to sort of wish we'd not agreed to this holiday?

[RagamuffinAndFidget]

DH, me, our two boys, my Mum, my brother and his girlfriend are planning to spend a week in Cornwall right at the end of August/beginning of September. We found a lovely, pretty cheap, cottage, divided it by five (the boys are three and nearly one so won't take up much space!) and worked out how much we each needed to pay. We're also splitting the cost of the petrol for the three cars that are being taken and we all agreed to chip in £50 each (per adult, DH and I will add a little extra for our boys) for a 'food kitty' - not just for food shopping but to go towards a meal out/takeaway at some point during the week, and also for things like some beer and some wine for the grown ups to share! We'd all agreed on this and everyone seemed to think it was pretty fair.

But then DB's girlfriend calls me today and says she doesn't see why we all have to chip in £50 for food, etc. I explained what it was for and she said no way would she eat £50 worth of food in a week, so I said again that it wasn't just for food shopping but drinks and a meal out/takeaway as well. She said she doesn't want to do a proper food shop because that involves meal planning, which 'isn't what you want to do on holiday' but I've been to that part of Cornwall before and you either do a big shop at Tesco, which is miles away, or shop daily in the local Spar, which is twice as expensive! Plus, we have two small children who will definitely need proper meals each day so we can't really just wait and see what we feel like having.

She's put me in a bit of a bad mood about it all really. I thought we'd all agreed on an amount per adult but now she's saying she doesn't want to pay that much. AIBU to think she should really stick to what was agreed? And WWYD about it?

I would tell he that she and your brother can decide between them, they either chip in £50 each or they sort out their own meals and don't go raiding your food. Tell them you prefer to meal plan and intend doing so for your family and your mum, but if she and your brother wish to do their own thing that's fine, they can sort out their own food. Tell this to your brother as well.

I'm with her I'm afraid.

You sound like you're all over organising it.

Fair enough chipping in with the cost and the petrol, but I wouldn't go micro managing the food budget down to the takeaways and wine too.

Just chill out and do your own shopping/buy your own takeaways/meals out.

Tell her to pay up or piss off.

Or suggest her and your DB fend for themselves food/drinkwise, and don't include them in any of your meals/drinks etc.

Yes she should stick to it, and I bet she is the one who guzzles all the most expensive booze too!

Speak to your brother and get him to sort her out.

YANBU.

Why dont you go and do a big shop for you and your kids and she can sort her own food out on the day? I don't see what the big deal is.

YANBU to be miffed that she has gone back on the agreement. Could it be that they have been looking at their finances and are struggling? Could you suggest £30 per adult instead and then top up individually if you do decide on a takeaway?

I would find £50 for a week a bit steep, but that is because we have no spare cash at the moment so I would have pointed out that I was happy not to drink or have a takeaway so could I pay a bit less. I would not have agreed to it in the first place.

Good luck!

She sounds silly.

I don't get why you would spilt the cost of petrol if you are all driving your own cars.

Yep, she either joins the kitty or they shop and cook separately. And clean up separately. And don't raid your biscuits/tea/coffe/milk/sugar etc.

FWIW, this is why i don't do 'group' holidays unless it's in a hotel.

I'm afraid I can already see red flags fluttering. Like Dontmind we don't do group holidays for this reason.

You have to all agree before you go what you are going to do re catering. Either your brother and girlfiend join in and contribute to the kitty or they opt out completely and fend for themselves.

I have read too many threads on here recently about group holidays and the falling out they do over food / meals out bills.

I can see both sides here. Chipping in for food seems fair, but it is a bit crap to have to partake in a big shop and meal plans when you're on holiday. I don't understand the petrol thing - pay for your own journey.

I like to be spontaneous on holiday, and would split bills and food costs as we go along if we ended up sharing meals etc, and would resent being tied to meals that were centred around someone else's children.

Arrange to take booze with you so nobody loses out and ends up drinking something they're not bothered about because it was all the group budget would stretch to.

I think you're over-complicating things. Scrap the kitties, and be happy to go with the flow.

Normally when you go away you pay per room. Are your 3 and 1 year old sleeping in your room? Does your mum have her own room as she is then paying 'half price'. Also, do you need 3 cars? Won't 2 do? She may already feel she is paying for other people's holidays.

Is she the smallest (physically) person? People can vary dramatically in the amount they eat and she may feel she is being clobbered again.

Just speaking from experience of a few extended family holidays. There is resentment in our family from some people that cost is not per head, children included at same cost as an adult. We also have problems with food kittys because there are some people that eat half a loaf as a supper snack and think this is normal etc. Fortunately, most of us are pretty vocal when we think something is not fair and 'have it out'. As the 'outsider' I think the gf has been pretty brave to speak out.

Alternatively, she could just be stingy. But try and think it through from her view.

