to be upset that parents have complained about my daughter?

[thereslovely]

A group of parents in my 7 year old adopted daughter's school have complained to the school about her behaviour towards their little darlings. Fair enough she can be difficult (emotional, behavioural needs) but is also really sweet and lovable and can't help herself because of her start in life (attachment disorder.) Apparently the parents have been phoning each other up - the class teacher didn't even approve of their behaviour. My dd was not invited to the latest party (even though the little boy came to hers) and the other children in the class took their party clothes to school to change into. My daughter came out of school saying the little boy forgot to put her on his list but that she could still go (I know she was deliberately not invited because the mum is the ringleader of the group of parents.) I feel like having a word with the parents. I don't know if they know that my daughter is adopted and I feel like shaming them by telling them about her awful start in life. I wouldn't because it's her personal life story but what should I say? When I think of my little girl being excluded from parties, tears come to my eyes. I'm sure I couldn't do that to any child, whatever their behaviour was like.

Op do you think those 2 minor incidernts are realistic of your dds behaviour. It sounds to me from what you say in your OP that she does have some difficult behaviours that you are well aware of and if that is the case then think if realistically these minor incidents sound accurate or not.

Again i would look at the teacher here and how she is managing things. Because if your dd has the problems associated with attachment disorders, than maybe the teacher has not been communicating with you effectivly. Im very suspiciuos of the teachers conduct here if Im honest.

I thinkyou should seek a meeting with the class teacher, head and request support from senco. i would do this quick sharp and ask them about what they intend to do to accomodate your dd better in september and attempt to preveny situations like this in the future.

And 'their learning of emotions and socialisation'?! Why over complicate and create pyscho babble for pure and simple bad behaviour.

I'm really genuinely shocked by some of the responses on here. katie2mum - she isn't saying she wants to tell the parents about the adoption to excuse her daughter's behaviour, or (and i can't believe you suggested this) to say she 'isn't her daughter when's she isn't lovely' (what?!) She is suggesting letting the other parents know that her daughter had a rough time PRE-adoption and as a result has attachment disorder and behavioural issues that aren't easy to resolve (honestly, just tell her to 'comply and comform' OP, it's that straightforward apparently!) What is the matter with some of you? "keep your 'jeremy kyle' daughter away from our 'nice middle class schools'" Charming.

theenthusiastictroll but, surely, if the OPs child, or any other child, was treating other children in a way that made them feel like that, which we don't know is happening, they should be speaking to the parent concerned, in this case the OP, or the school, and not taking it into their own hands and clearly making it much worse for all the children concerned including the OPs child, who is, by the way, still a young child herself. She is not an adult fully capable of reason, understanding and self control, whether or not she has behavioural difficulties she would not have all those things.

If my child was made to feel unable or afraid of going to school due to the behaviour of another child, i would speak to the parent, speak to the teachers and ask if we could speak together with the parents of the child in question. There is no way on this earth I would make assumptions and ostracise a young impressionable child by gossiping amongst others and make that whole family feel like utter shit.

There is a way to deal with situations, and this is not it.

I know little about attachment disorder Secret, but even I can imagine that a child who has come from perhaps an abusive or neglectful background will have more difficulty with their behaviour and social skills than one who does not. So I certainly wouldn't call it psycho babble. Especially if you don't have any knowledge or experience of it!

I agree cansu but Im not convinced that the parents have acted in this way, rather they have complained and this is the picture the teacher has painted.

I agree mob handed is very off. but I dont know how the OP or anyone can truely know that is what happened.

Maybe afew parents have complained indipendantly and maybe they all said, im aware child x has also had similar issue and the teacher has then esculated that.

Secretplace saying 'Why over complicate and create pyscho babble for pure and simple bad behaviour.' just shows how little you understand about this scenario. Absurd comment.

secretplace that sounds like a truly horrific experience and I am sorry you have had to experience that. but that child, those children, they were not the OPs child.

cornishsue I appreciate your message. You are so right. That has been my experience - my family (including my other adopted daughters) is so isolated because of their varying needs.

