to be upset that parents have complained about my daughter?

[thereslovely]

A group of parents in my 7 year old adopted daughter's school have complained to the school about her behaviour towards their little darlings. Fair enough she can be difficult (emotional, behavioural needs) but is also really sweet and lovable and can't help herself because of her start in life (attachment disorder.) Apparently the parents have been phoning each other up - the class teacher didn't even approve of their behaviour. My dd was not invited to the latest party (even though the little boy came to hers) and the other children in the class took their party clothes to school to change into. My daughter came out of school saying the little boy forgot to put her on his list but that she could still go (I know she was deliberately not invited because the mum is the ringleader of the group of parents.) I feel like having a word with the parents. I don't know if they know that my daughter is adopted and I feel like shaming them by telling them about her awful start in life. I wouldn't because it's her personal life story but what should I say? When I think of my little girl being excluded from parties, tears come to my eyes. I'm sure I couldn't do that to any child, whatever their behaviour was like.

Actually, purple, as "all the the family" aren't adopted they shouldn't be sharing that information with anyone unless the individual concerned is old enough to understand and make a decision about whether they want that information "shared with confidence".

Anyway, 7-year-olds are not always well behaved; I mean sometimes they act like investment managers who have been told the bonus is not in the post.

Also OP you may not have been in there at nursery stage, but some of the parents are not that great. I mean that they are not people you would normally like. That's what it is like at the school gate, like, er, school, all over again.

a little understanding would not stop parents addressing this with the school, it may provide some empathy but ultimatly if your dds behaviour is impacting on other children to such an extent it needs addressing regardless of the reasons behind the behaviour.

I think the gteacher is at thr root of some of this, the mre I read your posts. I think it sounds like she has issue with your dd and is voicing it through these parents and stirring up the shit, I would wonder what she has said to them to prompt this mass complaint. No way should she be telling you that they have been phoning each other etc. that is suspicious if you ask me.

Secret I disagree. I think it is very easy for incidents to be exaggerated. I also think that it allows other children and their parents to scapegoat the child "who is always causing trouble". However whatever the ops daughter may have done the parents of those concerned which I am sure is not the whole class should speak to the school PRIVATELY. It should not become the subject of gossip, exaggeration and exclusion. Your reaction of "she must have done something" shows how gossip can easily get out of hand. If one of these parents had said to you "oh little there's lovely is always in trouble, did you know she pushed my ds and took x's crayon last week and then the teacher had to send her out. It's terrible isn't it?" you would probably have agreed and passed this onto another parent even if the dd had done absolutely nothing to your ds. Think about it.

A bit of understanding coming from you would be a big bonus OP. and what do you expect in the way of understanding? All they know is their children are being upset and or hurt. They know nothing of your daughters past, which, to be fair, doesn't make what's happening to their children acceptable in any way.

You could ask for the understanding most 7-year-olds need. Any other type of understanding labels her for her primary school life.

My Dcs aren't adopted, but I felt my oldest ds needed extra understanding when he was a 6-year-old pain in the a*.

The boy who was then labelled even naughtier than mine at the time (which is saying something, sulky, disobedient, hitting people) became head boy of their primary.

What is happening to their children? I really and truly haven't heard much about this! The OP does not give the impression that her dd is beating up others all day and every day. She is 7 years old FFS!

Cansu nope don't think so.

When I was 7 (13 years ago bless) there was a boy in my class who used to terrorise the rest of us. Chewy in hair, ripping of clothes, pushing, shoving etc. I was going home in tears every day. My mum got sick of complaining and it was only later when talking to another parent that she realised he'd been doing it to everyone. They got together with other parents, discussed it, went to the school and finally something was done.
Obviously this is what my mum told me about the situation, I just remember hating him.

It could be gossip that's perfectly possible, but it's more likely from what the OP has said and the actions of the parents and teacher.

OP, I have no answers or advice but as the mother of 4 adopted children and also a foster carer, I wanted to say how I sympathise and undertstand. 3 of the my children are now adults and they went through school days without a single invitation or being invited home to tea/play. This is both because of physical difficulties and also behavioural. So I know how much it hurts. Also it meant my children were not able to experience the norms of childhood, and they had no idea what it was like to attend a party or playdate at any house other than their own. Those social norms that they could have learnt as children, they were not able to, which is so sad.

