to be upset that parents have complained about my daughter?

[thereslovely]

A group of parents in my 7 year old adopted daughter's school have complained to the school about her behaviour towards their little darlings. Fair enough she can be difficult (emotional, behavioural needs) but is also really sweet and lovable and can't help herself because of her start in life (attachment disorder.) Apparently the parents have been phoning each other up - the class teacher didn't even approve of their behaviour. My dd was not invited to the latest party (even though the little boy came to hers) and the other children in the class took their party clothes to school to change into. My daughter came out of school saying the little boy forgot to put her on his list but that she could still go (I know she was deliberately not invited because the mum is the ringleader of the group of parents.) I feel like having a word with the parents. I don't know if they know that my daughter is adopted and I feel like shaming them by telling them about her awful start in life. I wouldn't because it's her personal life story but what should I say? When I think of my little girl being excluded from parties, tears come to my eyes. I'm sure I couldn't do that to any child, whatever their behaviour was like.

I do too leanderBear

"Why over complicate and create pyscho[sic] babble for pure and simple bad behaviour."

Because, in many cases, the law states that you must.

It is precisely this kind of attitude which necessitates legislation for children who are or who have been in the care system.

What tethers said makes sense.
Does the school know about your DDs early years and that she is adopted?

They would surely have to offer her support if they do.

and we managed 8 whole pages before we got onto the nature v nurture debate

She's only 7.

Why does life have to be so hard.

there is no debate, they are both very important.

Thanks all. It has been interesting to hear your comments. I'm off now as it's getting a bit heated and I am feeling a bit uncomfortable.

Possible scenario for that heinous teacher. While we're all speculating about motivation, etc.etc.

She has had a complaint from X mum who backs up her complaint by saying she's spoken to other mums who agree with her. This could be a reason for revealing the other mums bit.

As for the clothes changing at school - we don't know that that teacher did/didn't know who was/wasn't invited, so she may just have been being helpful. Or should she take a list of who's going to what party to check for exclusions?

Also, the OPs' DD said same COULD go to the party, so what happened there?

thereslovely - sorry to repeat myself but in case you missed it, I hope you are aware of Adoption Uk forums.

op I think you need to get to the bottom this with the school and get the support your dd needs and deserves

OP, just another point of view here:

My son befriended a boy who was in care, new to the same school as him, a year older.

The friendship gradually cooled to the point where it became antogonistic and hostile. The lad took against DS (9) and would take every opportunity to thump him. After a while of fuming and talking it out with DS (who is mouthy I must say), I had to advise him to run for the hills whenever he was approached by this boy.

I couldn't trust DS not to stoke it up verbally, but I now view it as a real safety issue. This boy is obviously prepared to go far further than most 10 year olds and I can't have him at risk.

The school contacted me by phone one day, to tell me the boy had gotten someone to hold DS's arms behind his back whilst he was strangling my boy and punching him in the stomach. This was the worst ina long chain of incidents, certainly not an isolated one.

I got the impression that it was stopped really quickly and that the teachers were more concerned about the potential danger than DS was about the attack.

The school has instructed them now to keep away from one another and even allocated them separate classes next year, they were that worried. I was assured that they were watching them like hawks, to the extent DS got a yellow card for approaching and antagonising the other lad, which I thought was fair enough.

I am not angry any more, I don't "need" the other lad to be punished: they just cannot socialise ever because I and the school, are really concerned about DS's safety.

I maybe haven't articulated it very well, but I guess I am trying to show you that it mightn't be malicious on the whole, they just might have the tigress instinct, like you do. They just want to protect their young.

I hope it works out for you and your DDs.

OP I know nothing about adoption or attachment disorders but wanted to add my support to you. I've read the whole thread and I am horrified by some of the judgemental posts I've seen. I completely agree with what Abody said earlier. If nothing else this thread has perhaps given you an insight into the mindset of some of the parent's at your DD's school . I can't believe some people who (not in RL but on here at least) know what your DD may have been through honestly think she's "naughty" and that a bit of extra discipline is the answer. FFS!!

FWIW I would consider promoting friendships with a small number of children on a one to one basis. They can get to know your lovely DD in an environment she feels comfortable in.

If there was a child in one of my DC's classes with these difficulties I would want to be supportive. If they are happier, their behaviour will most likely improve and the whole class will benefit.

