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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be creeped out by photos of strangers holding my child?

142 replies

turboorange · 16/07/2012 21:33

After a paternity test when my LO was 18 months old she has starting seeing her biological father (once a week for the last 7 months). He took her out for the first time last week. I have no contact with him and all visitation is done through my mother. I have now seen photos on facebook of my daughter playing with people I don't know and have been told she saw her father's family too (I really don't like them). It makes me very uncomfortable and I don't want my LO leaving town with her father again. I might feel differently if she could fully describe her day. AIBU?

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 16/07/2012 22:21

If it's any consolation, I expect the whole situation is just as awkward for him.

YouOldSlag · 16/07/2012 22:23

Voice of experience here OP. If maintain this "nausea" for your DD's father, your DD will pick up on it and will always feel guilty about seeing him. She may end up feeling she can never please either of you and may end up with zero self esteem and a feeling she can never make you happy.

Because that's what happened to me when my mother could never disguise her hatred of my Dad.

McHappyPants2012 · 16/07/2012 22:25

Op you have got your self into a mess.

When you found out you was pregnant did you tell daddy number 1 he may not be the father. I can not believe his family has turn there backs on her how sad

Original poster

turboorange · 16/07/2012 22:26

So basically I am unreasonable?

OP posts:

yeahbaby · 16/07/2012 22:26

It's not his fault that there was a daddy number one. From your posts it sounds like you told another man he was the dad but when this one found out he was biologically the father he had tried to step up. It will have been hard on him finding out he had an 18month old that he had had no contact with.

TheEnthusiasticTroll · 16/07/2012 22:27

did the other family believe your dd was their own then? and then found out she was not/ if that is the case then it is only natural they will break away and probably best for your dd in the long run to happen now she will be too young to remember.

did you get together with the other man after dd was born and so she is a step child, because if that is the case, then they are horribly controling and possesive and I would be out the door for my own dds sake anyway.

seems her birth father is and should be the only dd she can rely upon and you should be embrasing that give your dd the best and stable life she deserves. but in order to that you need to step upto and just accept it.

squeakytoy · 16/07/2012 22:27

"I can not believe his family has turn there backs on her how sad"

It is understandable though. Their son was no longer in a relationship with the mother, and the child is no relationship to him. What would be the point in carrying on a relationship as the child got older and it would become more confusing to explain it to her.

Original poster

turboorange · 16/07/2012 22:28

I didn't believe that it was a possibility. My dating scan was on my side. I just want her to myself really. She is my reason.

OP posts:

TheEnthusiasticTroll · 16/07/2012 22:29

yes you are but there is also lots of very sound advice and everyone has been very undrstanding towards your situation, so please keep with the thread and take advice on. Im afraid you may flounce and that would be a shame as I think you could lots of support on here if you stick around.

yeahbaby · 16/07/2012 22:30

Then u need some councilling. Your child is not there to keep you happy. And if you carry on like this it will be a totally horrible childhood for her.

Original poster

turboorange · 16/07/2012 22:30

I thought because I'm the only official parent she would just be mine.

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 16/07/2012 22:30

Enthusiastic, OP was with BF1 then split, got with BF2 for 6 weeks, then got back with BF1. So from what she has posted BF1 assumed he was the daddy until genetics proved otherwise. But BF1 was not with OP for very long the second time and had split with before the baby was born anyway.

squeakytoy · 16/07/2012 22:31

"I thought because I'm the only official parent she would just be mine"

How old are you??

yeahbaby · 16/07/2012 22:31

Official parent????
So you wanted a sperm donor, not for your child to have 2 loving parents.

TheEnthusiasticTroll · 16/07/2012 22:33

thanks squeeky I seem to have missed a whole chunk. thread moving fast

Original poster

turboorange · 16/07/2012 22:33

It's really hard to explain whilst remaining vague enough that my mother won't ID me. I know she stalks this place to keep tabs on my step sister. My parents hate each other and it hasn't mattered to me unless they try poison me against the other. I won't say anything bad about him to people that know either of us. In public and to my friends I don't say anything really, it's embarrassing to admit to sleeping with someone you don't think highly of.

OP posts:

whosgotmyhairytoe · 16/07/2012 22:33

I just want her to myself really. She is my reason. that is pretty selfish, I can understand you being concerned about the hygiene and the smoking. But you will never have your child just to yourself you give your child unconditional love not the other way round.

Try and imagine your dd aged 5 first year at school all the other kids being picked up by their dads and she's not, because that's what some of us are faced with and it's horrible trying to explain to your child why their dad isn't around.

As she gets older you might actually be grateful for the break too.

WorraLiberty · 16/07/2012 22:34

OP if it's not too much of a personal question...how old are you?

EverybodysDoeEyed · 16/07/2012 22:35

She isn't a belonging - she is a little person that you have been honoured to have been given the responsibility of nurturing and guiding in life to

I know it is hard but you need to start taking a step back and think about what is best for her.

Socknickingpixie · 16/07/2012 22:35

yanbu to feel these things but you would be being ur to act on them or for your dd to pick up that you feel them so no wispered convos when shes around.

but you do have to just crack on with it and get used to accepting it,is there a reason why you cant re aquaint yourself with his family it really would be the best way to go

fwiw if i went into my house and found a relative who didnt live there watching porn and/or wanking in MY house i would be fuming but you kinda have to get over it

FuckityFuckFuck · 16/07/2012 22:35

A child is not a possession. Your DD is a person and you cannot cut her off from her own father/family because you just don't want to share.

kinkyfuckery · 16/07/2012 22:36

"I thought because I'm the only official parent she would just be mine."

Have you ever heard of the term 'using your child as a weapon'? It is extremely harmful to all involved. I suggest you STOP IT because your child WILL resent you if when she finds out your games.

squeakytoy · 16/07/2012 22:36

Even if your mum recognises you, she might be thankful that you are seeking some advice in dealing with your feelings about this. Because you really do have to deal with them.

You have to face up to the fact that this man is now going to be quite directly involved in your life for the rest of it.

Original poster

turboorange · 16/07/2012 22:36

Yeahbaby- Obviously I wanted a family. It didn't turn out that way. Then when the time came to register the birth my mum took me whilst my ex was at work. It didn't seem to be an issue then. Once all the paternity stuff started happening I read lots of things about parental rights and responsibilities and it seemed as though if one person is registered and raises the child full time then the other has no rights?

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 16/07/2012 22:37

"fwiw if i went into my house and found a relative who didnt live there watching porn and/or wanking in MY house"

but it wasnt HER house.. it was the house of the bloke she was seeing, not living with..

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