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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be creeped out by photos of strangers holding my child?

142 replies

turboorange · 16/07/2012 21:33

After a paternity test when my LO was 18 months old she has starting seeing her biological father (once a week for the last 7 months). He took her out for the first time last week. I have no contact with him and all visitation is done through my mother. I have now seen photos on facebook of my daughter playing with people I don't know and have been told she saw her father's family too (I really don't like them). It makes me very uncomfortable and I don't want my LO leaving town with her father again. I might feel differently if she could fully describe her day. AIBU?

OP posts:
LadySybildeChocolate · 16/07/2012 22:05

It sounds to me as though you're angry and upset that this man is your child's father. I hate to be blunt, but it's your child's right to get to know her biological father and the rest of her family. You really do need to work through your issues.

TheEnthusiasticTroll · 16/07/2012 22:05

I think the contact arrangements need to be reconsidered so you do at least have some communication with him, nothing really youi have said you are worried about has any substance in suggesting he will not look after her properly. I can understand why you are concerned as he is not living a lifesdtyle similar to your own.

I would recomend getting intouch with a mediation service. I would not go through a contact centre as i think that it will be a step back for your dd to do so and would not be in her best interst. It seems they have began to build a relationship.

It is the contact between the both of you that needs addressing, you need to get over the feeling sick when you see him, just remind your self you have no emotional conection to him and any contact and communication is in the best interst for your dds happyness.

bite the bullet be strong and start to communicate with him, build it up by being around your dms house when he is picking up and dropping off,make sure your mum lets him know before hand. But mediation is very much what you need.

squeakytoy · 16/07/2012 22:06

Well to be fair, you didnt dislike him intently enough to have unprotected sex
with him. Confused

OHforDUCKScake · 16/07/2012 22:06

Hes hardly a pervert if he was watching porn in the privacy of his own home when he thought no one was there.

The father has proved himself for 7 months.

And do you know what, DP and I were pretty shit with kids until we had our own and even then Ive forgotten to change his nappy before.

However, I can imagine it makes you feel sick that the most precious person in the world to you is being taken away by a vertial stranger. I know that must be very hard. But keep in contact with him! You're cutting off your nose despite your face with that one.

Explain shes pfb, if he wouldnt mind texting you after shes gone to bed to let you know how shes been. Etc.

McHappyPants2012 · 16/07/2012 22:06

Turbo you don't have to be best friends, just talk about DD and nothing else.

Original poster
turboorange · 16/07/2012 22:06

Kinky- I am pretty sure its pervy to w*nk in your son's bed?

OP posts:
yeahbaby · 16/07/2012 22:06

Her father has done nothing wrong from what you have said.
His dad is not a pervert for watching porn in a house he thought was empty.

YouOldSlag · 16/07/2012 22:06

YABU. You might not know them, but they are her family.

Be at least a tiny bit grateful that she has a father who loves her and wants to be in her life.

If your concerned about the smoking, say so.

Your child has two parents, not just you.

JustAnotherSod · 16/07/2012 22:06

He is her father, you can't change that - that is fact and she has every right to a relationship with him and his family. If she's been seeing him for 7 months, you can't seriously be suggesting you would change that now - that is very selfish of you and is only thinking of your needs not your DD's.

YABVU - you need to grow up, accept the situation and work to make the best of it, for your DD's sake if not your own.

WorraLiberty · 16/07/2012 22:07

Exactly what Kinky said.

TheEnthusiasticTroll · 16/07/2012 22:07

I totally disagree with thebody she is not too young to be away from her mother, she will be with her dad. You are underplaying his role and that is unfair, he has so far done nothing to suggest he is not going to be a good dad.

kinkyfuckery · 16/07/2012 22:08

"Daddy no.1"???

Tell me you aren't letting her call someone else Daddy, whilst her real father desperately wants to be part of her life.

You are right, it's all very Jeremy Kyle - but on your side, not his!

YouOldSlag · 16/07/2012 22:08

BTW I agree with other posters that you need to form a civil relationship with this man for your daughter's sake.

You are putting your feelings about him and his family before your daughter's right to have a father and extended family. Leaving it to your Mum because he makes you feel "nauseous" is not a good enough reason.