I wouldn't be expected to tolerate someone hitting or otherwise abusing me in work, to invite them to my birthday party and forced 'understand' their violence toward me and feel sorry for them because of their 'sad' background. As an adult, I have rights, why should children be any different? I would never teach my child to tolerate violence toward her, to accept being terrorised or force her to invite her bully to ruin her party and feel their pain, most people are not happy to allow their child be used as a punching bag for another regardless of the excuses.

I doubt very much that all these parents are contacting each other and the school unless the behaviour is a lot more serious then you are letting on, she is obviously causing great distress to some kids, enough for their parents to be very worried about her effect on them. The are only trying to protect their own children, which is what any loving parent would do. Your attitude of contempt for the children being hurt by your daughter isn't going to help her (quite the contrary) and will anger the parents of those she has hurt further.

yabu to think that other kids need to put up with being bullied and their parents should force them to endure it in the name of 'diversity'. They won't.

nologo shocking and sad for your DS to experience this. But, again, this is not the OPs child, and it makes me feel uncomfortable that you are linking your DS experience of being bullied by a child in care with the OPs situation so god knows how the OP might interpret that.
a) there is nothing that the OP has suggested to indicate that her DD behaves in this manner and
b) this child you are talking about is 10. that is a whole 3 years older than the OPs child.

It is not the same.

This thread has triggered me. I have namechanged.

My dd was (is) my little darling. I hardly ever told her off or nagged her about anything. I always wanted her to be able to come to me and tell me the truth, whatever it was, so that I could best help her through childhood.

She went to pre-school with a little boy who could only behave when she was there. She was such an easygoing, accepting little girl. The pre-school advised the dear boy's mother that he couldn't go when my dd wasn't there.

They went to reception together, he made her life hell. Whenever she tried to play with another child he was horrid to her. He used to hurt her. She didn't want to go to school. I had met his mother by this point. She had anxiety/social disorders and she smoked pot. I felt sorry for her ds, even though he was making my dd unhappy, actually ruining her reception experience. He was invited to her whole of year party, but I had mentioned to my playground friends about him. They didn't get involved, maybe because he was so focussed on my dd.

I felt sorry for the ds and the whole family, he had siblings. But one day the reception teacher took me aside and told me that he had stuck his finger up my dds anus.

He left the school shortly afterwards, I was not sorry. I never bitched about this to anybody. As far as I am aware it is only me and the teacher/TA/ relevant authorities who know. I didn't tell my dh.

I am not a bitch and my dd is my little darling.

ataglance yes I agree. that fact that there are lots of supportive parents on this thread who would want to help support the OP and her child if at her school means that while this thread highlights the barriers you face, it also highlights that schools will therefore have parents with whose children DD can form close relationships with. OP seek those good positive parents out, they will be good for you and for your DD, and your child will flourish and will be good for those children.

Nowhere have I seen the OP mention that her DD has been accused of bullying or any other particularly shocking acts. Surely if this was the case the school would be/ should be obligated to tell her so she can address it? No wonder people who have been through the care system have such poor outcomes in life if they are all tarred with the same brush.

A couple of parents on here seem more concerned with being 'understanding and accepting' than they are with their own child's well being. At cist to their pwn children. How the hell do you live with yourselves?

Bequem - I'm sorry this thread has upset you but your bad experience does not relate to the OP's and although that was a horrible time for your dd she was always loved and cared for and supported. Can the same be said for the other child - doesn't sound like it.

OP, you should consider posting over on the adoption threads.

NL thanks for writing that. I attempted to, but it sounded less eloquent than you so I deleted it before posting.

whilst what happened to your dd is terrible, i dont see the need to "share" this with OP. In fact im quite disgusted you have, it has nothing to do with OP and it has nothing to do with her daughter. why would you feel the need to sahre that with her on this thread?

What a nightmare situation for you and your dd. You cannot make children like each other or pick their friends but when parents get involved and gang up it is just despicable.
I do see the other side as well though. As a mother I would protect my children to the end and would do anything I could do make their life pleasant. My ds (7) has been hurt on numerous occasions by a boy he has been in a class with since Reception. He is a really nasty piece of work and singles out my ds and others because he knows they'd never do anything back. When ds was having a party last year he wanted to invite all the class except this boy. My reaction.....fine. He has to put up with the little git every day, why would I intentionally spoil his birthday and party by making him feel threatened and frightened?
Of course I am not saying your dd is a bully but I am disagreeing with the people who are saying you cannot invite the whole class apart from one.

you didnt tell your DH, bizzarre.

bequemstens, I'm sorry about what happened to your DD but, What the hell does it have to do with this thread?