to be upset that parents have complained about my daughter?

[thereslovely]

A group of parents in my 7 year old adopted daughter's school have complained to the school about her behaviour towards their little darlings. Fair enough she can be difficult (emotional, behavioural needs) but is also really sweet and lovable and can't help herself because of her start in life (attachment disorder.) Apparently the parents have been phoning each other up - the class teacher didn't even approve of their behaviour. My dd was not invited to the latest party (even though the little boy came to hers) and the other children in the class took their party clothes to school to change into. My daughter came out of school saying the little boy forgot to put her on his list but that she could still go (I know she was deliberately not invited because the mum is the ringleader of the group of parents.) I feel like having a word with the parents. I don't know if they know that my daughter is adopted and I feel like shaming them by telling them about her awful start in life. I wouldn't because it's her personal life story but what should I say? When I think of my little girl being excluded from parties, tears come to my eyes. I'm sure I couldn't do that to any child, whatever their behaviour was like.

So far the only things that the school have told the op her daughter has been involved in are two incidents which to be totally honest involve nothing more than normal seven year old learning to deal with situations behaviour.

I am pretty certain that if there were serious concerns over her behaviour the op would have been contacted earlier. Schools are good at providing support these days.

Sometimes there can be one or two particularly nasty or horrid or overbearing parents and/or children who can sway the rest of the group. I went through times at primary where one girl would tell the rest of the class not to talk to me and because they were so scared/ in awe of her they did as told.

Bequems, your daughters story has no relevance to this thread and I think it's bizarre that you would post about it on an internet forum to try and make some point (am not quite sure what that point is though) but you have hidden it from your husband ? It sounds absolutely horrific but I really don't think you should have posted. The Ops situation is a million miles away from yours.

Oh nice Abbylou. What a lovely way for a grown woman to describe a 7 year old child. I assume you've raised your concerns with your child's teachers and they've been unable to put sanctions in place?

Dear Lord - some of you people on here make me ashamed to be human.

Nobody wants their own child to get hurt by another, but where is your compassion? Children don't get taken into care or adopted lightly, it's because they have trauma in their life that some of you don't even seem interested in trying to comprehend.

OP - please look at Child and Adolescent Mental Health services in your area - they are brilliant.

Excluding a child is not the only way a school can deal with bullying behaviour.

NL school have been really good but they cannot stop every snide comment, pinch, poke, bruise etc. If your child had been through the same you would feel the same. I seriously dislike this child and there is no way I would have him in my care, hurting my child and ruining his birthday just because he might feel left out. I do know a lot about this child's background and it is not unsettled, traumatic in any way as far as I know. Obviously something makes him behave the way he does, but I know he does not have the background op's dd obviously does. If he did, I would obviously understand more but I would still find it hard to subject my child to this sort of treatment out of choice.

Completely agree diabolo and what is with the completely irrelevant comparisons some posters are drawing up here?

Kids really don't stand a chance do they? People so quick pigeonhole them with far too little information.

suituation i recall in my dc's class kids aged about 8 class of 35 2 kids with sn one girl gets punched in class the puncher gets frogmarched to office where he is excluded apparently this is the icing on the cake parents have been up in arms for months regarding this child who was one of the sn kids the other one being my dc who has a very annoying photographic memory. my dc spends the next week extreamly agitated till he explodes in a massive rant at home one day,the version of the event that came out of his mouth shocked me to the core.

the other sn child had been being systimaticly bullied for weeks my dc was able to state dates times ect and exactly what happened the most relivent being on that actual day.

child that got punched had throughout that day,

stolen a shoe off child
ripped his brandnew coat
flushed his lunch down the loo
knocked paint over on his picture
spent carpet/listening time spiking him with a kilt pin
and right befor the punch pushed a drawing pin into his back.

i took my son to see the headmaster the next day to say what he had seen and other child when directly asked confirmed every single detail,
mother of the child who got punched on being told was discussing it in the play ground very loudly and ofcourse her precious little angel couldnt possibly have done those things because everybody knows the puncher was a little shit.

lots of children will target kids with known issues because its fun to watch them either take the blaime or explode parents often dont help with the 'my child wouldnt do that' often one child who is percived to be bad may just be the loudest or the least sly they may even be allmost innocent.things are not allways what they appear to be.

Lisaro I think your post is an over reaction and frankly a bit insulting. Nothing the OP has described represents a "danger" to children. Any decent parent, myself included, would protect their child from real danger in a heartbeat. Let's not present all adopted children or those in care as a danger to our DCs.

I hate all these "not in my back yard" attitudes. It benefits society as a whole to support children from difficult backgrounds. What else should we do?

