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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be creeped out by photos of strangers holding my child?

142 replies

turboorange · 16/07/2012 21:33

After a paternity test when my LO was 18 months old she has starting seeing her biological father (once a week for the last 7 months). He took her out for the first time last week. I have no contact with him and all visitation is done through my mother. I have now seen photos on facebook of my daughter playing with people I don't know and have been told she saw her father's family too (I really don't like them). It makes me very uncomfortable and I don't want my LO leaving town with her father again. I might feel differently if she could fully describe her day. AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
turboorange · 16/07/2012 22:55

My mum has my daughter a lot so I can study. I really want a good job so I can provide for my LO. It sounds like I'm fucking up her life before its even begun properly.

OP posts:
FuckityFuckFuck · 16/07/2012 22:56

I shouldn't have asked. Just so upset now. I'm a posterchild for sterilisation I think

Of course you aren't. You are struggling to come to terms with how things have worked out. You need support and some help to sort everything out

Your mother sounds a bit controlling if she is saying she should adopt your DD when you ask her for help. Are there any Sure Start centres near you? Maybe ask your HV?

squeakytoy · 16/07/2012 22:57

Ok, you are obviously quite young if your mum is still at an age where she could get pregnant.

You are not going to lose her, but you do have to work on your feelings towards her father.

"But I've come to terms with her not being the baby I thought and she's still perfect and amazing"

Of course she is, and you are still her one and only mum. She wont remember any of this time, so the only person you are punishing is yourself. Go and see your GP if you feel that it is getting too much for you.

TheEnthusiasticTroll · 16/07/2012 22:58

I think your age is quite important now for the type of advice and support you get on this thread, it would be helpfull if you told us how old you are?

ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 16/07/2012 22:59

Remember, that even though your ex may have rights so do you. You both have equal rights, he cannot just take her from you.

Keep talking, you will get help here.

boredandrestless · 16/07/2012 23:01

turbo are you having any counselling?

Your feelings about your DD right now are to do with how you feel about her dad. He is seeing her regularly and has stepped up as a father. You don't have to be best friends but you do need to be able to communicate about your child together.

Your mum sounds rather toxic and she probably gets a big kick out of doing the hand overs and being 'friends' with your DD's dad. Don't go to her with your personal fears and worries. Talk to a friend or someone impartial. It's extremely weird that she offers to adopt your DD if you talk about your worries with her.

You can't claim sole ownership of a child. They aren't property. They are person entitled to a relationship with both of their parents.

I do think you should get some counselling, it will help you go through your current situation as well as your family situation.

Original poster
turboorange · 16/07/2012 23:01

I'm part of a group at a surestart centre. I'm a bit scared of them talking to my mum though the last time I said something to a HV and the went to her she was really off with me. I think she wants me back on my medication but I'm a bit scared of it, the settling in period made me behave strangely. Its so stupid. But if anything this has shown me I'm not okay. Really really not okay actually. I want my baby to be happy and I guess she will decided herself one day if her father is a good one. But I want to be happy too and I feel like I might lose her if she spends more time with other people than me.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 16/07/2012 23:04

From your last post I think a trip to see your GP is what you need to do as a priority.

If you should be on medication, then you should be taking it. All medication for depression/stress/anxiety takes time to kick in. It is not an immediate fix.

whosgotmyhairytoe · 16/07/2012 23:05

I think the best step forward for you would be to join your local childrens centre. They have all kinds of services from mum and baby groups to family support workers, to parenting courses, dads groups, they can even provide mediation and act as a contact centre. I work in one I'm a walking advertisement. The people whowork there are generally lovely and non judgemental if you want to chat about anything.

Stop being so bloody hard on yourself we all have a bit of Jezza type skeletons in our closet trust me there are people with far more complicated lives than yourself. But right now it sounds as though you've got the weight of the world on your shoulders and just need an outlet and some support and advice. Here is great for that but it might be good to have someone face to face.