Northernlurker - actually I didn't say that about the OP's child. I meant it as a general comment in reply to that post.

People make too many excuses for bad behaviour

Absolutely absurd. No doubt we'll be hearing next about over-diagnosis of SN, how ADHD is just an excuse for bad behaviour etc. What's the overwhlming weight of psychological and neurological evidence compared to good homespun commonsense (aka crap from the DM), eh?
OP I have no easy answers for you but I wish you and your DD well and I hope you get the support you need.

I know you meant it as a general comment. A staggeringly ill informed general comment at that.

"they should be speaking to the parent concerned"

I disagree with that. they should talk to the school as only school are able to mintor and intervien in school. I would never talk with another parent and expect them to have controle over what happens in school and if another parent addressed something with me regarding my dd that happens in school I would direct them to the school and expect the school to find out what is going on and then talk with me.

thereslovely please can you PM me if for any reason my daughters name seems familiar to you. xx

It would seem people can't accept that children can be naughty. There MUST be some deep seated problem making them behave this way... Get real it doesn't always work like that.

I don't deny some poor children have had bad lives and they project this in bad behaviour. But crap about children being naughty is exploring emotions and social situations is just that, crap.

their learning of emotions and socialisation'?! Why over complicate and create pyscho babble for pure and simple bad behaviour I just wrote a very long post explaining attachment theory and how children learn, and how they become adults and the processes, but then I thought, if you are labelling a 7year old as having 'pure and simple bad behaviour' there is no way you would even read my post with thought and consideration secret so I changed my mind, there are plenty of places to learn more about it if you were inclined but your view has been fixed by your own childhood experiences and i doubt you want it to change.

Humour me Secretplace - how many children have you seen through primary school?

theenthusiastictroll well we will have to disagree, but that is because my DD goes to a very small school and I know all the parents well enough to feel they are approachable and vice versa but if I asked a parent if they knew of an incident and how did they wish to deal with it, and they directed me to the school that is fine, but I am a grown up and these are not criminal matters that mean we cannot talk to witnesses etc. Its not like I am suggesting talking to the child myself.

I agree with northern and Pavlov and the other sane, non pitchforky people.

Sorry you are getting a hard time here op, my heart goes out to you :( I hope you can get some proper support for your dd. do start another thread in adoptions or sn, aibu is full to bursting with nobspeople jostling to be the Most Baddest Assest Smackdownest Voice Of Common Sense.

secret but there is though. This child has had a really negative experience, and thus it has impacted on her behaviour as she adjusts to her new loving life. so accept it or not, it is pretty clear.

When was she adopted?

There is specific legislation surrounding education for Looked After Children which sets out quite clearly schools' responsibilities to support children to deal with the barriers to learning which they are very likely to face; social issues included. Some of this legislation is about to be extended to include recently adopted children.

It is absurd that the OP should have to rely on compassion from the school to get them to support her daughter. Many schools just don't have any- hence the need for legislation.

of course that is not crap secretplace you are saying children are inherantly bad then, I simply cant agree with that. all behaviour is a reaction, communication, exploration of acceptance and bounderies, even in most adults this is also true.

All behaviour is communication.

I would speak to the school and discuss the way forward for both your dd and yourself. I wouldn't approach the parents as it could upset you further and probably won't solve anything. If your dd is having a few difficulities then a plan of action needs to be drawn up to help her in the future. You could also ask the school to improve their communciation - maybe a home/school book?

I would ignore the party thing - that's not important in the long run. I can understand why the other parents are upset but their responses (if correct) are immature and they are not setting a good example to their children. Keep out of their way and go about your day with your head held high.

My child has difficulties (suspected ASD) and it is not easy having the 'difficult child'. You have to develop a thick skin. Unfortunately a lot of people just assume that there are no boundaries and you are a bad parent. This is very wrong and rarely the case.

There is plenty of evidance and research to suggest her bad experience has had an impact upon her brain development in comparison to children who do not have attachment disorders.

thereslovely. Do you know how many of the class were invited to the party? Sorry, if you have already said.

I still think the Class Teacher is the biggest culprit in all of this .....