'I do know a lot about this child's background and it is not unsettled, traumatic in any way as far as I know.'

And therefore another completely irrelevant comparison

AllYours I'm a Safeguarding Professional in a school, deprived area, got 50+ children on a "monitoring" file, several live cases.

People haven't got a clue about how some others live.

It's difficult to say whether you or the other parents ABU especially as I only have experience of being the child bullied by children from difficult backgrounds so haven't had to make any parenting decisions based on that yet.

When I was in primary school my parents invited all the class to my parties (even the ones I didn't like). But and it's a big but - All the children were very well mannered and from very nice families. Not one of them would cause any actual pain to any of the other children (this included the very nice adopted boy)

We moved - First time me and my sister had met children from 'difficult' backgrounds:

• Sister had her arm badly broken by a child with SN (not severe enough to remove him from main stream education). The schools stance on it were kids will be kids - Erm... No! - Child was never invited to any of the other kids parties
• We were both bullied for having a posh accents (we used actual English not some disgustingly mangled, barely understandable gibberish)

There is only so much a child or parent should have to put up with, before deciding enough is enough. When my Ds is old enough all the children in his class will be invited to parties. Though I reserve the right to not include children who cause any harm to my Ds if he doesn't feel happy having them there.

ataglance I wasn't referring to the OP at all, but I can certainly see why you thought I was.

WithoutCaution, well said. Your last paragraph is my point exactly.

And can I add I was not referring in any way to adopted/in care children.

Op, I am so sorry you and your dd are going through this. There has been some good advice on here, but I think AIBU has attracted lots of really unhelpful posts. I think if you want advice on the situation, it would be worth posting on SN or the adoption boards, as others have suggested.

Good luck.

people are begining tompost some some strange comparisons now its getting weired.

I think the message should be

they are all only 7 so very young indeed to be dealing with each others behaviour with out support wether others have sn or not.

OPs child needs and deserves support and appropriate intervention.

The other children need support.

The teacher needs to begin to communicate effectively and stop the shit stirring.

The other parents should not be gossiping and just talk to the school and think about how they're reacting may impact on the child and her mother.

Op needs to get to the school and discuss this and ask some pretty seriouse questions as to why things have come to this.

And what is going to be different in september for her dd.

WithoutCaution - does that include children who speak disgustingly mangled, barely understandable gibberish?

Will you vet them as they come through the door?

I think the troll has nailed it.

Lisaro, fair enough. It seems things can get a little heated here when we're discussing keeping our DCs safe .

OP if you are still reading, I hope this thread hasn't been too upsetting and I wish you and your DD the best.

No need to ataglance I looked back and would have read it in exactly the same way. I was responding to a couple of posts which went off thread anyway, so tis my fault.

I have to say, that OP did not mention it was the school who had escluded her DD from activities, but that her DD had not been invited to a party. Whilst allowing the kids to change for a party would have been unfair (if that is what happened, it is not clear if that was what happened or if the kids simply had stuff with them for an after school event) a lot of words seem to being put into people's mouths. We have a rightfully frustrated mum (OP) who's DD is suffering, wether she has caused her alienation by her own actions or not, and clearly need more help from the school in managing the situation as well as some work by OP on integrating her with her peer group better.

But on the other hand you hve the parents who have complained to the school, and one of whom had declined to invite OP's DD to a party. As a parent if an incident had occured and my child mentioned issues with that child I may well speak to others, especially if their kids had been involved to get a balanced view. If these parents have no knowledge of OP's DD's history no-one can expect them to empathise. Parties are private events and no one is entitled to an invite to anyone's event, regardless of behaviour. It is not a kids right to attend a aprty just because someone in their class is having one. DD had been elft out before, and it hurts, but is a life lesson. Expecting understanding of an issue from people you don't want to tell about the issue will never work. I agree you don't have to tell, but equally if the other kids are unhappy or threatened in a child's prescence they do not have to invite them to special occasions. It is harsh when it happens, but the best thing you can do is work to move on from this. Try not to be angry with these parents for protecting thier own kids and ensuring thier well being in school and out is met, and work to try to integrate your DD in what ever way possible. Or brace yourself for more of the same, as without some compromise somewhere this will just continue, and that would be awful for your DD and for you OP. x

yy to what the Troll said

and if you are still reading, OP, my heart goes out to you and DD- think some of the things said on this thread have been ridiculous/just plain mean

good luck for September

This has gotten bizarre .

There's are serious lack of compassion and empathy in people. They must spend an awful lot of time being angry.

Sharklet, really good post and well-written.