FuckityFuckFuck · 16/07/2012 22:09

So because you made a mistake and had a baby with the wrong person, you don't want your DD to see her father? Nice

He has been seeing her for 7 months and you haven't given any specific examples of what he has done "wrong"

I think you need to put your big girl pants on, control your 'nausea' and actually speak to this man

whosgotmyhairytoe · 16/07/2012 22:09

I'm genuinely sorry for you no point in preaching or punishing yourself for past mistakes (not your dd her father) what's done is done.

There's no easy way out of this because in theory unless there is a risk to her safety you cannot really justify stopping contact, not legally anyway. I agree with others this arrangement through your mum won't work out long term because when she's older it will get more complicated.

I'd suggest mediation for the two of you.

thebody · 16/07/2012 22:11

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

SugarBatty · 16/07/2012 22:12

I do feel for you op but you really are letting YOUR feelings cloud judgement. Could your mum suggest she tales dd out with her dad to parks, playcentres etc and meet his family there? That way there would be no smoky house issues and your mum would be familiar for your dd if she got wary of being around people she did not know.

She is not just your dd and you must learn to share her with her other family. I'm sure as she gets older it will get easier. Try be as positive as you can, is there no way you can get used to beinng around her dad for her sake. Its not about you its about your little girl and her having a positive upbringing by her parents.

Original poster
turboorange · 16/07/2012 22:12

I was having some sort of mental issue around the time of conception resulting in an OD. Was pretty messed up. Now I've come through it and I find it really hard to accept that I had a relationship with that person.

OP posts:
NellyBluth · 16/07/2012 22:13

YAB a little U, but I don't mean to have a go. It must be very strange and unsettling seeing your DD with strangers. However, you have agreed that she can spend time with her dad and unless that it restricted contact in a contact centre, while he is looking after her he can take her to meet his family and friends.

But I do understand the concern about hygiene and care. My DP took DD (6mo) to spend the day with his parents the other week, I spent the whole time panicking that he wouldn't change her nappy enough. I think that's quite a natural worry.

squeakytoy · 16/07/2012 22:14

Thebody, this child is over 2 years old now, and has been seeing her father for the last seven months. So he isnt a stranger.

FuckityFuckFuck · 16/07/2012 22:16

But you did have a relationship with him, and he is your DD's father.

You need to be grown up about it, and deal with life as it is, not as you wish it was.

The feelings of sending your DD away to strangers is not going to go away unless you make an effort to be civil to your Ex

LaurieBlueBell · 16/07/2012 22:18

I think you need to stop putting your own feelings before those of your DDs. Start supporting her right to have a relationship with her father.

I hope you don't project your feelings onto your dd, that wouldn't be fair.

TheEnthusiasticTroll · 16/07/2012 22:19

well that is unfortunte that you have had problems in the past and I hope you are on the mend, but you really must be responsible for the choices you make in life and that means allowing your dd to have a relationship with her dad regardless of your own regrets. I think maybe you should also seek some counceling to help you accept some of these difficulties. you canot to go back and wipe that page away, it isn part of your life and part of who dd is and it will be damaging for her if you continue to hold on to these regrets as one day rightly or wrongly she will translate these into resentment that you have had her and that message may affect her own mental health.

kinkyfuckery · 16/07/2012 22:19

You might find it hard but HE IS HER FATHER, unless you have a time machine, there's nothing you can do about that. Suck it up and do the best for your daughter, which is NOT to pretend someone else is her daddy.

Original poster
turboorange · 16/07/2012 22:20

I don't understand what a drip drip shit post is? Just other forums I use always post up these AIBU things to take the piss out of them but actually sometimes people do reply with sense. It's all getting really weird. And yes I know its my fault and shouldn't have been loose but my daughter has gone from having two really adoring families to one that's now shaken up and the other that mostly isn't interested.
The mediation thing sounds like a good idea. And I made a Daddy No1 reference because that's effectively how it is. She was raised by one and it got switched. The first family didn't think they could carry on treating her as one of them whilst she had a new family as well.

OP posts:
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