Even adults. I dont see why anyone should have to eat anything they dont like. I dont like most salady things. Not cant eat just dont like. So i dont eat them. No one should have to eat what they dont like.
However i also would expect people to say beforehand if they dont like to eat something. Its a bit odd not to surely ? Especially if its a commonly eaten food ? (like salad )

noblegiraffe · 19/07/2012 20:06

IME people might say 'I'm cooking roast chicken' and I'll say 'lovely' and then when I get there they'll say 'and now for dessert a lovely bowl of strawberries and cream, or fruits of the forest pavlova (or whatever)' and I'll have to decline. No one ever runs by the complete menu. If I thought that they were then thinking 'what a rude cow for not eating any dessert' I'd actually be really upset. I don't go out of my way to cause problems and I do try to ascertain what will be served beforehand but still things like this happen.

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