It hurts such a great deal and I understand your initial wish to tell the parents your child's sad history. I did that once, in a specific case, and I thought the parents were understanding. The truth was however, it just gave her something to gossip about and it was a decision I regretted. But I wish you and your daughter well, it's so sad a situation to which there is no real answer.
Good luck!

Sometimes a particular class' parents in a particular school can be like this.

My school had to be very firm with two parents about their pretty appalling behaviour towards another child with Aspergers/Tourettes/OCD. Yes, he would on occasion lash out but only after much provocation from these two boys who seemed to really enjoy winding him up and watching him unravel and my god their parents really escalated matters.

Now, I don't know what the truth of the situation is with your dd in school. I do suggest though that you need to get to the bottom of it, either by going in to observe yourself or getting some plain speaking from the class teacher. If she is either being victimised by an unpleasant coterie or is herself being untoward towards them then the school need to firmly address it and you/the school need to give her strategies for making friends.

I don't know about the wisdom of explaining her adoption to other parents, to garner their greater understanding and tolerance...the adoptions board might be better able to advise.

Cansu shes hardly going to tell us she's battering them everyday is she! Read between the lines. Bloody hell.

lisaro, but if the teacher knows of the childs past she should be trying to smooth things over with the other parents, to sort the situation and to try to stop the child from being excluded from social situations. Not gossiping to the op and probably the other parents about the situation.

The op never should have been told that several parents had got together to complain.

Dont underestimate how bloody naughty and malicious seven year olds can be by the way.

Hope the OP gets to the bottom of it. I'd speak to the parents myself and see exactly what's going on

cansu a 7 year old does not need to be beaten up all day every day to find coping with other childrens behaviour so hard that it makes them feel unwell, affects thier sleep and makes them feel victamised to the point it makes them anxious about going to school, incase they need to deal with xs behaviour. You must also remember that the children affected by this are also only 6 7 8 at the oldest probably.

There is no need for these parents to know the OP's daughter was adopted and had an awful start in life. All that's needed is that they rein in their bitchy tendancies and have some appreciation of what being a child means.

it is not very clear what she is doing infact, so she hasnt actually said she is not beating up on the all day every day.

lisaru of course it's not acceptable! I am tearing my hair out!

The OP knows only of two minor incidents.

thereslovely - are you a member of Adoption Uk? It is a fabulous organisation with the best internet forum you could ever find for parents of adopted children. These parents have incredible understanding of attachment disorder and the complex difficulties associated with adopted children.
It is a place where you will not be judged and will find true understanding. You are not finding that here and my heart goes out to you.

naughty and malicious ? i am clearly wearing rose tinted glasses. I hope beyond hope i never lose them and start seeing 7 year olds as malicious. That is a grown up view of a child's behaviour and their learning of emotions and socialisation. That makes me sad.

If the Op's daughter was causing the distress you describe enthusiastic then the child's parents should go to the school and make it clear to the school that they have a duty to protect their child and take whatever steps necessary to ensure this child's well being. BUT this does not give parents a right to gossip and act to exclude the OP's daughter. I have to say and I am ashamed to admit that before I had a child who has special needs I may well have jumped to conclusions about the OP daughter but I have hopefully learnt to react with more compassion and thought. Of course I would act to protect my child from harm and from distress caused by another but I hope I would do it in a more measured and sensible way.

What an incredibly painful situation. I'm sure you've had some good advice. I'm afraid I wasn't able to read all the thread. My thoughts are don't tell the other parents about your daughter being adopted. Speak to the teacher, find out what has been happening. Speak to your daughter about school behaviour. There will probably be some sort of monitoring system and you can reward her if she stays on track. Help her build friendships with playdates etc. And stay cheerful. And remember many non adopted children are pains at school. Try not to make everything about her start in life. Look forward.

thereslovely - in my opinion AIBU is the worst possible place to discuss this.

I'm sorry to hear this Op, your poor daughter. If those parents had any sense they would maybe think about why a child is acting out in this way rather than just condemning. A tribal, bitchy mentality seems to exist with some groups of parents in the playground. They are like children themselves.

Pavlov believe me, I went through it all and remember it clear as day. That one boy found out my dad had died when I was a baby and started saying things like 'your dads a bag of bones' etc etc. him and his friends ruined my childhood and if my mum was on here she'd say the same.

But I'm glad it happened because it moulded me to what I am today. :)

secretplace By 'she' are you referring to me? I have not been informed that my daughter is 'battering them' every day. I can only go on what I am told which I explained in an earlier post. I have acknowledged that there may well be incidents I have not been informed of.