I agree that with cottages you normally pay per number of bedrooms, so a family of 4 would probably pay for 2 bedrooms and a couple for 1 bedroom. If your brother and his girlfriend are going down in their car I don't see why they have to get involved in fuel kitties and agree that each car of people sorts out their own fuel arrangements between the occupants of that car. If 1 car has 4 people and another 1 I see no reason why the car shareres should subsidise the person travelling alone's fuel bills. That side of things sounds very odd.
Maybe agree to share a house but sort out travel, food etc more independantly. Your brother and his girlfriend maybe want more independence and don't want to be tied to small kid meals and meal times.
It sounds like too many for a holiday though if you don't have similar views.

Did she actually agree, or did your brother agree on her behalf?

Tbh, I thnk you shudo be chipping in more for the petrol and the accommodation. Small children take up plenty of room, I think you are being a bit cheeky when you say they won't take up much space. A one year old and the stuff that goes with them takes up far more space than an adult!

I expect she wants to be able to have some time with her dp and not be obliged to eat pre arranged meal at set times every day to coincide with when your dc want to eat. Just because your children will need regular meal times, that shouldn't mean that everyone else has to. One of the best things about being on holiday is being able to live out of routine.

Ah good old family holidays!

I can see why she's bothered tbh I hate over planning, food kitty's and all that. Would rather just chip in when a take away and have the freedom to do my own thing. I also think you should pay for your boys if they are taking up a bedroom we always do.

YANBU imo because having done the group hols with kids I understand your point of view.I'm also a veteran of group hols with my mates pre kids. Perhaps you could talk to everyone again about £50 bit. If db and girlfriend see that as tea/coffee/cornflake money it does sound steep. If it's to sustain five adults+two kids+booze+takeaway, it's prob sensible. Talk to them. Sort it out. You're going to be stuck together for a week.

Have you mentioned cooking/washing up rotas yet?

what i meant to clarify is that they're not being u either. You may have diff view points

Yabu

Why are you, as a family of 4, paying the same as a couple?

Sounds like they are subbing your dc IMO.

I don't understand the splitting of the petrol costs given that each part of the family will be driving their own car.

It just sounds as if it's not her type of holiday and she has a different idea from you about what a holiday is. So I'd be telling her to arrange her own holiday. All this arguing before you've even gone anywhere doesn't sound good. Can't see it's going to work. It all sounds a bit of a nightmare working out who pays what.

I don't think she is necessarily being unreasonable.

They may want to go out for a few meals and not having children themselves may not understand that you do need to plan in advance with kids. Also could be a control thing, I'm quite a fussy eater and wouldn't necessearily want my entire weeks eating to be planned around the timings and requirements of two young children, or indeed to have to do a big shop for everything in advance.

I also don't quite understand why you are splitting petrol costs and how you are splitting cottage costs. Surely DB and his GF just pay their own petrol, no?
For the cottage, before we have always split costs by number of rooms in shared groups, so if DB & DG are in 1 room whereas the rest of you take up 2 rooms together then I would have thought they should only be paying 1/3 rather than 2/5. Probably not huge amounts of money involved but if it it was me I would be starting to get a bit irritated presumably as also they don't know if you are planning to put more money in for the childrens food as if not they are subsidising that as well.

Please don't get me wrong, I'm sure all the plans were made with the best of intentions but I can see quite readily how a young couple would feel differently about things from a family.

I don't know if Tescos does deliveries that far afield, but perhaps a compromise could be to book a Tesco slot where they also get input into what is being bought - saves having to do a big shop at the start of the holiday as well which I must admit I hate.

Hope you get some good weather

Hmmmm
Not sure.
Maybe she is getting a bit didgy because she thinks she is going to be bossed about?

She might be imagining having to sit down for dinner every night with the family and that might not be her idea of a holiday.

£50 per adult does sound a lot if you are going to meal plan and go to Tescos.

To save arguments just let them sort our their own food and you sort out your family's?

I dont understand the petrol either.

Yes I agree too that if brother and girlfriend don't want to join the kitty they should do all their own shopping, cooking, and washing up/cleaning up kitchen. They must also make provision for any sundries that may not be provided, such as loo rolls and wash-up liquid. And not expect to scrounge tea/coffee/bread/cereal/milk etc. when theirs runs out (due to not planning because 'that isn't what you want to do on holiday'!)

They must need to take some food/drinks with them to start off with surely. Has she even any idea what food costs? I have visions of you all eating lovely meals while she and DB tuck into pot noodles and the odd Macdonalds.

I think you should let them know about the distance to the major supermarket, they may not have a clue that it is so far and that the local one will be more expensive.

Ultimately, you might find it easier not to be catering with them, if they want to do their own thing and not be tied to meals at certain times.

I'm with your brother's girlfriend, tbh. Would they necessarily spend £100 between them on food for a week? They might each differently to you and prefer to eat cheap pasta or go out and pay for their own meals or spend money on beer.

Cook for yourselves with your budget and let them do their own meals.

It sounds like she doesn't like the fact you are making all the decisions.
She does have a point. Holidays don't need to me planned with military precision.