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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be creeped out by photos of strangers holding my child?

142 replies

turboorange · 16/07/2012 21:33

After a paternity test when my LO was 18 months old she has starting seeing her biological father (once a week for the last 7 months). He took her out for the first time last week. I have no contact with him and all visitation is done through my mother. I have now seen photos on facebook of my daughter playing with people I don't know and have been told she saw her father's family too (I really don't like them). It makes me very uncomfortable and I don't want my LO leaving town with her father again. I might feel differently if she could fully describe her day. AIBU?

OP posts:
whosgotmyhairytoe · 16/07/2012 21:36

yanbu but if he is a good dad ad you have no reason not to trust him then let it be.

Why is contact through your mother though was there violence?

McHappyPants2012 · 16/07/2012 21:36

Why is contact done via your mum.

lurkedtoolong · 16/07/2012 21:38

YABalittleU It's not U to be wary of your child spending time with people you don't know but he is her father and they are her family. Are you concerned she is in danger or are you just uncomfortable that you don't know the family very well?

MrsFaffnBobbocks · 16/07/2012 21:38

I would feel the same. YANBU. Could the arrangement include an agreement that he will visit and take her out within her home town? I can understand that he wants to build a relationship with her, but he doesn't have to take her far to do that.

cansu · 16/07/2012 21:40

Whilst I understand it must be upsetting you will probably have to get over it because as her father he has the right to introduce his daughter to friends and family. You would probably feel more comfortable if you had more direct contact with her father as at least you could then ask what his plans are and feel more in the loop about where your dd is going to be and who she will be with. Why is contact through your mum?

squeakytoy · 16/07/2012 21:40

If you have no contact and dont like his family, how come you can see these photos?

TheEnthusiasticTroll · 16/07/2012 21:42

yanbu to feel like this however you need to put these feelings behind you and support your dd in building a conection with her family.

however if you have any concerns other than just not liking them you should maybe have contact through a contact centre, but i would not advocate that unless you think she is not going to be cared for by him or she is unhappy seeing him.

I think in time this will be less of an issue, my dd spends time with her dad and his family and friends, many of which I dont know very well. I dont know any of his new partners relatives, but dd seems to like them and they are her a conection in her family so its not an issue for me.

I can emphasie though with the fact you worry abiut your dd i do still worry at times he is keeping an eye on her and holding her hand on the road etc, buit ultimatly that is my problem and not theirs.

TheEnthusiasticTroll · 16/07/2012 21:44

I would work on building up your own direct communication with him as this will very much help build trust in him.

sensuallettuce · 16/07/2012 21:44

YABU - DS2's mums house is full of photos of DS2 with his step-mum and younger brther and with his dad and step-mum.

I am sure her (ex MIL) friends think DS2 is his step-mums child even though I have brought him up alone for his entire 10 yrs of life and his dad has seen him twice a month after he started fucking herbehindmy back when I was pregnant.

Although DS2's step-mum has now left :)

sensuallettuce · 16/07/2012 21:45

Grams house Hmm

sensuallettuce · 16/07/2012 21:45

Gran argh!!

Original poster
turboorange · 16/07/2012 21:46

It's through my mother because seeing him makes me feel nauseous. We weren't together long and I never intended to have a child with him. He has a temper but was never violent to me and I think he wants to be a good dad but I think he is useless with children and I worry he'll forget to change her nappy and other basic things. I think his dad is a pervert. No danger to children but I came back twice to my ex's house in the 6 weeks we were together to walk into his room and find his dad watching porn (he thought everyone was at work, he didn't actually live in the house, he rented it to his sons).

I don't think she's in danger as such just worried about standards of hygiene/care/food/drink/nappy changes. I also don't know what these people are like. I know he smokes like a chimney and I don't want her being poisoned 2nd hand.

OP posts:
Original poster
turboorange · 16/07/2012 21:47

I can see the photos because he is friends with my mum on facebook.

OP posts:
LemonBreeland · 16/07/2012 21:49

Why didn't you organise contact through a contact centre to begin with if you don't even trust him to change her nappy.

squeakytoy · 16/07/2012 21:58

So for the last 7 months, has he been coping ok with her?

McHappyPants2012 · 16/07/2012 21:58

I think you are best building the trust between you and dd dad.

This arrangement will not work in the long term, what will happen at school plays, sport days parent evenings ect

Original poster
turboorange · 16/07/2012 21:59

My mum is like the contact centre I guess. She thinks I'm unreasonable because he's trying to get involved and I don't want him to be. The man I thought was my LO's father is someone I'd known forever and trusted completely. Even though we weren't together by the time my LO was born she went to stay with him regularly and I loved seeing the photos of her having a good time because his family are all normal and trustworthy and adored her. I feel awful that now she's stuck with this crap family all because of a mistake with dates.

OP posts:
LentillyFart · 16/07/2012 22:00

So did he initially deny being the father?

Original poster
turboorange · 16/07/2012 22:00

She has no father on her birth certificate so I'm not really sure if her father can demand access rights?

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 16/07/2012 22:01

Sounds quite a mess. Confused

Original poster
turboorange · 16/07/2012 22:02

He wanted to be her father the whole time despite the brevity of our relationship. I started seeing him during a break from my long term partner. Its all a bit Jeremy Kyle. How do people co parent with someone they dislike intensely?

OP posts:
McHappyPants2012 · 16/07/2012 22:02

Yes he can and unless there is a good reason the courts will grant access.

kinkyfuckery · 16/07/2012 22:03

If her father has done nothing to harm her, you cannot deny him because you don't like him! Maybe you shouldn't have had unprotected sex with him?
His father is not a 'pervert' just because he watches porn, and her family are not 'strangers' just because you haven't vetted them first!

Original poster
turboorange · 16/07/2012 22:04

The test was only done when her eyes turned brown. Genetic impossibility given the colouring of daddy no.1 and I. Meh. I don't want to see him but I guess I'll have to?

OP posts:
thebody · 16/07/2012 22:05

Your mum is Acting to make sure your dd knows her daddy. But it's too much for you... She's too young to be away from you at 18 months!!

You had a baby with a man you didn't plan to,, it's life..

I totally understand you are anxious about ' strangers' with your baby so if it were me I would start by talking to the father, to be fair you do know him quite well!!! Renew the relationship together by trips to park etc.

Plenty of time for him to take dd to his house when she is older, no need now.

It is what it is,,, if he wants to be a good dad then that's great and in time your dd will benefit.