TheEnthusiasticTroll · 16/07/2012 23:08

those are all very natural fears Op but what you need to do is ground them somehow. and to that you need to able to say them out loud to someone to help you work through them. Go to your GP and ask to be refered for counselling, I think this will be the step in the right direction.

I think depending on your age there are other agencies that can step in provide some practical help.

As your HV or sure start about home start, it is a very good organisation which provides volunteers, mainly woman who have had their own children, to drop in and befriend you and help you. It is very succesfull for mothers like your self who are feeling isolated, it someone to talk to and share some of the worries and burdens of being a parent.

Original poster
turboorange · 16/07/2012 23:08

I probably sound about 15 :-( I'm at university not school. I work and I'm so competent at my job and my degree is going really well but I get home and I'm a mess.

OP posts:
kinkyfuckery · 16/07/2012 23:08

How old are you?

FuckityFuckFuck · 16/07/2012 23:10

last time I said something to a HV and the went to her she was really off with me

Did your HV say something to your Mum you mean? It's really important to have someone you can talk to in confidence, either a friend, or your GP, or a counsellor

You won't lose your daughter if she spends time with other people. You are her Mum, she will always come back to you.

I started posting with my judgey pants halfway up my thighs, but I now think I may have been a bit harsh. You do sound young, and you are dealing with a major life shift and it is natural to panic sometimes. There is a lot of help to be had on here, so please keep posting :)

whosgotmyhairytoe · 16/07/2012 23:10

The childrens centre staff won't be speaking to your mum what you discuss should be confidential. Who was off with you the hv or your mum I'm confused?

TheEnthusiasticTroll · 16/07/2012 23:12

sorry I ment add that something like home satrt may be helpfull if you need to step away from being so reliant upon your mum and allowing you to have other influences and other women to talk to who will not judge you quite like she does.

Original poster
turboorange · 16/07/2012 23:13

Okay, thank you troll and hairy toe. The last couple of weeks I've been really jealous of anyone having her. I have to work though. She also sometimes calls me by my name not mummy and that really upsets me. She calls my mum and stepdad mummy and daddy because my brother is only little and obviously calls them that and me and my sister keep forgetting to say Granma and Grandpa.Urgh. I don't even know why I'm so down all of a sudden it had got balanced.

OP posts:
Original poster
turboorange · 16/07/2012 23:14

My mum didn't think I should talk about her to the HV is what I meant.

OP posts:
Original poster
turboorange · 16/07/2012 23:15

I'm 25. I live in the next town along from my mum.

OP posts:
TheEnthusiasticTroll · 16/07/2012 23:16

sounds like you have a lot to juggle. children often at that age call thier parents by their names, that is quite normal.

If your mum is doing the majority of your child care, I would probably look into a nursery or childminder to break it up a bit for your own sake to make a natural balance of contact with your mum.

FuckityFuckFuck · 16/07/2012 23:17

DS is 3 and sometimes calls me by my name. I think they can get confused when they are little because other people call you something different

Original poster
turboorange · 16/07/2012 23:19

I should be able to afford nursery from september and I'm hoping it'll help. I want her to mix with children outside of the family.

OP posts:
Original poster
turboorange · 16/07/2012 23:20

Going to make some tea nad try calm down a bit. I'm due to see my gp about other stuff and maybe he'll know what I should do about meds and counselling.

OP posts:
FuckityFuckFuck · 16/07/2012 23:22

Ooops posted too soon

They like to copy other people, so calling you by your name is quite normal.

Does your uni have a nursery? You could maybe see about taking your DD there a couple of days a week so she would still be close to you

whosgotmyhairytoe · 16/07/2012 23:25

Don't worry about the name thing children don't understand they just copy what everyone else says.

Try to stop doubting yourself and remember you can probably get help with childcare costs though tax credits.

Letting go a bit does get easier as they get older.

TheEnthusiasticTroll · 16/07/2012 23:26

It will all work out ok if you are strong and manage things well and get to grips with how you feel. Hope you get some rest and see things clearer in the morning.It does not need to be a mess any longer you need to take controle your self and pull some of it away from your dm and asking for help and support from GP and sure start will help.