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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be creeped out by photos of strangers holding my child?

142 replies

turboorange · 16/07/2012 21:33

After a paternity test when my LO was 18 months old she has starting seeing her biological father (once a week for the last 7 months). He took her out for the first time last week. I have no contact with him and all visitation is done through my mother. I have now seen photos on facebook of my daughter playing with people I don't know and have been told she saw her father's family too (I really don't like them). It makes me very uncomfortable and I don't want my LO leaving town with her father again. I might feel differently if she could fully describe her day. AIBU?

OP posts:
TheEnthusiasticTroll · 16/07/2012 22:37

"My parents hate each other and it hasn't mattered to me unless they try poison me against the other"

without being patronising OP, But, your parents relationship may have more a part to play in all this than you actually realise. Please seek some counceling.

kinkyfuckery · 16/07/2012 22:38

He has no rights? He had rights the moment you fell on his cock and ended up pregnant.

yeahbaby · 16/07/2012 22:38

It sounds like you purposely registered your child when the man you thought was her dad was at work so that you would be able to say you were her offical patent and blockc the dad out.

thebody · 16/07/2012 22:40

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Original poster
turboorange · 16/07/2012 22:40

I was on medication and had started seeing a doctor but I just thought I could handle it myself. Until just recently I was okay with the balance, but now I feel really funny about her having a separate life with people I dislike or don't know.

OP posts:
FuckityFuckFuck · 16/07/2012 22:40

You have had a DNA test, your Ex has proof that he is the biological father, he has seen your DD every week for 7 months, he has agreed to go through your mother because you can't be arsed feel nauseous around him

I would imagine if he went to court, they would grant him parental rights regardless of you not wanting to share

whosgotmyhairytoe · 16/07/2012 22:40

It doesn't quite work like that, being on the BC is about parental responsibility which means having a say in what school your child goes to, basically having responsibility. He will always have a right to know his dd and she will always have a right to know her father, no court would stop contact unless there were safety issues.

Your posts are getting a little more worrying now.

squeakytoy · 16/07/2012 22:42

But you were happy for your child to go and spend nights away with your other ex when you thought he was the dad.

This is about your daughter and her wellbeing, not your repulsion at the man who you slept with.

Surely you must have known there was a slight chance that he could have been the father when you found out you were pregnant.

Original poster
turboorange · 16/07/2012 22:43

Oh I was living there. He offered me a place to live when I split up with my ex. Sorry my thoughts aren't really flowing properly. Getting really upset and my worries are childish the way you paraphrase me (not picking one poster out in particular). Just really really upset and panicking.

OP posts:
JustAnotherSod · 16/07/2012 22:43

No matter what your rights or his rights are, whether he is on her birth certificate or not, you know he is her dad and your DD has a right to a relationship with her dad - stop shirking from your responsibilities to her and start acting like the parent she needs you to be.

Original poster
turboorange · 16/07/2012 22:44

I moved in after having only met him a few times, it was the only place I could go that didn't involve getting a deposit together or rent.

OP posts:
TheEnthusiasticTroll · 16/07/2012 22:45

well one way or another you are going to have to hadle it all, the question is how.

  1. mediation between you and exp

And

  1. individual counceling for you
LadySybildeChocolate · 16/07/2012 22:45

It doesn't matter how you got here, it's where you're going which is important. You need to work with him, for your child's sake.

McHappyPants2012 · 16/07/2012 22:45

Op I think it would be worth seeing a solicitor who will give you facts about family law.

I think telling bf1 that he may not be the father 18 months later must of been very hard for you him and his family. I think it would be best to get some unbiased advice.

Original poster
turboorange · 16/07/2012 22:46

Should I just say how I feel to them (my mother, the biological father)? Or would it sound stupid? Every time I get upset about how things turned out my mum tries to convnce me to let her adopt my daughter.

OP posts:
JustAnotherSod · 16/07/2012 22:46

turbo - cross posted there, obviously things aren't feeling good for you at the minute but that is about your feelings not your DD's - perhaps a chat with your GP and seeking some help to come to terms with the DMA result is a good idea rather than wishing it would all go away?

whosgotmyhairytoe · 16/07/2012 22:48

Your mother wants to adopt your dd?

I definitely think you need some outside support.

Original poster
turboorange · 16/07/2012 22:48

I shouldn't have asked. Just so upset now. I'm a posterchild for sterilisation I think.

OP posts:
McHappyPants2012 · 16/07/2012 22:49

Turbo you mum sounds very controlling and toxic, adopt your dd because you ask her for advice is very worrying

TheEnthusiasticTroll · 16/07/2012 22:50

is your mother supportive? or is she off the mark with offering to adopt dd? that seems strange, not sure what her motives would be, could be out of genuine concern that you are not coping.

I wouldnt say it to him staright off maybe some icereakers would help first. that is why you need mediation, you will be given a platform to voice your fears and rationalise them as you will basically be told if they are unreasonable.

FuckityFuckFuck · 16/07/2012 22:51

Basically it was a big fuck up, that has created a big mess. That's fine, nobody on here is perfect, we have all fucked up and things haven't worked out the way we want.

However, you can't change the past. You can only deal with the here and now, and it is time that you started dealing with it like a reasonable, responsible woman.

The best thing for your daughter is to see her father, and his family, regardless of your feelings. You have to start speaking to your Ex. You cannot hide from it, you cannot keep your DD to yourself.

If you think it will help, go back to your GP and ask about some counselling and maybe look into a mediation service

Original poster
turboorange · 16/07/2012 22:52

Yeah my mum can't have more children now, still trying but no luck. Initially when I first got the news I'd considered it. I felt like my perfect baby had been taken and I'd been given someone else's chld ( I know how heinous that sounds to those who can't have children or lost one in actuality). But I've come to terms with her not being the baby I thought and she's still perfect and amazing and I adore her more than anything and I really really don't want to lose her properly.

OP posts:
TheEnthusiasticTroll · 16/07/2012 22:52

Im not sure that is neccessarilly true McHappy Ops mum may just recognise her caotic life and feel her dd is better being cared for by her. It is impossible tell if she toxic or supportive.

Original poster
turboorange · 16/07/2012 22:53

I was really scared if I admitted those feelings then they would take her.

OP posts:
TheEnthusiasticTroll · 16/07/2012 22:53

OP what age are you?

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